TomTom75

I posted this on someone else's thread but thought I'd ask my own as I don't want to hijack his thread.I know I will get honest opinions so thanks in advance. I am two weeks in and been to 3 meetings . One yesterday cos I was bored and that can lead to trouble for me. I enjoy the welcome and the stories although I may feel after a while that I can't take too much of them. I stand at the prayer at the end out of respect but I won't ever say that. The twelve steps I'm not going to do but a lot of the principles I know makes sense and can incorporate in my recovery. I mentioned this to the "sharer" at the break yesterday and she said said to her friend "this one thinks he can do it himself without the steps", basically saying I will fail.I know she was trying to be helpful. So I am going to meetings when and if I want and taking from them what I need for as long as I need. When I'm there I will help others as much as I can on here and in life. I'm the kind of person who needs that, to do things my own way. I'll not sit at the table and share although I may speak from my seat. I need opinions.

silentrun

Get the help you need and don't take what people say personally. Every time someone expressed a strong opinion I didn't agree with I went into defense mode. That was frustrating and a waste of time. I hung around the AA section of this forum and the Secular connections section. If you are done with it you are done. You still probably need to buy yourself some time before your brain is up and working properly so however you do that is up to you.

FreeOwl

I'm that way too.

The upshot was I eventually quit going to meetings and then went on a progressively awful year and a half binge.

When I came back to AA I took it more seriously. I'm still doing it my way. I'm working the steps gradually and alongside a busy life and other aspects of recovery.... But by bit. Step one took months of gradual work, counselog and journaling. I've been on step four now about three and a half months. A a lot of opinionated old timers tell me I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I am, but it's working for me. I don't go every day or even every week.... I work my own program but I stay true to the principles.

That said - I recognize now with the benefit of time, relapse and working the steps; my avoidance of the steps in the beginning was my own unwillingness to get really honest and active and it was the fear of my inner addict that was holding me back.

Anna

If AA works for you that's fine. If not, there are other ways to achieve sobriety and recovery. If you choose to take some parts of AA into your recovery program, that's fine too. The main thing is to find what works for you to keep you in recovery.

LBrain

The person who referred to you as "this one" was not being helpful at all.

I just erased the rest of my post because:
A) I didn't want it removed.
B) I didn't wish to start an argument.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

IOAA2

Hi.
There used to be a question by old timers a lot of years ago “how soon do you want to get better? Our way is positive and overall quicker than most who want to do it their way.”

I see the same thing today. It seems some like to suffer more than others. It’s a personal choice.

BE WELL

Bmac

What Anna said. I go to AA simply to be around like minded people. I am not a "steps" person nor am I a huge fan of the big book. But I do love the company of those whose ultimate goal is the same as mine.

The important thing for me is that I have to do something different than when I was drinking. I can't solve a problem using the same understanding and perceptions that led me into that problem in the first place.

Nowsthetime

Use it to fuel your sobriety. Only YOU can write your destiny. I had a similar thing happened to me when I told an AAer that I don't go to meeting or do the steps. Nobody knows, only YOU know what works for you. I'm with LBrainy in this one...

anattaboy

I still have a few toes in the door with AA as I go like..once in awhile. I've learned to not get too hung up on the dogmatism--they mean well but don't know how to express it outside of their belief system. The 2 atheists (yes, I have more than once proclaimed it and refuted Bill's patronizing tone regarding us'm) that used to attend have moved so it's a bit lonely but I smile and ask how folks are doing anyway. When asked I tell what I'm doing (life and SR). I still have a sponsor as he hasn't fired me nor I him but he knows my stance on celestial lobotomies and doing the hokey-pokey. We talk about our dogs and cars--guy stuff. I can get something out of a meeting if I haven't been in awhile as it's easier to hear the human struggle despite the BB-talk. If I go to a reading-meeting I can't get past Bill's BS and poor writing so I don't go to those anymore. I don't know---may quit that addiction eventually but for now them folks are much like me.

Fluffer

Don't know where you are posting from, but at least in some larger American cities they have meetings of other support groups such as SMART, Secular Organization for Sobriety, Women for Sobriety and Lifering. These are probably better suited for those who find the 12-step pseudo-religious content offputting.

PurpleKnight

There's many methods to remaining Sober, there isn't just the one!!

The key is to find something that works for you, the goal is Sobriety at the end of the day, but how that is achieved can be varied!!

Joe Nerv

I am one who firmly believes you should take what you need, and leave the rest. And if what you take winds up not working, then come back and take the rest .

I highly recommend picking up the book Living Sober, if you haven't already. It's available at most AA meetings (at least around my parts), or it can be found for pennies on Amazon. It's a book full of practical tools for staying sober that focuses on things outside of the 12 steps. And the tools work.

It's easy reading too.

Frixion

Just because you feel that the dogmatic AA groups are not the path that suites you doesn't mean that all AA groups should be disregarded. There are AA groups that focus more on alternative methods of sobriety. Note though that sometimes AA isn't a useful tool for some, although having some sort of a support system in place is important.

Sobriety is allowed to be an exciting journey, and should challenge you. Some people are content with solely using the steps/ traditions as their method of maintaining sobriety, while others look for more unique methods that suite their core believes. Learn the lessons from multiple methods, and what ever helps keep using those methods, and what ever doesn't try something different.

zerothehero

I'm fifteen months sober. In that fifteen months I have attended four AA meetings. I always leave conflicted, but I was proud to get a one year chip.

I think the key is to find and adopt a method that will work for you. For me it is vipassana practice. Some call it mindfulness. Some call it Buddhism. I call it mental health.

TomTom75

I'll look for it thanks

TomTom75

All very helpful I am glad I posted. It feels like a minefield at first this journey but I am glad I posted this. I am going to find my path.

RobbyRobot

My opinion is the sharer has likely judged you by her own evaluations of AA standards. It is a common enough motto amongst AA members / fellowship that not making good practice of the 12 steps is sure failure of sobriety in the making. It's looked down upon.

Attending AA in early sobriety is whatever you want it to be as far as how involved you do or don't become. It's all on you. Doesn't mean you won't get strong suggestions to be more involved, which is only natural I suppose given the fellowship. And of course, not as welcome, but you'll likely even be told you're wasting your time at AA if you don't make good use of the steps.

I have completed the 12 steps many years ago. I use them everyday because they still work well in my chosen sober lifestyle. The thing with the AA steps, is what you get out of the steps is AA sobriety. Kind of like if you go to a Catholic church you won't get an Anglican experience in religion. I think too often, people in attendance in AA talk about sobriety as if AA is the one and only (ie the best). I'll say its best for me, since I practice the steps, but I won't say its best for everybody because it simply isn't true.

In AA you want to be in meetings with members who appreciate your right to "do AA" as you see fit. Sure, it's great to ask fellow members for help, and to offer help in return on how to practice the steps. For me though, as soon as any AA member says without the steps being the whole deal and nothing but the deal in AA, I walk away from such noise.

Doing the steps must be by choice, otherwise the whole effort is useless, and worse than useless. I say do them with everything you got, or don't do them at all is what is best moving forward. Seems kind of cold, eh? You might be surprised how many members say they are practicing the steps, and they actually only talk the talk. The steps do work, so working the steps would bring amazing change and revolution. When that doesn't happen, the writing is on the wall for all to see, yes?

So, feel free to attend AA and not do the steps. I respect your honesty and sincerity. You're walking your talk. For those in AA just taking, I have empathy. Before I quit for good and always, I too was just talking.

Congratulations on your two weeks TomTom. Keep going, quitting really does work.

TennantSmith

I'm also a believer in mindfulness and finding the method(s) that work for you. Best of wishes to you.

TomTom75

Thanks Robby for that balanced reply and everyone else. I wasn't offended when the lady said what she did. I know in myself it's not for me although I appreciated the share etc. I have a guy who I met at first meeting and he's great, he believed in the higher power although not religious. I am religious and will use that side of things to help me but it will be personal. I will have a chat with him and use what other support I have too, including here. It is an amazing tool this, cos you are all great.

Aellyce

My approach has been similar, TomTom and it's a good question for me as well. I also generally like to do things "my way" (whatever that means in a specific situation) rather than following precise prescriptions, in most things that allow this type of experimentation. My opinion is that if it works for you and gives you the desired result, and you are genuinely happy with the result, then do it whatever way you like, if it does not cause harm to anyone and brings progress to you. The potential problem comes of course when our own interpretations and methods don't work, or stop working after a while. Now how we define "it's working" or "it's not working" can sometimes be tricky beyond the most obvious (we remain abstinent from alcohol or not). I've been going back and forth and in all sorts of circles myself during my recovery... that I do appreciate a lot of the 12-step program, but then I want to take what I like from it and leave the rest, don't want to follow an externally set schedule and format etc. So I've been doing what you've been doing: going to meetings sometimes, talking with people, but not integrating myself into the program or into the lifestyle it suggests in terms of AA participation. To be honest, in my case I think this is a manifestation of my "commitment phobia" (one manifestation of the many) and I manage to justify the approach because I have not picked up a drink since the initial decision. But there is a reason why I keep going back to investigate this decision/question... something(s) I feel is missing from my recovery and from my internal peace, my integrity etc... something that I am looking for and have not found yet. So like a few of us on this thread, I also tend to say do whatever works and don't worry about/leave the rest. The challenge, for me, is more defining the "what works" part at this stage of my recovery especially, beyond the obvious "not drinking" part. I definitely think that this has to come from within, based on your honest feelings and evaluation, and not in some kind of fearful response to anyone's criticism. I usually find it useful to listen to criticism and good counsel though and see if it can suggest anything I don't quite see yet or perhaps not rightly. I would say don't get too hung up on it though, use and follow your instincts if you generally feel they lead you constructively.