Solace

Hi everyone

This is a major realisation of my Life! I am a 40 year old guy, who to be honest is quite successful in a business sense yet a total FOOL in my personal life. I have recently destroyed the world of a truly wonderful person! and three wonderful children, two of which are my own with my partner.

Cocaine took me out of a depression, brought about by business pressure and stress, and took me into a new world of Depression and Sorrow, even self pity!

I have always had a high sex drive, I used to enjoy porn to the extent of perversion! I have smoked cannabis for about 18 years, with the occasional break of say 7days (family holidays, NEVER smoked in front of my children) I first experienced cocaine on the eve of the Millenium (thought it will only happen once in my lifetime, Millenium that is) That was the start of sensation that I would crave for on a more fequent basis has time went by.

Approx 18 months ago I turned to cocaine has a release to the depression I found myself in! To be honest I NEVER thought I was depressed, just fed up! How Wrong I Was! I would sit in my office, alone (I found that I spent most of my time alone! mostly through choice) I would watch porn, smoke dope and snort cocaine! I would have fantasies about the porn I was watching, I would pleasure myself and feel guilt after the drug had subsided.

I also spent a lot of time surfing the net, looking at swingers sites and escort sites, I found a way to take my fantasies one step further, the cocaine, had such an affect that I thought of nothing and no one but my desires within, I would think to myself (whilst on the drug) "I just need to either pick the phone up and call an escort or make contact with a female swinger or couple and I could live my own real life porno! (swingering never really happened, up until mid July 2004)

I am in a hopeless situation, my partner made a discovery (from my mobile phone bill! Fool) my world jus fell apart and I am having a major problem trying to put it back together, Believe it or not my partner still loves me and would possibly still have me back? I LOVE HER MORE THAN LIFE! what stops her is the fact that she thinks I actually cared about my liasons and txt messaging friends. she can't and won't belive that a drug could have such an affect!

Am I Fooling Myself? or have I discovered the reason behind my actions?

I Just want to know?

:cries2:

Hereandnow

Hey Solace,

Is your question ... Can cocaine take you into the world of living out sexual fantasies???

Sure it can.

I feel I always had a pretty high sex drive as well. As my professional career took off my ex-wife and I had more and more problems. Some drug related, some not. We did however split up constantly. Everytime we did, my drug use got more and more nuts and I got more and more nuts period. The carrying out of sexual fantasies went hand in hand with the drug use. I found myself in a world that bordered on whole porn lifestyle. Fuond myself at parties where they made porm movies and found myself at private clubs where the sex was very out in the open. My ex and I would get back together and I would put that other life on hold ... as well as stop the drug use temporarily. Evenutally we split up for good and this gave me reasons (in my own mind) to now follow out every sexual fantasy I had and live that life almost regularly.

Eventually the drug was so powerful that the sex was no longer important. I went through other relationships some of which were with the women I met in this lifestyle. WOW ... that was fun. Knowing that my girlfriend showed up at my apartment about an hour after being with a couple and freely talking about it over hits of cocaine. It was slowly becoming ALL ABOUT the drug. I finally got myself out of that lifestyle but did not stop the using of drugs and alcohol. The outrageously promisuous sex and **** that went along with it was no longer part of my life. Now I was at the stage of one on one sex that almost always included the drug until eventually I was doing the drug all by myself.

I would back off the drugs every now and than and try what most would consider to be a normal relationship. I was pretty much uncapable of handling that. I had one somewhat normal relationship that lasted about two years during this time and when that one broke up ... it was back to the drugs again. This time only much worse. Again I found myself normally alone doing the drugs. Being with other women at this point only meant that I was sharing the drugs, and there was NO WAY I was going to share. It was all about the drugs.

I eventually found myself living alone, lost my career, couldn't pay my own bills and getting high every chance I could. Stealing from whoever I could to get high. I would stop sometimes out of sheer willpower and need just to prove to somebody I was ok ... always to go back and it ALWAYS took me right to where I left off. And than I ALWAYS took the next step in the progression. Until eventually I got into runs that lasted days or a week even where my family had no clue where I was. What a grand life that was.

So ... to answer your original question ... I would say YES. I belive that drug can get a grip on you and take into the world of sexual perversion and fantasies and than take you A WHOLE LOT lower than that.

The first two years were kind of fun as I was living the life of a rock star with the good job and money and I thought I had everyone fooled. I only was fooling myself. As I can very clearly see the last 6 years of using alone and living in paranoia and being ashamed to almost come outside.

You can find help though NA/AA and find out that you are not alone. That as sick as you think you have acted over the past few years ... there are others that have gone through the same things and those same people are willing to help you.

Come here and ask questions as you have done and there are tons of people here that will help. Get to a meeting of NA or AA in your area and give it a chance if you TRULY want to get help.

Good Luck!!!

Chy

Hi and welcome!
You bet your doc can take you to places you'd not go normally. Normal people don't understand that as they thinke we should have enough will power. I'd like to suggest a couple places for you to visit: www.na.org, www.sa.org, www.ca.org, maybe you can find some support through these various organizations and see just where your comfortable.

In the mean time visit our NA forum and Substance abuse forum. We'll offer you a great deal of support!

Solace

Wise words from you all, trying not to sound patronising, but! if I am to be truly honest I don't believe at this moment in time anyway? that I DO actually have a problem with the cocaine (addiction), I DO believe I could have done if my partner had not brought me down to the ground with the shock that I have faced!

I do believe and I would most certainly like to believe that I have seen the errors of my ways! I believe that the depression I found myself in actually took me to the drug! since being isolated in Lanzarote "The Most Fortunate Isle" as it is called! has made me look at my life and re-asses my goals in life!

I have been fortunate enough of late to be in a position to retire, to step away from the pressure of life and live life to the full, in a relaxing sense. My only worry now is that I will be doing it alone! (could this take me back to cocaine? to be honest I hope not, but who knows these things?) I would pledge my life to making my partner happy, and we would be out of the business that made drugs so accessible!

I have but 1 maybe 2 friends in this world, that is people who know me for me and not for what I can do for them. I just want to know from people who have been near to or in the same position I have been in ie. Depressed to the point of looking for escape! finding escape within cocaine, realising their mistake and moving on.

Any help from anyone, in helping me understand my actions is appreciated even if you have seen it from a 3rd party perspective?

Thanks again, to the people who care enough to reply.

Solace.