waitingforhope

I'm trying to take some big deep breathes and not cry but I don't know how long I can hold them back. I really hope I don't cry in front of him tomorrow. This is so so final even though the final court date isn't set yet, these are the papers that set it in motion. Just the second to last step. Last week we were supposed to get this done but he took off on me. If we don't get it done though by tomorrow, we have to go to court next week just for the judge to scold him for not cooperating and he's not thrilled with that idea either so I got a text from him tonight that he'll meet tomorrow and get everything signed and a couple of other small things we need to come to agreement on. I do just fine for days on end, this has been such a long separation, 15 months. Why does this still weigh so heavy and turn me into a blubbering fool? He seems to be taking this with a grain of salt like it doesn't matter and it just doesn't seem to me it's fair. He should be in agony after everything he's done to my kids and I. He should be ashamed, embarrassed, begging forgiveness. But of course he's angry with me and this is all my fault. That's coming from a man who has also decided he wants no relationship with our girls either. No worries, I don't believe him anymore, the ugly mean things he says about me but still this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Like someone has died yet you know they are still out there somewhere. The sense of abandonment is the worst part. My girls though have told me they are glad he's gone and hope to never see him again. I want God to punish him, yet I still pray for him too all the time. All these feelings are so polar opposite. I wish they'd go away. Just when I'm coping so well, something else always comes up that must be handled. I just want this to be over and not see him again so we can move on with our lives. Thanks for listening....

FeelingGreat

hi WFH, it's agony to go through, but like you said, it has to be done to allow you to move on. I hope you hold it in tomorrow, seeing that's what you want, but if you need to cry, just go ahead without shame. Women cry, men get angry, yet somehow crying's supposed to be shameful.
If you find him hostile and angry, I'd imagine it's because he's feeling guilty. One day he might acknowledge it, but you won't be around to see it. You'll be living a happy free life somewhere, having provided a safe loving environment for your girls.

waitingforhope

I'm getting some crying in tonight. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll just feel numb. I don't want him to see my tears. He uses them like they give him power. He uses them to mock me and talk down to me as if he's been some gift to me that I've been mistreating instead of the other way around. It's an ego boost for him and I don't want to give him that one last time. Thanks for encouragement. I really really need it right now.

FeelingGreat

Think of it as your doorway to freedom. For all his power tripping and nastiness, you're the hero.

waitingforhope

Thanks......my 15 year old hugged me as she was going to bed and told me everything would be alright. It's my girls who are really heroes. Going through all this. Comforting their mom after everything they've been through and their losses. They are so darn tough. I don't know how I'd get by without them. They are my heroes without a doubt.

CarmenLove

Sending you some love.

You got this.

allmirages

WFH - wishing you strength to get through today and the days ahead. Although I wasn't married to my ex, the tormenting feelings, the ups/downs of emotions, the huge feeling of abandonment, it's all very, very hard. All the while, my ex has moved on with his life, as though I never existed. It seems to be a pretty common theme here, unfortunately. While I know this is such a trying time for you and even your girls, by ending this situation, it WILL give you the freedom to move on with your life and to allow positive things to blossom. Big hugs to you!

hopeful4

Lots of love today!!! You can do this!

zoso77

WFH...I'm sorry that it's come to this. Divorce, even without drugs in the picture, is a brutal thing to go through.

But drugs are in the picture. And because they are, it is unreasonable to expect your STBAXH to behave as if drugs weren't in the picture. His moral and ethical compasses are disabled. His emotions are shunted off such that he doesn't feel anything. And his sense of obligation to you and your children has been supplanted by complete, unending self indulgence.

For all intents and purposes, he's a functional sociopath.

I hate having to write all of this, but it's the truth, and it's important that you work on not taking any of what he's done personally. This isn't about you or your kids. It's about him and his failure to accept responsibility for his addiction. He blames you because you're an easy target. When he does, remember what I've written above.

Hang in there.

Jorgenss

Sending hugs your way.