Personal Limits and Boundaries
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
The Red Velvet Rope by Dan Miller
The Red Velvet*Rope
by Dan Miller.
Have you ever been at one of those big opening night events – where all the important people walk the red carpet on the other side of that red velvet rope?* Well let’s imagine that you have a red velvet rope for your life?* Who are you going to let inside?* What “friends” do you really want to spend your time with?* What relatives do you want to allow inside your red velvet rope?* If you have a business, what customers will you select?
Don’t just think this is being self-centered or egotistical.* If you have no red velvet rope you will find that your life will be taken over by people and activities that may not be in your best interests.* In working with a young lady just recently released from prison, she is seeing that her old friends and hang-outs set her up for the same self-defeating behaviors that led her to prison.* She needs to break those connections, hold her red velvet rope up high and decide who gets in.*
This is just like setting and living by your own goals – if you haven’t identified your goals, I can assure you you’re living out someone else’s goals for your life.* If you don’t have a red velvet rope, you’ll have customers stealing your valuable time, family members who just want to pull you down to their level, friends who don’t embrace your desires for a higher level of success, and activities that waste your highest areas of contribution.
So define who and what you will allow inside your red velvet rope:
What kind of people do you enjoy being around?*What goals do they have for their own lives?How are they enriching the lives of other people or making the world a better place?Are they happy, creative and optimistic?What activities do you find energizing and invigorating?What kind of environment brings out your best talents and makes you feel purposeful and fulfilled?Now what people and activities will get past the red velvet rope that protects you?
You might just be amazed at the increase you will see in peace, productivity and profits
by Dan Miller.
Have you ever been at one of those big opening night events – where all the important people walk the red carpet on the other side of that red velvet rope?* Well let’s imagine that you have a red velvet rope for your life?* Who are you going to let inside?* What “friends” do you really want to spend your time with?* What relatives do you want to allow inside your red velvet rope?* If you have a business, what customers will you select?
Don’t just think this is being self-centered or egotistical.* If you have no red velvet rope you will find that your life will be taken over by people and activities that may not be in your best interests.* In working with a young lady just recently released from prison, she is seeing that her old friends and hang-outs set her up for the same self-defeating behaviors that led her to prison.* She needs to break those connections, hold her red velvet rope up high and decide who gets in.*
This is just like setting and living by your own goals – if you haven’t identified your goals, I can assure you you’re living out someone else’s goals for your life.* If you don’t have a red velvet rope, you’ll have customers stealing your valuable time, family members who just want to pull you down to their level, friends who don’t embrace your desires for a higher level of success, and activities that waste your highest areas of contribution.
So define who and what you will allow inside your red velvet rope:
What kind of people do you enjoy being around?*What goals do they have for their own lives?How are they enriching the lives of other people or making the world a better place?Are they happy, creative and optimistic?What activities do you find energizing and invigorating?What kind of environment brings out your best talents and makes you feel purposeful and fulfilled?Now what people and activities will get past the red velvet rope that protects you?
You might just be amazed at the increase you will see in peace, productivity and profits
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
This isnt exactly on boundaries, its about support, and in general it was written in more of a business sense and when there is an financial challenge to face within a family, and one member is taking on a new challenge. But a challenge is a challenge and I can easily insert addiction and recovery into this.
What I think it emphasizes is the team approach our counselors advised us to take. My role is important in terms of supporting my husbands recovery, but I must first take care of myself, and even determine my own healthy limits. In order to be of support, I must have myself and my emotions all squared away and under control.
Also it talks of change, and we are changing too and learning. Family support is critical for us too. My husband, my parents, inlaws, close friends have been suportive. I stop and think, it would be so much harder if they didnt support my choices, decisions and encourage me.
The Inexpressible Comfort
by Dan Miller.
I responded to the avalanche of questions regarding What’s Holding You Back? In addition to lack of money, fear, procrastination, and no time, I received an unexpected category – that of no spousal support.
Comments like this:
My problem holding me back is my husband. When I want to do something, I take off running, deal with the problems when they arise, but my husband is the most negative person and always picks apart everything and tells me all the reasons why it won't work. I think I have some very good ideas, but he won't even listen. I am 46, deep in debt, and he says my ideas are stupid.
Not having the support of those closest to you is a major deal. I know this may sound cheesy, but the most amazing thing I’ve ever done is to marry the woman I married. She’s my biggest cheerleader – she’s given me the freedom to try and fail, and yet continued to love and support me.
We got married very young – and our first home was an 8 x 42 foot trailer. Our first child,Kevin, was born while we lived in that trailer; I built his first bed over the wheel well in the middle room – which was really just a hallway.
At 17 years old, shortly before we got married, Joanne gave me a little romantic book with this quotation highlighted. It became one of the important reference points for our many years together:
Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.—Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859
Years later, when I lost everything in business and we owed hundreds of thousands of dollars, Joanne reminded me that we were totally happy in that little trailer, and if we needed to go back to that, it would be perfectly fine with her. That attitude and unconditional support has been invaluable in allowing me the freedom to really find my path – and the ultimate success we know today.
I say that as a way of acknowledging that lack of spousal support is a major deal. When I work with guys who are going through transition – and they get excited about something innovative and non-traditional – if their wife is not on board, I encourage them to just go find another job.
Now that being said, what can you do if spouse or family and friends are not supportive of your new ideas and the direction you’d like to go?
One of the hallmark characteristics of highly successful people is that they spend time around people who are already performing at the level at which they want to perform.
Some quick tips:
Join 2-3 organizations with like-minded people.
Form your own mastermind group. I have a group that has been meeting every Wednesday morning for more than 8 years now. We share ideas, study books together, and support each other in many ways.
Read good books. You can open the door to positive, exciting ideas and environments immediately.
Seek out a good counselor. Even if you have to go by yourself, find a compassionate listening ear to provide feedback and guidance.
Be the person you know you were meant to be. Don’t pass blame on anyone. Hold your head high and be someone who exudes confidence, boldness, and enthusiasm.
What I think it emphasizes is the team approach our counselors advised us to take. My role is important in terms of supporting my husbands recovery, but I must first take care of myself, and even determine my own healthy limits. In order to be of support, I must have myself and my emotions all squared away and under control.
Also it talks of change, and we are changing too and learning. Family support is critical for us too. My husband, my parents, inlaws, close friends have been suportive. I stop and think, it would be so much harder if they didnt support my choices, decisions and encourage me.
The Inexpressible Comfort
by Dan Miller.
I responded to the avalanche of questions regarding What’s Holding You Back? In addition to lack of money, fear, procrastination, and no time, I received an unexpected category – that of no spousal support.
Comments like this:
My problem holding me back is my husband. When I want to do something, I take off running, deal with the problems when they arise, but my husband is the most negative person and always picks apart everything and tells me all the reasons why it won't work. I think I have some very good ideas, but he won't even listen. I am 46, deep in debt, and he says my ideas are stupid.
Not having the support of those closest to you is a major deal. I know this may sound cheesy, but the most amazing thing I’ve ever done is to marry the woman I married. She’s my biggest cheerleader – she’s given me the freedom to try and fail, and yet continued to love and support me.
We got married very young – and our first home was an 8 x 42 foot trailer. Our first child,Kevin, was born while we lived in that trailer; I built his first bed over the wheel well in the middle room – which was really just a hallway.
At 17 years old, shortly before we got married, Joanne gave me a little romantic book with this quotation highlighted. It became one of the important reference points for our many years together:
Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.—Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859
Years later, when I lost everything in business and we owed hundreds of thousands of dollars, Joanne reminded me that we were totally happy in that little trailer, and if we needed to go back to that, it would be perfectly fine with her. That attitude and unconditional support has been invaluable in allowing me the freedom to really find my path – and the ultimate success we know today.
I say that as a way of acknowledging that lack of spousal support is a major deal. When I work with guys who are going through transition – and they get excited about something innovative and non-traditional – if their wife is not on board, I encourage them to just go find another job.
Now that being said, what can you do if spouse or family and friends are not supportive of your new ideas and the direction you’d like to go?
One of the hallmark characteristics of highly successful people is that they spend time around people who are already performing at the level at which they want to perform.
Some quick tips:
Join 2-3 organizations with like-minded people.
Form your own mastermind group. I have a group that has been meeting every Wednesday morning for more than 8 years now. We share ideas, study books together, and support each other in many ways.
Read good books. You can open the door to positive, exciting ideas and environments immediately.
Seek out a good counselor. Even if you have to go by yourself, find a compassionate listening ear to provide feedback and guidance.
Be the person you know you were meant to be. Don’t pass blame on anyone. Hold your head high and be someone who exudes confidence, boldness, and enthusiasm.
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