jarp

I'm so angry with myself right now, numb, shaky, scared, frustrated.

AH (you'll notice the 'R' is missing) has been working up to a relapse and I believe that is what is happening now.

He had a couple of beers a couple of weeks ago, and today I get the text 'I've had a drink!'. I get home, he's clearly had a few. But he's been building up to this for a while now, as I'm sure some of you have been able to tell from my posts.

So what the HELL is wrong with me. My 'boundary' haha is to not live with an active alcoholic. But he's upstairs asleep.

Why can't I believe this is happening and enforce my own bloody boundary? What's wrong with me?

Seriously me, look at the facts. He's an alcoholic. He's got borderline personality disorder. He's unemployed after losing his job to alcoholism, and hasn't even looked for a new job because he's 'not ready' and 'wants to get more comfortable in his sobriety'. He's slowly become less responsible at home. He's silent and hostile towards me (this is the last few weeks). Unpleasant. Although he does do kid runs, whilst they are at school he does nothing except sit on the couch and watch tv. Has completely isolated himself from friends and family bc he doesn't know how to interact with others without alcohol.

We had a three month interlude post rehab where things were going so well. He's been attending outpatient, hasn't missed a session. Been doing MC. Been seeing his psych. Takes his meds (antipsychotics). But he's been getting worse behaviourally. He just can't figure out how to live without alcohol.

But back to me....what a prize hey? What the hell am I hanging on for? Really? What is keeping me stuck....I just don't get it. I coped when he was out of the house for 3 months on his suicide bender...although my mind was still wrapped up in him. Which was hard not to do when I was getting calls for on the hospital that he'd been admitted yet again after yet another suicide/ self harm episode. He's the father of my lovely, miracle kid. My heart breaks for my child.

What is it? I've had endless counselling. I know I have abondonment issues. I know where my Codependant behaviour comes from. What's the hook though? Why can't I let go? Fear of short term pain? Fear of facing my child's pain (he adores his dad and I've just seen him starting to relax - seen him start to believe his dad is 'back'). So now his dad abandons him again??

How much more does this man put me through before I get it through my gigantic ally thick head that enough is enough? FAR OUT I just want to scream at myself.

I'm educated, outspoken, have a good career, am confident 'looking'....on the outside. On the inside I feel like such a failure. Two marriages. Caput.

I don't know what I want here. I'm just ranting at myself. We have a joint counselling session tomorrow morning. I need to find my spine by then. I HAVE to do the right thing.

I've just realised my boundaries were really just manipulation. That this would force him to get treatment. And he did. So my belief in my manipulation were reinforced in packaging that hid my impure intentions. But this time there's no manipulation option. There will be no going back if he leaves again/ I make him leave.

Breath, breath.

maybear

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hear a lot of similarities in your husband and mine, and just your situation generally.

Do you think fear is the thing that's keeping you there? I noticed you mentioned two marriages... Are you scared of 'failing' and what people will think? Perhaps blame you?

I have that irrational fear. It doesn't matter what people think, and really, they probably don't care that much anyway. You will always know the truth.

fluffyflea

I have nothing really to add Jarp except I apparently don't enforce my boundaries very well either......

Don't beat yourself up.

jarp

I'm just so mad. I never should have let him come back. Six and a half months sobriety for nothing. I know relapse can be part of it, I've been told it's what he DOES with the relapse that is important, but as his psych has said, he's stopped living, so I can't see him picking himself up from this.

All that pain of him leaving, walking out, packing up, dealing with the kids pain, and now we've got to go through it all again. And that's down to me. That's my fault.

ETA two marriages....meaning this is my second. As much as I hate to admit it, what others think probably is a part of it....as in having people, think...what's wrong with her, she can't keep a marriage, failing twice. I've realised how judgemental I am. I keep thinking... I have three kids to two different fathers, neither of whom I could keep a relationship with. That I must be a nightmare that neither of my husbands wanted to be with me.

ETA x 2 I know it's none of my business what others think, it's me judging myself.

FeelingGreat

Hey Jarp, try to get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow's another day, a day where you can be strong and resolute.

Or if you can't sleep, make a list of his stuff which needs to be packed when he leaves. He's got to go.

Refiner

I think you hit on something there about you possibly manipulating him into rehab. Sounds to me he's trying to go through the motions but is personally not embracing or owning recovery. He's really just white knuckling it. He doesn't even have enough self-respect to get another job. Perhaps you should ask him to move out and work on himself for at least a year without being in your house then you see what happens? Actions, not words.

maybear

Would you feel the same if you didn't have the certificate (of marriage)?

Loads of people have various multiple relationships over their lifetime, many of which don't work out. Once you seal one legally though and get a certificate all of a sudden it's different...
Try and remember (I'm going to do the same!) that it is a relationship (marriage or not) and it is causing you a lot of pain - that is the main thing. I am trying to take the focus off of the whole 'but it's a marriage' guilt trip that I often give myself, and just focus on what is really in front of me. I think once we work on self esteem, some of that self judgement will dissipate.

We all deserve happiness (whether you've had one or one hundred marriages!), we just need to choose it.

jarp

Yes I know....and my kids deserve happiness.

I'm just trying to work out what that means for my son. I know I can't protect him...but I want to. He's only 6. It's going to be hard for him seeing his sisters dad in their lives...and his dad won't be in his.

LexieCat

Divorced parents can still be in their children's lives. My kids lived with their dad, I was very involved (as much as I could be, living across the country). How involved he is will depend on whether he cleans up his act for good. He may very well, but you don't have to hang around waiting for it.

You haven't failed to enforce your boundary (yet). He's crossed it, but I don't think your boundary calls for you to kick him out the second he picks up a drink.

Sticking with a bad marriage for the sake of not being divorced a second time would be poor reasoning. It's like throwing good money after bad.

I'm sorry you're facing all of this again. Don't beat yourself up for giving him a chance. You might have NEEDED to do that to satisfy yourself that he's had every opportunity to recover. You've done that.

Take some time to process this and plan your next move. I believe you've already talked to a lawyer, right?

jarp

I know my reasoning is poor. Im stuck. I think the only thing that will unstick me is action. I just want to make sure I take the right action....but unless a crystal ball materialises I am never going to know that, am I?

Yes I've talked to a lawyer. I want to make sure my son isn't left at risk with his dad. She got me to gather 'evidence' - I had pics, recordings, bank statements showing alcohol purchases, and we've got AH's medical records. I need to go back to see her to see if this stuff is effective given its 10 months old now (I have nothing from when he was out of the house.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't pursue anything legally anyway. It would be more me making sure I had the right orders from preventing him from showing up and trying to take our son from school.

I would never stand in the way of a child's relationship with their father...as evidenced by the 65/35 split I share with my ex and our daughters. But the difference is I know they are not as risk with him. I can't say the same in this case obviously.

I know AH will go down the rabbit hole. I know I can't stop this, I'm just delaying his inevitable.

It's just been so good having someone else help with the kids given my awful demanding job. Now I can't do that...so much pressure.

jarp

Ha Lexie I didn't realise we shared the same quote on our signatures!!!

dandylion

jarp....I can understand where your angst is coming from....of course, you want to protect your child. This is a first instinct of all caring mothers (fathers).
And, I think that most all of us entered marriage with the ideal that we wanted to live...a stable and contented family life without abruption--and we then dedicate ourselves to that
end. Giving all that we have to that end.

The sticky wicket, in this, is that, in life--things over which we have no control do happen...things that we could not have foreseen in the early days of our dreams.
We all live in a difficult, and, sometimes--unpredictable world.
We also have to face what life presents to us....what other option is there..?...lol.

I believe that the fact is this: Keeping a child in a heavily conflicted and tumultuous marriage does not protect the child. Children take their security from being in a loving and predictably safe environment and they tend to see it in 24/hr segments.

Working to build a happy and secure home is different than fighting to preserve a non-workable or fractured relationship.
You are not trying to remove his father from his life.
When your son is an adult--he will have to deal with the fact that his father has an illness....you will just have to help him cope with this unavoidable fact as you prepare him for adulthood.

You are not a failure...you certainly would not be the first person to have 2 divorces--I think that maybear's post speaks to this quite skillfully. There are millions around the globe who have had this happen---caring, loving, respectable and highly functioning people. Stuff happens in this life.

Try to not burden yourself with severe self-judgements. I think that you will be able to do so as you go forward. I believe this comes under the broad category of "aCCEPTANCE". It takes a little time.

dandylion

LexieCat

LOL, me, either! I ran across it online somewhere a couple of months ago, and I just loved it, so I added it to mine.

You know what they say, great minds think alike!

You'll be OK. You're feeling understandably overwhelmed right now. There is no race here, and nobody is going to judge you for taking the time to do things the right way.

Have you discussed a divorce with him? Is it possible you can agree to provisions that will keep your son safe? Something in the parenting time order specifying that only you are permitted to pick your son up from school would seem to be sufficient to prevent him from doing it. You simply provide that to the school and they would not let anyone else pick him up without your permission.

Hawkeye13

I'm so sorry Jarp--you really have done everything you could to help him.

Protecting yourself and your child from an ugly relapse seems like the wise thing to do at this point.

Hugs

amberly

Oh- if I had a dollar for every time I heard this it wouldn't actually matter if my AH worked because I would be rolling in the green. Trust me, you are not the only one who has heard this and done nothing and then wondered "what the heck am I doing?". For me, the twisted part is that the more time he sits around without working and the less employable he becomes, the more guilty I feel about thinking about leaving him. I don't know why we put ourselves through this. Hang in there.

Sending warm thoughts and wishes your way.

knowthetriggers

Why can't I believe this is happening and enforce my own bloody boundary? What's wrong with me?

Oh Jarp - tight hugs! I see nothing wrong with you. You love him, it is that simple. You are in a difficult enough situation so try not to be so hard on yourself.

I really hate this disease and what it does to our loved ones.

Sending you strength and support friend.

lillamy

So he was upstairs sleeping. Today you can kick him out. Just because you didn't enforce your boundary last night doesn't mean you can't do it today.

If, as you say, "relapse is part of recovery", you'll be doing him a favor. And regardless of that, you'll be doing YOURSELF a favor. And the kids. Trust me on that one.

hopeful4

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. It's so hard, I know it is. Thing is, with the meds he is taking, mixing w/alcohol is a disaster waiting to happen.

Tight, very tight, hugs to you.

FireSprite

I'm so sorry to read this Jarp. I've got nothing but ((((((((hugs))))))); it sounds like you have your eyes pretty wide open about everything going on.

It's a amazing how different something feels when it's happening vs. how you think it will when you are trying to set those boundaries around it to begin with. It's generally much more subdued than we expect, without the big fireworks display & earth-shattering events.

It sounds like he's been "throwing pillows ahead" for quite some time to lay the groundwork for the relapse, which makes me think of the frog in the pot of hot water analogy. I'll bet with the temperature raising a degree or 2 at a time, the relapse felt insubstantial.

happybeingme

Jarp, I am so sorry. This is absolutely not your fault. With a BPD diagnosis your husband's prognosis was poor at best. Add the alcohol and forget about it.

As far as failing at two marriages. Jeez at least you married your baby daddies. Multiple fathers is quite common. At least in the U.S..

Take care of yourself and the kids. It could be dangerous having him in the house.