Ooops I did it again...
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Ooops I did it again...
So I've just recreated the same bad situation as the last time. Last time: three day bender. 3 days of depression in bed. Work missed. Bad, bad, bad. And it wasn't fun. It's not as if I'm doing something that's amazing and then I have to pay for it later.
This time: three day bender. i can't afford the 3 days in bed of depression. It might be why I'm still drinking. Avoiding the hangover. I think I was having mad withdraws this morning. I "solved" that with vodka. After I got over the vomiting. This is not so much fun.
I only had to work a half day yesterday. Instead of missing it, I went in "drunk" or "high". A combination of both. I discovered coke in my pocket. So logically what did I do on finding that? Well I went to the bathroom and did some of course. Then I went to a cafe bar close to the job at around 12pm and had beers and Irish coffee. Chatting to everybody. I racked up a bill and left without paying. I'm not sure if I did that purposefully or because I was on the night train. I had the money. I'll have to go back and sort that out.
A lot of the posts here advise people to think back to what they were thinking before they took that first drink that started the bender. My conclusion is that my problem is emotional. Logically I make my decision to stop drinking and live a sober life....probably 900 times, but it's always based on an emotional reaction when I go back on that decision.
Saturday I was invited to a barbecue. My 'new girl's' friends. I had been putting off meeting any of her friends, simply because I don't believe in meeting all the friends and that until you are "established" or know that you are going to give it a go. Well, until you've got to know each other first. She was taking this as a bad sign. We're from two different cultures. Anyway, I digress....everybody was drinking at the barbecue and I wasn't nor was she. She's not a drinker anyway, but had stated out of solidarity she wouldn't drink when we were out together. A really sweet gesture and I've pissed that back in her face. I didn't feel uncomfortable and I didn't feel out of place. In fact, I got on with everyone better than I expected. When I think about it now, I felt authentic, being a non-drinker. It's who I feel 'I am'. This drinking **** is not my path. However, that being said I do now recognise one thought that I had and by entertaining it I let this situation escalate. Everything was going fine and then suddenly I had this thought, "Wow, everybody here is drinking heavily enough and there are no problems,maybe it's a social aspect that can't be avoided. Maybe if I was to try again but only socially and with good people". This was probably what I see written on posts here and as people refer to as the AV, right? This coupled with a few bad choices has put me where I am now. My problem has mostly being solo benders...drinking in isolation and then going out on a journey of destruction.
At 10 ish people were talking about going out. We had decided to go home. Then moment of indecision. Hesitation. "Am I ruining her night?" "Should I be more social?" But in reality that was the moment to go. We were both tired. Nah **** it let's go. (the two most dangerous words in the English language? **** it?) We walked with another couple. She made a comment on my hair cut being "so modern that I look like a model from paris or a gay boy" she was not sure. Next mistake: my reaction to that. I thought "bitch, why would you say that infront of someone else that I don't know?" But of course I said nothing and silently fumed. It was no big deal. she was trying to be funny, whether she was or not is irrelevant. She had no bad intention. But Chucky said that she did. If it's not the AV then it's my inner brat and he is Chucky. "Wanna play?". I said yes. Stupid reaction. I'll show her. My cokes got filled with rum. She didn't know. Only two and then we went home. What I noticed though was even the two considerably changed me. I didn't feel as 'comfortable' or 'authentic". I felt like I had taken a sleeping tablet and I was drugged and trying to fight it. To counter this i over compensate and I'm that bit more "daring" or I don't know....I'm normally a person who says what he thinks and pushes the line a little. But this takes on another level with alcohol. I feel in the moment that alcohol is like a weight on me (like I have taken a sleeping tablet) and I am fighting extra hard to fight the effects.....
Anyway, two drinks no problem, right? Lulled into a false sense of security? Next day, good day. Until she said something I didn't like. About giving her a hand and not just sitting on my ass. What a bitch! Thinks me....but I am the exact same way. Another over reaction. I get home. Only thing I need to do is eat and prepare myself for work the next day.....
Why not have two glasses of wine with my dinner? After all, I'll do what I like. After all, I had two drinks the last night without problems. After all, what a bitch speaking to me (the King) like that.....I'll have the two glasses and tomorrow if you want, after work you can finish the bottle. I polished two bottles and then went to a kebab place that sells beers. Then a club. I came back only to take a shower 45mins befor work, grab a cab and some how make it through the day.....3 days later.......only two drinks, right?
That is a longish post maybe but I decided to get my thoughts down and it's helped put me in the moment, so to speak...
This time: three day bender. i can't afford the 3 days in bed of depression. It might be why I'm still drinking. Avoiding the hangover. I think I was having mad withdraws this morning. I "solved" that with vodka. After I got over the vomiting. This is not so much fun.
I only had to work a half day yesterday. Instead of missing it, I went in "drunk" or "high". A combination of both. I discovered coke in my pocket. So logically what did I do on finding that? Well I went to the bathroom and did some of course. Then I went to a cafe bar close to the job at around 12pm and had beers and Irish coffee. Chatting to everybody. I racked up a bill and left without paying. I'm not sure if I did that purposefully or because I was on the night train. I had the money. I'll have to go back and sort that out.
A lot of the posts here advise people to think back to what they were thinking before they took that first drink that started the bender. My conclusion is that my problem is emotional. Logically I make my decision to stop drinking and live a sober life....probably 900 times, but it's always based on an emotional reaction when I go back on that decision.
Saturday I was invited to a barbecue. My 'new girl's' friends. I had been putting off meeting any of her friends, simply because I don't believe in meeting all the friends and that until you are "established" or know that you are going to give it a go. Well, until you've got to know each other first. She was taking this as a bad sign. We're from two different cultures. Anyway, I digress....everybody was drinking at the barbecue and I wasn't nor was she. She's not a drinker anyway, but had stated out of solidarity she wouldn't drink when we were out together. A really sweet gesture and I've pissed that back in her face. I didn't feel uncomfortable and I didn't feel out of place. In fact, I got on with everyone better than I expected. When I think about it now, I felt authentic, being a non-drinker. It's who I feel 'I am'. This drinking **** is not my path. However, that being said I do now recognise one thought that I had and by entertaining it I let this situation escalate. Everything was going fine and then suddenly I had this thought, "Wow, everybody here is drinking heavily enough and there are no problems,maybe it's a social aspect that can't be avoided. Maybe if I was to try again but only socially and with good people". This was probably what I see written on posts here and as people refer to as the AV, right? This coupled with a few bad choices has put me where I am now. My problem has mostly being solo benders...drinking in isolation and then going out on a journey of destruction.
At 10 ish people were talking about going out. We had decided to go home. Then moment of indecision. Hesitation. "Am I ruining her night?" "Should I be more social?" But in reality that was the moment to go. We were both tired. Nah **** it let's go. (the two most dangerous words in the English language? **** it?) We walked with another couple. She made a comment on my hair cut being "so modern that I look like a model from paris or a gay boy" she was not sure. Next mistake: my reaction to that. I thought "bitch, why would you say that infront of someone else that I don't know?" But of course I said nothing and silently fumed. It was no big deal. she was trying to be funny, whether she was or not is irrelevant. She had no bad intention. But Chucky said that she did. If it's not the AV then it's my inner brat and he is Chucky. "Wanna play?". I said yes. Stupid reaction. I'll show her. My cokes got filled with rum. She didn't know. Only two and then we went home. What I noticed though was even the two considerably changed me. I didn't feel as 'comfortable' or 'authentic". I felt like I had taken a sleeping tablet and I was drugged and trying to fight it. To counter this i over compensate and I'm that bit more "daring" or I don't know....I'm normally a person who says what he thinks and pushes the line a little. But this takes on another level with alcohol. I feel in the moment that alcohol is like a weight on me (like I have taken a sleeping tablet) and I am fighting extra hard to fight the effects.....
Anyway, two drinks no problem, right? Lulled into a false sense of security? Next day, good day. Until she said something I didn't like. About giving her a hand and not just sitting on my ass. What a bitch! Thinks me....but I am the exact same way. Another over reaction. I get home. Only thing I need to do is eat and prepare myself for work the next day.....
Why not have two glasses of wine with my dinner? After all, I'll do what I like. After all, I had two drinks the last night without problems. After all, what a bitch speaking to me (the King) like that.....I'll have the two glasses and tomorrow if you want, after work you can finish the bottle. I polished two bottles and then went to a kebab place that sells beers. Then a club. I came back only to take a shower 45mins befor work, grab a cab and some how make it through the day.....3 days later.......only two drinks, right?
That is a longish post maybe but I decided to get my thoughts down and it's helped put me in the moment, so to speak...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Hi CrimsonKing, It sounds like you had a bad week. I'm glad you're back here and working on your recovery. It sounds like you learned some valuable lessons. There is no such thing as one or two drinks to an alcoholic. Once we open the door, we lose control. Is it possible you were dating at a point in your recovery when you were too vulnerable, hence the over-reacting that you talk about? Don't let this keep you down. 
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Good idea to come here and try to think this through TCK. At this point it sounds like you might need some assistance to detox...please don't rule that out.
You mention that you've made the decision to quit and live a sober life many times, that is a good decision to be sure. I think the real question is what are you doing other than making the decision itself? Are you attending meetings or doing a lot of posting/reading here? Have you ever done outpatient rehab? Have you seen an addictions counselor? Those are just a few options, but getting sober is far more than just deciding to do so.
Your immediate goal should be a safe detox though..don't be afraid to see a doc if you think it might get bad.
You mention that you've made the decision to quit and live a sober life many times, that is a good decision to be sure. I think the real question is what are you doing other than making the decision itself? Are you attending meetings or doing a lot of posting/reading here? Have you ever done outpatient rehab? Have you seen an addictions counselor? Those are just a few options, but getting sober is far more than just deciding to do so.
Your immediate goal should be a safe detox though..don't be afraid to see a doc if you think it might get bad.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
A detailed analysis of what lead to the drinking. However, you are working in hindsight. Here's a proactive suggestion: stay away from social situations that increase the risk to your sobriety...at least until you've accumulated a fair amount of sober time.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
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Ok I have to get his out here or I'll carry a resentment and that's no good for anybody: where I come from, it's not cool co call a female human being a "b...." Especially one you are dating. If someone called me that, even in their head, and I found out I would unceremoniously break it off. Being in a relationship, my partner and I sometimes unintentionally disrespect each other, and that's hard enough. I wouldn't want to make it worse with words like that. Even in my head.
Ok moooving on... Waking up with good intentions and self recriminations and a healthy dose of "I'm never doing THAT again," only to do the exact thing hours later... That's addiction my friend. I had almost ten years waking up to crippling anxiety and guilt. Almost ten years of promising myself I would control my drinking that day, not drink at all that day, hide my money so I wouldn't buy alcohol that day, you name it. By the end of the night I'd be drunk anyway.
I had to stop analyzing why, that got me nothing but confused and then drunk. I had to accept I have NO power over my addiction. If alcohol enters my mouth, I will obsess about it until I drink more. Might be a week, might be that day, but I too would end up on a bender.
There's no reason to beat yourself up. Analyzing won't help much. For me it was accept, swallow my pride and admit I have no control (and that doesn't make me weak), and know I can't drink today.
Good luck man, rooting for you!
Ok moooving on... Waking up with good intentions and self recriminations and a healthy dose of "I'm never doing THAT again," only to do the exact thing hours later... That's addiction my friend. I had almost ten years waking up to crippling anxiety and guilt. Almost ten years of promising myself I would control my drinking that day, not drink at all that day, hide my money so I wouldn't buy alcohol that day, you name it. By the end of the night I'd be drunk anyway.
I had to stop analyzing why, that got me nothing but confused and then drunk. I had to accept I have NO power over my addiction. If alcohol enters my mouth, I will obsess about it until I drink more. Might be a week, might be that day, but I too would end up on a bender.
There's no reason to beat yourself up. Analyzing won't help much. For me it was accept, swallow my pride and admit I have no control (and that doesn't make me weak), and know I can't drink today.
Good luck man, rooting for you!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Awww- sorry to hear that CK. Don't spend too much energy beating yourself up though. You're going to need it to climb back on the wagon.
We all have to learn that lesson - Ie It really is the FIRST drink that's the problem. Alcohol is bloody sneaky and will whisper all kinds of lies to you. Hopefully you'll be more on guard next time eh.
Good luck
We all have to learn that lesson - Ie It really is the FIRST drink that's the problem. Alcohol is bloody sneaky and will whisper all kinds of lies to you. Hopefully you'll be more on guard next time eh.
Good luck
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by wehav2day 
Ok I have to get his out here or I'll carry a resentment and that's no good for anybody: where I come from, it's not cool co call a female human being a "b...." Especially one you are dating. If someone called me that, even in their head, and I found out I would unceremoniously break it off. Being in a relationship, my partner and I sometimes unintentionally disrespect each other, and that's hard enough. I wouldn't want to make it worse with words like that. Even in my head.
Ok moooving on... Waking up with good intentions and self recriminations and a healthy dose of "I'm never doing THAT again," only to do the exact thing hours later... That's addiction my friend. I had almost ten years waking up to crippling anxiety and guilt. Almost ten years of promising myself I would control my drinking that day, not drink at all that day, hide my money so I wouldn't buy alcohol that day, you name it. By the end of the night I'd be drunk anyway.
I had to stop analyzing why, that got me nothing but confused and then drunk. I had to accept I have NO power over my addiction. If alcohol enters my mouth, I will obsess about it until I drink more. Might be a week, might be that day, but I too would end up on a bender.
There's no reason to beat yourself up. Analyzing won't help much. For me it was accept, swallow my pride and admit I have no control (and that doesn't make me weak), and know I can't drink today.
Good luck man, rooting for you!
Ok moooving on... Waking up with good intentions and self recriminations and a healthy dose of "I'm never doing THAT again," only to do the exact thing hours later... That's addiction my friend. I had almost ten years waking up to crippling anxiety and guilt. Almost ten years of promising myself I would control my drinking that day, not drink at all that day, hide my money so I wouldn't buy alcohol that day, you name it. By the end of the night I'd be drunk anyway.
I had to stop analyzing why, that got me nothing but confused and then drunk. I had to accept I have NO power over my addiction. If alcohol enters my mouth, I will obsess about it until I drink more. Might be a week, might be that day, but I too would end up on a bender.
There's no reason to beat yourself up. Analyzing won't help much. For me it was accept, swallow my pride and admit I have no control (and that doesn't make me weak), and know I can't drink today.
Good luck man, rooting for you!
I appreciate the way you expressed your opinion.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
A detailed analysis of what lead to the drinking. However, you are working in hindsight. Here's a proactive suggestion: stay away from social situations that increase the risk to your sobriety...at least until you've accumulated a fair amount of sober time.
I'm reading (well I was) a book: alcoholism I'll stop tomorrow. And it pissed me off. Yes i got annoyed at a book. Because in one part he made a list....things you should/shouldn't do....I can't remember all..but
Stay out of pubs for a year (ok, not a big deal. but why a year?)
Don't make any life changing decisions for 2 years (wtf? I live in a foreign country...I'm in the belly of that monster and I can't control the future)
And dating....I can't remember what he said but....he has no clue about relationships and....I don't know if I can just "stop" that....I flirt, I date...I don't know....it's natural....I get the point...but to just stop...
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Originally Posted by TheCrimsonKing
I can't seem to find a balance between staying away from social situations and isolating myself. I keep running around in this circle....I want to be sober..I stop social situations....I isolate myself....I realise I am isolating myself....I'm feeling it....I want to increase my social circle again....I need people....my social skills seem a little rusty...some social anxiety....
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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Hi TCK. I like what wehav2day posted about waking up with recriminations and good intentions. The linger I get on in sobriety the more I see that really, most of it is emotional. In the end I certainly didn't drink because I enjoyed it. I was afraid of how I'd tackle life without alcohol. Once I had sober time I saw that the things that called the most to pick up a drink was dealing with emotions. So I've had to work on recognizing the emotions and how to deal with them without alcohol. Because I know one drink isn't going to help and isn't realistic - it would be one or two bottles.
I never liked it much when people said quitting is easy. It's the staying quit that's the hard part. I've seen that it's true for me. Dealing with emotions. So darn hard. So necessary.
Hang in there. You can do it. Some really good suggestions already
I never liked it much when people said quitting is easy. It's the staying quit that's the hard part. I've seen that it's true for me. Dealing with emotions. So darn hard. So necessary.
Hang in there. You can do it. Some really good suggestions already
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Quite the conundrum. Balance is important. Not sure why you struggle with that. You seem bright enough to figure out a middle path. So perhaps the problem is your mindset. You seem unwilling to change. As long as the allure of alcohol (and all that goes with it) is stronger than the allure of sobriety, you are going to be putting yourself at risk.
That said, I appreciate your opinion. If you can elaborate more...I would be grateful.
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Originally Posted by Anna
Hi CrimsonKing, It sounds like you had a bad week. I'm glad you're back here and working on your recovery. It sounds like you learned some valuable lessons. There is no such thing as one or two drinks to an alcoholic. Once we open the door, we lose control. Is it possible you were dating at a point in your recovery when you were too vulnerable, hence the over-reacting that you talk about? Don't let this keep you down.
Yeah if I have the first drink, I'm usually on a journey. That journey is not pleseant. Not for me and not for my victime (yes they are victims. I'm the worst **** when I drink)
the dating thing is a huge problem.
It's almost part of who I am. I've been told "ladies man" or "charmer" or other things like this. But maybe to a certain sense it's true. But maybe in another way it's part of who I am...I wind people up, I take the ****....It's my form of communication.....some people take this as flirting...some people hate me....either way I try to not care but the result is the same.....I have a lot of interested women....that sounds like I'm blowing my own trumpet...I'm not....how do I just stop that?
Your right and there have been times in the past were I said to my self..."ok, a break from women/ be on your own for a bit" but then I get super (well how can I say, politely...."in heat"
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Originally Posted by TheCrimsonKing
This is a sticking point for me. So I'm going to challenge it. Why is it my mindset? Why do I seem unwilling to change? How do you come to that conclusion?
I just took a stab and figured you are like the majority of us that at some point resented being an alcoholic and resented having to change because of that.
The other thing about mindset...it's controlled by our addiction. If you are resistive to forgoing social events that include alcohol, is it you, your rational mind, making that decision? Or your addiction, who will use the occasion to weaken your resolve?
Things to ponder...
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
One of the biggest impediments to most people's sobriety is their unwillingness to make the changes (often drastic changes) needed to support their decision to quit drinking. And what it that impediment if not a mindset that either challenges being told what to do, or a mindset that tells a person that they are "different" and won't fall victim to the same pitfalls as the rest of us.
I just took a stab and figured you are like the majority of us that at some point resented being an alcoholic and resented having to change because of that.
The other thing about mindset...it's controlled by our addiction. If you are resistive to forgoing social events that include alcohol, is it you, your rational mind, making that decision? Or your addiction, who will use the occasion to weaken your resolve?
Things to ponder...
I just took a stab and figured you are like the majority of us that at some point resented being an alcoholic and resented having to change because of that.
The other thing about mindset...it's controlled by our addiction. If you are resistive to forgoing social events that include alcohol, is it you, your rational mind, making that decision? Or your addiction, who will use the occasion to weaken your resolve?
Things to ponder...
Actually, it's a huge problem for me. I'll do the opposite just to **** someone off or avoid being told what to do....but then fundamentally (and I know it too well) I'm being controlled by that situation)
thank you for your insight. It's made me think.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Good idea to come here and try to think this through TCK. At this point it sounds like you might need some assistance to detox...please don't rule that out.
You mention that you've made the decision to quit and live a sober life many times, that is a good decision to be sure. I think the real question is what are you doing other than making the decision itself? Are you attending meetings or doing a lot of posting/reading here? Have you ever done outpatient rehab? Have you seen an addictions counselor? Those are just a few options, but getting sober is far more than just deciding to do so.
Your immediate goal should be a safe detox though..don't be afraid to see a doc if you think it might get bad.
You mention that you've made the decision to quit and live a sober life many times, that is a good decision to be sure. I think the real question is what are you doing other than making the decision itself? Are you attending meetings or doing a lot of posting/reading here? Have you ever done outpatient rehab? Have you seen an addictions counselor? Those are just a few options, but getting sober is far more than just deciding to do so.
Your immediate goal should be a safe detox though..don't be afraid to see a doc if you think it might get bad.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by TheCrimsonKing
How? I'm in a foreign country. No I never really made a deep plan....well, yes I did. But didn't stick with it. All of those things I did at 29. then I decided to abondon the "recovery idea". I decided to go alone. I decided to mloderate. I suppose 10 years later none of those ******* ideas have ******* worked.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Hi King, By reading your posts you sound like you are a very bright guy and see things in mostly black and white. Doesn't sound like there are too many gray areas in your world. For example, a book on sobriety annoyed you. Understandable.
I'm still trying to figure things out but in my reading around here, there are some things that we just have to surrender to in order to make things work or stick. I'm stubborn as hell that's why it hasn't worked for me yet.
The other thing that caught my eye was that after that drink, you are on a journey, like millions of other drinkers. Personally, that would scare me. Especially if I was in a metropolitan area or a foreign country. I'm kinda chickesh*t that way. Anyway best of luck to you.
I'm still trying to figure things out but in my reading around here, there are some things that we just have to surrender to in order to make things work or stick. I'm stubborn as hell that's why it hasn't worked for me yet.
The other thing that caught my eye was that after that drink, you are on a journey, like millions of other drinkers. Personally, that would scare me. Especially if I was in a metropolitan area or a foreign country. I'm kinda chickesh*t that way. Anyway best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
I can't seem to find a balance between staying away from social situations and isolating myself.
The idea that each of us only has two choices - go to places where people drink..or do nothing but sit at home looking at the walls - is a totally false dichotomy.
I made coffee dates, went on picnics, walks, went to the movies, did some volunteering...reconnected with old friends who did not drink, or drank sparingly...
here are some more ideas:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html
There's no need to be a hermit if you're not drinking. Just takes a little thinking outside the box...
D
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