Hello, SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 19
Hello, SR.
Hi, all.
I'm in a pretty bad way. I've imagined more depths than I can count, including my own death. How much lower can you go, that to be lowered six feet under, after a life spent on nothing, wasted waging an internal emotional war with yourself and your past? I'm not suicidal, I would never commit suicide, but when you're suffering severe depression and almost constant raging anxiety, it's easy to flirt with the idea of no longer being. I'm sure a lot of you can understand.
But, I must be. Wednesday I admitted myself to the emergency room, suffering from withdrawal symptoms-as I had determined to quit-seeking help. Not just for myself, but for my three year old son, whom I have sole custody of after my finance, his mother, abandoned us in June of 14. She left after I completely lost it after I discovered she put concentrated energy drops into his sippy cup to keep him awake, for reasons I still don't comprehend and don't really care about. That's not something you introduce into an underdeveloped circulatory system. In any case, I knew full well what would happen when I submitted, and now my son is temporarily lost to me. Thankfully, he's with my sister and not some random family.
Nevertheless, I'm currently experiencing a kind of a hell I had scarcely imagined. Not having that beautiful smiling face to shine on me, or to hear his laughter, that hand to lead on a walk down to the railroad tracks to watch the passing trains, or to sit with and read Richard Scarey's Busytown books or sing along to our favorite songs in Fraggle Rock.
Up until four weeks ago, I had been holding it all together, if only barely. I work, I cook, I clean, I was working towards college-planning on a masters degree, I had a plan, changed careers, and then I, inadvertently, found that the plan I had to lift us up, and keep us up, move us forward, couldn't be accomplished, due to my past-I crashed, I lost hope, if briefly.
I've had periods of substance abuse. The first was while coping with the illness and eventual deaths of my parents some years back. When it was over and done with, I gave up everything and hit the road with a backpack, and didn't touch a drop for over a year. I just wanted to reset.
The last major period occurred in 2013, when after a big move my finance and I ended up homeless, when she refused to get a job. Because she was holding off for something better, a lingerie boutique. Needless to say, I was a little angry, depressed, and suffocating in anxiety, and so I started self medicating again. Despite being able to put down about 900ml a day of 80 proof vodka, I was able to pull us out of homelessness and into an apartment through a program, and with her eventual help once she decided on a job. I was then prescribed a Librium taper, and walked away from it again, no problems.
Then, we moved back to where we moved from, where it was cheaper to live, and then it was over. She split, and we moved again. It was tough going, but we were making it. I didn't have a problem until we arrived at our present location, and had my latest dream quashed.
I have made a perfect ass of myself to my family and friends, I lost my job, but worst of all I have completely let my son down, and put him in danger. I never drove with him while intoxicated, but that meant we didn't really get to go anywhere that wasn't walking distance. I never drank till the point of passing out, I maintained a state of almost constant inebriation after discovering all my efforts over the past year at changing careers and losing my job, but has been such a monumental failure, and I find it hard to forgive myself.
As for what I'm doing about it, well. I sat in on an AA meeting, quietly, and observed. That's not for me. Thankfully, I have counseling set up for myself, but I don't think it's sufficient by itself, so I signed up here. So, here I am. Seems like a decent place.
I don't think I'll be drinking again. I don't like the way it makes me feel in general, and I certainly hate the way it makes me feel then next day. Now that I've lost my son to my inability to cope with the most severe problems, it's got to end. The only thing it has ever been good for was my anxiety and depression, and it's a whole lot easier to drink a bottle of Jameson than it is to lift weights until the tension eases up, and it's the easiest drug to get, to boot.
Sorry, I tend to be long winded.
Cheers.
I'm in a pretty bad way. I've imagined more depths than I can count, including my own death. How much lower can you go, that to be lowered six feet under, after a life spent on nothing, wasted waging an internal emotional war with yourself and your past? I'm not suicidal, I would never commit suicide, but when you're suffering severe depression and almost constant raging anxiety, it's easy to flirt with the idea of no longer being. I'm sure a lot of you can understand.
But, I must be. Wednesday I admitted myself to the emergency room, suffering from withdrawal symptoms-as I had determined to quit-seeking help. Not just for myself, but for my three year old son, whom I have sole custody of after my finance, his mother, abandoned us in June of 14. She left after I completely lost it after I discovered she put concentrated energy drops into his sippy cup to keep him awake, for reasons I still don't comprehend and don't really care about. That's not something you introduce into an underdeveloped circulatory system. In any case, I knew full well what would happen when I submitted, and now my son is temporarily lost to me. Thankfully, he's with my sister and not some random family.
Nevertheless, I'm currently experiencing a kind of a hell I had scarcely imagined. Not having that beautiful smiling face to shine on me, or to hear his laughter, that hand to lead on a walk down to the railroad tracks to watch the passing trains, or to sit with and read Richard Scarey's Busytown books or sing along to our favorite songs in Fraggle Rock.
Up until four weeks ago, I had been holding it all together, if only barely. I work, I cook, I clean, I was working towards college-planning on a masters degree, I had a plan, changed careers, and then I, inadvertently, found that the plan I had to lift us up, and keep us up, move us forward, couldn't be accomplished, due to my past-I crashed, I lost hope, if briefly.
I've had periods of substance abuse. The first was while coping with the illness and eventual deaths of my parents some years back. When it was over and done with, I gave up everything and hit the road with a backpack, and didn't touch a drop for over a year. I just wanted to reset.
The last major period occurred in 2013, when after a big move my finance and I ended up homeless, when she refused to get a job. Because she was holding off for something better, a lingerie boutique. Needless to say, I was a little angry, depressed, and suffocating in anxiety, and so I started self medicating again. Despite being able to put down about 900ml a day of 80 proof vodka, I was able to pull us out of homelessness and into an apartment through a program, and with her eventual help once she decided on a job. I was then prescribed a Librium taper, and walked away from it again, no problems.
Then, we moved back to where we moved from, where it was cheaper to live, and then it was over. She split, and we moved again. It was tough going, but we were making it. I didn't have a problem until we arrived at our present location, and had my latest dream quashed.
I have made a perfect ass of myself to my family and friends, I lost my job, but worst of all I have completely let my son down, and put him in danger. I never drove with him while intoxicated, but that meant we didn't really get to go anywhere that wasn't walking distance. I never drank till the point of passing out, I maintained a state of almost constant inebriation after discovering all my efforts over the past year at changing careers and losing my job, but has been such a monumental failure, and I find it hard to forgive myself.
As for what I'm doing about it, well. I sat in on an AA meeting, quietly, and observed. That's not for me. Thankfully, I have counseling set up for myself, but I don't think it's sufficient by itself, so I signed up here. So, here I am. Seems like a decent place.
I don't think I'll be drinking again. I don't like the way it makes me feel in general, and I certainly hate the way it makes me feel then next day. Now that I've lost my son to my inability to cope with the most severe problems, it's got to end. The only thing it has ever been good for was my anxiety and depression, and it's a whole lot easier to drink a bottle of Jameson than it is to lift weights until the tension eases up, and it's the easiest drug to get, to boot.
Sorry, I tend to be long winded.
Cheers.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
Welcome to the family! 
I drank to medicate anxiety and depression. Of course, the drinking only made it worse. Now that I'm sober my meds work like they should and my anxiety and depression are manageable.
I also saw a counselor and found it very helpful.
I'm glad you joined us!
I drank to medicate anxiety and depression. Of course, the drinking only made it worse. Now that I'm sober my meds work like they should and my anxiety and depression are manageable.I also saw a counselor and found it very helpful.
I'm glad you joined us!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, qzvar! I'm really glad you found us and it's good to have you with us. It sounds like addiction has you in a bad place. But the good news is there is hope! You can get off the ride permanently and make a better life for you and your little boy.
I think it's important to use what local resources you have. By that I mean programs, etc. You're no good to your son if you're dead.
Many/most of us at SR have walked in the darkness of addiction and despair, too. We know where you're at right now. My life had become pretty unmanageable after 25 years of drinking. I knew I couldn't go on any longer living that way but it's the only way I knew.
At any rate, hand in there qzvar. There is help and hope.
I think it's important to use what local resources you have. By that I mean programs, etc. You're no good to your son if you're dead.
Many/most of us at SR have walked in the darkness of addiction and despair, too. We know where you're at right now. My life had become pretty unmanageable after 25 years of drinking. I knew I couldn't go on any longer living that way but it's the only way I knew.
At any rate, hand in there qzvar. There is help and hope.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I didn’t like AA after my first meeting either, who would? I was undisciplined, self centered, knew it all, and could stop by myself etc. This was naturally under the haze of alcohol thinking with an escape route that was defiantly killing me because I have a progressive disease that never gets cured or better if we are alcoholics and continue to drink.
Finally when my emotional pain became to much I surrendered to the fact I could not drink in safety.
Sobriety requires a lot of work and change facing oneself. If we want sobriety and work for it it’s ours.
The alternative is a very miserable life then ??????
BE WELL
I didn’t like AA after my first meeting either, who would? I was undisciplined, self centered, knew it all, and could stop by myself etc. This was naturally under the haze of alcohol thinking with an escape route that was defiantly killing me because I have a progressive disease that never gets cured or better if we are alcoholics and continue to drink.
Finally when my emotional pain became to much I surrendered to the fact I could not drink in safety.
Sobriety requires a lot of work and change facing oneself. If we want sobriety and work for it it’s ours.
The alternative is a very miserable life then ??????
BE WELL
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Welcome qvzar
I know it must be tough right now with your son but he's safe and well. Your job, for now, is to get well and get yourself together.
You'll find a lot of understanding, support and encouragement here
D
I know it must be tough right now with your son but he's safe and well. Your job, for now, is to get well and get yourself together.
You'll find a lot of understanding, support and encouragement here
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 19
Thanks for the warm welcome. I'm attending my first counseling session tomorrow, and we'll see how that goes. I'm in it more for the CBT aspects of the treatment, and as an outlet for expressing my anxiety and depression. I'm pretty sure most people who have ended up here with similar issues, who have turned to drugs and alcohol, are well cursed with the majority of your friends and colleagues, even family, not being able to understand, or be supportive of you. Some, like myself, may have none.
In any case, I haven't touched a drop, and haven't had any actual desire to so far. I'm having a hard time coming up with what to do with all the time that has normally been dedicated to attending to the boy. I did share a very conscious joke with myself night about heading to the store to grab some Shiner to settle in for the night to watch Lawless after my fingers and wrists went numb from filling out job applications.
I figured working with my dumbells and cooking an amazing pot of mushroom, onion and beef stew with buttery yukon gold potatoes would work out for the better. Honestly, I think I should open a restaurant. Turned out amazing!
Which, in fact, isn't far from my future plans. Been a food truck nut for ages, but my credit is absolutely shot. Big surprise there, huh? I'm going to have to start small. Maybe a tow-able hot dog cart? Serving savory all beef franks slow-boiled in a rich, dark bock. But, maybe without the bock.
Alas, gotta get a job first and start saving again.
In any case, I haven't touched a drop, and haven't had any actual desire to so far. I'm having a hard time coming up with what to do with all the time that has normally been dedicated to attending to the boy. I did share a very conscious joke with myself night about heading to the store to grab some Shiner to settle in for the night to watch Lawless after my fingers and wrists went numb from filling out job applications.
I figured working with my dumbells and cooking an amazing pot of mushroom, onion and beef stew with buttery yukon gold potatoes would work out for the better. Honestly, I think I should open a restaurant. Turned out amazing!
Which, in fact, isn't far from my future plans. Been a food truck nut for ages, but my credit is absolutely shot. Big surprise there, huh? I'm going to have to start small. Maybe a tow-able hot dog cart? Serving savory all beef franks slow-boiled in a rich, dark bock. But, maybe without the bock.
Alas, gotta get a job first and start saving again.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Welcome qzvar.
The important things are that your son is in a safe place and you are starting down the right path. Focus on yourself at the moment and once you get yourself into a better place you can start spending more time with your son.
The important things are that your son is in a safe place and you are starting down the right path. Focus on yourself at the moment and once you get yourself into a better place you can start spending more time with your son.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Welcome!
I am a non custodial parent. My ex has custody of our girls. I have visitation. I cannot take care of them and I am still working on getting healthy. I know they are safe-and so is your son.
My thoughts are with you while you get well.
I am a non custodial parent. My ex has custody of our girls. I have visitation. I cannot take care of them and I am still working on getting healthy. I know they are safe-and so is your son.
My thoughts are with you while you get well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,536
Welcome never give up on your dreams. You know what you need to do. Maybe give AA another try. I use a lot of different methods and am far from a sobriety pro but I do know I tend to isolate and SR and AA help with the social interaction for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 19
Thanks again. I think I'm doing okay.
While walking I decided I didn't want stew again today, so I'm going to make a thai style curry. Problem is, the grocery store near by doesn't sell the coconut cream I want to use. Walmart does, but it's 3 miles away. The liquor store did. Gotta have it for pina coladas. So, I'm now short $3 and heavy one can of coconut cream. Nope, no vodka.
Time for my taste buds to
While walking I decided I didn't want stew again today, so I'm going to make a thai style curry. Problem is, the grocery store near by doesn't sell the coconut cream I want to use. Walmart does, but it's 3 miles away. The liquor store did. Gotta have it for pina coladas. So, I'm now short $3 and heavy one can of coconut cream. Nope, no vodka.
Time for my taste buds to
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