No one else seems to understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 6
No one else seems to understand
I ending up at this site after feeling really alone. My mum has always been an alcoholic my whole life (I'm late 30s now) all her brothers and sisters are also and my brother as well. I don't personally have a problem with alcohol (which is often seen as me being stuck up).
My mum is an angry drunk, when she's been drinking for a while she gets really nasty says things deliberately to hurt me and refuses to listen. I know it is best to leave her alone when she gets like this, and I know it's not me really but it is so upsetting. My daughter is a teenager now and she is a lovely girl but she is still a teenager so when she goes off on a rant my mum listens to her, gets drunk then starts yelling at me telling me I should never have had her. etc.
I've tried in the past to get her to see she has a problem but she refuses to admit it. She thinks because she goes to work every day (sometimes drunk) that obviously means she is fine.
When I was younger before I met my husband I used to lie a lot and get in trouble (all of which my mum ignored as she was too drunk to notice) now she keeps using that as an excuse to be really nasty to me, she gets drunk and calls me names and I have to just grit my teeth and take it because she will wake up tomorrow and it will all be over. If I'm still upset the next day I'm being silly and holding a grudge over nothing.
Sorry for the rambling email, no one seems to quite understand what I'm feeling, and I was really just looking for some advice on how to feel better...
My mum is an angry drunk, when she's been drinking for a while she gets really nasty says things deliberately to hurt me and refuses to listen. I know it is best to leave her alone when she gets like this, and I know it's not me really but it is so upsetting. My daughter is a teenager now and she is a lovely girl but she is still a teenager so when she goes off on a rant my mum listens to her, gets drunk then starts yelling at me telling me I should never have had her. etc.
I've tried in the past to get her to see she has a problem but she refuses to admit it. She thinks because she goes to work every day (sometimes drunk) that obviously means she is fine.
When I was younger before I met my husband I used to lie a lot and get in trouble (all of which my mum ignored as she was too drunk to notice) now she keeps using that as an excuse to be really nasty to me, she gets drunk and calls me names and I have to just grit my teeth and take it because she will wake up tomorrow and it will all be over. If I'm still upset the next day I'm being silly and holding a grudge over nothing.
Sorry for the rambling email, no one seems to quite understand what I'm feeling, and I was really just looking for some advice on how to feel better...
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi and welcome. Do you and your daughter live with your mum? It sounds like you are around her a lot. You don't have to put up with name calling and insults. The next time she starts just say " I will not listen to this abuse" and leave the room. It is abuse and you never have to accept it.
Stick around. This forum is a bit small but others will be around
Stick around. This forum is a bit small but others will be around
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Hi there!
First of all, welcome! I'm so sorry you've had to deal with your mother's substance abuse for so long, but I'm so glad you found SR. I'm pretty new here myself, but this forum has already helped me so much. My mom is an alcoholic and addict (I went NC, no contact, with her last summer), and this group of people showed me how very far from alone I am. So many people have had experiences similar to yours!!
I encourage you to read the threads at the top of this forum, and lots of the older threads too. You'll find lots of information that will empower you to deal with your mom and help you on your way to feeling more in control.
Big hugs!
First of all, welcome! I'm so sorry you've had to deal with your mother's substance abuse for so long, but I'm so glad you found SR. I'm pretty new here myself, but this forum has already helped me so much. My mom is an alcoholic and addict (I went NC, no contact, with her last summer), and this group of people showed me how very far from alone I am. So many people have had experiences similar to yours!!
I encourage you to read the threads at the top of this forum, and lots of the older threads too. You'll find lots of information that will empower you to deal with your mom and help you on your way to feeling more in control.
Big hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 6
No we don't live in the same house, she lives very close by so I see her a lot. My husband is very supportive but he doesn't really get it he tries to get me to reason with her which I know is pointless and just prolongs the argument. It is easier and quicker to take the abuse and wait for it to be over. Any kind of response (leave me alone, I'm not putting up with this or even getting upset) escalates the argument. So I tend to just take it until she runs out of steam and then cry on my own. I admit probably not the healthiest way to cope but after doing this my whole life it's the only way I have found to make her stop.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Welcome ACoAP... It's taken me a very long time to realise that actually I don't "have to just grit my teeth and take it".
"I've tried in the past to get her to see she has a problem but she refuses to admit it. She thinks because she goes to work every day (sometimes drunk) that obviously means she is fine. "
I never tried to get my mum to stop drinking or to see she had a problem, from my own experience though (I'm alcoholic and have been in AA a wee while now - I don't want to drink today, the obsession has left me), nothing at that time would make me see I had a problem... Basically, not only was I insane I was also completely unreasonable and therefore a attempt to reason with me was futile...
I once described myself as a functioning alcoholic, but that basically means "I" functioned with alcohol in my system, but with alcohol in my system I didn't function with life, the universe and everything else, especially with other people. When I took the alcohol away "I" didn't function and still didn't function in society either!
"I used to lie a lot" And I really identify with that statement! I once thought that if I could only cure my lying I'd cure myself... in recovery I learned actually I had probably caught onto something that was actually true, shame I didn't try it and a shame I couldn't have started with myself, because it is the lies I told myself that probably did the biggest harm.
"All her brothers and sisters are also and my brother as well"
And identify with this I do too.... My experience is the saying "alcoholism is a family disease" is 100% true. My Mum alcoholic, my Dad alcoholic, his grandad alcoholic, my two aunties alcoholic, my cousins (from those aunties) alcoholic, my youngest sister (drug problem in younger years), my eldest half sister (OCD).
All the roles that are predicted in dysfunctional families (with or without alcohol, or addiction) are there... I think you'll find them in the 'stickies' if you're interested.
Anyway... what has helped me feel better is attendance at ACA or ACoA meetings, the fellowship literature and other literature (again you'll find a list in the stickies), sharing my story here and in meetings and with other ACA's (here and in meetings). Educating myself about the effects and understanding myself through self examination via 12 Steps, some therapy and ... I guess ultimately, but not selfishly, focusing on myself, getting in touch with my emotions and my inner workings...
Oh my God that's a big list :-) But its worth it. I've had some recent troubles of my own making in many respects, but without the ACA fellowship and forums such as this, I'd be a whole lot worse off.
All the best to you
"I've tried in the past to get her to see she has a problem but she refuses to admit it. She thinks because she goes to work every day (sometimes drunk) that obviously means she is fine. "
I never tried to get my mum to stop drinking or to see she had a problem, from my own experience though (I'm alcoholic and have been in AA a wee while now - I don't want to drink today, the obsession has left me), nothing at that time would make me see I had a problem... Basically, not only was I insane I was also completely unreasonable and therefore a attempt to reason with me was futile...
I once described myself as a functioning alcoholic, but that basically means "I" functioned with alcohol in my system, but with alcohol in my system I didn't function with life, the universe and everything else, especially with other people. When I took the alcohol away "I" didn't function and still didn't function in society either!
"I used to lie a lot" And I really identify with that statement! I once thought that if I could only cure my lying I'd cure myself... in recovery I learned actually I had probably caught onto something that was actually true, shame I didn't try it and a shame I couldn't have started with myself, because it is the lies I told myself that probably did the biggest harm.
"All her brothers and sisters are also and my brother as well"
And identify with this I do too.... My experience is the saying "alcoholism is a family disease" is 100% true. My Mum alcoholic, my Dad alcoholic, his grandad alcoholic, my two aunties alcoholic, my cousins (from those aunties) alcoholic, my youngest sister (drug problem in younger years), my eldest half sister (OCD).
All the roles that are predicted in dysfunctional families (with or without alcohol, or addiction) are there... I think you'll find them in the 'stickies' if you're interested.
Anyway... what has helped me feel better is attendance at ACA or ACoA meetings, the fellowship literature and other literature (again you'll find a list in the stickies), sharing my story here and in meetings and with other ACA's (here and in meetings). Educating myself about the effects and understanding myself through self examination via 12 Steps, some therapy and ... I guess ultimately, but not selfishly, focusing on myself, getting in touch with my emotions and my inner workings...
Oh my God that's a big list :-) But its worth it. I've had some recent troubles of my own making in many respects, but without the ACA fellowship and forums such as this, I'd be a whole lot worse off.
All the best to you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
The next time she says you shouldn't have had your daughter, tell her to shut her mouth until she is sober and has something nice to say.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but to say something like that is cruel and nasty.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but to say something like that is cruel and nasty.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I am going to repeat myself YOU do NOT have to accept her abuse. Leave the room or if she is at your home send her away. It will never get better for you unless you set these boundaries in place. Being your mum is not a license to be an abusive witch.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 6
Not the nastiest thing she has said, I get a lot of comments about how terrible a mother I am. I'm a lying ***** I probably don't know who her dad is ( my husband loves that one!) how I don't care about my family at all. I could go on but it is depressing reading.
If I ever try and talk to her the next morning in just being a drama queen! It's horrible because when not drunk she is lovely, so kind and caring. It's like whiplash!
If I ever try and talk to her the next morning in just being a drama queen! It's horrible because when not drunk she is lovely, so kind and caring. It's like whiplash!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by Sasha4 
The next time she says you shouldn't have had your daughter, tell her to shut her mouth until she is sober and has something nice to say.
Don't see her, because if you do you might love her and then you'll be stuck with her.
... It pains me to say that comment was made in my drinking years (read insane years) so I never really questioned her (my AM) then.
It pleases me to say that despite my insanity I did see her (my daughter) and have done pretty much everyday since (except when away with work or some such).
So she (my AM) was half right, I did and do love her (true) but I've never considered that I'm "stuck" with her (false) and what a dreadful thought!! ... but I guess she merely projected/shared her own experience/thoughts!!
Last edited by makomago; 03-31-2015 at 03:39 PM. Reason: omission
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by ACoAP
Not the nastiest thing she has said, I get a lot of comments about how terrible a mother I am. I'm a lying ***** I probably don't know who her dad is ( my husband loves that one!) how I don't care about my family at all. I could go on but it is depressing reading.
If I ever try and talk to her the next morning in just being a drama queen! It's horrible because when not drunk she is lovely, so kind and caring. It's like whiplash!
If I ever try and talk to her the next morning in just being a drama queen! It's horrible because when not drunk she is lovely, so kind and caring. It's like whiplash!
My Mum said "You're just being bloody minded and cruel to her".. I said, 'probably, I blame my parents'.
It took her a good 20 minutes to realise what I'd just said to her. I'm chuckling to myself at my own clever little joke, now :-)
Note: If I don't laugh at my little jokes the silence deafens me.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Next time she comments on you being a horrible mum say to her. " Maybe but I am better than you" That will shut her up.
I have to ask how is she lovely? How is she kind and caring? Words are meaningless. Alcoholics pull that stuff all the time to deflect from their poor drunken behavior of the day before. Trust me. I am a recovered alcoholic. I pulled a lot of that crazy behavior myself.
When you allow yourself to be treated that way what you are telling people is that it is ok to be mean and hurtful toward you. You are also telling your daughter that it is acceptable for others to treat her that way as well. The job as mom is to show your daughter how to be a person. A healthy, well adjusted, self loving person. Your acceptance of unacceptable behavior is sending your daughter a bad message
I have to ask how is she lovely? How is she kind and caring? Words are meaningless. Alcoholics pull that stuff all the time to deflect from their poor drunken behavior of the day before. Trust me. I am a recovered alcoholic. I pulled a lot of that crazy behavior myself.
When you allow yourself to be treated that way what you are telling people is that it is ok to be mean and hurtful toward you. You are also telling your daughter that it is acceptable for others to treat her that way as well. The job as mom is to show your daughter how to be a person. A healthy, well adjusted, self loving person. Your acceptance of unacceptable behavior is sending your daughter a bad message
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome! I'm so sorry you are going through this with your mother, but so glad you found us. There is a lot to read and learn here, starting with the stickies above.
One thing that I found useful was "emotionally detaching" from my parents. It happened for me at a very early age. My dad was the alcoholic but my mom was his shield.
I severely limited contact between them and my child –which she only now at 24 finally understands. It was not good for her to see them being drunk or abusive to me or her. There are several dangers inherent in children seeing their grandparents drunk and verbally abusive: they can be caught in the middle, they can be used outright as pawns, they can be wooed to their twisted thinking, they can resent us for not standing up to them and think we deserve it, they can even end up choosing to live with the drunk abusive grandparents as the child ages. The list goes on.
I lived in the same town with my parents and would go see them only once a month or so. Sometimes less. I would stay for 4 hours if that. If they started in on me or my kid I would just say it was time to leave. But I have to say I was just as verbal back to them and made my thoughts known veraciously so they did tread lightly most of the time because they knew I would hand it back to them. I was respectful but still made no bones about how I felt or what they said. They didn't like it, but being emotionally detached I really didn't care.
One thing that I found useful was "emotionally detaching" from my parents. It happened for me at a very early age. My dad was the alcoholic but my mom was his shield.
I severely limited contact between them and my child –which she only now at 24 finally understands. It was not good for her to see them being drunk or abusive to me or her. There are several dangers inherent in children seeing their grandparents drunk and verbally abusive: they can be caught in the middle, they can be used outright as pawns, they can be wooed to their twisted thinking, they can resent us for not standing up to them and think we deserve it, they can even end up choosing to live with the drunk abusive grandparents as the child ages. The list goes on.
I lived in the same town with my parents and would go see them only once a month or so. Sometimes less. I would stay for 4 hours if that. If they started in on me or my kid I would just say it was time to leave. But I have to say I was just as verbal back to them and made my thoughts known veraciously so they did tread lightly most of the time because they knew I would hand it back to them. I was respectful but still made no bones about how I felt or what they said. They didn't like it, but being emotionally detached I really didn't care.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm going to reiterate this one part: you do not have to take anything from her. Being the woman who birthed you does not give her the right to treat you this way. You can stop talking to her altogether. You don't owe her anything. You don't *have to do* anything. Really. You cab choose to put yourself and your daughter first and not have that abuse in your lives at all. Many of us have done it and wouldn't change a thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Originally Posted by NWGRITS
I'm going to reiterate this one part: you do not have to take anything from her. Being the woman who birthed you does not give her the right to treat you this way. You can stop talking to her altogether. You don't owe her anything. You don't *have to do* anything. Really. You cab choose to put yourself and your daughter first and not have that abuse in your lives at all. Many of us have done it and wouldn't change a thing.
Seconded.
Here's some reading about going No Contact that helped me when I needed it
oh it's on our book list already! here it is again anyway. i'm posting this link for the description itself, not the books that are listed.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/richpub/syl...R3EWPIM0KKA4TM
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 6
Thank you so much for all your replies, it is so amazing just to feel all the support and this site is fantastic.
I admit I am scared of breaking all contact purely because she is my mum. the emotional detachment thing sounds very interesting, if I didn't care so much it wouldn't hurt as much...
Thanks for all replies it is very very appreciated
I admit I am scared of breaking all contact purely because she is my mum. the emotional detachment thing sounds very interesting, if I didn't care so much it wouldn't hurt as much...
Thanks for all replies it is very very appreciated
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Hi ACoAP! We're on at the same time 
It is daunting. I know I didn't feel ready all at once.
This last time, when I signed her over to the non-profit in whose hands she would have all her physical needs, at least, taken care of, I just felt all this pressure and weight taken off my shoulders - it was this amazing feeling because I had been an over-fulltime caregiver for two years. I had no desire to talk to her, so I decided to take a break from listening to her/calling her for a few weeks.
It didn't take long for her to exact her revenge... 3 weeks in to my (well-earned!) break, and I got word that she was planning to sue me for all the money she paid me for keeping her life from falling apart for two years; I had taken care of literally every single one of her physical and financial needs, kept her from bankruptcy, kept her houses from being foreclosed, got her through cancer and stayed with her in the hospital for weeks, handled all her contractors and lawyers during two lawsuits against her while she lay in bed and drank in her own filth, protected her - in my delusional state - from being caught by the medical board when she was using her prescription pad illegally - I mean the list just goes on and on and on. And she was going to take me to court for 'stealing money'. In fact the first time we talked since I got her signed up with this full service non-profit that would be at her beck and call she said 'we should be letting our lawyers do the talking.'
Well that made it pretty easy.
I'm taking the time to tell you MY nc story to show that our moms, even ones who have loved us so much, can be so hurtful and abusive that sometimes the right thing to do for ourselves is get away from them.
You can test the NC waters, if you want. Seems like that might be the right thing for you? You certainly need some distance, and you're not sure if it's right for you yet. I can tell you with absolute certainty that one gets a perspective and insight on the situation having been NC for a couple months that NEVER HAPPENS otherwise.
What would happen if you drew a no communication boundary for the next three months?
(Btw she doesn't have to understand that boundary when you tell her about it. All you have to do is explain it once, in written form if you like so she can always refer back to it when she gets 'confused', and uphold your end of the boundary yourself.)
I understand being scared of the hurt. It does hurt. But...you're hurting now, too.
It is daunting. I know I didn't feel ready all at once.
This last time, when I signed her over to the non-profit in whose hands she would have all her physical needs, at least, taken care of, I just felt all this pressure and weight taken off my shoulders - it was this amazing feeling because I had been an over-fulltime caregiver for two years. I had no desire to talk to her, so I decided to take a break from listening to her/calling her for a few weeks.
It didn't take long for her to exact her revenge... 3 weeks in to my (well-earned!) break, and I got word that she was planning to sue me for all the money she paid me for keeping her life from falling apart for two years; I had taken care of literally every single one of her physical and financial needs, kept her from bankruptcy, kept her houses from being foreclosed, got her through cancer and stayed with her in the hospital for weeks, handled all her contractors and lawyers during two lawsuits against her while she lay in bed and drank in her own filth, protected her - in my delusional state - from being caught by the medical board when she was using her prescription pad illegally - I mean the list just goes on and on and on. And she was going to take me to court for 'stealing money'. In fact the first time we talked since I got her signed up with this full service non-profit that would be at her beck and call she said 'we should be letting our lawyers do the talking.'
Well that made it pretty easy.
I'm taking the time to tell you MY nc story to show that our moms, even ones who have loved us so much, can be so hurtful and abusive that sometimes the right thing to do for ourselves is get away from them.
You can test the NC waters, if you want. Seems like that might be the right thing for you? You certainly need some distance, and you're not sure if it's right for you yet. I can tell you with absolute certainty that one gets a perspective and insight on the situation having been NC for a couple months that NEVER HAPPENS otherwise.
What would happen if you drew a no communication boundary for the next three months?
(Btw she doesn't have to understand that boundary when you tell her about it. All you have to do is explain it once, in written form if you like so she can always refer back to it when she gets 'confused', and uphold your end of the boundary yourself.)
I understand being scared of the hurt. It does hurt. But...you're hurting now, too.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
