How will he EVER hit bottom?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Black Creek, WI
Posts: 11
How will he EVER hit bottom?
Hi I am new here, Melanie (36), married to Mike (soon to be 40) for 10 yrs in Oct. with three kids. Tony, from my first marriage (15), Ethan (10) and Cecelia Adeline (5). We live in a very small town of 1200, just bought our first house and attend a very small Baptist Church. Mike works 10-12 hours a day and has only missed one day of work in the last 2 years and that was due to my illness. He is extremely responsible when it comes to working, providing and paying the bills. I dont work other than babysitting just for some extra money. We have two cars that are payed off. We attend Sunday School and Church on Sunday and he helps on Saturday mornings if needed. He is fair and firm but generous and loving to the kids. He is loving, kind and caring towards me. Very interested in my needs being met in all areas.
So your probably all wondering what the heck I am doing here with a husband like that? Well that is only half my husband. The other half is an alcoholic. Yes he pays all the bills but any left over goes to beer so we are never ahead, or he will dip into savings, or even charge it if necessary. Yes he goes to Church but only if I dont say anything about his being drunk or how he talked to me Saturday night then he stays home to get back at me or he comes home and is stumbling by 5-6pm and usually passed out by 7 at the latest. He is a strange animal when drunk. I never know if he is going to be a clingy sloppy drunk or a mean nasty drunk. Sometimes if I ask if he will do something for me its ok sometimes I get yelled at, swore at or worse yet he just stares into space and ignores me. My problem is that he doesnt really do anything that requires covering. People at Church know he is an alcoholic, I refuse to lie and he has told me not to. He said that if anyone asks tell them to talk to him about it, or if they ask where he is tell them the truth. The kids are told that Daddy has an addiction and we are to pray for him that God will help him get better and they have been told why they are to not drink and what it can do to them.
So what do I do? He is a fully functioning alcoholic which actually makes it near impossible for him to face any consequences because in his mind he works, pays the bills, bought us a house, goes to Church....is he right, am I insane for wanting a sober husband?
There was one time that I really thought he would hit bottom, he lost his job that he had for 5 years. He was out of work for a year because his drinking became a 24 hour thing. He fell over our daughter who was 3 at the time at 11 am and even became violent once. His Dad came over and when Mike refused to leave I did with the kids. I stayed with his parents but of course like an idiot I believed him when he quit and said he was done....yea right...
I just dont know how to deal with this. I almost wish at times he would get fired or something, although that is scary as hell because we would lose the house but it just seems he is being protected by some divine intervention and its frustrating me. Just when he was on the edge he got another job or someone helped with rent or like now he never even gets to the edge.
So how do I help someone like this?
Melanie
So your probably all wondering what the heck I am doing here with a husband like that? Well that is only half my husband. The other half is an alcoholic. Yes he pays all the bills but any left over goes to beer so we are never ahead, or he will dip into savings, or even charge it if necessary. Yes he goes to Church but only if I dont say anything about his being drunk or how he talked to me Saturday night then he stays home to get back at me or he comes home and is stumbling by 5-6pm and usually passed out by 7 at the latest. He is a strange animal when drunk. I never know if he is going to be a clingy sloppy drunk or a mean nasty drunk. Sometimes if I ask if he will do something for me its ok sometimes I get yelled at, swore at or worse yet he just stares into space and ignores me. My problem is that he doesnt really do anything that requires covering. People at Church know he is an alcoholic, I refuse to lie and he has told me not to. He said that if anyone asks tell them to talk to him about it, or if they ask where he is tell them the truth. The kids are told that Daddy has an addiction and we are to pray for him that God will help him get better and they have been told why they are to not drink and what it can do to them.
So what do I do? He is a fully functioning alcoholic which actually makes it near impossible for him to face any consequences because in his mind he works, pays the bills, bought us a house, goes to Church....is he right, am I insane for wanting a sober husband?
There was one time that I really thought he would hit bottom, he lost his job that he had for 5 years. He was out of work for a year because his drinking became a 24 hour thing. He fell over our daughter who was 3 at the time at 11 am and even became violent once. His Dad came over and when Mike refused to leave I did with the kids. I stayed with his parents but of course like an idiot I believed him when he quit and said he was done....yea right...
I just dont know how to deal with this. I almost wish at times he would get fired or something, although that is scary as hell because we would lose the house but it just seems he is being protected by some divine intervention and its frustrating me. Just when he was on the edge he got another job or someone helped with rent or like now he never even gets to the edge.
So how do I help someone like this?
Melanie
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Dizzy-
Welcome! I want to encourage you to go to alanon meetings. I know it will help you cope and help you find solutions to your problems. Alalnon helps us learn what we are doing that contributes to our problems so we can change our own behaviors.
It would be hard to say what will bring him to his bottom everyone is different some people have lower bottoms than others. The more important question is have you reached your bottom? Are you willing to look at yourself and get the help alanon offers? Keep posting here too because often we find our solutions in our on post and in the replies we get. We mirror to one another and help eachother see ourselves.take care of you ok and you will be helping him ok!!
Welcome! I want to encourage you to go to alanon meetings. I know it will help you cope and help you find solutions to your problems. Alalnon helps us learn what we are doing that contributes to our problems so we can change our own behaviors.
It would be hard to say what will bring him to his bottom everyone is different some people have lower bottoms than others. The more important question is have you reached your bottom? Are you willing to look at yourself and get the help alanon offers? Keep posting here too because often we find our solutions in our on post and in the replies we get. We mirror to one another and help eachother see ourselves.take care of you ok and you will be helping him ok!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Black Creek, WI
Posts: 11
Thanks but I dont want to look at myself because if I do I am afraid the only solution is to leave. If he wont change and I cant live like this what option does that leave? Then that begs the question do I really want to take the kids out of the family because of my needs when theirs are being met here?
This sucks
Melanie
This sucks
Melanie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Dizzy -
I want to add my welcome to SR. Everyone is right. There is really no way to help him to see the light and you may be waiting for him to hit bottom for the rest of your life. You can help yourself though and this is a great place to start.
Keep reading and posting. Check out the power posts at the top of the forum.
I'm glad you're here.
L
I want to add my welcome to SR. Everyone is right. There is really no way to help him to see the light and you may be waiting for him to hit bottom for the rest of your life. You can help yourself though and this is a great place to start.
Keep reading and posting. Check out the power posts at the top of the forum.
I'm glad you're here.
L
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Melanie -
There are lots of options other than leaving and living the way you are now. I know when I came here I was desperate. I thought that I could continue to live in hell or leave him. I knew I couldn't leave him.
There is another path to take. It's sometimes hard but well worth it. There are lots of people on this board that are still living with their alcoholic husbands and still have a great life.
Stick around -
L
There are lots of options other than leaving and living the way you are now. I know when I came here I was desperate. I thought that I could continue to live in hell or leave him. I knew I couldn't leave him.
There is another path to take. It's sometimes hard but well worth it. There are lots of people on this board that are still living with their alcoholic husbands and still have a great life.
Stick around -
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Arizona
Posts: 29
Melanie, the people on this site are wonderful. Everyone is right...you cannot help him, he has to help himself. You however can help yourself. NO ONE is going to tell you the solution is to leave. It is just not that simple and most of us here are dealing with similar situations. We can share our experiences and give our opinions, but we cant tell you what to do. Read as much as you can on these posts, and girl, get yourself to an alanon meeting!!!! You will be surprised at once you start reading here and learning about alcoholism and alanon, how much better you will feel about yourself.
Blessings to you, keep coming back here.
Blessings to you, keep coming back here.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi dizzy,
First, my husband is very like yours. Looking at yourself won't necessarily cause you to leave. But it can help you find peace with the decisions you make about your life. Reaching out for support helps us to realize that we don't have to deal with this alone, and that there are people dealing with this and not being sucked down by it.
Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to fix what is wrong with our loved ones. It is sad and scary to watch them self destructing and then deny there is even a problem. The only thing we can do is to learn not to let it takes us down too. Sounds simple, but it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I haven't done it alone. I attend Al-Anon, I have a therapist, and I come here. It has helped. My life is far from perfect, and I deal with the same issues, but I am a stronger, more serene person with self esteem and self worth today.
It takes time, and some willingness, but we can find peace in the storm. Welcome to SR. I hope it can help you as much as it has helped me. Hugs, Magic
First, my husband is very like yours. Looking at yourself won't necessarily cause you to leave. But it can help you find peace with the decisions you make about your life. Reaching out for support helps us to realize that we don't have to deal with this alone, and that there are people dealing with this and not being sucked down by it.
Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to fix what is wrong with our loved ones. It is sad and scary to watch them self destructing and then deny there is even a problem. The only thing we can do is to learn not to let it takes us down too. Sounds simple, but it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I haven't done it alone. I attend Al-Anon, I have a therapist, and I come here. It has helped. My life is far from perfect, and I deal with the same issues, but I am a stronger, more serene person with self esteem and self worth today.
It takes time, and some willingness, but we can find peace in the storm. Welcome to SR. I hope it can help you as much as it has helped me. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Black Creek, WI
Posts: 11
Thanks everyone, I found an al-anon meeting, the nearest one is 40 min away and boy am I tired (I have FMS as well) but I think I will make myself go crappy looking and all just to not put it off another week.
My real reason for hanging on is that if I let go and dont complain or am happy then he will think everything is ok and not quit. He says that is insulting to him that I think he doesnt think about the problems and isnt tormented by it. Maybe its a pride thing, if I tell him to quit, even nicely, he wont even if he wants to?
Oh well anyway I will see you all again I am sure, I have read some really good stuff already.
Thanks again everyone
Melanie
My real reason for hanging on is that if I let go and dont complain or am happy then he will think everything is ok and not quit. He says that is insulting to him that I think he doesnt think about the problems and isnt tormented by it. Maybe its a pride thing, if I tell him to quit, even nicely, he wont even if he wants to?
Oh well anyway I will see you all again I am sure, I have read some really good stuff already.
Thanks again everyone
Melanie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 80
Hi Melanie!
"is he right, am I insane for wanting a sober husband?" ... Here's what I have figured out from al-anon and SR I Don't have to believe the Hype. My SO told me all kinds of things, he was King of turning turning things around. He would tell me something, I knew in my heart not to be true to get the focus OFF of him and back onto me and what I was/or wasn't doing right.
Here's an amazing step I've taken, I decided to join al-anon and get help for me, by taking the focus off of him, he doesn't feel the need to be defensive, or rationalize his actions. I tell him, these are your decisions for your life and my decisions will be based on making sure I am the person I need to be for me.
Now, this is all new, this communication which doesn't involve me asking, probing or wishing to know what he has been up to so I can't say that it's fixed everything but it has relieved the pressure and the guilt on both sides so far. What the future holds for us, I don't know, but today I am happy with what I have in my life and the person I am. -That is a whole lot more than I could have said 2 months ago.
Keep coming back, it really does work.
Hugs,
Marci
"is he right, am I insane for wanting a sober husband?" ... Here's what I have figured out from al-anon and SR I Don't have to believe the Hype. My SO told me all kinds of things, he was King of turning turning things around. He would tell me something, I knew in my heart not to be true to get the focus OFF of him and back onto me and what I was/or wasn't doing right.
Here's an amazing step I've taken, I decided to join al-anon and get help for me, by taking the focus off of him, he doesn't feel the need to be defensive, or rationalize his actions. I tell him, these are your decisions for your life and my decisions will be based on making sure I am the person I need to be for me.
Now, this is all new, this communication which doesn't involve me asking, probing or wishing to know what he has been up to so I can't say that it's fixed everything but it has relieved the pressure and the guilt on both sides so far. What the future holds for us, I don't know, but today I am happy with what I have in my life and the person I am. -That is a whole lot more than I could have said 2 months ago.
Keep coming back, it really does work.
Hugs,
Marci
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
My real reason for hanging on is that if I let go and dont complain or am happy then he will think everything is ok and not quit.
Step One - We are powerless over alcohol.
We come to understand that no matter what we say or do, it is not in our power to "make" him quit. Continuing to complain and staying unhappy in order to "make" him quit just makes our lives miserable and allows him to turn his problem over to us.
Refusing to let alcohol ruin our life models sane behavior to him. If we continue to allow alcohol to control us, he can continue to believe that alcohol is so powerful that no one can escape it.
L
Step One - We are powerless over alcohol.
We come to understand that no matter what we say or do, it is not in our power to "make" him quit. Continuing to complain and staying unhappy in order to "make" him quit just makes our lives miserable and allows him to turn his problem over to us.
Refusing to let alcohol ruin our life models sane behavior to him. If we continue to allow alcohol to control us, he can continue to believe that alcohol is so powerful that no one can escape it.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Black Creek, WI
Posts: 11
Refusing to let alcohol ruin our life models sane behavior to him. If we continue to allow alcohol to control us, he can continue to believe that alcohol is so powerful that no one can escape it.
________________________________
Wow that is very a very powerful statement. I never thought of it that way but its so right.
And I know I have to let go of trying to control it. I just have to work on the how part. : )
Melanie
________________________________
Wow that is very a very powerful statement. I never thought of it that way but its so right.
And I know I have to let go of trying to control it. I just have to work on the how part. : )
Melanie
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