Struggling really badly here...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 173
Struggling really badly here...
Hi all. My weekend's been hard. I've battled too with wanting to speak here but then stopping myself over and over. I am embarrassed to reach out. Feel ashamed I have the need to. Today I am 42 days sober so suppose I should feel good about that. But all I feel is worthless and alone. I alternate between wanting to drink and wanting my relationship back with my ex partner - who i know was certainly not good for me. That also ended 42 days ago. I gave up him and alcohol the same day. I am trying...really am to help myself. Eating better, rejuvenated my meditation practice, occasional gym visit. Trying to be in contact with some friends...getting back to scribbling some daily pages to see if I still want to write...
But this weekend...and specially tonight I feel so afraid - of the future, of it never changing, and of knowing I have already done so much therapy already (to help remedy so much abuse in childhood)...knowing there isn't really anything else to do/try. Even good therapists I've had acknowledge the abuse i experienced was on extreme, and I know that. I don't see tonight how I can make this work...sobriety I mean
So I don't feel hopeful. I feel its a matter of time before i return to drinking. I cant cope with this level of distress I feel right now.. Sober it's too painful. I feel the same extreme urges to contact my ex partner and the drink. I have had a bottle of wine in my fridge all the time I have been sober...and more than any time...today I have been aware it's there.
Sorry for being so pessimistic...I feel this way. But I am also aware it does little good for newcomers to see that 42 days in...it can still feel this awful. I don't really know what will help...but thankyou for listening
But this weekend...and specially tonight I feel so afraid - of the future, of it never changing, and of knowing I have already done so much therapy already (to help remedy so much abuse in childhood)...knowing there isn't really anything else to do/try. Even good therapists I've had acknowledge the abuse i experienced was on extreme, and I know that. I don't see tonight how I can make this work...sobriety I mean
So I don't feel hopeful. I feel its a matter of time before i return to drinking. I cant cope with this level of distress I feel right now.. Sober it's too painful. I feel the same extreme urges to contact my ex partner and the drink. I have had a bottle of wine in my fridge all the time I have been sober...and more than any time...today I have been aware it's there.
Sorry for being so pessimistic...I feel this way. But I am also aware it does little good for newcomers to see that 42 days in...it can still feel this awful. I don't really know what will help...but thankyou for listening
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,445
Hi LittleBear,
Please don't feel any shame about posting here that you are struggling. We all go through bad times and need someone to lean on from time to time. Congratulations for how far you've come in your recovery.
Like you, I was abused as a child and I understand how therapists and counsellors cannot 'fix' the problem. What I believe though, is that if you allow the abuse to affect your life today and cause you to drink, you are allowing the person who abused you to continue to ruin your life. Try to step away from the grip of the person/persons who caused you the trauma. Don't allow them to take one more day of your life.
Please don't feel any shame about posting here that you are struggling. We all go through bad times and need someone to lean on from time to time. Congratulations for how far you've come in your recovery.
Like you, I was abused as a child and I understand how therapists and counsellors cannot 'fix' the problem. What I believe though, is that if you allow the abuse to affect your life today and cause you to drink, you are allowing the person who abused you to continue to ruin your life. Try to step away from the grip of the person/persons who caused you the trauma. Don't allow them to take one more day of your life.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
42 days is great. Focus on that. You know feeling like that falls under completely normal right? I found that my toughest times were right as I was the verge of a breakthrough. Dump that wine from the fridge before it starts whispering to you though.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
LittleBear42 days is still early sobriety and it could be a little bit of PAWS going on too.
You are not worthless! and you know, everyone feels a bit down and lonely sometimes.
When it comes to exes, it took me more than 42 days to "get over them". That person was part of your life and it is normal to miss him even if the relationship was toxic.
You have a heart and you loved him at some point.
Do you meditate? I know that mindfulness meditation and not projecting really helps.
Have you tried urge surfing? Check this thread out
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,536
Hi please never feel like you shouldn't post. Sometimes it helps just to write it out. I have had some traumatic experiences and therapy hasn't fixed it...but it certainly didn't make it worse like drinking did. You can do this. Push through.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hugs Littlebear. I'm really glad you posted because I have been wanting to say 'hello'. This past few weeks have been really tough for me as well and I usually go radio silent in the presence of great emotion. My experience is similar to Silentrun's - tough time and then breakthrough. Sitting with my emotions has offered me enormous personal gain. Not comfortable, yet priceless.
Sorry there is fear in your chest. Remaining logged onto SR while sitting at night and then closing the laptop only as my eyes were closing worked well for my first sober nights - months actually. Like an SR nightlight. No fear. No shame. Not pessimistic. Not alone.
How about: Dump out that bottle of wine as if you were ripping the Bandaid of a healing wound. Then fluff your pillows so they are nice and comfy. Tell yourself over and over that you are enough and this is more than enough. Exhale. 42 days is fabulous.
Littlebear, you are not alone. Allow us to remind you of this during the tough times and celebrate with you during the good. Glad you are here.
This past few weeks have been really tough for me as well and I usually go radio silent in the presence of great emotion. My experience is similar to Silentrun's - tough time and then breakthrough. Sitting with my emotions has offered me enormous personal gain. Not comfortable, yet priceless.Sorry there is fear in your chest. Remaining logged onto SR while sitting at night and then closing the laptop only as my eyes were closing worked well for my first sober nights - months actually. Like an SR nightlight. No fear. No shame. Not pessimistic. Not alone.
How about: Dump out that bottle of wine as if you were ripping the Bandaid of a healing wound. Then fluff your pillows so they are nice and comfy. Tell yourself over and over that you are enough and this is more than enough. Exhale. 42 days is fabulous.
Littlebear, you are not alone. Allow us to remind you of this during the tough times and celebrate with you during the good. Glad you are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 173
Thankyou for your kind words. I won't drink tonight (just 'know') - but weirdly wish I didn't know what I know...ie .how it can feel to have days sober....cleare headed. If i didnt now 'know' this...I could just open the bottle. Even with the emotional bashing I've had over this last few days...I am safe from at least that for now
Anna - thanks for touching into what's still alive in me...the years of early trauma...it still (of course) colours my world drunk or sober. It helps when someone speaks to me of their own hard past (even your few words). Appreciated...
Carlotta - if you only knew of my journey with and through mindfulness...it's possible to practice mindfulness 'well' and still drink...I know it's something that helps me stay with 'me' so thank you for the reminder
Verge...yes I have found staying nearby SR already a comfort...I don't even bother logging out ...haven't done for weeks...and yes, like you.. I tend to go radio silent when overwhelmed
To all - thanks for hanging round my post for a bit. What I needed. I will try to remember that...I am off to bed soon. And will say hello in the morning - somewhere on the site...xx
Anna - thanks for touching into what's still alive in me...the years of early trauma...it still (of course) colours my world drunk or sober. It helps when someone speaks to me of their own hard past (even your few words). Appreciated...
Carlotta - if you only knew of my journey with and through mindfulness...it's possible to practice mindfulness 'well' and still drink...I know it's something that helps me stay with 'me' so thank you for the reminder
Verge...yes I have found staying nearby SR already a comfort...I don't even bother logging out ...haven't done for weeks...and yes, like you.. I tend to go radio silent when overwhelmed
To all - thanks for hanging round my post for a bit. What I needed. I will try to remember that...I am off to bed soon. And will say hello in the morning - somewhere on the site...xx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,507
Littlebear - Never feel ashamed for having a setback and coming here to share. That's what we are all about!
42 days is a great accomplishment - but it's still early in the game, as others have said. It took me a few months to feel comfortable and more accepting. I was very emotional and pessimistic - but I knew I couldn't go back to square one. I think what you're feeling is normal. Very proud of you for using the forum to tell how you're feeling. Hopefully, it will relieve your anxiety.
42 days is a great accomplishment - but it's still early in the game, as others have said. It took me a few months to feel comfortable and more accepting. I was very emotional and pessimistic - but I knew I couldn't go back to square one. I think what you're feeling is normal. Very proud of you for using the forum to tell how you're feeling. Hopefully, it will relieve your anxiety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Off the beaten track, UK
Posts: 812
Stay close Littlebear and never, ever feel ashamed of posting! If you even have to consider it, then just do it!
Noone will judge you here, remember we've all been through the mill one way or another. The one thing we all have in common is we came out the other side fighting and determined to get better!!!
Congrats on 42 days, that's excellent!
Asking for support is not a sign of weakness, to me it shows strength and courage.
You CAN do this, ditch that bottle in the fridge before it becomes a problem...
Stay safe
NGB
Noone will judge you here, remember we've all been through the mill one way or another. The one thing we all have in common is we came out the other side fighting and determined to get better!!!
Congrats on 42 days, that's excellent!
Asking for support is not a sign of weakness, to me it shows strength and courage.
You CAN do this, ditch that bottle in the fridge before it becomes a problem...
Stay safe
NGB
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
There's some great advice here littlebear.
All I'll add is - you deserve to be happy.
The past may seem like an insoluble burden but with courage, determination and a little faith you really can change the way you feel and lay down that weight.
You really can write a new ending to your story
Drinking never helped you solve anything. Give not drinking a go, ok?
D
All I'll add is - you deserve to be happy.
The past may seem like an insoluble burden but with courage, determination and a little faith you really can change the way you feel and lay down that weight.
You really can write a new ending to your story
Drinking never helped you solve anything. Give not drinking a go, ok?
D
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