EmmyG

I haven't posted in awhile. Things have been quiet on drinking front. The last time AH drank was in December. We're still living apart. He's been focusing on living healthy and being there for the kids, which is good and I've been less stressed. We've been co-parenting well, and the kids are happy and thriving in school.

The other day, I said something to him about how we shouldn't let too much more time go by without making decisons about the future. It's been a year since I moved out and nothing has changed. He's not drinking, but neither of us have moved on the way a separated couple would move on. We've been trying so hard to have a united front for the boys, and keeping the peace, that we kind of "forgot" to formalize things. I am confused about my feelings. I still love him, but I don't think I could ever live with him again. At least not until he had a very long period of sobriety behind him. One year would not be good enough. It would be a serious thing to move back in together, especially for the kids. What if I ended up moving out a few months later? Anyway, I keep thinking about how I want a "real" relationship, with support and affection. I mentioned to him that I just turned 33, and while I'm in no rush, I still want that in my life.

He started talking about how he still loves me, but neither of us would probably ever change enough to be able to live together. He said I am way too controlling, and I will always be that way with him because of his past endeavors. He said I will always question him when he walks out the front door, thinking he's going on a bender, when he's just going to the store to buy milk. That may be true.

He also brought up AGAIN some really old issues from 2006 when we first met. When we first met, I was 24. I had been raised in an extremely sheltered environment and had little dating experience. I had just moved to a big city with my sister and was barely starting to dip my toes into the dating water. It was a little overwhelming. I met him, and it was a whirlwhind, long-distance relationship. He was super charming and "old-fashioned" like me. And because he lived in the UK, everything happened super-fast. Plus, my uber-religious parents were pushing me to marry and not casually date.

I had gone to visit him and while I was there and he was drinking, he had asked me about a club I frequented and had some jealous questions. I don't think he liked me going out while I was so far away from him. He had also made similar comments when visiting me, so I knew it was an issue for him. Anyway, we got engaged on that visit. When I got back, the next night was my cousin's BFF's birthday and they wanted to go out in their town. Well, once we got out, they changed their minds and wanted to go to our regular place in the city. I had told AH that we were going to the original place. He called me while we were out, and I told him we were in Place A, not in Place B. I lied. I lied because I didn't want to make him jealous/upset for no reason, and I was an insecure girl who was afraid of upsetting her boyfriend/fiance. It was silly - I should have told the truth. I had nothing to hide, and I absolutely was not cheating on him. He found out about that, and to this DAY resents me for lying to him and questions my loyalty.

The other thing that happened was two months after we started talking, I went to NY with my sister and cousin. We went for fun and to sightsee. My sister and cousin ended up meeting up with a couple of guys my sister knew from back home. They all went to a party together. I didn't. When AH found out they had met up with those guys, he accused me of knowing that was the purpose of the trip and lying about it.

Those two things - he has harped on them since we got married, and uses them against me whenever he can. Nevermind all he has put me through since day one - the drinking, humiliation, instability, etc. He STILL resents me for those stupid little lies. He has given me all the reasons in the world to cheat and I never have, but he's going to sit there and tell me he could never live with me again because of my lies and my control issues? Am I crazy here? This isn't normal, is it. I don't even get it, because he hasn't acted jealous or controlling since we got married, but he is obsessed with my "lies" at the beginning and thinks I've been loyal since, but I got in one last "hurrah" before we married. I'm sitting here upset feeling like I somehow doomed our marriage and none of this would have happened and our boys would have an unbroken family if not for me.

biminiblue

Oh for Pete's sake. How many lies did he tell you?

He wants something - anything - to hold over you. That's nuts. He didn't have to marry you if your lie was sooooooo soul-destroying. That's ridiculous.

If you think there is a chance, why not get into couples counseling? It doesn't sound like you've made a concrete decision. You can see him in a dating atmosphere without living together, too.

If you have made the decision, file.

It isn't up to him, ya know?

LexieCat

He may just be thinking about things that might have signaled, from the beginning, that this wasn't a good match. It doesn't mean it's true or accurate.

It seems to me like you both feel now that the best thing to do is to move on, and that's OK. It doesn't matter what he thinks about how/why it ended, as far as YOU are concerned. I think we all have a tendency to try to work back and figure out what we might have missed in the beginning, and to think maybe if this or that had been different maybe things would have turned out differently.

I wouldn't argue the point with him. You don't have to prove anything or justify anything, and it will just make you both feel angry, frustrated, and misunderstood. One thing I've found helpful to say in those situations is, "Sorry you feel that way. We'll have to agree to disagree, but it's in the past now, and we need to focus on how to cooperate as parents."

amberly

Emmy it sounds like he is reaching for whatever straws he can grasp to try to make you at least as equally at fault, when in fact he only has himself to blame for his shortcomings. I find that when people try to pick at little things or things that far in the past, they are really just trying to pick a fight or make me lose my cool so they can feel better about themselves. If he is really so bothered by those things and really believes that HE couldn't live with YOU, why even bother to bring any of it up? Why not just let it go- if he really believed what he was saying that is? What if you just said "well heck, you're right. We can't live together again, so why not plan to do _____" (whatever it is that you need to make final)?

SparkleKitty

Emmy, hugs. Things don't change with him, do they?

If you're still feeling confused, please stop putting the pressure on to "finalize" things and "move on". It's okay to not be ready for that. But in the meantime...

...conversations like these keep you stuck. He's dredging up ancient history (which, frankly, I can't even figure what it is you are supposed to have done wrong) and you are still buying it hook, line, and sinker so that everything is your fault, and you believe you don't deserve a real relationship, real affection, or a real partner.

You need time and as much distance as you can get. Avoid any conversation that doesn't have to do with parenting. Give yourself the gift of a little perspective and your own point of view unclouded by his deflections. You deserve it. When you are really ready to finalize things and move on you will know, and there won't need to be discussions about it. But you'll have a devil of a time getting there if you keep yourself all wrapped up in his version of what went wrong between you. If there is anything he has shown you it is that he is completely unwilling to admit any wrongdoing. You don't have to back him up on that, hon.

EmmyG

Yes, it would probably be best just to move on. It has been SO hard for me to reach the point of actually filing for divorce. The way I was raised - divorce is almost always avoidable. I feel like a failure. We've gone over these issues for YEARS. He says that's why he hasn't been affectionate toward me for a long time - he just resents me too much. It feels like the ultimate rejection when I've stuck by him through so much. It's just so immature and it's not love and I know I deserve better. I do feel guilty for lying but I would think knownig me, he would understand.

knowthetriggers

Hi Emmy - sorry you are feeling this way but he is manipulating you and your feelings. From an outsider looking in, he is playing his cards very well and seems to have control over your feelings. Personally I would not waste one more second of my energy thinking about him. He is going the suck the life right out of you.

I would also suggest an Alanon meeting.

SparkleKitty

Emmy please go back and read posts you wrote before you left him. Please show me the "failure".

ladyscribbler

Those two things - he has harped on them since we got married, and uses them against me whenever he can. Nevermind all he has put me through since day one - the drinking, humiliation, instability, etc. He STILL resents me for those stupid little lies. He has given me all the reasons in the world to cheat and I never have, but he's going to sit there and tell me he could never live with me again because of my lies and my control issues? Am I crazy here? This isn't normal, is it.

No, it's not. Sounds like he is projecting his issues onto you. Three months sober is not a lot of time, plus he had mental health issues (wasn't it a lesion on his frontal lobe?) that are not going to just go away because he's not drinking now. His brain issues might account for a lot of this paranoia and suspicion. That is a common symptom of injuries to that area of the brain.
It actually sounds like very little has changed except he is not drinking right now and is slightly more present in your children's lives.
You don't have to decide anything right now. It sounds like things are working for now. Maybe you could pull the focus away from your relationship with him and only interact with him as it involves your kids. Nothing is going to be resolved by you guys fighting about the same things you've been fighting about for the past decade.

FindingMe2

I once had a controlling, jealous alcoholic bf. I would tell lies to avoid conflict. I told him I came home at 12 when I really came home at 1:00. I would later feel guilty and "confess" the truth. Then I was the worst person in the world and obviously lied for a reason. I had nothing to hide though, I just reacted poorly to his insecurities.

My "sins" didn't compare to his, but he kept the focus on me. Looking back, I can see how ridiculous and manipulative this all was but at the time, I was so confused.

This was without a doubt the most unhealthy relationship I was ever in. That said, I continued on with unhealthy relationships my whole life because I never did the hard work on fixing me.

I hope you make wiser and healthier choices then I did.

dandylion

EMMY....I do agree that this is screwed up thinking.

You might want to remind him that this is 2015---not 1915 or 1815!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

FireSprite

I remember you posting about this before. I honestly think that he's NEVER going to forgive or "let go" of this twisted memory, for whatever reason. WHY it's so important to him? No clue, don't care, 'cuz I'll lose trying to fight shadows with logic between his addiction & health issues if I waste my time trying to figure it out.

But YOU can let go of it Emmy, you CAN stop letting him twist you up by bringing ancient history up every. single. dang. time. he reaches to find fault with you. After all the years & all the situations you have lived through, after mothering 2 small boys.... THAT's what he keeps harping & bringing up to point out your flaws. That's ALL he's got?


Then you must be doing pretty. damn. good.

hopeful4

It's still the same classic manipulation. The same trying to lessen his faults and manipulate you into thinking you did some horrible thing, which you did not. He needs serious help. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

I am glad you and your kids are doing well. It's good to hear from you!
XXX

NYCDoglvr

I agree with the above ... try to avoid personal conversations, they're irrelevant, aren't they? You don't want him to live rent-free in your head, to stay stuck. Try not to analyze things from the past, all that matters is where you are today. Sounds like you're still hanging on by even entertaining this old stuff. I recommend Alanon, which helped me get unstuck and able to move on with my life. A big hug.

Seren

Hi Emmy,

I'm sorry you are feeling so stuck. I hope you will re-read some of your old threads here. Perhaps that will bring you some clarity.

I hope, too, that you will remember that he put his hands around your neck and threatened to break your windpipe.

Has he done anything during this time to change his behavior, to show that he really wants to change? It sound like he wants to hold power and control over you forever--it sounds like it is working.

You deserve so much more, Emmy.

FindingMe2

Emmy, most of us can't have clarity until we have some distance. Doesn't sound like you have had any which is keeping you confused. Abusers know us better then we know ourselves. I am not sure how they do it. but I know they do. He knows what gets to you. Take your power back. You know he is bring manipulative. Deep down, you know the truth about him. But you don't want to believe it. Believing it kills the hope we have!! Trust me, I get it!! When they are good, they are good. When they are bad, they are bad. Staying focused on the bad helped me get through the fantasy thinking that kept me stuck.

maybear

Hi, I don't think you need to rush into the divorce just yet if you aren't ready. You will get there eventually if that's the road you both go down. Sometimes it just takes time to be ready, even though you might know that's where it will end up.

Do you think you might have been feeling ok about everything and pretty confident in yourself and then he knocked your ego a bit when HE expressed that he might not want the marriage. If that is the case then you might just be a little rattled and your self esteem given a bit of a kick. After all, he is the one with the alcohol problem and I am assuming, has put you through much more than he has put you through. It's normal for that to hurt.

Maybe him dredging up the past is like an excuse for him... That way he takes no responsibility for the drinking or the marriage. It might be an easy way out for him, to blame you. In that case, it just shows that he hasn't grown much in the time you've been apart and if he doesn't want to work on the marriage, you have saved yourself a lot of pain by hearing him admit that from the start (he didn't in so many words, I know but sounds like it).

You know, we all have our issues. You don't have to be perfect to deserve a happy relationship.
Don't blame yourself.

Fandy

think about 10 years from now..where do you EXPECT to be? the kids will be 10 years older, husband will be 10 years more abusive and back sliding, 10 years drunker, never seeking real help for his brain aneurysm or whatever he has, unless it pops.

what will this get YOU?? just 10 years older stuck in the same spot....wouldn't you rather cut this off now and get to healing? YOU have the power, but you don't want to use it?

time will pass and your issues with this man remain the same, HE gets all the attention and you worry about it. are you OK with this? do you value your own life? what do YOU want? our kids are important but you need to have your own life...

he is stuck and happy to stick you with his own muck. maybe he will try to choke you again when he is drunk or upset about something?

Seren

How are you feeling today, Emmy?

Duckygirl1

He's grasping for straws and trying to deflect some of his own guilt. Funny how he's concerned that you will always wonder about him when he walks in the door, but can't let go of something that happened when you were 24! Really? Maybe he thinks you can't let go of things because he can't. Total projecting. You're waaaaaay too young to waste another second on this man-child. Remember, abstinence isn't sobriety. Projecting is dry drunk behavior. Find the love and peace you're worthy of.