TryingToLearn

I've talked about my AH's spending before and how it's out of control. Well, he's taken spending to a new level lately and I'm at my lowest point. Kind of paralyzed with all that goes on around me and I'm just not taking any action. I did talk to my family about him and they said I need to decide what I want to do but leaving won't be easy either. So I'm stuck and not doing anything one way or another. I don't have the energy to think how to get out of this mess I have made and I'm blaming myself for sure.

I do take walks, I do get out of the house but then it's always back to the same awful mess.

So I guess what I'm asking is for those of you who lived with a verbally abusive, out of control spending AH what was the first step you took to getting out of the situation when you were at your lowest point?

Thanks for listening.

lillamy

Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You're not the one drinking OR the one spending money.

Al-Anon helped me a LOT. That's where I went at my lowest point. Just having that one hour that was only about ME helped me rebuild my confidence and strength. Everything else was about the A -- keeping him from blowing up, keeping him from drinking, cleaning up his messes -- but that one hour was about ME. And I was with people who got it. Who didn't say "how the hell can you put up with that?" or "are you stupid or something?" which is what I fully expected from everyone around me.

I always came out of those meetings feeling like I had just taken a mentally cleansing shower.

knowthetriggers

I say this with all the gentleness in my body - but you are allowing him to stuck the energy right out of you. Allowing him to have power over your feelings.

lillamy is right - you need to find help, like an Alanon group. This will help you focus on yourself and not the needs of your AH.

If not Alanon then some help outside family and your circle of friends.

LexieCat

I'd suggest first seeing a lawyer to find out what could be done to protect your assets. Some options might be available only if you file for divorce or legal separation, but it's good to know all of the options. You don't have to do anything drastic until and unless you are ready. That might help to stop the bleeding (the financial bleeding, that is).

Once you have figured out how to stop the green hemorrhage, you might want to consult a credit counselor to figure out how to start digging out. Be careful, because some of them are scams. If you do google searches you should be able to find ways to connect with a reputable one.

There is a way out of every situation. It's tough to start when you feel overwhelmed, but often moving a muscle to take SOME action will bring almost immediate relief as you start to plot and plan your way out of the mess.

Hugs,

atalose

I think you already took a big step by talking to your family and letting them know what has been going on. It’s no longer a secret that binds you and you gained support.

Not sure the reason you can’t leave but there are always solutions it’s just that we don’t like those solutions.

Next step – talk to a lawyer the next right step is to al-anon.

AliWProk

Personally, I called the credit card companies and closed the accounts and made a deal to pay off the cards without incurring further interest. I opened my own checking and savings accounts and had my paycheck direct deposited there. In my town we have a Women's Resource Center, which helped me find a lawyer and financial advice for free. I made a plan, stuck to it come what may, and got myself and my son OUT of there.

You sound like you might be better off starting with Al Anon. Having the support of my family was great, but I needed people like you find here at SR to help me manage MY recovery. Your focus is you now. Take care of yourself.

FeelingGreat

Hi TTL, I guess the main thing to do urgently is make sure you don't go down with the ship. I'm talking financially and emotionally. I second Lexie's suggestion that you find a way to separate your finances, get your own income and not become liable for his debts.

Start there, quietly, and you'll feel much better taking some of the power back. Have all the information you can put together when you start. If you can't afford legal advice, talk to the Salvation Army about referral to financial counselling.

FireSprite

I had to separate us financially. I closed/removed him from my credit accounts and started an individual checking account for my paycheck. I started a small cash savings for emergencies, $5 at a time. It took me forever to look at his spending the same as drinking - I had NO control over his bad decisions, but I could remove myself from the equation as much as I could.

3 yrs into recovery & I am just *now* in the last few months able to turn over some control of the finances. (I actually did it for the same reasons - now that he's sober & actually IN recovery he can't continue to make ridiculous & painful financial decisions. I told him that one of my biggest fears is that something would happen to me unexpectedly & he would mismanage the life insurance money, leaving DD suffering as a result of his immaturity. There's NO way I would have considered this for a minute if he was still actively drinking.)

TryingToLearn

Thank you everyone. I have a lot of great advice from you and I'm going to start planning to take some sort of action. I think first thing I'd better do is close our joint account so I shall make myself do something today instead of just letting life wash over me. I think it's so true that I've just had all the life sucked out of me. I'm going to go back and reread everything posted and thank you for listening.

marie1960

Not sure you can just close a joint account. You can remove your name, and then you may not be held liable, but if that is where the money is, you would be blocking yourself. Double edged sword. Being married alone can make you liable, regardless if you are on the account. Thinking you need some legal advice, before you do ANYTHING.

FireSprite

I'm not even sure that you can remove your name without both signers available to sign a new account card.

I just let ours work it's way to a zero balance & then closed it after I had all of my direct debited bills moved to the new acct. He continued to use his business account until he exhausted that & his business credit accounts.

honeypig

TTL, I just legally separated from my A for several reasons, a big one being that I wanted financial protection. I didn't want to be in a situation to lose my house or savings b/c of HIS poor choices. The peace of mind I have now, knowing that I don't have to concern myself with his finances, is really wonderful.

I don't know what the legal situation may be where you live, but I think the advice you've received here to get information is very good, and I hope you can find out what your options are quickly and then take action.

FeelingGreat

This is the key TTL, start with small easy steps and do what you can. As you gain confidence you'll find the larger steps are possible.

If you can't close the joint account, at least set up your own account and remove what you need from the joint account to take care of essential bills. If AH objects you can tell him you're making sure you both don't become homeless or have utilities cut off. Absolutely true.
In addition to that, you can start saving for your running away from home expenses.