Frixion

I can feel my sobriety slipping through my fingers. I don't want to face reality right now, I don't want to work hard, or make the healthy decision. I don't want to go to sleep, because when I do I have to face tomorrow the second I wake. It's late, and I don't want to talk. I don't want food, entertainment, or to be social. I feel so done with everything, and all I want is that moment, that blissful fricken moment of inner peace that only vodka can imitate. I want this anxiety to leave, I want to be impaired, I want to allow my self to feel good.

My AV is yelling louder and louder in the past couple days, and I desperately want to have a moment of weakness... Then tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I can start fresh... But no I know that if I relapse I may never come back. I hate that I can't just be me. Why can't I drink my face off, why can't I goof off, why can't I do these things I enjoy so much. I just don't care about the negativity alcohol has brought into my life. All I care about right now it that drink, and that alone. I hate this.

Fluffer

Please don't do it buddy. It is a temporary craving and will pass. Try and distract yourself for a while till its gone.... There's a better future waiting for you on the other side!

TomTom75

These issues you face, will be easier to face in time. It is just hard to imagine that right now. Ride it out

Notimetoloose

My Av would take me to my grave if I gave it the reins. I still can not get my head around the fact that we can still crave something that has and has further potential to cause so much devastation for us, our families and society.
Addiction being addiction but it's also like some kind of stockholm syndrome where we choose our abuser. Just messed up.
Hang in there it gets so much better, waking up is amazing.
Remember HALT. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.
This can affect how we feel about our sobriety.

Della1968

The anxiety would be so much worse if you drank.

LSC1

Come join us in the Chat room Frixion.

Dee74

it's not a done deal Frixion. Your addicted self won't like it, but you can choose to say no.

I don't know what your support is like, or what your recovery plan is, but there are some great suggestions for cravings here.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

There are even more suggestions here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

I know..you don't want to do any of that.
You need to force yourself.

There is SO much more at stake here than just a drink.

Don't let yourself down. Keep the faith. Things get better - if they didn't noone would stay sober.

Cravings pass - even the most monumental ones.

Tomorrow you won't regret not drinking today

why not join the other Marchers here for support too?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-3-a-9.html

D

IOAA2

Hi.

How familiar, though many years later, with your feelings. The thing that helped me was face to face meetings at which all the things said here were suggested.
Most of the things that would help me I didn’t want to hear, because “I’m different, you don’t understand, I don’t suffer well and on and on.”

Finally I was shown my path and thinking was akin to insanity, repeating the same thins over and over expecting different results.

My thinking was changed by going to a lot of meetings and practicing the program as it’s laid out, not my way.
Today it’s great to feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time.

BE WELL

MIRecovery

An AA meeting always works for me and has worked for many others.

We have to try new things and become a new person

Littlebear

Frixion hi. I am new to all this too. And have also had a few really dire days over this weekend, and wanted to drink very much. But i managed not to. I want to re-offer my version of what Dee has already said...that even if you don't want to follow a plan right now...you need to force yourself to do it. Just choose a bit of your plan...best that it's something with an action... It will help to get through the carvings part. Daft examples of my own from this weekend...was putting flea treatment on my cats (when it was the last thing I felt like doing)..it was a bit of a performance...and it took my mind of the drink for a bit. Later, when the cavings came back...i put on warm clothes and went out in the rain to plan/measure up my new 'pergola to be'. I know...as I said - daft examples...but they worked to help me move onto the next thing...the next few moments until I could see what else mig help. I am finding that it's often just managing these things that helps when the bigger things on our plan...cannot be used.

My wishes are sent to you...x

FreeOwl

I hope you made it through. That drink is a flaw promise and that vodka-fueled bliss is an illusion.

You know... The real you, not your addicted mind.... You know this.

Keep posting, keep talking, get yourself well surrounded with additional support. This gets easier and life gets better.

Nonsensical

Ever see a 2-year-old throw a tantrum at the grocery store? See the parent...frustrated...exasperated. Sometimes they relent and give the child what it wants just to shut it up for a few minutes. Those parents just earned themselves another tantrum somewhere in the future.

My AV does the same thing as that toddler - pitches a bitch, hoping I'll relent. Sounds like yours does, too.

My AV would also tell me that the awful feeling I was having would last forever unless I drank. My AV is a liar and a thief. Awful feelings are as impermanent as good feelings. Things change.

You can do this.

SoberLeigh

I hope you chose, and choose, to stay sober, Frixion. Alcohol makes promises that it never keeps.

Stay true and good to yourself; you are worth it.

ZHIK

(Putting on my superhero cape in response to a cry for help )

You want to be able to drink without consequences. Not gonna happen.

Sober, you don't feel good. You are insecure and not the person you want to be.

Alcohol does not solve that. It takes your life without remorse. The you on alcohol is not the real you.

Look into the real you. The you that you are when you're sober. Don't like what you see? I'm betting you don't.

THAT is the place to change. Whatever it is, go see a professional for it. Your doctor can point you to the right one.

Be well.

Frixion

Thank you all, I read all your responses and they were helpful, as well as thought provoking. I made it through the night without drinking. I can't believe how hard it's been in the past few days. When I first stopped drinking I thought that the beginning would be the hardest, and in a way it probably was, but in another way it was easier because sobriety was new and exciting. Now real life is continuing and everything has gotten better since I have quit drinking, but with life getting better I feel that I have more responsibilities. I feel like I am going to crumble under these responsibilities... And they aren't even difficult tasks (or they shouldn't be considered difficult). I used to use alcohol as an excuse to not live life, and now learning to live has been my biggest challenge. I think today I will come up with some sort of game plan to avoid drinking in those moments, but geez I'm not even sure where to begin with that plan... Any suggestions?

ZHIK

The responsibilities were always there, you just drank to avoid them. Which made them pile up and probably created problems.

What you need is to get used to dealing with responsibilities again. It takes some time and practice, but you'll get the hang of it.

The plan I'd suggestion is to deal with responsibilities the moment they come up. That'll get you back on track.

BBQBOY

I feel for you Frixion, we all have those kind of days/weeks. I know it sounds too simple, but I will say the Serenity Prayer to myself several times when things get tough and it actually works. I know it sounds crazy, probably because I'm a little crazy. Give it a try it may work. Best wishes.

Lance40

Hi Frixion - it sounds like the rubber is really hitting the road with your sobriety. I know that feeling where something inside is building toward drinking, and it feels like it's inevitable that you're going to drink again. It sounds like you've recognized that, and now you're standing at a fork in the road. If you don't tweak your plan or take some kind of action to recommit you to sobriety you will drink.

That desire to drink and those cravings you feel are not you; those are the claws of addiction. We alcoholics allowed ourselves to get to a place where our feelings and desires for alcohol defined our reality and that's when we lost control. We started to believe that's who we were, but as long as you are not drinking, you are sober and get to make that choice to live above your feelings and desires and stay the course.

There's no middle ground here, and now is the time to decide how the rest of your life goes. Actions will follow from the choices you make. I have been standing right where you are in the past, and I got similar advice on SR. It was one of the things that finally made me dive into the deep end of the pool and commit to this not just for today but for a lifetime. From one alcoholic to another I hope you make the right choice.

Soberwolf

I really agree with D's and IOAA2's post

Dee74

I grew to love having responsibilities Frixion.
I found I was more capable than I ever thought I was.

Are you scared that maybe you're not capable?

D