How to disengage when you live with the person?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
How to disengage when you live with the person?
Hi all - Thank you in advance for any advice you can give.
My husband is a functional alcoholic. He is not abusive, he has a good job, and he loves me. When he is not drinking, he is a great guy. When he is drinking (he is passed out right now), I cannot stand to even look at him. I have tried not to argue, guilt, yell, shame, etc (not always successfully) and I do not know how to disengage with love with him. I know how to shut down, which does not help.
I understand the concept of disengaging with love and have successfully done it with a couple of family members, but I do not know how to do that when I live with the guy and have to see him every day. I asked him to leave a couple weeks ago and he did for one night, came back so sorry saying things would change. They did for a week or so then back to drinking to excess. Can someone please tell me how to handle this situation? I feel like I am drowning and don't know what to do. If he was a jerk all the time, it would be easier.
My husband is a functional alcoholic. He is not abusive, he has a good job, and he loves me. When he is not drinking, he is a great guy. When he is drinking (he is passed out right now), I cannot stand to even look at him. I have tried not to argue, guilt, yell, shame, etc (not always successfully) and I do not know how to disengage with love with him. I know how to shut down, which does not help.
I understand the concept of disengaging with love and have successfully done it with a couple of family members, but I do not know how to do that when I live with the guy and have to see him every day. I asked him to leave a couple weeks ago and he did for one night, came back so sorry saying things would change. They did for a week or so then back to drinking to excess. Can someone please tell me how to handle this situation? I feel like I am drowning and don't know what to do. If he was a jerk all the time, it would be easier.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
detaching for ME is not allowing or giving the POWER to someone else to change MY emotions. It's not a matter of caring (because of course we do)....it's a matter of not handing them the power. We must look at the things we CAN control. No matter what, you cannot control that your AH is passed out right now....so what can you do? You can choose to NOT let it effect you and do something else.
This is what detachment means to me....it means different things to different people.
Hugs. Don't give the power away!
This is what detachment means to me....it means different things to different people.
Hugs. Don't give the power away!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Detachment just means you aren't engaging in useless behaviors like arguing with a drunk, checking up on what he's doing, monitoring his drinking, cleaning up his messes, etc. It doesn't mean ignoring him entirely. It means going about your business doing what you would normally do, if he weren't drinking. Example: He passes out on the floor. You leave him there, without trying to coax him to bed or put a pillow under his head or a blanket over him.
Incidentally, "functional" is a stage, not a type, of alcoholism. Alcoholism is progressive and it WILL get worse.
Have you been to Al-Anon?
Incidentally, "functional" is a stage, not a type, of alcoholism. Alcoholism is progressive and it WILL get worse.
Have you been to Al-Anon?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
My situation is much the same. Since I've decided that I'm not going to leave him, and I'm just going to try to get through the rest of our lives this way, I try to just make sure that I do what I want when I want--I don't let my decisions be based on his drinking. I have a strong network of family and friends who are always there for me, and I spend time with them.
My AH has never been the type to want to cut me off from others; in fact, he's more likely to invite family over before I do. I know common belief on this board says there are no "functional alcoholics," but I do believe there are ways to live with one, under certain conditions.
He knows I will not engage him in a conversation when he's drunk, and respects that, for the most part. We both have a love of travel and sports, and frequently share those activities. I try to look at it (the alcoholism) as more of a fault of his that I dislike. For example--one of my sisters is married to a man who will never travel anywhere--I'd hate that. Another friend's husband is so cheap it's embarrassing.
My AH works full time, cooks for us all the time, is basically a good man. He just has this fault...but I have a few of my own. It was harder when our kids were home--now we're empty nesters. But both kids are healthy, self-supporting college graduates who communicate with both of us almost daily--and both have expressed thanks for us having stuck this out. I know it's not popular, but it's worked for me--with some definite bumps in the road, but who doesn't have those?--for over 26 years.
I guess yes--I'm willing to put up with some bad times in exchange for a majority of good. But I'm also very open about telling him (the next day) when he's crossed a line, and I pull no punches in labeling him an alcoholic to his face and to our family and friends. I won't keep those secrets.
I hope this helps. You can PM me if you want to talk more.
My AH has never been the type to want to cut me off from others; in fact, he's more likely to invite family over before I do. I know common belief on this board says there are no "functional alcoholics," but I do believe there are ways to live with one, under certain conditions.
He knows I will not engage him in a conversation when he's drunk, and respects that, for the most part. We both have a love of travel and sports, and frequently share those activities. I try to look at it (the alcoholism) as more of a fault of his that I dislike. For example--one of my sisters is married to a man who will never travel anywhere--I'd hate that. Another friend's husband is so cheap it's embarrassing.
My AH works full time, cooks for us all the time, is basically a good man. He just has this fault...but I have a few of my own. It was harder when our kids were home--now we're empty nesters. But both kids are healthy, self-supporting college graduates who communicate with both of us almost daily--and both have expressed thanks for us having stuck this out. I know it's not popular, but it's worked for me--with some definite bumps in the road, but who doesn't have those?--for over 26 years.
I guess yes--I'm willing to put up with some bad times in exchange for a majority of good. But I'm also very open about telling him (the next day) when he's crossed a line, and I pull no punches in labeling him an alcoholic to his face and to our family and friends. I won't keep those secrets.
I hope this helps. You can PM me if you want to talk more.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Woodstock
Posts: 12
I am brand new to this forum and haven't posted an introduction post yet. And I don't mean to hijack this post at all! But, Sikofit- your post spoke to me so much because I find myself in the exact same situation, only with young children instead. I can't PM you because I don't have enough posts under my belt but are you able to PM me? I would love to chat with someone who I relate to so much- and any crumbs of advice or encouragement you could throw my way would be hugely appreciated. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sikofit, I give you a lot of credit for going on with your life, and living with an A. I just couldn't live that way any longer, I tried. I also had been married 26 years, together 34.
I could no longer enable my xah to be comfortable in the way we were living. I took care of everything because he was no longer interested in doing "stuff", it was a slow progression. Living with an active alcoholic, was not the way I wanted to spend the rest of my life. It progressively became worse, as if you read on the Alcoholic forum, that's what happens. I still love my xah with all my heart and always will, but I had to give him to God to watch over him, as I could no longer do it.
Alcohol takes a toll on their body and mind. It is a disease, like cancer or diabetes. If you don't take care of yourself with this disease, or get treatment, you will die from it. I was not going to be apart of watching him kill himself, as it is a long, slow, painful death.
I felt I enabled him to drink more, by making his life comfortable. If you go on the A's forum most of them will tell you, that alcoholics don't want to change, unless there is consequences for their actions, such as divorce, jail time, or getting sick from the disease.
I am happy for you that you have a mutual relationship and you are content. The only problem is, that his life will never get better, only worse, as alcoholism is a progressive disease.
(((((((((hugs my friend, you take care)))))))))))
I could no longer enable my xah to be comfortable in the way we were living. I took care of everything because he was no longer interested in doing "stuff", it was a slow progression. Living with an active alcoholic, was not the way I wanted to spend the rest of my life. It progressively became worse, as if you read on the Alcoholic forum, that's what happens. I still love my xah with all my heart and always will, but I had to give him to God to watch over him, as I could no longer do it.
Alcohol takes a toll on their body and mind. It is a disease, like cancer or diabetes. If you don't take care of yourself with this disease, or get treatment, you will die from it. I was not going to be apart of watching him kill himself, as it is a long, slow, painful death.
I felt I enabled him to drink more, by making his life comfortable. If you go on the A's forum most of them will tell you, that alcoholics don't want to change, unless there is consequences for their actions, such as divorce, jail time, or getting sick from the disease.
I am happy for you that you have a mutual relationship and you are content. The only problem is, that his life will never get better, only worse, as alcoholism is a progressive disease.
(((((((((hugs my friend, you take care)))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
Kelleyw9292--I sent you a PM--but now I'm wondering if you'll be able to reply?! It might be good to post an introduction anyway--that way you'll get much more advise and welcoming.
Maia--I know--and you know I waver on this decision. But the thing is--my AH DOES do a lot around our home, and is very responsive and helpful to others. I know we say alcoholism is progressive, but I've also known alcoholics/heavy drinkers who just kind of slow down after many years. I've seen it in my own family with cousins and uncles.
I guess I just feel like I am better off with him than without him. Yes, there are bad times--but I don't know anyone who is spared from those.
We each come here from a different place--and we each end up in a different place. I've always felt comforted that when I need to rant and rave at the injustice of alcoholism, people here know and share my pain. I think that's the real beauty of SR.
Maia--I know--and you know I waver on this decision. But the thing is--my AH DOES do a lot around our home, and is very responsive and helpful to others. I know we say alcoholism is progressive, but I've also known alcoholics/heavy drinkers who just kind of slow down after many years. I've seen it in my own family with cousins and uncles.
I guess I just feel like I am better off with him than without him. Yes, there are bad times--but I don't know anyone who is spared from those.
We each come here from a different place--and we each end up in a different place. I've always felt comforted that when I need to rant and rave at the injustice of alcoholism, people here know and share my pain. I think that's the real beauty of SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sikofit,
You are exactly right. SR supports you with anything you choose in your life, they are always there for you. As in alanon, no one will tell you what to do or that you are wrong. You take what you want and leave the rest!!
"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment."
Hugs my friend!!
You are exactly right. SR supports you with anything you choose in your life, they are always there for you. As in alanon, no one will tell you what to do or that you are wrong. You take what you want and leave the rest!!
"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment."
Hugs my friend!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
I can totally relate to your post!
I totally get it would be easier if he was a jerk all the time, I really do.
Detaching is hard but I'm finding it with mine when he's drinking I used to make snark comments, get down, hate him, sulk to myself....now I'm trying to have fun with the kids, do something pro active and something that makes me feel nice even if it's a candles and bath , this has helped me with detaching so I hope this helps,
I totally get it would be easier if he was a jerk all the time, I really do.
Detaching is hard but I'm finding it with mine when he's drinking I used to make snark comments, get down, hate him, sulk to myself....now I'm trying to have fun with the kids, do something pro active and something that makes me feel nice even if it's a candles and bath , this has helped me with detaching so I hope this helps,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TimeForMe......of course...you, ultimately, will decide what you are or are not willing to live with. We are all different. I, for one, cannot live with a drunk in the house--I would rather live in a refridgerator box under the bridge...lol! There are others, on the other extreme, who seem to only require a warm body. And, then there are scores of others who make one decision and change their minds, along the way, as conditions change or progress.
I see "detachment" pretty m uch the same way as Lexie described--to keep us from exhausting ourselves and driving our own selves crazy by useless actions. I also see it as ONE tool to give ourselves some time and space to sort ourselves out.
There are degrees of detachment...both physically and emotionally.
This also overlaps with the concept of BOUNDARIES that you establish to protect yourself.
If I were you--I wouldn't worry about detachment with "love", right now. Just deal with the detachment part, first. It is often hard to feel the "love" part while living with an actively drinking alcoholic....lol!
Detachment is just one tool. It cannot, alone, turn an unhappy relationship, magically, into a happy one. Just like you can't build a whole house with a hammer, alone.
dandylion
I see "detachment" pretty m uch the same way as Lexie described--to keep us from exhausting ourselves and driving our own selves crazy by useless actions. I also see it as ONE tool to give ourselves some time and space to sort ourselves out.
There are degrees of detachment...both physically and emotionally.
This also overlaps with the concept of BOUNDARIES that you establish to protect yourself.
If I were you--I wouldn't worry about detachment with "love", right now. Just deal with the detachment part, first. It is often hard to feel the "love" part while living with an actively drinking alcoholic....lol!
Detachment is just one tool. It cannot, alone, turn an unhappy relationship, magically, into a happy one. Just like you can't build a whole house with a hammer, alone.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Woodstock
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by johnno1 
I can totally relate to your post!
I totally get it would be easier if he was a jerk all the time, I really do.
Detaching is hard but I'm finding it with mine when he's drinking I used to make snark comments, get down, hate him, sulk to myself....now I'm trying to have fun with the kids, do something pro active and something that makes me feel nice even if it's a candles and bath , this has helped me with detaching so I hope this helps,
I totally get it would be easier if he was a jerk all the time, I really do.
Detaching is hard but I'm finding it with mine when he's drinking I used to make snark comments, get down, hate him, sulk to myself....now I'm trying to have fun with the kids, do something pro active and something that makes me feel nice even if it's a candles and bath , this has helped me with detaching so I hope this helps,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
Detachment with Love (toward a person I live with) for me means...
No more excuses, or cover stories, or alibis that excuse her drinking either to myself or others (why she didn't show up for a family event or why the door has a hole in it).
Keeping myself safe, both financially and emotionally
Having a life. I joined several groups and we go to plays, and on trips, and to museums, things I never did before because of the fear my daughter would need me.
Turning the light out and going to bed (rather than sitting up all night, terrified she'd OD)
Supporting her her going to AA (even if it is the 20th time)
No more excuses, or cover stories, or alibis that excuse her drinking either to myself or others (why she didn't show up for a family event or why the door has a hole in it).
Keeping myself safe, both financially and emotionally
Having a life. I joined several groups and we go to plays, and on trips, and to museums, things I never did before because of the fear my daughter would need me.
Turning the light out and going to bed (rather than sitting up all night, terrified she'd OD)
Supporting her her going to AA (even if it is the 20th time)
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