daydreamer0217

There have been some ?'s here and there. so I thought I would post my story.
I am a mom of 2, a 15 yr old daughter and a 21 year old son. Both still live at home. My oldest works and just graduated with his bachelors in world religion. I am 45 and I do day care from my home. I was married for 23 years and we went our separate ways 2 years ago. It was fine, no hard feelings, no addictions, just grew apart. he is my best friend.

about 1 1/2 yrs ago, an old friend I grew up messaged me on facebook. we started talking re acquainting ourselves with each other. It was an instant connection it was friendly and flirty. I never thought we would go anywhere with it. But then he had to go away for a bit ( one of his many stints at rehab) He is in the military, so i thought he was doing something with them, Then he came back and called me and that was all she wrote. we were instantly in love . or so I thought... then the drinking started to show. and so on.. then it was detox at the VA and a rehab stint. I think in the last 16 months he has been to rehab 3 times, and detox about every other month.

He was never physically abusive, although his words stung. he stopped seeing his kids, he stopped seeing his friends. people started warning me, but i thought I could handle it. He has been arrested at least 5 times. He has been in fights with men for no reason. He was even tasered at one of his kids basketball games because he was so out of control. He has had 3 dui's. He has to wear an anklet now for a yr or he goes directly to jail. if the anklet shows he has been drinking, he goes directly to jail.

Last summer when he got sober, I had hi hopes for him, It lasted about 4 months. then the drinking started again. all his friends by now have had it, his kids wont see him. He has been married 3 times, 2 of them were to other drunks. only the first marriage was a real one. when he got sober last summer, he got mean, and angry, we broke up. I heard he had cheated, I confronted him and walked away. Then about 6 weeks later, he found me again. and he was so sorry and I loved him.

so we start down the road again, and he seems good, but drunks are good at hiding it. until they cant. things get bad on Thanksgiving and he goes to the VA again. this time they put him in a special rehab VA for PTSD, he is there for a month, and he is good, and he is kind and he is loving.

meanwhile, his house sold, so when he gets back, we were going to start looking for a place together. He lost his job too. so, anyways, he gets out, and decides to stay at a sober living and get his surroundings good. NOT EVEN 24 hours later, he is drinking Hard!! he gets arrested for failure to vacate and he is in jail. he gets in a fight with the police and breaks his collar bone. calling me and begging me to help. His parents have had it, his sister has had it. NO one is going to help him anymore. he gets out and goes to his parents and pawns their stuff for booze, he gets caught and thrown out. So, he starts living on the streets. and in homeless shelters. I start giving him $. i know... I know.. but I did not want him on the streets. He is out of control like nothing I have seen. I am scared. he is calling me all the time, he is a wreck. always borrowing money. he is threatening suicide. it is horrible. I call his army buddies. They do an intervention, and it works!!

He went to a detox that weekend and on that monday in the beginning of Feb. he gets sober, he has stayed sober! He has no job yet,and no place to live, they are putting him up at a halfway house for homeless vets. he still has the anklet on.

he broke up with me 2nd or 3 rd week in rehab. he told me it was for his recovery. But i just found out t was because of another woman.

so, my story.. I wasn;t abused. I wasn't married to him. I have no kids with him. I wasn't even living with him. I was just a mom, who up until 16 months ago just trucking along. Now I am in recovery for Codependency. I am sitting in this aftermath of a huge storm that past, and he has moved on and left me to figure this out. I feel alone, I feel stupid, and I feel hurt.

But I am here and I am trying to be happy again.

CodeJob

Thank you for sharing. What a whirlwind indeed daydreamer!

I hope you can keep your distance and recover.

AliWProk

And you so deserve that happiness, daydreamer! I did all of the wrong things, enabling, codependent behavior, for a long time. Even after I divorced XAH, I allowed him to coparent our son, not even realizing he was an A, and later, when it was apparent, I picked him up from the ER, let him lie to me about several lost jobs, etc. He continually tries to drag me back in, so I have to stay strong. I have gone NC since his last relapse. He still texts a quack now and then, but I haven't spoken to him since the end of January. And I love it. My stress level was through the roof when I was trying to "help" him. Now I turn that time and energy toward MY family. And that's where the happiness is, my friend.

I think you should check out one of the many "quack" threads we have going here. Not only is it nice to have a laugh about the crazy things As do and say to manipulate us, but it is incredibly insightful. You find out that they all say the same crap, and we are NOT fools, not stupid, and certainly not alone!

Take care of yourself, daydreamer. I have a feeling you'll be finding that happiness soon enough!

petmagnet

I hate to say it, as hard as all this is, count your blessings! You are so fortunate to not have any ties other than emotional to this man. I know you loved him and I'm sure he loved you too, but the devastation this could have caused you is immeasurable had you become even more involved.

You will get through the pain even though it doesn't seem so, at least that what I keep telling myself, as I am currently splitting from my AH of 24 years after many, many years of hopes and disappointments. My knowledge and experience tells me that the majority of alcoholics never get past their first love, which is the drink, and sometimes as in my AH's case, the lifestyle that goes along with it.

You are not alone nor stupid. Many of us wonder how the heck we got ourselves to this point. The important part is that you recognize this situation isn't a healthy one and that you can pick up the pieces and move on again. As I've told my daughter... There are lots of fish in the sea, this one just wasn't the right catch. I wish you healing and all the best.

daydreamer0217

thanks all. I know I am lucky that it didn't go further, but it went far enough for me. It has totally changed my world. But not all of it was bad, I am learning about my self, my strength and weaknesses

hopeful4

It's horrible to watch someone you care about go down the road to ruin. I am sorry you were hurt. He is only clean b/c he is wearing an ankle thing that will tell if he drinks. He is more afraid of jail. Watch. When they take it off he will be back to it.

I am sorry. Move forward, you deserve so much more!

marie1960

I am so glad to hear you got away from all this nonsense. Holy crap, that's alot of unnecessary drama to have to wrap your head around.

Probably going to take a bit to get this bad taste out of your mouth.

Glad you are here with us, lots of support for you here, time to embrace the next chapter of your life.

daydreamer0217

yes, hopeful, I often wonder about that, will he be ok when it comes off? his 1st wife told me he has done it before and he drank right away. so, i don't know. But yes, I am moving forward. thanks. whatever happens to him. it isn't my responsibility. I heard he isnt actively looking for a place to live or a job, to me that doesnt sound good, but guess what? IT ISNT MY BUSINESS

ardy

Hi DayDreamer... sounds like a lot of us.. starts with something small and grows so fast.. prayers my dear so many prayers.. you can do this and Stand Tall hold the high ground and a ton of us have your back ardy...

lillamy

You know, until you find yourself with an addict in your life, you truly don't have a clue what it's like. You truly think the other people who have "abandoned" the addict just didn't love them enough or were selfish or what have you. You truly believe that you can handle them, can help them, can get them to where they need to be.

It's a hard lesson to learn. Painful. And one hard part, I find, is to not beat myself up over all those things I thought. To admit that I was ignorant of what I was getting myself into -- but that this doesn't make me a bad person, or a stupid person.

I'm glad you're here. Regardless of how you ended up with an A in your life, this is a good place to work through the rubble.

Refiner

That's no whirlwind that's a SH!TSTORM!!!! Well, the good news is you recognize your codependency and what all goes with it. Did you think deep down you could "fix" him? Did you think love can conquer all? I'm glad he got away from you but our sorry he hurt you. Think of it as he did you a GIGANTIC favor. Have you joined an al-anon group? That could be helpful. That program is designed for you and your own recovery.

daydreamer0217

yes refiner, I thought our love was going to get through it. I thought he would get sober, we would have this little house in the country. raising our kids, enjoying our lives. we have known each other since I was in 2nd grade. I thought his friends just were weak. They didn't understand him.

I had no idea how deep I was into it, until i was out of it. wow. I feel like I have gone to battle. and he has yet to even acknowledge the bs I have endured. I know I will never see my money again. That is no biggie. I am just shell shocked. But I am getting through. SOme of the stories on here are so overwhelming, I do feel lucky that I was not married to him, but oh, the damage he has left in his wake...

petmagnet

Oh goodness Daydreamer, My best assumption is that he will drink immediately again once the bracelet is off. My STBXAH is already drinking after DUI #2 with the blow device still in his car and while on probation. These types of guys are charming as hell, used to getting what they want- and unfortunately DOING what they want. Rules for them are optional. I've learned that they NEVER learn. It's horrible and sad to watch but there is nothing that you can do to change it.

Latte

I am so glad you are here!

What a wild ride. I'm glad you recognized the CoDependancy. It took me years to figure out where my problems all started. Now I'm a double dipper as an addict/alcoholic and a CoDependant. Heck, it took me years to figure this out. I know the Ex finally went to Alanon after we split and he is getting better. Ten years of that and you know he's sick too.

Today I am so glad that there is help for everyone affected by addiction. Welcome.

ardy

for DayDreamer and so many of us on this ride..

https://youtu.be/ajwnmkEqYpo

Dream A Little Dream Of Me - The Mamas & The Papas

INgal

Daydreamer, you're absolutely right...you have ZERO obligation to this man. I know this sounds bad but be glad for the lesson learned....you are not bankrupt, your kids still love and respect you, and you can walk away with your head held high. You know how when you start dating, you have a list of deal breakers? Put "drinking" on your list. Watch for the red flag of drunkeness, or ordering more than one glass. It will save you so much heartache down the road! Good luck on a happy life!! You deserve it!

hopeful4

You are so right, it's just not your problem. No matter how much you try, you cannot make someone help themselves, it is just not possible. And you are not his mommy. It's time for him to stand on his own two feet...or not. His choice.

atalose

As I read your post several things jumped out at me.

A friend you grew up with reached out on FB and you felt an instant connection….RED FLAG!!!

He came back and called me and that was all she wrote, we were instantly in love………….RED FLAG!!

Those closest to you warned you but you thought better……….RED FLAG!!
You had high hopes for him……………RED FLAG!!

And those are just your own red flags you ignored for the sake of fantasy like instant mean to be kind of love that doesn’t come along often……………..FANTASY LIKE, not real.
You seem to have been in a lonely place in your life and then he came along and so did the fantasy of being loved, needed, wanted and turned him into your everything trying to fulfill that fantasy.

There are no many RED FLAGS about him to list and I think you see them very well NOW and hopefully moving forward and with the help of counseling never ignore them again.

Years ago after my divorce I got involved with a guy who had commitment issues, been married twice and was emotionally unavailable……………..he became my “new project”. I had all kinds of life long fantasy about US because my feelings were so overwhelming for him that I thought “this must be the one”. I was living for the fantasy and ignoring reality….it hurt like heck when it ended and what I discovered was it was that dam fantasy I had that I was having a hard time letting go of, not so much him.

It's really not about him or his drinking or his giant history of booze and relationship failures as much as its about YOU and why you chose to ignore all the red flags and your expectations of what thought you would gain by ignoring them.

daydreamer0217

I could not agree more with what you said. I absolutely was lonely and liked the attention and the old feelings we used to have for each other. I romanticized it way too much. I agree 100%. I didn't understand what I was doing or getting into. I have never been around an alcoholic and I was not seeing it for what it was. I was in it, and did not see my way out of it. but when you know better, you do better. I know now.

I was just telling my story. I do not see it as a blame game, I know my part in this. Remember: I am new, I am learning... that is why I came here, to learn and to get better. That is why I go to meetings, to get better. I want to grow as a person, be better

atalose

((hugs))

Glad you found us!!!

And I think you are well on your way to a healtheir happier you.