Addictions are killing me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London
Posts: 170
Addictions are killing me
Hi
Im new here but have been to groups, therapy, and rehab for different substances. Kicked crack and heroin at 20 (im 36 now) alcohol has been the hardest but it will be 2 years without a drink next month.
I have lost and messed up so much I often think is there a point to being sober, it's probably too late. I work at a job I like but I should be doing so much more. Since i've stopped drinking ive come a long way, achieved some things, kept a job stayed out of trouble etc. The problem now is painkillers, 30-60 pills everyday. I can get away with it although im tired and sick a lot. I can't seem to stop, withdrawl just makes work too hard, and I just want to be left alone. I cant explain why to anyone as theres hardly anyone left, my mum died last week and I lost all my friends when I stopped drinking. Anyway, thats where I am now, gonna start tapering down my pills and eating more from today. If I keep it up I'll stay in this forum, the stories here help.
Im new here but have been to groups, therapy, and rehab for different substances. Kicked crack and heroin at 20 (im 36 now) alcohol has been the hardest but it will be 2 years without a drink next month.
I have lost and messed up so much I often think is there a point to being sober, it's probably too late. I work at a job I like but I should be doing so much more. Since i've stopped drinking ive come a long way, achieved some things, kept a job stayed out of trouble etc. The problem now is painkillers, 30-60 pills everyday. I can get away with it although im tired and sick a lot. I can't seem to stop, withdrawl just makes work too hard, and I just want to be left alone. I cant explain why to anyone as theres hardly anyone left, my mum died last week and I lost all my friends when I stopped drinking. Anyway, thats where I am now, gonna start tapering down my pills and eating more from today. If I keep it up I'll stay in this forum, the stories here help.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Hi Iwalktheline 
it's never too late - we have folks who got sober in their 60s and folks who were one station away from the end of the line.
Getting addicted to something else is rough but you can overcome this too - tonms of support here.
Not sure what kind of painkillers we're talking, but have you thought about involving a Dr at all?
D
it's never too late - we have folks who got sober in their 60s and folks who were one station away from the end of the line.
Getting addicted to something else is rough but you can overcome this too - tonms of support here.
Not sure what kind of painkillers we're talking, but have you thought about involving a Dr at all?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London
Posts: 170
Hi
I've been through a lot of addictions, doctors take a long while and normally want to solve it with more pills, I got on lorazepam, while coming of crack. I need to do it on my own this time, I just feel really sad all the time like nothing matters, I enjoy making money and that seems a safer addiction, id like to get back into that. But im just always tired, and every addiction just takes away more of my confidence. I get nervous all the time but I have to keep up the charade, its a dog eat dog world, especially around here.
The painkillers are various opiates, from 10mg hydrocodeine to 30mg codeine, I try to limit it to 40, but sometimes I'll take them until im Ill.
I've been through a lot of addictions, doctors take a long while and normally want to solve it with more pills, I got on lorazepam, while coming of crack. I need to do it on my own this time, I just feel really sad all the time like nothing matters, I enjoy making money and that seems a safer addiction, id like to get back into that. But im just always tired, and every addiction just takes away more of my confidence. I get nervous all the time but I have to keep up the charade, its a dog eat dog world, especially around here.
The painkillers are various opiates, from 10mg hydrocodeine to 30mg codeine, I try to limit it to 40, but sometimes I'll take them until im Ill.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London
Posts: 170
I understand its never to late to get sober, but sometimes its too late to get back what you had. Through drink and drugs I will never achieve anything other than a normal life, which is better than dieing in a gutter, but hardly an incentive to stop.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Originally Posted by IWalkTheLine 
I understand its never to late to get sober, but sometimes its too late to get back what you had. Through drink and drugs I will never achieve anything other than a normal life, which is better than dieing in a gutter, but hardly an incentive to stop.
In one sense that was good really because my life now is nothing like I imagined, but better in everyway than I could have dreamt of.
I've done more in the 8 years I've been clean and sober than I did in the 20 years before that.
You can mourn the wasted years...or seize the day. Your choice really
D
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Holy crap! 36 years old.......man, did you know Winston Churchill????
Come on man, you are in the spring of your life! You can still accomplish anything you choose!! At 55 I consider myself still with time to do things..........
Your capability to beat addictions is remarkable. I agree with what you said about Doc's - they always want to cure you with anther pill. At some point all the poison needs to go away.
Regret of the past and fear of tomorrow are the great inhibitors of life. They are mirages and not real - don't fall prey to inaction due to those illusions.
Glad you're here, deal with your current issues and get on with your young life.
L'chaim!
Come on man, you are in the spring of your life! You can still accomplish anything you choose!! At 55 I consider myself still with time to do things..........
Your capability to beat addictions is remarkable. I agree with what you said about Doc's - they always want to cure you with anther pill. At some point all the poison needs to go away.
Regret of the past and fear of tomorrow are the great inhibitors of life. They are mirages and not real - don't fall prey to inaction due to those illusions.
Glad you're here, deal with your current issues and get on with your young life.
L'chaim!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London
Posts: 170
Trouble is flynboy, I worked so hard to achieve things that ive lost like my house, marriage, job (I have so many convictions no one will employ me unless they get to know me first). I dont think I can get any of it back I know im still young but the mistakes ive made have ruined whats left of my life. I will try to get clean, but ive lost something.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Mi
Posts: 1,318
Hi IWalk,
I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.
Your story sounds a bit like mine, except you started seeking help much earlier than I did.
I drank ( to get drunk ) & did a lot of coke from the ages of 18 to 38.
I then switched over to methadone, norcos & klonopins & for the next 10yrs
Last yr. I started & quit heroin. I admitted myself into rehab in Aug.2014.
The rehab sent me to a suboxine doctor & I quit subs last mo.on Feb.25.
I urge you to go to a doctor because vicodins can harm your liver.
Tapering w/pills is always best, imo. I never had that luxury.
What exactly defines a normal life? The answer is probably different for each & everyone of us.
I've lost everything I owned at one point in my life ( home, land, car, all possessions & most of all, I've nearly lost my son & my husband. )
After nearly loosing people I love the most, material possessions took on a whole new meaning for me.
My point is, I know things look bleak right now, but your future could be very bright if you quit the drugs. I guarantee it won't be on drugs. I've found that I'm a much more positive person, drug free. I isolated myself for yrs., I was self centered, I didn't care if people wanted me to quit, I hurt people. The list goes on & on.
Keep coming here, no matter what, preferably everyday. The support you receive here is invaluable!
I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.
Your story sounds a bit like mine, except you started seeking help much earlier than I did.
I drank ( to get drunk ) & did a lot of coke from the ages of 18 to 38.
I then switched over to methadone, norcos & klonopins & for the next 10yrs
Last yr. I started & quit heroin. I admitted myself into rehab in Aug.2014.
The rehab sent me to a suboxine doctor & I quit subs last mo.on Feb.25.
I urge you to go to a doctor because vicodins can harm your liver.
Tapering w/pills is always best, imo. I never had that luxury.
What exactly defines a normal life? The answer is probably different for each & everyone of us.
I've lost everything I owned at one point in my life ( home, land, car, all possessions & most of all, I've nearly lost my son & my husband. )
After nearly loosing people I love the most, material possessions took on a whole new meaning for me.
My point is, I know things look bleak right now, but your future could be very bright if you quit the drugs. I guarantee it won't be on drugs. I've found that I'm a much more positive person, drug free. I isolated myself for yrs., I was self centered, I didn't care if people wanted me to quit, I hurt people. The list goes on & on.
Keep coming here, no matter what, preferably everyday. The support you receive here is invaluable!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Mi
Posts: 1,318
P.S. it seems you've lost a lot too ( we posted @ the same time, so I didn't see your last post until now. )
People w/addictions loose. That's it, nothing more, nothing less.
I hope you come back everyday ( this site has saved me at times. )
People w/addictions loose. That's it, nothing more, nothing less.
I hope you come back everyday ( this site has saved me at times. )
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London
Posts: 170
Its no so much the stuff ive lost, but I feel the addictions have robbed me of the ability to claw any of it back. I just feel like keeping my head down and muddling through, like a prisoner. Its hard to explain. Thanks for everyones response.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by IWalkTheLine
Its no so much the stuff ive lost, but I feel the addictions have robbed me of the ability to claw any of it back. I just feel like keeping my head down and muddling through, like a prisoner. Its hard to explain. Thanks for everyones response.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
You know what? I found that I had underlying mental health issues and PTSD. Of course I still need to be diligent about not using any mind altering substances-treating my MH issues has changed.my.life.
I didn't say I wanted to use drugs when I grow up-I was self medicating.
People talk about NA/AA, and other 12 step programs. Check everything out. Serious as a heart attack-when I found what worked for me-things got so much easier. Today I know why I wanted to self medicate and spending time dealing with why helped curb the usage until it was zero.
I don't have any specific words of advice except talk to a medical professional. I'm not talking about a GP-talk to someone who specializes in MH and substance use.
You can do this. I will be 42 this year. Things aren't perfect but they are getting better.
I didn't say I wanted to use drugs when I grow up-I was self medicating.
People talk about NA/AA, and other 12 step programs. Check everything out. Serious as a heart attack-when I found what worked for me-things got so much easier. Today I know why I wanted to self medicate and spending time dealing with why helped curb the usage until it was zero.
I don't have any specific words of advice except talk to a medical professional. I'm not talking about a GP-talk to someone who specializes in MH and substance use.
You can do this. I will be 42 this year. Things aren't perfect but they are getting better.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
a quick bit of thoughts on what you've written-
You mum died a week ago? I am so sorry ... to feel tired, sad and wanting to be alone right now is something I could relate to when going through grief. Kind of a "duck and cover."
You've beat other things...clean from crack and heroin for 16 years? And booze for 2 years? I think that's pretty incredible.
I've been through the painkiller thing myself. When it came time to get off them, I withdrew from most of my support people. I'm a loner and don't tend to talk much. I didn't taper though I think that can make the "jump" a much softer landing.
You have a couple things going for you - you're not trying to come off methadone nor sub. Those are longer withdrawals and I often just ache for the people that don't go through the "normal" opiate withdrawals.
I believe you should be as gentle with yourself as possible right now. If you only want to speak about this here on SR, then do that. If you don't wanna post, but write in private, then I highly recommend checking out Substance Abuse Forum and doing a quick read to see who you might feel a connection to.
I can tell you it's not ever too late to make changes. You've done it with substances that are far harder (mentally/physically) to quit. This is ..eh, it is what it is. Life circumstances being as they are for you right now, I'd hazard a guess you need some time and a few shoulders to lean on in order to take care of the issue at hand.
take care
You mum died a week ago? I am so sorry ... to feel tired, sad and wanting to be alone right now is something I could relate to when going through grief. Kind of a "duck and cover."
You've beat other things...clean from crack and heroin for 16 years? And booze for 2 years? I think that's pretty incredible.
I've been through the painkiller thing myself. When it came time to get off them, I withdrew from most of my support people. I'm a loner and don't tend to talk much. I didn't taper though I think that can make the "jump" a much softer landing.
You have a couple things going for you - you're not trying to come off methadone nor sub. Those are longer withdrawals and I often just ache for the people that don't go through the "normal" opiate withdrawals.
I believe you should be as gentle with yourself as possible right now. If you only want to speak about this here on SR, then do that. If you don't wanna post, but write in private, then I highly recommend checking out Substance Abuse Forum and doing a quick read to see who you might feel a connection to.
I can tell you it's not ever too late to make changes. You've done it with substances that are far harder (mentally/physically) to quit. This is ..eh, it is what it is. Life circumstances being as they are for you right now, I'd hazard a guess you need some time and a few shoulders to lean on in order to take care of the issue at hand.
take care
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
pills some how everything is tied together.. my goodness.. payers.. hope you find a good bottom line.. my hubby has dropped a bunch of the pills and yet is afraid of just the last 2 morphine ... they hold him tighter then I ever will.. hugs from Wisconsin Hugs from an old lady a Mom.. and kiddo you hang on to these silly people for they have all walked that line.. love a Mom..ardy
Originally Posted by IWalkTheLine
Hi
Im new here but have been to groups, therapy, and rehab for different substances. Kicked crack and heroin at 20 (im 36 now) alcohol has been the hardest but it will be 2 years without a drink next month.
I have lost and messed up so much I often think is there a point to being sober, it's probably too late. I work at a job I like but I should be doing so much more. Since i've stopped drinking ive come a long way, achieved some things, kept a job stayed out of trouble etc. The problem now is painkillers, 30-60 pills everyday. I can get away with it although im tired and sick a lot. I can't seem to stop, withdrawl just makes work too hard, and I just want to be left alone. I cant explain why to anyone as theres hardly anyone left, my mum died last week and I lost all my friends when I stopped drinking. Anyway, thats where I am now, gonna start tapering down my pills and eating more from today. If I keep it up I'll stay in this forum, the stories here help.
Im new here but have been to groups, therapy, and rehab for different substances. Kicked crack and heroin at 20 (im 36 now) alcohol has been the hardest but it will be 2 years without a drink next month.
I have lost and messed up so much I often think is there a point to being sober, it's probably too late. I work at a job I like but I should be doing so much more. Since i've stopped drinking ive come a long way, achieved some things, kept a job stayed out of trouble etc. The problem now is painkillers, 30-60 pills everyday. I can get away with it although im tired and sick a lot. I can't seem to stop, withdrawl just makes work too hard, and I just want to be left alone. I cant explain why to anyone as theres hardly anyone left, my mum died last week and I lost all my friends when I stopped drinking. Anyway, thats where I am now, gonna start tapering down my pills and eating more from today. If I keep it up I'll stay in this forum, the stories here help.
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