It's all about me Part 4
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It's all about me Part 4
Here's the continuation from http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
( I gotta get my spot back 
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I knew something was different yesterday and today. That anger of h's felt too familiar.
I found the bottle tonight. He tried to deny it but I wasn't going to be lied to and when I told him that, he admitted it.
I don't know how long it's been happening.
I told him, i don't know what's worse. The fact the has been lying about it, or the fact he has no real relapse plan, not one that's realistic. His was something like 10 mtgs in 5 days and go back to detox. We all know that's not going to happen.
I told him he's a good person and this doesn't define him, and that I'm sorry but I can't talk to him right now. I need to digest this and I don't know how to.
I found the bottle tonight. He tried to deny it but I wasn't going to be lied to and when I told him that, he admitted it.
I don't know how long it's been happening.
I told him, i don't know what's worse. The fact the has been lying about it, or the fact he has no real relapse plan, not one that's realistic. His was something like 10 mtgs in 5 days and go back to detox. We all know that's not going to happen.
I told him he's a good person and this doesn't define him, and that I'm sorry but I can't talk to him right now. I need to digest this and I don't know how to.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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(((Charley))) see I tripled the hugs.. Im sorry. I know relapse idea had been tossed around and you saw signs of it, at least a mental lapse weeks ago.
I think you handled it perfectly tonight! Take your time and process it. What you said to him was perfect too. Keep remembering this is all happening inside him and while we can support, its gotta be him to take control and figure out what happened, and how to move forward. Its good you know, and good he knows you know too.
Eerie though. He just told you he was feeling angry, and it would take him a while to figure it out, and he even reminded you it was nothing about You,, DD, or DS . Wheels do appear to be turning in his mind.
Remember what you said last week, the goal is to have a calm Charley regardless of whats going on with him.
Ha! Yes those relapse plans.
I think you handled it perfectly tonight! Take your time and process it. What you said to him was perfect too. Keep remembering this is all happening inside him and while we can support, its gotta be him to take control and figure out what happened, and how to move forward. Its good you know, and good he knows you know too.
Eerie though. He just told you he was feeling angry, and it would take him a while to figure it out, and he even reminded you it was nothing about You,, DD, or DS . Wheels do appear to be turning in his mind.
Remember what you said last week, the goal is to have a calm Charley regardless of whats going on with him.
Ha! Yes those relapse plans.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Oh damn it Charley! What a bummer!
Does he drink stuff you can smell? Or is it stuff a person doesn't smell on someone's breath?
The crazy ding bat SGT I worked the last year with while in the Army was suspected of drinking. Her water bottle smelled like peppermint snaps and she was always taking it to her truck and bringing it back. She also chewed gum that was of the peppermint kind.
I know this is a blow to your senses! I'm so sorry!
TOD
Does he drink stuff you can smell? Or is it stuff a person doesn't smell on someone's breath?
The crazy ding bat SGT I worked the last year with while in the Army was suspected of drinking. Her water bottle smelled like peppermint snaps and she was always taking it to her truck and bringing it back. She also chewed gum that was of the peppermint kind.
I know this is a blow to your senses! I'm so sorry!
TOD
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Thanks Blue. I needed to hear all that.
I suspect it started Saturday night, after our date, continued thru until now. Yesterday he was very angry and that's when he said it's not about me or dd or Ds but that anger was very familiar to me.
Tonight I walk into our bedroom and he's already asleep and i can smell it. I could taste it in his kiss last night. I knew this yesterday I just couldn't face it. I needed the proof, i got that tonight, now what?
I think he was drinking when he drove dd to dance today. I can't face that yet.
I am all chaos inside.
I suspect it started Saturday night, after our date, continued thru until now. Yesterday he was very angry and that's when he said it's not about me or dd or Ds but that anger was very familiar to me.
Tonight I walk into our bedroom and he's already asleep and i can smell it. I could taste it in his kiss last night. I knew this yesterday I just couldn't face it. I needed the proof, i got that tonight, now what?
I think he was drinking when he drove dd to dance today. I can't face that yet.
I am all chaos inside.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Originally Posted by PinkCloudsCharley 
Thanks Tod. Yes I can smell it. It's rum. It's bad tonight. Far too familiar and i hate it. Im all cool and collected on the outside but inside I'm a mess.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Good point Charley, you have always been able to smell it. Well he knows now he has some added medical problem, and its good he has the psych eval soon. He was thinking about meds, and also hes admitted the depression.
I think you will need to deal with his driving the kids without delay. If you can smell it, then I think your daughter could too if they were in a car?
One emotion at a time, maybe this would help? Maybe start with what it will take for you to have a chance at sleeping tonight.
Tod, its kinda funny. The peppermint. Im sure she thought it was so clever! I will just smell like a big ole pepermint plant and no one will notice!
I think you will need to deal with his driving the kids without delay. If you can smell it, then I think your daughter could too if they were in a car?
One emotion at a time, maybe this would help? Maybe start with what it will take for you to have a chance at sleeping tonight.
Tod, its kinda funny. The peppermint. Im sure she thought it was so clever! I will just smell like a big ole pepermint plant and no one will notice!
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Jethro seemed to be okay today! He had all the tin placed on the boards covering the lawnmowers when I got up! Just a few pieces to go to finish it! He wasn't here either!
I missed little britches when I first got up. She was standing at the corner of the kitchen when I walked back inside. She's so tiny and so quite at times! LOL Only having one eye to see out of she stays close to walls and objects too. I picked her up and took her outside to her pen. I came back inside and sat down at my computer. Jethro arrived shortly after. He walked in with food from Wendys. I told him to put my baked potatoe in the fridge for later! He ate and then went back outside to do some more work on the new shed!
When I walked out on the porch he walked up to me and kissed me! He was in a good mood! Had good music coming from the speakers too! He was talking and acting normal. No nasty attitude or cutting down everything I said to him.
As for how he is after taking a shower and settling in for the night? I haven't seen any signs of him taking a pain pill. He seems to be acting okay!
TOD
I missed little britches when I first got up. She was standing at the corner of the kitchen when I walked back inside. She's so tiny and so quite at times! LOL Only having one eye to see out of she stays close to walls and objects too. I picked her up and took her outside to her pen. I came back inside and sat down at my computer. Jethro arrived shortly after. He walked in with food from Wendys. I told him to put my baked potatoe in the fridge for later! He ate and then went back outside to do some more work on the new shed!
When I walked out on the porch he walked up to me and kissed me! He was in a good mood! Had good music coming from the speakers too! He was talking and acting normal. No nasty attitude or cutting down everything I said to him.
As for how he is after taking a shower and settling in for the night? I haven't seen any signs of him taking a pain pill. He seems to be acting okay!
TOD
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Originally Posted by BlueChair
Good point Charley, you have always been able to smell it. Well he knows now he has some added medical problem, and its good he has the psych eval soon. He was thinking about meds, and also hes admitted the depression.
I think you will need to deal with his driving the kids without delay. If you can smell it, then I think your daughter could too if they were in a car?
One emotion at a time, maybe this would help? Maybe start with what it will take for you to have a chance at sleeping tonight.
Tod, its kinda funny. The peppermint. Im sure she thought it was so clever! I will just smell like a big ole pepermint plant and no one will notice!
I think you will need to deal with his driving the kids without delay. If you can smell it, then I think your daughter could too if they were in a car?
One emotion at a time, maybe this would help? Maybe start with what it will take for you to have a chance at sleeping tonight.
Tod, its kinda funny. The peppermint. Im sure she thought it was so clever! I will just smell like a big ole pepermint plant and no one will notice!
Oh SGT Stupid was a real winner! I'd be standing in front of her talking to her and she'd be looking right thru me. I wanted to knock on her forehead and ask if anybody was home?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
The smell of the rum must be triggering for you Charley.. such bad memories. Im sorry it happened, but try to remember what he does next is the most important part. I liked the article on relapse that was bumped up too.. very helpful. Whatever happened, none of it was your fault.. stick with the facts of addiction and don't go to the other emotional places.
If I had to deal with the drinking & worries about driving.. I think my immediate answer would be to just tell my husband without much discussion that I would be driving our son everywhere until he stabilized and we talked it through at a later time. (As emotionless as possible, and that would be very hard when my son is involved).
I remembered an article someone sent to me recently; I was going to share it eventually, so I just posted it here tonight. "Where are your Feet?" I thought you might like it.. plus it has a cute dancing Penguin.. I almost went to look for a dancing chicken.. LOL.. but the penguin was so cute.
Hello to everyone... I will catch up with all of you.
My weekend was good. We went to an Easter Egg Hunt.. with our son.. better clarify that.. LOL We colored eggs.. I usually buy our eggs from a lady who sells them, and some of them are brown eggs. So I also had to buy some from the grocery store. You can get artistic with coloring eggs. I just hope I cooked them ok.. I had a couple crack slightly so I ended up boiling a few more and we had deviled eggs to go along with our dinner. Another Easter Egg hunt this week through one of the kids activity places.
If I had to deal with the drinking & worries about driving.. I think my immediate answer would be to just tell my husband without much discussion that I would be driving our son everywhere until he stabilized and we talked it through at a later time. (As emotionless as possible, and that would be very hard when my son is involved).
I remembered an article someone sent to me recently; I was going to share it eventually, so I just posted it here tonight. "Where are your Feet?" I thought you might like it.. plus it has a cute dancing Penguin.. I almost went to look for a dancing chicken.. LOL.. but the penguin was so cute.
Hello to everyone... I will catch up with all of you.
My weekend was good. We went to an Easter Egg Hunt.. with our son.. better clarify that.. LOL We colored eggs.. I usually buy our eggs from a lady who sells them, and some of them are brown eggs. So I also had to buy some from the grocery store. You can get artistic with coloring eggs. I just hope I cooked them ok.. I had a couple crack slightly so I ended up boiling a few more and we had deviled eggs to go along with our dinner. Another Easter Egg hunt this week through one of the kids activity places.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Good morning Dear Friends!
Hope everyone is OK?
First of all Charley I'm so sad for you! I know this is shocking and hard to digest! When you guys sit down to talk please tell your husband you know that people who struggle with addiction will always try and minimize their use. I can't tell you how many times I told my husband I had just picked up that one time...or don't worry this is it.... this once. When in fact I had picked up a long time ago (just didn't get caught) or never actually quit but for a couple days. I know its hard to wrap your head around this fact that he could have lied for a long time....but to live in denial will not help you either.
What I always tell family that are in your situation is that recovery looks like recovery. Active addiction looks like active addiction. If you want, read some threads in newcomers or alcohol and sub abuse. You will see the changes as you read thru the threads. They have totally different attitudes. The old using behavior is swapped for positivity and excitement of recovery. Sure there might be some rough patches...but they are different from behavior in active addiction. I don't expect you to be a mind reader and hubs should be truthful. I just hate to see you lied to and tricked! I just think he needs to know that you are not going to fall for his fake sobriety anymore! That you cannot be manipulated easily. Also, for me it felt better to get it out into the open. I didn't have to feel like a lier and a cheat! Because those just made me feel like using more! To be able to be truthful to my family and admit I failed and explain how hard it was to stay sober....and for them to understand....not yell and scream at me.....but truly understand and help me to find out what I needed to get this done right. Not enable me or believe my lies but to understand and help find the right treatment for me. I didn't want to hurt my family, I didn't want to disappoint them either. I wanted to live life on life's terms I just could not figure out how to do that. The triggers and the cravings were just so overwhelming! To look at the sad and disappointed face of my husband made me feel worse! Made me want to numb myself in pills! Have you ever discussed the Vivitrol shot? (Sp) I took the pill form and it did help me with cravings. I knew I couldn't use or I'd get sick. So I didn't bother to entertain thoughts of using. I know this isn't easy for you.
So so sorry!
OK....well my son is home again today. He had a fever of 101 last night. Had to get up and give him Tylenol .
Tod glad Jethro was being normal last night.
Butter hugs back!
Allfor glad you enjoyed your weekend ! I miss all those cute little fum things we did when our kids were young. Hmmm......they might still enjoy coloring eggs and who wouldn't get into a good Easter egg hunt?
Blue you are going to be super busy soon! I loved your thread idea!
OK...bbl!
Hope everyone is OK?
First of all Charley I'm so sad for you! I know this is shocking and hard to digest! When you guys sit down to talk please tell your husband you know that people who struggle with addiction will always try and minimize their use. I can't tell you how many times I told my husband I had just picked up that one time...or don't worry this is it.... this once. When in fact I had picked up a long time ago (just didn't get caught) or never actually quit but for a couple days. I know its hard to wrap your head around this fact that he could have lied for a long time....but to live in denial will not help you either.
What I always tell family that are in your situation is that recovery looks like recovery. Active addiction looks like active addiction. If you want, read some threads in newcomers or alcohol and sub abuse. You will see the changes as you read thru the threads. They have totally different attitudes. The old using behavior is swapped for positivity and excitement of recovery. Sure there might be some rough patches...but they are different from behavior in active addiction. I don't expect you to be a mind reader and hubs should be truthful. I just hate to see you lied to and tricked! I just think he needs to know that you are not going to fall for his fake sobriety anymore! That you cannot be manipulated easily. Also, for me it felt better to get it out into the open. I didn't have to feel like a lier and a cheat! Because those just made me feel like using more! To be able to be truthful to my family and admit I failed and explain how hard it was to stay sober....and for them to understand....not yell and scream at me.....but truly understand and help me to find out what I needed to get this done right. Not enable me or believe my lies but to understand and help find the right treatment for me. I didn't want to hurt my family, I didn't want to disappoint them either. I wanted to live life on life's terms I just could not figure out how to do that. The triggers and the cravings were just so overwhelming! To look at the sad and disappointed face of my husband made me feel worse! Made me want to numb myself in pills! Have you ever discussed the Vivitrol shot? (Sp) I took the pill form and it did help me with cravings. I knew I couldn't use or I'd get sick. So I didn't bother to entertain thoughts of using. I know this isn't easy for you.
So so sorry!
OK....well my son is home again today. He had a fever of 101 last night. Had to get up and give him Tylenol .
Tod glad Jethro was being normal last night.
Butter hugs back!
Allfor glad you enjoyed your weekend ! I miss all those cute little fum things we did when our kids were young. Hmmm......they might still enjoy coloring eggs and who wouldn't get into a good Easter egg hunt?
Blue you are going to be super busy soon! I loved your thread idea!
OK...bbl!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Thanks everyone. I appreciate it. I can't think straight at the moment and I couldn't look him I the eye. I want to handle this right but i don't know how. My mind is completely empty, everything that I have learned is gone.
We've only texted since I last spoke to him last night when I told him I love him but I need some time. he was texting as I was getting Ds to sleep. He said he was going to figure out what went wrong and fix it and it's not the end of the world. Ya I know those things but I'm angry he said that. He told me to trust him and i did. Trust is gone.
There's that saying, i forget how it goes, but basically broken trust is like a smashed glass, easy to break and almost impossible to put back together. I feel like telling him that but I'm sure he knows it. He knows I'm disappointed, he knows I'm upset. I just need to handle this the right way.
We've only texted since I last spoke to him last night when I told him I love him but I need some time. he was texting as I was getting Ds to sleep. He said he was going to figure out what went wrong and fix it and it's not the end of the world. Ya I know those things but I'm angry he said that. He told me to trust him and i did. Trust is gone.
There's that saying, i forget how it goes, but basically broken trust is like a smashed glass, easy to break and almost impossible to put back together. I feel like telling him that but I'm sure he knows it. He knows I'm disappointed, he knows I'm upset. I just need to handle this the right way.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Boston, MA
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Aaaw, you guys make me homesick! I LOVE to color eggs, but this year I won't be able to do it 
and i wasn't able to do it last year. I might tell my mom to buy the color so I can do it when i get back. Hmm, no, i don't even want to think about going back at the moment.
Charley, i already talked to you through PM. I'm so sorry (((((hugs)))) i don't know what to say but send you lots of hugs and strength.
Clean, i hope your son feels better soon!
and i wasn't able to do it last year. I might tell my mom to buy the color so I can do it when i get back. Hmm, no, i don't even want to think about going back at the moment. Charley, i already talked to you through PM. I'm so sorry (((((hugs)))) i don't know what to say
but send you lots of hugs and strength. Clean, i hope your son feels better soon!
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Join Date: May 2014
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Me and my mom's conversation.
Mom: Hi, all good with us. We're on our way to Italy. Everything ok with you?
Me: NOOOO! Stop!!! Turn around!
Mom: What the heck is wrong with you?
Me: You need to by egg color. I want to color eggs when i come back
Mom: WtH? i already did it.
Me: But you didn't tell me Don't color eggs without me!
Mom: No, i would never do that without you!
Mom: Hi, all good with us. We're on our way to Italy. Everything ok with you?
Me: NOOOO! Stop!!! Turn around!
Mom: What the heck is wrong with you?
Me: You need to by egg color. I want to color eggs when i come back
Mom: WtH? i already did it.
Me: But you didn't tell me
Don't color eggs without me! Mom: No, i would never do that without you!
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Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
LOL Butter! You're funny! You don't use the same kind of egg dye that we use? The little kits of egg dye, with the tablets? I'm intrigued now.
Clean, I'm sorry your son is sick. I hate it when kids are sick. I hope his fever breaks soon.
Allfor, I bet your son enjoyed colouring eggs! DS coloured eggs yesterday at daycare, it's all he could talk about all evening. From what I can understand, his egg is yellow. LOL! I'm hoping to colour eggs at home on Sat with him.
Blue, how is your last full day of work for this week going? Hope you're not run off your feet!
Tod, I'm so happy to hear that Jethro is acting normal again. I am crossing my fingers that maybe this is a start of a long string of positive days for him!
Well, I guess H and I are at a kind of point right now. He's been calling and texting, and it's hard to talk at work. I told him again that I love him and that this doesn't define him but I'm having trouble with the trust issue. he says he never drank before he drove DD, and that he knows what he did was stupid. He says he is working on the problem and I need to trust him. Haha, really, trust again? anyway. He says it was just this one time, and he is going to take the necessary steps to fix what went wrong in his head.
I know that recovery is bumpy and jaggedy, and relapses aren't the end of the world. But they can certainly feel like it. I guess I will have to see what happens now, actions more than words, and see if he's willing to make the changes. He knows that he's got problems, I will just have to see how he addresses them I guess. he says he hates himself right now, I'm not sure he ever loved himself to begin with.
smelling that rum smell is something I will never be able to feel ok with.
Clean, I'm sorry your son is sick. I hate it when kids are sick. I hope his fever breaks soon.
Allfor, I bet your son enjoyed colouring eggs! DS coloured eggs yesterday at daycare, it's all he could talk about all evening. From what I can understand, his egg is yellow. LOL! I'm hoping to colour eggs at home on Sat with him.
Blue, how is your last full day of work for this week going? Hope you're not run off your feet!
Tod, I'm so happy to hear that Jethro is acting normal again. I am crossing my fingers that maybe this is a start of a long string of positive days for him!
Well, I guess H and I are at a kind of point right now. He's been calling and texting, and it's hard to talk at work. I told him again that I love him and that this doesn't define him but I'm having trouble with the trust issue. he says he never drank before he drove DD, and that he knows what he did was stupid. He says he is working on the problem and I need to trust him. Haha, really, trust again? anyway. He says it was just this one time, and he is going to take the necessary steps to fix what went wrong in his head.
I know that recovery is bumpy and jaggedy, and relapses aren't the end of the world. But they can certainly feel like it. I guess I will have to see what happens now, actions more than words, and see if he's willing to make the changes. He knows that he's got problems, I will just have to see how he addresses them I guess. he says he hates himself right now, I'm not sure he ever loved himself to begin with.
smelling that rum smell is something I will never be able to feel ok with.
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