petmagnet

I have been off and on here for over 2 years. I have been trying to hang on through all of my functioning AH's problems stemming from his binge drinking. I have been through 2 rounds of out patient rehab, as well as a month long inpatient rehab stint with him. I have hoped and prayed and kept thinking each time would be it. After his 2nd DUI I'd honestly hoped he'd hit his rock bottom. He did well in his outpatient program for about 7 months, but then I began to see a change in his attitude again. He missed drinking and felt sorry for himself that he couldn't drink like the "rest of the world". I've concluded that despite all this man's amazing talents and gifts, he is a very unhappy person. A person that will never change. He cannot see a life without the drink and the partying long term. He knows what he should do, but cannot resign himself to it permanently. He is now once again entertaining the thought that can drink off and on without spiraling out of control. He's been drinking again off and on for the last 3 months and I can already see its only a matter of time before it goes back to the level it was.

My final straw was that we were to meet in Vegas a week ago for a wedding and he missed his flight out because he was too drunk to use the blow device in his car and had to call a cab which made him late. He then showed up to our hotel even drunker because he sat at the airport bar feeling sorry for himself for missing the flight. When I saw him and his condition, I left the hotel immediately, and took the next flight home, I knew I was done for good.

I have given this man endless chances. I have held on because a part of me still loves and respects the person he can be. However, I can no longer live with the unpredictability and mental pain his disease causes the rest of us.
I saw an attorney and I have filed for a divorce after 24 years of marriage. I know I will be ok, but I am still scared as hell. I have been a stay home mom for 18 years. I have to totally reinvent myself, go back to school at age 46 and try to find something that I can do. I am looking or a new place to live and my husband is moving out to an apt. next weekend so we can get our current home fixed up and sold ASAP.

I am so sad. In the long run I knew this would probably happen. I didn't expect him to be so happy about it though. I know he wanted the divorce now too, because he's not fighting it at all. Ready to cut his losses and just get out. He views me as the stumbling block to what he wants, the booze. I don't think he even realizes that though. He just knows he's unhappy with me for some reason. So far we have agreed to cooperate and try to split amicably and fairly, for the sake of our kids and future events. He's telling family and friends we are splitting because we are not compatible anymore. I'm telling them We are splitting because I can't take the mental and emotional uncertainty stemming from his drinking issues.

Sorry to ramble. Just needed to vent. I hate to say this, but those involved with a loved one stuck in addiction... this is not any easy road, nor does it end well in most cases from what I have seen. I gave it everything I had mentally and emotionally for 11 long years in this addiction cycle. Part of me still loves him deeply and hopes that he does find his peace with out alcohol, but it's time for me to take care of myself and my one child I have left at home. I'm finally getting off this merry-go-round.

LexieCat

I'm both sorry and glad to read your update. Sorry he has gone back to drinking and that you are in a position where you have to end your marriage. Happy because it sounds as if you are making a wise choice for yourself, and one that you can live with, knowing you've done what is in your power to do to save it.

It will be a very big adjustment, but one you can make. From where I sit, 46 is still young. There will be a lot of women your age doing the same thing when you go back to school. And even though it's scary, it's also exciting to have a chance to do some re-inventing. It's a chance to figure out who you are and what you really WANT to do.

And another big plus is that it doesn't sound like you will have a horrible, ugly divorce. That's HUGE. I hope you will be entitled to a good bit of financial support--you've had a long marriage and devoted yourself to raising your kids.

Hugs, I hope you will stick around. Sounds like you've made some excellent decisions.

Kafkaesque

Petmagnet, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I can't offer an advice on your situation, but I want you to know I am thinking about you and I am sending my best wishes to you and your family. Your story touched me deeply and I agree with LexieCat- I, too, hope you will stick around SR.

Katchie

You and I are so very similar. I know it's hard, but you are showing amazing strength. You will get thru this!

Hugs

marie1960

Be strong, petmagnet, life maybe stormy now, just know , it can't rain forever.

It's going to be ok, baby steps, friend.

dandylion

petmagnet.....I am going to give you the good news: Even though you are so scared of being on your own, you are going to find out that it is sooo much easier than being with an alcoholic in denial.

dandylion

honeypig

Petmagnet, I wish you all the best. As others have said, it's too bad your A hasn't found recovery, but it's wonderful to hear how strong and centered you sound. You know what you know, you know what you need to do, and you are doing it.

Thanks for sharing your clear vision here. I hope you'll stop by to share your further progress and let us know how the reinvented Petmagnet is doing.

Wishing you continued clarity, strength and wisdom in the days to come.

This ^^^ is for you--and (((hugs))) to you!

maia1234

Pet, welcome!

You can an do this. You don't have to hate your stbxah. He's probably a great guy, sober.

I just accomplished what you are starting to tackle. Here is a little blurb. Just got a divorce from xah after 34 years together, 26 married. I am 50 years old with 2 kids. I didn't really have a good job and we didn't have a lot of money. I had the same disappointments from x also. Finally got tired of it. Filed for divorce through mediation, sold my home by owner, bought a place on my own. I did it, still loving the x. I hate to say, life is so peaceful, I have been sleeping, ever since I was in my new home, alone.

If you go to the a forum, you will understand the battles they go through. He doesn't want the divorce, really, because he will have to take control of his life, probably something u have been doing for along time. He feels guilty and has no strength left in him to fight. Life for him just gives him permission to drink but they say the quicker the sicker. (life is not so rosy for the alcoholic, mentally and physically)

I hate to say you have enabled him to drink, and the best thing for him to truly hit rock bottom is being on his own. They say to give him to God and Move on. You never know if he will get his act together and one day you will be togeter, he does now what sobriety is like. (Unlike my x) hugs my friend. Keep posting, you can do this!!

Butterfly

((((((Hugs)))))). I'm sorry that it had to reach this point. You sound as though your an incredibly strong person. You've mentioned everything you've done for him and the support you've given what are you doing for you. Do you have support??

petmagnet

Hi,
Sorry it took me so long to get back and respond. Things are moving a the speed of light around here. I have found another home to live in with my daughter, and beloved pets, so we can get out, get this one fixed up, on the market, and hopefully sold ASAP. Thanks so much for all the kind words of support. I cannot tell you how comforting it is to know that people truly understand and actually "know" the experience so many of us have been through or live with. I do have a lot of support from my friends, as well as his family too, as they are all aware of his demons. No one is angry with me, it's quite the opposite, most can't believe how long I stayed.

Yes, my STBXAH is a wonderful, generous, loving man when he is sober. He has always been a great provider and loves his kids. He still is, and does. That Is the reason this decision has been so difficult. I held on to that if he ever did get sober... what an awesome guy he'd be, it just didn't happen, nor may it ever. Unfortunately, the flip side of him really isn't all that fun or nice, especially when we are fighting about it all the time. The 46 yr old party boy personality just isn't all that charming anymore. We have had a lot of bad water flow under that bridge.

I will keep in touch here and let you know how things are coming along. Hopefully it will be positive, I know we all need that too. It's always good to hear something good coming out of this devastating disease. I'm still not sure there is "good" quite yet, all I feel is sadness and stress right now, but I am trying so hard to stay positive. I know I will be ok, and have faith that God has a plan for us. My prayers go out to all of you who are still fighting for the person who is wrapped up in this disease. It sucks, and is so incredibly hard to understand. But please, do not forget about yourself in all of this, your happiness and PEACE matter too. It took me a long time to figure that out.

Thanks again, Petmagnet

SadInTX

Thank you so much for posting your story. I am in awe of your courage and strength. It sounds like you just got to that point where you were done...there wasn't anything else you could do for him or your marriage. I wish I was where you are at, but reading your story gave me some hope that I will be....I am miserable right now in my situation and just so scared to make a wrong decision. Please keep us posted. Peace and hugs to you...

firebolt

Ya - peace, strength (doesn't sound like you need much of that), hugs, and excitement about your new life headed your way. Thanks for the inspiration, and best to you and your child!