Brave

Hey everyone!

It's been a while since I posted/ updated. I'm doing pretty good overall I think! Divorce has been final since October, I've been really busy with teaching and waitressing, and I've never been healthier. I've gotten into strength training & running, spending a lot of time at the gym which I really like a lot. I'm spending a lot of time with family and friends too.

XH and I don't talk much. I did see him around the holidays and we've talked once or twice since then. I don't know if he's drinking again, he looks unhealthy lately and some signs point to yes but I'm keeping my nose out of it. His DWI is getting dragged out in the courts, I don't know how much longer it will be. Mostly the media about it has been quiet though at least.

Once our divorce was final, I started putting myself out there a bit to date again....I've dated casually, about 5 guys in the last 6 months or so. Nothing with any lasting potential so far. Right now though I'm not seeing anyone.

I guess that I've just felt sad lately. Like this pervasive, low level of constant sadness that I can't shake. No one knows it; I keep a happy face on most of the time. It's just when I'm by myself that I really have to acknowledge it's there.

Is this normal? Has anyone else felt this way before? Any advice on how to shake it? It hits me most when I'm alone. Maybe I'm just lonely.

SparkleKitty

It seems like it would be very natural for you to be grieving the loss of your marriage and all the hopes and dreams you had for it once. Just because it was the right thing to do, it doesn't mean you aren't going to grieve the loss and be sad sometimes.

I was on my own for a long time after my first marriage ended. It was the first time I'd lived alone, the first time I'd been out of a relationship, and I felt the way you describe a lot for the first year or so. It passed as I got more comfortable with myself. You've never really struck me as someone with self-esteem issues, though!

If you are really worried about it, though, it can't hurt to see a counselor or therapist if you don't already. Sometimes you need a trusted external perspective to see what's going on in your own life.

Tideskipper

I doubled posted my post below some how, so edited this one to say this, sorry.

Tideskipper

Something I wish I done when I had those feelings of being alone or just being bored. I would of liked to go people watching at the park or a mall. Have a nice cup of coffee. I lived alone for 3 years and it was enough to drive me back into bars and drinking alone. The job I had transferred me from my home state to K.C. I was very home sick, being it my first time ever leaving Michigan at all. Relationships is not my thing at the time, that never helps...Those alone feelings need to be filled or they will feel themselves with bad ideals, better you do it willingly with positive motivation.

Butterfly

Hi brave, yes I know how you feel. For me I feel that I walk about all day with a mask on anyone looking at me would think I was doing good but inside I'm dying. When I get home and I'm not with my kids I get to take the mask off and feel how I'm feeling. It's normal that your feeling this way you lived with an A and your recently divorced of course you will feel sad. You sound very busy and I may be wrong and apologies if iam but could it be that you haven't processed your divorce yet and you've started dating before you have fully healed from the trauma of being married to an A.

Take some time for you each day to sit with your feelings, acknowledge them, understand them and try not to dwell too long do something nice for yourself so your not dwelling.

((((Hugs))))

LifeRecovery

It mimics my experience pretty well.

I started to get better when I started to talk about it with friends, counselors, on SR at Al-Anon etc.

I found out I am truly only as sick as my secrets.....

Bigger for me though was talking about it normalized the experience for me....I found out I was NOT alone in these feelings. I also was NOT alone in trying to cover them up and put on a happy face.

Congrats on getting real....I found it necessary to have real growth.

amberly

Brave, You sound like you are very brave. Loneliness can suck- but how did you feel when you were with him and he was drinking? I feel lonely without my AH around, but I still never feel as alone as I did when he was here and drunk.

The gym sounds like a great fix- you are an inspiration.

I've started volunteering with a few groups to try to keep me focused on the healthy and happy goals.

Brave

Thanks everyone, you gave me a lot to think about.... I wonder if it is a mourning thing. I thought I was over the majority of the sadness, but I guess not. Could just be another step in the healing process.

About the dating thing... I'm not really sure if I'm ready for a real relationship yet, I guess I'll know if/when I meet someone who is real relationship material. I feel like I'm trying to do the right things, healing things (at least for the most part) but that sure doesn't erase this sadness. It's good to know that you guys have felt the same way. This too shall pass, I hope?

amberly

I was thinking along the same lines- about the mourning. That is exactly how I feel. Not throw down, kick a rock, break a dish and sob kind of sad. Just sad smile- bitter-sweet memory kind of sad. Sometimes I feel like I am mourning what could have been and not the reality though.

hopeful4

Honey, keep looking at the big overall picture. You are doing great. It just takes time, sometimes more than what we would like. Keep moving forward and doing what makes you happy!

XXX

ghost99

Hi Brave. Your post really rang true to me. Going through same experience/same timeframe (divorced about a year) and if I had an answer I would tell you. Like you, I wish I knew why I was sad. I didn't expect this but have accepted the fact and am confident that things will get better.

Brave

Thanks hopeful4, I appreciate it! One step at a time, no looking back :-)

Amberly & SparkleKitty---that's how I feel. Like I'm mourning the marriage I always was hoping for, but never really had. It's not like crying/sobbing sad, its more a constant dull heartache.

Tide, thanks so much for the ideas. I'm in a really walkable neighborhood, so I'm going to do that for sure (if this winter ever ends, especially!)

Butterfly, it does feel like a mask. I think thats why its hitting me when I'm alone

LifeRecovery--- I am going to talk to people about it, thank you. I've been guarding my sadness like a dirty little secret. Maybe its because I'm supposed to be the strong, happy sunshine type, it's who I've always been.

LifeRecovery

I was years out from the experience that I had tried to put a happy face on (and it actuality thought I was handling okay). I was kind of stuck in it though and struggling to move forward. I was not unhappy, but I was not truly happy.

I had a very good friend say to me how worried she was about me because I never got really mad about the situation (any emotion could have been substituted).

Once I let myself have some emotion around it (and share it) I felt yucky short term, but I started to actually move forward. I found my divorce is actually what I needed to start feeling (because I had been putting on a happy face my whole life). I am a much more real, grounded and sincere person now....and my life is much easier because I don't try to cover up and make it all okay.

I don't know if you have a similar life experience but I think many of us on this side do.

Brave

LifeRecovery--- yeah.... wow. I just read your post about 5 times because it resonates so much. I'm the same way; I feel like I've always been the "put on a smile, suck it up, you'll be fine" type.

My mom is about the only person who is able to see through my happy face. She's mentioned it on and off since Christmas, other than that everyone just says how well I'm handling everything.

LifeRecovery

I have become much less lonely since I have started to allow my "happy" face to drop.

The world has not caved in.....the sky has not dropped and I am more at peace (even when I don't feel happy).

It also was an opportunity to learn that I was loved for more than just being the "nice" girl. That was really important to me.

I did this slowly and safely with people I loved and trusted first....but it has since become a way of life. It is not perfect, but for me I was being really fake before and this is more geniune and real.

I am not sure if my ex with the challenges around alcohol would have been able to handle me this way.....I am not grateful for his drinking, but I am grateful that I was forced to look at this stuff.

SadInTX

You are an inspiration...at least to me...I am fairly new here...have AH...at least you are not lonely and still living in your situation...I think sometimes that is one reason deep down that I stay for now...scared of being alone...I know it sounds pathetic but I am being honest. At least I know what I need to work on....thank you for posting..it sounds like what you are going through is very normal...exercising is great. I just started walking/jogging again.

LifeRecovery

Hey Brave-

Have you seen the thread started by Spalding

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-feelings.html

This article says it much better then I could.

Brave

Thanks for the article LifeRecovery.... it was definitely a good read.

So far I've talked to my mom, two close friends, and of course you guys about it. Its been really good to get some perspective from other people, and definitely helped make it not so 'huge' to me. And I know it won't last forever, just have to let myself feel it and work through it, even though it's not the most pleasant thing.

Last 2 days it hasn't been so bad, so I'm glad I'm getting a little break from the constant heavy sadness. Thanks everyone ♥♥♥

firebolt

Sending you positivity. Hey - the 100happydays.com thing has really helped me with my mood. Life just gets so heavy sometimes, and it helps me remember the gratitude I do have. Its forcing me to fake it til I make it

MrsVain

i totally get what you are saying. i have been moving on in my life after my divorce was final last march 2014. it is not so much that i am stunned or in shock. it wasnt not what i wanted in my life at age 47. but it is what it is. for the most part my boys and i have been doing fine.

but like you, some days i am overwhelmed with sadness. and i cant figure out why. i can actually see and feel how much better our lives are without his craziness around. i can actually focus on other things that need to be done and not just paralyzed by his hurtful, selfish behaviors. i keep busy at work and then go home and find something to keep me busy at home. recently i have been cleaning up all the little messes that he left behind, in the house, in the yard, and in the garage.

i just cant shake the sadness thou. everyone else thinks that i am great, doing wonder, and have moved on nicely. but when the boys are in bed or i have a slow moment at work. it will hit me. I have accepted that i have an emptiness from his betrayal that will most likely never be fixed. i also grieve what "could have been". we were doing good, i have no idea when he gave up on our marriage and his struggle with alcohol. but it makes me very very sad that he did.

i have come to think of it like i do about my daughters death (elhers danalos). i loved her very much, she was my first born, we grew up together and we were very very close. she is gone now, left way to soon and is not coming back. i have an emptiness in my life, my mind and in my heart where she used to be, no person, object or thought will fill it or replace it. i have accepted that it is there and continue to carry on to the best of my ability without her. i now think of my marriage and my AX that way. even thou he is still alive, still somewhat functional....giving, sharing and doing things for some other mans wife that he should have been doing for his own, supporting and just being there for some others mans children that he should be doing for his own. his bad decisions and choices has left an emptiness inside me where my "happy" marriage and "loving" husband was. i have accepted it being there. And continue to do what i need to do to get thru the day. my boys are my life. they make me smile. i work hard to give them what they need and i make sure i get all the hugs and kisses i can get. Life is has things in it that are still good.

good luck to you.