It's Easy To Blame An Alcoholic
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It's Easy To Blame An Alcoholic
Interested to know what people think. I come from a dysfunctional and abusive family. My father was abusive, but going back even further my mother was terribly irresponsible. And a terribly bad mother. Every year my children grow older enforces my long held suspicions.
Fast forward to today. One of my biggest mistakes I feel was admitting to my parents that I had a problem with alcohol. Because my father has latched onto that (that's one thing) but also my mother - since she made off with my life savings- has been painting a picture to my siblings and the community at large that of course, I was the problem all along. I witnessed her doing this. I told her I was sexually abused as a child (by a girl so I don't know if that even counts) , of course she said "Oh I wouldn't go saying that to any counsellors, pay a private one for that"…
And I know how her mind works. She has crafted an elaborate story of victimhood over the years to counsellors and the like but I know this not to be the case. I can see the wheels spinning in her mind, every single word she utters to anyone is part of an elaborate scheme in her head. This is why we have never got along. I spent a lot of time in other peoples homes growing up. And when I was very young, she was never around I was basically unsupervised/ abandoned/ lost? I'm still trying to make send of my childhood. Yes it is sad, but now my child is caught in the middle which is even worse.
My ex is similar, although to a much lesser extent. For example, when I found out she was cheating 2 years ago she denied everything then left me with the kid in her apartment for a few days and said she would be back in two weeks. A few days in, I left the kid to her sister and went for a few drinks (the doctors always said I was self medicating anyway), so she timed it that when a relative of mine called over, she sent her sister up to say we had to leave. And from then on she made out to my family that it was because I had a problem with drink. Back to my original point...
Its easy to blame an alcoholic, right? The blame game. Not even sure that I am that, I had epiphanies that I needed to be away from abusive people in order to get my life back on track. My life is destroyed. I have never known happiness outside of my parenting, or on drugs. Peace
Fast forward to today. One of my biggest mistakes I feel was admitting to my parents that I had a problem with alcohol. Because my father has latched onto that (that's one thing) but also my mother - since she made off with my life savings- has been painting a picture to my siblings and the community at large that of course, I was the problem all along. I witnessed her doing this. I told her I was sexually abused as a child (by a girl so I don't know if that even counts) , of course she said "Oh I wouldn't go saying that to any counsellors, pay a private one for that"…
And I know how her mind works. She has crafted an elaborate story of victimhood over the years to counsellors and the like but I know this not to be the case. I can see the wheels spinning in her mind, every single word she utters to anyone is part of an elaborate scheme in her head. This is why we have never got along. I spent a lot of time in other peoples homes growing up. And when I was very young, she was never around I was basically unsupervised/ abandoned/ lost? I'm still trying to make send of my childhood. Yes it is sad, but now my child is caught in the middle which is even worse.
My ex is similar, although to a much lesser extent. For example, when I found out she was cheating 2 years ago she denied everything then left me with the kid in her apartment for a few days and said she would be back in two weeks. A few days in, I left the kid to her sister and went for a few drinks (the doctors always said I was self medicating anyway), so she timed it that when a relative of mine called over, she sent her sister up to say we had to leave. And from then on she made out to my family that it was because I had a problem with drink. Back to my original point...
Its easy to blame an alcoholic, right? The blame game. Not even sure that I am that, I had epiphanies that I needed to be away from abusive people in order to get my life back on track. My life is destroyed. I have never known happiness outside of my parenting, or on drugs. Peace
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Meant write that I have never known happiness outside of my own parenting, which is where I tried to put my life's focus up until his mother upped sticks and moved out of town and I had no recourse: Or alternatively, while on drugs...
Which is something I've always known, and also where I tried to put a lot of my life focus after the aforementioned event above. You get the idea. Not just happiness either but peace, love, harmony, stability, family life etc I could go on...
Which is something I've always known, and also where I tried to put a lot of my life focus after the aforementioned event above. You get the idea. Not just happiness either but peace, love, harmony, stability, family life etc I could go on...
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Hi Strat.
We talked about your mother and others you struggle with before... it's probably not an "accident" that your mom and ex have some similar characteristics. Yes, some people like to manipulate and blame others to try to appear "superior" themselves, gain their advantage, and sweep own problems under the rug. If you look at it closely, it's usually very clear that these behaviors derive from their own deep insecurities. In my mind, people who habitually behave this way would need help just like we do for addictions... manipulating others in order to nourish their own image and gain can also become addictive and just as hard to stop as it is to quit substance abuse. So you tried to be honest with your family and it did not work out in a positive way for you, and you are of course full of anger about the whole thing. That's perfectly normal. Unfortunately, if they don't want to change, there is nothing you can do and probably it's best to set up solid boundaries with these people. I know it's hard because usually in these situations there is a lot of interdependence that is not easy to break just overnight, but I think it's the only way. Exactly because of what you described: we cannot be happy and thrive in a condition/environment full of abuse and manipulation.
Obviously everyone seems to have made mistakes in this story of yours, but you cannot fix others' faults and you also cannot change how they think about you, your relationship, and old events. You can direct your own present and future though... and maybe here the way to go is to do everything you can, as best as you can, about the issues with your kid. Of course alcoholism is always something that weighs in heavily in interpersonal and legal battles. You can't change that either, other than staying sober and working on your new life and attitude. Unfortunately, as you know, the outcome is not under your control. Of course the saddest thing is that the innocent (your kid) also suffers... but you can only do so much to change that quickly.
I would really keep your mother and others who behave the way you describe at arm's length, if possible at all. Also, have you tried to post about these things here in the F&F forums? I think you would find understanding and good suggestions there from people with similar experiences.
I completely agree that you would need to be away from abusive people and focus on doing what you can do. The question is, how can you achieve that? Staying sober is of course one important thing. Probably seeking the company of supportive, sober people IRL might also help, if for nothing else, to distract your mind from the troubles and to give you some live examples and direction to follow for the sake of your own peace and happiness?
We talked about your mother and others you struggle with before... it's probably not an "accident" that your mom and ex have some similar characteristics. Yes, some people like to manipulate and blame others to try to appear "superior" themselves, gain their advantage, and sweep own problems under the rug. If you look at it closely, it's usually very clear that these behaviors derive from their own deep insecurities. In my mind, people who habitually behave this way would need help just like we do for addictions... manipulating others in order to nourish their own image and gain can also become addictive and just as hard to stop as it is to quit substance abuse. So you tried to be honest with your family and it did not work out in a positive way for you, and you are of course full of anger about the whole thing. That's perfectly normal. Unfortunately, if they don't want to change, there is nothing you can do and probably it's best to set up solid boundaries with these people. I know it's hard because usually in these situations there is a lot of interdependence that is not easy to break just overnight, but I think it's the only way. Exactly because of what you described: we cannot be happy and thrive in a condition/environment full of abuse and manipulation.
Obviously everyone seems to have made mistakes in this story of yours, but you cannot fix others' faults and you also cannot change how they think about you, your relationship, and old events. You can direct your own present and future though... and maybe here the way to go is to do everything you can, as best as you can, about the issues with your kid. Of course alcoholism is always something that weighs in heavily in interpersonal and legal battles. You can't change that either, other than staying sober and working on your new life and attitude. Unfortunately, as you know, the outcome is not under your control. Of course the saddest thing is that the innocent (your kid) also suffers... but you can only do so much to change that quickly.
I would really keep your mother and others who behave the way you describe at arm's length, if possible at all. Also, have you tried to post about these things here in the F&F forums? I think you would find understanding and good suggestions there from people with similar experiences.
I completely agree that you would need to be away from abusive people and focus on doing what you can do. The question is, how can you achieve that? Staying sober is of course one important thing. Probably seeking the company of supportive, sober people IRL might also help, if for nothing else, to distract your mind from the troubles and to give you some live examples and direction to follow for the sake of your own peace and happiness?
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I think we just need to focus on our own journey Strat, we can't change people's opinions, but through time and putting a lot of distance between our old life and our new life relationships can be healed and trust rebuilt!!
Hang in there!!
Hang in there!!
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Originally Posted by Stratman1 
I was sexually abused as a child (by a girl so I don't know if that even counts)
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I read a book called Toxic Parents which I found helped me a lot in my dealings with them and also tried to learn that their problems are not mine, or mine to fix. I have a lot of blame for my parents too and often think about what if. It doesn't seem to help me get off the merry go round of thoughts. Ive been off the alcohol for almost 18 months and a lot of scary emotional stuff keeps rearing its ugly head and I have to keep reminding myself that maybe I need to feel the truth of my deep feelings before I can recover fully. I'm not keen n having my memory work so well but it's better than using alcohol to self medicate the emotional pain, for me. Be good to yourself and kind to your Inner Child. Sometimes the most exquisite pleasure is borne from pain.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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It's victim blaming. My parents do the same thing which is why I went no contact with them many many years ago. The perpetrator blames the victim- then they are the victim of their bad child, what did they ever do to deserve this? then if you grow up to have a flaw, it's all on you. They had nothin' to do with it. I was told by my father to stop being a victim. Fine, how about I beat the s*** out of you black and blue a few times and we'll see about that?
My mother's an utter psycho btw. Workplace bully, child abuser, stemming from childhood- I was told she used to enjoy tormenting animals. She tormented my pets in front of me as a kid. Very scary.
I read "Surviving a Borderline Parent". Very much an eye opener.
My mother's an utter psycho btw. Workplace bully, child abuser, stemming from childhood- I was told she used to enjoy tormenting animals. She tormented my pets in front of me as a kid. Very scary.
I read "Surviving a Borderline Parent". Very much an eye opener.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
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I deal with similar and remind myself:
"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about “justifiable” anger? If somebody cheats us, aren’t we entitled to be mad? Can’t we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it."
(Bill W/Tom P)
I don't handle anger well. If it goes on long enough I might find myself saying "I need a drink." Going to any length to get rid of anger in healthy ways literally means saving my life. Part of the way I do that is paying attention to the Serenity prayer... the whole thing... not just the first couple of lines.
"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about “justifiable” anger? If somebody cheats us, aren’t we entitled to be mad? Can’t we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it."
(Bill W/Tom P)
I don't handle anger well. If it goes on long enough I might find myself saying "I need a drink." Going to any length to get rid of anger in healthy ways literally means saving my life. Part of the way I do that is paying attention to the Serenity prayer... the whole thing... not just the first couple of lines.
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I do feel for you. Life and people can be completely s**t at times. When we lose our virtual hug 'alcohol' is can seem even more apparent and for a while I did find it all completely unbearable and I scared myself with my desire to escape it altogether and never wake up. Dark times 
Thankfully, since then, I have been very fortunate in getting help (some 1:1 counselling, but mostly AA / 12-steps) and I'm starting to feel that it WILL be possible to walk away from my past, and that I can have a happy and serene future.
One of the things I've really struggled with have been some old resentments about a teacher / family friend who sexually abused me as a young adolescent, and my mums reaction (dismissive - 'don't tell your father') when I finally got up the courage to tell her about it. The thing I realised was that my anger wasn't hurting the abuser (who in all likelihood is probably dead by now) or my mother. My resentment was hurting ME. So, although my resentment was 'justified', it was also a little insane, as it meant that effectively I was punishing myself for years and years, for something that wasn't my fault, and I had now escaped from.
There have been some AA tools that I have used to help me with this, and my inner rage has MOSTLY subsided, but I still have to keep a watch over this resentment as it has a tendency to sneakily build back up again and bite me on the bum when I'm at my most tired or vulnerable...
1 - The quote in the post above that Turtle82 sent
2 - This, from some Step 4 literature (don't know which as I've noted it in my journal for reinforcement when I need it)...'The myth of the "justified" resentment: It is likely that on occasion we will feel that we are on the receiving end of an injustice so great that we are entitled to feel resentful. Well, the answer is that we are always entitled to feel resentful about anything we like, just or unjust, but it never does us any good.
3 - The resentment prayer (I use this a LOT as I am a very grudging and resentful person generally, and find it hard to deal with resentments , esp those that I see as 'justified'. As always in AA, it is agreed that the word God means different things to different people. I believe some people even take the God bits out and treat it as more of a meditation type focus. For me and others it refers to our 'Higher Power' )... Dear God, I have a resentment towards a person that I want to be free of.
So, I am asking you to give this person everything I want for myself.
Help me to feel compassionate understanding and love for this person.
I pray that they will receive everything they need.
Thank you God for your help and strength with this resentment.
(We are told that if we say this, even if we don't feel that we mean it at the time, we will start to feel the resentment lift from us. A bit like a Resentment Stain Remover - sometimes it needs multiple applications!!)
I hope you start to feel more hopeful soon.
Thankfully, since then, I have been very fortunate in getting help (some 1:1 counselling, but mostly AA / 12-steps) and I'm starting to feel that it WILL be possible to walk away from my past, and that I can have a happy and serene future.One of the things I've really struggled with have been some old resentments about a teacher / family friend who sexually abused me as a young adolescent, and my mums reaction (dismissive - 'don't tell your father') when I finally got up the courage to tell her about it. The thing I realised was that my anger wasn't hurting the abuser (who in all likelihood is probably dead by now) or my mother. My resentment was hurting ME. So, although my resentment was 'justified', it was also a little insane, as it meant that effectively I was punishing myself for years and years, for something that wasn't my fault, and I had now escaped from.
There have been some AA tools that I have used to help me with this, and my inner rage has MOSTLY subsided, but I still have to keep a watch over this resentment as it has a tendency to sneakily build back up again and bite me on the bum when I'm at my most tired or vulnerable...
1 - The quote in the post above that Turtle82 sent
2 - This, from some Step 4 literature (don't know which as I've noted it in my journal for reinforcement when I need it)...'The myth of the "justified" resentment: It is likely that on occasion we will feel that we are on the receiving end of an injustice so great that we are entitled to feel resentful. Well, the answer is that we are always entitled to feel resentful about anything we like, just or unjust, but it never does us any good.
3 - The resentment prayer (I use this a LOT as I am a very grudging and resentful person generally, and find it hard to deal with resentments , esp those that I see as 'justified'. As always in AA, it is agreed that the word God means different things to different people. I believe some people even take the God bits out and treat it as more of a meditation type focus. For me and others it refers to our 'Higher Power' )... Dear God, I have a resentment towards a person that I want to be free of.
So, I am asking you to give this person everything I want for myself.
Help me to feel compassionate understanding and love for this person.
I pray that they will receive everything they need.
Thank you God for your help and strength with this resentment.
(We are told that if we say this, even if we don't feel that we mean it at the time, we will start to feel the resentment lift from us. A bit like a Resentment Stain Remover - sometimes it needs multiple applications!!)
I hope you start to feel more hopeful soon.
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some great stuff here Strat. I can't add to any of it except to say things got a lot better once I let go of what other people thought about me.
Now, I dunno if Sir Anthony actually said this or not...but it's not just another pithy internet aphorism. The path to real serenity starts here I reckon.
D
Now, I dunno if Sir Anthony actually said this or not...but it's not just another pithy internet aphorism. The path to real serenity starts here I reckon.
D
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by Stratman1
I needed to be away from abusive people in order to get my life back on track.
Stratman your life is not destroyed. You have the same potential you have always had, you can do anything you want if you want it enough and are prepared to work for it and stay sober.
What is it to stop you from packing up and going to where you can find work? Stay in a boarding house room to begin with, make a new life for yourself, in time you can rent your own space and have your son to stay with you. You do not have to stay where you are, you can change your life if you are willing to take a chance on yourself.
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Hey Strat, my thoughts are with you, it must be soo frustrating!!
What does your solicitor say? because I know when my dad messed my mum around by not showing up at court, the judge just ruled against him for time wasting?
What does your solicitor say? because I know when my dad messed my mum around by not showing up at court, the judge just ruled against him for time wasting?
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It's frustrating man in the sense that its the first time I have ever tried to interact with the system on any level. And its just not working out, at all.
I was mega depressed 7 years ago so I was just walked through the process with my head in the sand and agreed to terms which were really not suitable for me.
The judge pushed me back towards my family in other words. I realized along time ago that I had no chance of happiness ever unless away from them (sorry but).
I've been in bed since Friday save for a few hours yesterday. Only realized today that I had barely eat anything. Um yeah man, tried to get her on the phone today but...
I was mega depressed 7 years ago so I was just walked through the process with my head in the sand and agreed to terms which were really not suitable for me.
The judge pushed me back towards my family in other words. I realized along time ago that I had no chance of happiness ever unless away from them (sorry but).
I've been in bed since Friday save for a few hours yesterday. Only realized today that I had barely eat anything. Um yeah man, tried to get her on the phone today but...
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Originally Posted by Stratman1
I realized along time ago that I had no chance of happiness ever unless away from them (sorry but).
I don't speak to either of my parents because they are toxic to me.
My mother is a narcissist and I just got her out of my home and my life nine months ago. It was the second best decision I ever made for myself with sobriety being my first.
I don't speak to my father either. For years he has seemed to care less whether he has any contact with me at all and I have tried several times. They say when people appear not to care, they don't, so I let that rock go.
So I had one that didn't seem to want me in their life and the other only wanted me there for a scapegoat, slave and to be her person negative emotion baggage handler.
They are both not good for me so I had to move on. I am not sorry.
I only get one life and I intend to spend it being happy, not guilty for living it!
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Thanks GracieLou. Well actually I'm not, for better or worse. Good to hear though. Man, I have tried so hard for over half my life to forgive my parents which is something no-one really knows about.
Particularly my mother, as it has been so hard for me to realize what my actual resentments towards her were. Since about the age of 4 every year my son got older it helped me to frame that particular year of my own life.
And it is F'n weird man, I know that. I was doing this in private of course, usually while smoking weed. I would be quite preoccupied with it. Well anyway the realizations just kept getting worse, every year. I don't know how to cope with that.
Particularly my mother, as it has been so hard for me to realize what my actual resentments towards her were. Since about the age of 4 every year my son got older it helped me to frame that particular year of my own life.
And it is F'n weird man, I know that. I was doing this in private of course, usually while smoking weed. I would be quite preoccupied with it. Well anyway the realizations just kept getting worse, every year. I don't know how to cope with that.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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It's human nature. People always want to blame something, anything other than themselves. I agree though, it's tough to deal with at times. There's nothing you can really do except stay strong, stand your ground, and ensure you remain a moral person.
There's been loads of times where people were making snide remarks towards me, and I could have easily verbally brought them to tears within 60 seconds, but I almost never bother. It's just not worth it in the end.
There's been loads of times where people were making snide remarks towards me, and I could have easily verbally brought them to tears within 60 seconds, but I almost never bother. It's just not worth it in the end.
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It's a bit deeper than that mate I think. A lot deeper. Personally I don't actually know what the implications of growing up in unloving an abusive and environment are but I do know that they are many.
I believe my siblings will run into difficulty in the future also and if not then good, they will have managed to live a life of ignorance and in bliss. It's the years they don't remember that I have most trouble with.
Um thanks for the comments in this thread guys. I'm still trying to process them, definitely helpful to know that I am not alone. There is so much more I could share but the little bit I did knocked the absolute sh*t out of me.
I believe my siblings will run into difficulty in the future also and if not then good, they will have managed to live a life of ignorance and in bliss. It's the years they don't remember that I have most trouble with.
Um thanks for the comments in this thread guys. I'm still trying to process them, definitely helpful to know that I am not alone. There is so much more I could share but the little bit I did knocked the absolute sh*t out of me.
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