Concerned BF in Recovery is slipping into old habits

Old 03-29-2015, 09:16 AM
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Concerned BF in Recovery is slipping into old habits

My boyfriend of 11 years has been sober for 3 years. I am very concerned because I see him slipping back into some of his old habits. I have tried to address them with him but he gets very defensive. After 3 years, he has still only gone through step 3 of the program. He was told by his sponsor that most people do take some to complete step 4 because it is complicated and difficult. So I've tried to be understanding. However, he has made no attempts to do so.

Over the past 8 months or so, I see regression in him. He has returned to some old habits that scare me. I find him using me as a doormat again. If he's had a bad day, he takes it out on me by snapping at everything I say. He lies about things both big and small. He is very critical of me. I feel like I can not do or say anything right. When I try to address these issues, he becomes defensive and reacts as if it is all my fault. Everything is about him again. If I try to talk about work or other problems, he doesn't want to hear. Everything going on with him is more important than things going on with me. The whole "center of attention" thing has returned. He is making self-destructive decisions again as well. He has an old girlfriend who has never been anything but bad news for him and he knows it. He is back in touch with her via Facebook. I know for a fact that nothing has happened between them but he always used her to hurt other people and used his drinking to hurt her. This is the first time he's been back in touch with her since sobriety. And she is once again trying to cause problems in our relationship. He knows it but doesn't seem to care. He is down a destructive path and it scares me. Both for us and for him.

I acknowledge that over the past year we both became distant from each other, it is not all his fault. I went through a period where some medication I was on made me a little difficult to live with but nowhere close to what I went through with his drinking. Now, this situation with his ex has made me revert back to old, bad habits as well. Paranoia, constantly nagging him about where he is and who he is talking to.

He has been talking to his daughter (24 years old) about our problems but won't sit down and have a mature conversation with me. It turns into the same ridiculous, childish bickering that we would go through when he was drinking. I do believe a major reason for this regression is because he is not working the program. I have found bringing that up only makes him angrier. I would love to speak to his sponsor and explain to him the things I am seeing but I know I can not do that. I know for a fact he is not drinking again but I fear he will. What do I do?
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:29 AM
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It sounds like it isn't a great relationship, regardless of whether he's drinking or not. Is there a reason you feel you must continue to hang in there, in spite of the fact that the relationship is painful to you? I know you've been with him a long time, but sometimes relationships just fail, even when alcoholism isn't in the picture. You aren't obligated to wait until he drinks again. He might never do that--he might just continue to behave the way he is right now. Meanwhile, you're unhappy and not getting what you need and deserve in a relationship.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:59 AM
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[QUOTE=LexieCat;5289255]Is there a reason you feel you must continue to hang in there, in spite of the fact that the relationship is painful to you?

My point of view is that we just had a difficult year. Every long-term relationship has rough times. I have owned up to the things I could do better and he KNOWS things he is doing are wrong. He tells me he won't do these things anymore but then still does them. I guess the reason I attach these things to his drinking is because he hasn't behaved this way since he stopped drinking. We were a little distant from each other but the things I mentioned that he's doing have only been in the past 5 months. We got into a fight last weekend about the ex and he left the house to go to his AA club. It is a place that he has access to all the time and there is almost always friends of his there. When he got home, he claimed he went to a bar and tried to order a drink but some friends stopped him and he played pool for a couple hours. The truth is, he did go to his club, not a bar. He tried to make me feel guilty that he almost drank even though it wasn't true.

When I ask him if he wants me to leave, he doesn't. So neither of us is so unhappy that we want to break up. I brought up couples counseling today and he didn't completely shoot it down like I expected him to. So I guess that's a good sign. I just worry that he won't be honest with the counselor either. The lying and denial, again, are things that he hasn't done since he found sobriety. Is it ever okay to address a sponsor with concerns?
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by skwgtb View Post
Is it ever okay to address a sponsor with concerns?
No, I don't think it is. I think I might call a sponsor if he were actually drinking, to see if the sponsor might be able to get him back to a meeting, and back on track--or if he were suicidal or there were a similar emergency. But alerting a sponsor to "dry drunk"-type behavior is out of line, IMO. I've been around AA for a very long time (first husband is sober 35 years, I'm sober six and a half), and I think it would lead to huge resentment from him, and maybe disrupt his relationship with his sponsor. Best to stay out of it.

Well, maybe the counseling will do some good. I didn't mean to suggest you shouldn't try to mend the relationship, if there are good reasons to keep trying. Some people have had success with relationship counseling. I'm just not one of them.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:34 AM
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Unhappy

I've never seriously considered contacting his sponsor. I just wish I could. But I understand why I can't. I am just so frustrated but more than that, worried about him.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:39 AM
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I know. It's a really helpless feeling, isn't it?

Are you involved in Al-Anon? If not, now might be a good time...
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:43 AM
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Do you have a sponsor? Are you working a program in Alanon? Where are you at in the steps? Does that seem intrusive? It does to me.
His program is his business, whether he's working it or not is his business. Your business is to understand why you have become so fixated on him and his drinking/sobriety and have accepted a relationship with a man who doesn't seem capable of having a mature adult relationship whether he's drinking or not.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:47 AM
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skwgtb.....don't think that you just have to walk on eggshells or just tolerate his bad moods. Especially, you don't have to be the constant recipient of his bad moods.

You might be right...he might be getting ready for a relapse or he might be sipping on the side or whatever....

Have you expressed your feelings to him (I am surmising that you have).
Do you have any boundaries for yourself in place---what you will do if he continues to be nasty to you...or if he drinks...or hooks up with the ex.....

Bottom line...he is going to do what he wants to do, anyway. The question becomes--what are you going to do.

Don't ever h and your power over to someone else.....

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Old 03-29-2015, 11:05 AM
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dandylion, I have expressed myself but admittedly, not very well sometimes. He won't talk to me but he doesn't want me to leave. He won't just tell me what it is he DOES want. And I am just very worried about pushing him too far. I do not "fixate" on him as speculated. And I do not hold his sobriety as my responsibility. His attempt to make me feel guilty failed where as it would have worked before. On the other hand, I don't ever want to be a threat to it.

I am in Al-Anon but am currently without a sponsor as she quit. I am looking for another one. I am on Step 9.
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Old 03-29-2015, 11:40 AM
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skwgtb....I hear you. I am just speaking from the point of view that says that the alcoholic often becomes the most "important" person in the family or the relationship.
The central person.

I just didn't want you to forget that you are just as important as him. You need to be seen and heard and treated with respect. You need to know that you matter.

LOL! I realize that I am talking about relationships 101.
Thanks for being patient with my beating on the subject........lol.....

dandylion has now removed herself from the soapbox.

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Old 03-29-2015, 01:56 PM
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Working the program is completely up to him. It sounds like the relationship isn't working. Have you considered Alanon? It saved my sanity, helped me deal with my codependence and get the help I needed to deal with my own issues.
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