sorcharuane

I haven't posted on the site in a while, the last time I did my alcoholic partner was bleeding internally from drinking and I thought, and he had been warned by his doctors that he would die if he didn't stop drinking. Well he managed to get stopped for about 5 weeks and as usual we had a lovely relationship and got really close again while he was off it. but he started drinking again about 2 weeks ago..when he drinks it's vodka, home alone, all day every day for weeks on end until he's battered by it.

We don't live together and generally I try to have minimum contact while he's drinking as he's so unpredictable, argumentative, incoherent and at times verbally abusive. I am a recovering addict myself and when he's coming to the end of his bender and wants to stop he's interested in hearing about meetings and recovery though he says it's not for him. I have always known I can't stop him drinking, I go to alanon too and I've tried to be understanding and tolerant and remember it's a disease.

Since he went back on it this time I just feel something in me has shut down though. I just feel I can't keep going through this, watching him take himself to the brink of death, wondering will this be the time that he can't stop on time. I used to bring him down dinners when he was getting to the end and weak, I used to feel sad for him in his isolation and go down for an hour to listen to the same old stuff. I used to text to make sure he was ok only to get nonsense in reply, but somehow I don't want to do any of that anymore.

I've stuffed so many feelings and reactions in case he dies and the last thing I said was something harsh or we weren't talking. And it's like all the anger and hurt has hit me full force the last couple of weeks and is blocking out all the love and compassion I felt for him before. I feel he took advantage of my feelings for him and is an expert manipulator. And I let him. God knows why. I have no hope for us anymore, I used to think if he got sober it would work. Now I think I'd just be waiting for the next slip and I can't keep going through this.

The scariest bit is I am still reluctant to fully let go, to say to him this is it, it's over. I din't know if I'm just scared of the grief feelings that will follow that or afraid of being single again. There has been a lot of loss and change in my life in the last few years. I am thinking of going no contact for a start. There is guilt about letting go when he's in this state too but I know I can use that as an excuse to cover up my own fear of letting go. Why is it so hard to let go? Does anybody know? Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

NoGoingBack

So sorry to read this, it's heartbreaking.

Trouble is, it's so hard to let go. I guess my advice would be walk away now and put yourself first. Easy to say though not easy to do...

When I was drinking I used to rely on all the tricks in the book to keep my partner. Started as "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again" and went down the all lies you could think of and some you probably can't. Manipulative, selfish and cruel but I knew that she wouldn't / couldn't leave.

One of the big reality checks for me was the first time she DID. With our kids. That was part of my turning point.

Everyone's different but one thing holds true: You can change yourself, but you'll never change someone else. That's up to them.

Sending thoughts your way
Stay safe
NGB

sorcharuane

Thank you NoGoingBack. Yes I've heard so many excuses and reasons and promises. I know I have to build up my own strength. I feel I'm beginning to see through a lot of the games and ******** at least! There is some progress! It is heartbreaking, thank you for reply.

LexieCat

I went through the exact same scenario with my second husband. He almost died of liver/kidney failure, got sober for a bit, and then went back to drinking himself to death. I didn't have it in me to do a second deathbed vigil so soon after the last, with someone who was unwilling to do what he needed to do to stay sober. It is frightening and sad, but I had to walk away for my own sanity.

I divorced him, but I did it as kindly as possible. Somehow he is still alive all these years later (I left him sixteen years ago), still drinking. I am not in contact with him. I do not want to be in contact with him. I sleep well at night. I know I did what I could to be supportive but that isn't enough to get someone sober.

I left before I hated him. I was afraid that if I stayed, I WOULD come to hate him, and I didn't want that.

maia1234

Why do you need to break up with him. Just stop enabling him. If he's drunk, he might not even know that you are going no contact. I'm not sure why it needs to be stated.

I understand that you are hitting your rock bottom. Sometimes we can't sit by and watch someone kill themselves. We have to protect ourselves. I can see why you are at that point now.

Take your time, ween away from the situation. Don't come to his rescue and answer drunken texts or phone calls. Try and let him live his life, and you go on with yours. He probably isn't to worried about what is going on in your life. Maybe, just maybe he will get his act together.

Hugs my friend!!

sorcharuane

Thank you LexieCat, yes I'm beginning to wonder how many lives he has. I don't hate him yet, and like you, I don't want to, and I don't want to lose caring and compassion for him either. At the moment I am having trouble remembering the good things and what I love about him though. Thanks for reply.

sorcharuane

Hi Maia1234, thank you, I'm not sure yet if I do need to break up with him. No he has absolutely no interest in what is going on in my life at the moment! It's all about what I'm not doing for him! You are right, I need to focus on my own life and let him get on with it and I am trying to do that. I miss the closeness we have when he is sober of course and it's just a wrench every time he goes back on it and I have to let go again. Anyway thanks, I really appreciate the comments from people who have beenor are going through the same.

LemonGirl

Oh Lexie, that is exactly how I did it too. My break up anyway...

Catherine628

This is my situation and that's exactly how my AH drinks. The guilt and the worry that he would die kept me hooked in for a long time. I let go when I realized I couldn't change him.

We are separated and in minimal contact regarding our children. I couldn't live with the stress anymore. I was constantly cleaning up after him (in lots of ways) and it was exhausting.

I can finally sleep at night and concentrate on myself and raising the kids.

Good luck to you.

NYCDoglvr

As a codependent my obsession with a very screwed up alcoholic was similar to his compulsion to drink. It's all self-destructive addiction. What saved my sanity was Alanon and I recommend it. Terrific support and you learn to deal with the issues that keep you from having a happy relationship with a healthy person.

sorcharuane

Thank you Catherine628. I have made a decision to do no contact for 40 days. That's as much as I can decide at the moment. I have tried to end it so many times already. But the same as you I just can't deal with the stress anymore, even the nonsense texts are wrecking my head at this point. Thanks.

sorcharuane

Thank you NYCDoglvr, yes obsession and addiction. I have been attending alanon regularly for about 3 years now. I 've been surrounded with addiction and attracted to addicts my whole life. It's a fantastic programme but it takes time I guess! Thanks.

healthyagain

I can so relate. It is so hard. Especially if there are the periods of niceness, if there are "I'm sorrys" and "I'll never do it agains." You have to stick to your decision, no matter what it is. I was talking to an attorney yesterday, and it was super painful. Hearing yourself talking and saying it out loud, "My husband is an alcoholic. This is the reason why I want to leave." And you tell that to someone you see for the first time in your life. And then you keep talking and wonder how the hell you stayed married that long.

It is hard to let go. We are afraid of change and uncertainty. But at some point, there is a little twig that snaps. No contact is a good start.

Refiner

It sounds like you have recovered, and he has not and has no intentions to try at the moment. I think the most loving thing you can do for him is set him free.

NYCDoglvr

It helped me to realize it was my delusional thinking, my denial and rationalization, that lead to sticking around too long. My sponsor: "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Easy to see this in hindsight but much harder to change when it's happening ... it's a process that takes patience, fortitude and a great sponsor.

sorcharuane

Hi Refiner, thank you for the reply. I'm wondering why you think the most loving thing I can do for him is to let him go? I'm struggling with a lot of guilt over ending the relationship when he is so sick from drink. I'd love to hear your views on how it is loving. Thank you.

CarmenLove

I think it's to do with the thoughts we have about what it means to let go.

Which may not even be true.

LexieCat

It is loving because he is an adult, and by letting him go you are allowing him the dignity of living his own life as he chooses without trying to force him into something he doesn't want. He knows that help is available. He knows where to find it.

I still cared very much about my second husband when I left him, but I knew I had done what I could for him and the rest was up to him. Somehow, he is still alive all these years later (I left him sixteen years ago). I am not in contact with him and I don't want to be. But it's his life, and he knows where to find help when and if he is ready.

Refiner

Most times they need to know that this is their life, this is their mess, they got themselves into it and only they can seek help and get themselves out of it - if THEY want to. You see... It really has very little to do with you when it comes to another's addiction.