hopeforme

Well as I am new here I really haven't shared alot but I felt the need to sign on. (I usually sign on frm work so time is limited there - this old laptop with dial up service is so slow t home!)

It is almost 4 in the morning - my fiance came stumbling home at 2:30 - I was watching out the window as he stumbled from the cab - he came upstairs (we live in a condo) and usually I would go to bed and avoid confration but tonight something told me to wait up ------he comes to the door - all dressed up in his "going out" outfit but covered head to toe in pee. He was so drunk - couldn't walk or talk....it was so sad to see...went through all the emotions - sad, angry, disgusted,,,,,he then proceedd to EAT - heat up a frozen spaghetti dinner - spaghetti from one end of the house to the other......finally get he goes to bed in the spare room - and about 10 minutes later comes to get me to tell me "some girl" threw up in his bed - AAGGHHH!!!!!!! Try to have a sane conversation with a pthetic drunk - doesn't work - there is no girl it was YOU!!!

I know many people would say just leave him don't help but the thing is it is my home too - and I love my home and I just can't leav it that way....so at 4am I am changing sheets - cleaning up puke - which I don't deal with well at all.

It is so sad to see this 38 yr old corporate businessman in this state....trying to tell me he is "fine"

I just can't cope with this...it is killing me

Thanks for letting me vent
Lynne

shutterbug

Lynne,

I've been here too long tonight and need to go home and get some rest, but I just wanted to say hang in there.

And this is JUST an idea, but WHAT IF....the next time he comes home that drunk....if you just didn't let him in the house? Or, give him the option to sleep in the bathtub (which is easier to wash out - and make him wash it out when he sobers up) or to sleep outside? If he's not in the house, he can't wreck the place and if he gets tired of sleeping on the doormat maybe he might decide to sober up for good?????????

Just a thought...

Goodnight and God Bless us ALL!!!
Jenna

bjmt

Sleeping in the bathtub is a good idea. My AH drinks at home. He just uses the kitchen sink to pee in..burns holes in the carpet from his smokes and passes out on the living couch. Having nice furniture is out.
Okay I'm done quacking.
hopeforme,glad you have found this forum. Stick around..you will get lots of good advice.
Sad,but it sounds like we are all or have been at one time married or involved with partners who all sound like clones of each other. Exactly the same!!!

Gabe

Lynne,
What you described sounds very familiar.
Similar scenarios happened in my house when my ex and I were still together. I didn't set many boundaries back then, but I did have one. His refund was his mess to deal with. Cleaning it up is part of the consequences of their actions. If you do it, then they have no consequences.
It is heartbreaking to see someone you love in such a self-destructive state.
Even more heartbreaking to know that there is nothing you can do to heal them.
That healing has to come from their desire, or it doesn't work.
Your healing is what you need to be about right now.
Coming here was a great start.
Glad you found us. Vent anytime.
Gabe

JT

Bright side? He came home in a cab! Thank God for that much...

I have left Ward sleeping in the car after I drove home and he passed out in the passenger seat. He has driven home and fallen asleep in the garage and I have left him after making sure the motor was off...hee hee. I would leave it...probably with a note!

Oh and I have to ask...what were you doing looking out the window at 2:30 in the morning? Think about it...the commotion would have woken you up anyway...or the phone. A girl needs her sleep!

Hugs,
JT

givingup

I recently read the book, Marriage on the Rocks. It too advises you to leave any mess for your AH to clean up. Also advises you to say nothing the next day. Act like nothing happened so that the AH can't turn it around on you, blaming you. That always seems to be the reaction if I get mad about a binge, all of the sudden, he is mad at me and it is my fault.

While it seems that one of the consequences should be having an upset spouse, apparently we aren't allowed and the author is right, if you're not angry, the AH has only himself to blame.

It really stinks though. It seems that our emotions all have to be tucked away or turned into positive energy. They get to act like babies and we always have to be the grownups. When I need a turn, I just have to go somewhere by myself and scream.

shutterbug

Just wondering how things are going with your situation? I'm having a hard time right now and I am trying to catch up on how everyone is doing to get my mind off other things.

God Bless,
Jenna

hopeforme

Just made my way back here now - it was so good to read everyones replies and feel so understood...thank you all. I have had a few days "reprive" with my partner but he is out again tonight...
Wow - it was so nice having a few days - FIVE IN A ROW - alcohol free in out home. It gives me a glimpse of how peaceful it could be....unfortunately not lasting...
I am going to go catch up on some of the other posts...
Take care all...
Lynne

shutterbug

I know what you mean about enjoying the time away. One of my ex's use to be glued to my hip. I never got time myself (((ARG))). But then again, when I really needed a hug and a shoulder and just to be held - guess who was there? He was (he never had a job...of course he was). I don't know what I'm trying to say here.

I hear ya. Ok, ya, that's what I was trying to say.

Jenna
(Opps, sorry. I'm sliding downhill fast right now.)

anniecake

[It is so sad to see this 38 yr old corporate businessman in this state....trying to tell me he is "fine"]
I think "I'm fine" is the worst phrase in the English Languange. My husband is a 37 year old college educated professional (well he was until drinking cost him his job this week) and regardless of how bad things get, his response is always "I'm fine, don't worry about me." Yeah, whatever.

givingup

I am also enjoying a little respite from the chaos. AH is back on his program. But if the past is any indictator, this calm won't last long. I believe its all part of their master plan to manipulate us into staying. It has always worked in the past for my AH but I'm not quite so naiive now, not quite so fragile emotionally. Keeping up boundaries is difficult though. It feels like I'm in waiting for Hurricane Frances to hit. You know its going to, you just don't know when or with what ferocity.

Magichappens

((Lynne))
Keep posting and reading. It is hard to watch the ones we love go down that road, but they have to do what they have to do to realize they need to change. We can learn to deal with it in as healthy a manner as is possible. But I have to believe that God is involved and that even the things that I think are bad may have a purpose. In the mean time, I can find love and support for me here, and in my Al-Anon meetings. I can work on improving my life by reading and applying Al-Anon principles. I know it's painful. I go through it too. But if you take care of you, and let others care about you, you are going to be able to heal and even grow through this. Hugs, Magic

skyleh

[It is so sad to see this 38 yr old corporate businessman in this state....trying to tell me he is "fine"]

yup thats my husband....Masters degree and all...has peed his pants twice in the last week...tries to hid it..of course he put them in the washing machine with his at the time "clean shirts"... owell I did not say anything I already told him I was leaving and he is using that as an excuse to drink now....he says if I stay he will stop drinking and smoking pot" yeah and just lie about it.

this is the same man that has peed the bed and blamed it on his 3 year old son....but he says "im fine..I just like it"...whatever..denial...but I am not longer in denial and my boundrys have all been crossed...so its my anniversary but we are in the middle of a divorce and he is out tonight drinking....

noifs2day

Glad you are here. Keep posting.
Read the powerposts if you haven't already done so. They are a little long, but well worth it.

In my case, I've noticed that as long as I fix and help and solving the situation so it is easier for me to deal with, my SO never is accountable for his actions. Holding him accountable for his actions makes consiquenses a reallity.
I've also noticed they will pick up thier mess it is just a matter of time. Usually mid-afternoon the next day in my case. As long as we clean up their clothes and sheets and food droppings they never realize it matters. -- Glad you are here.

TinyVoice

OK...just from a practical standpoint.....how can you leave puke on sheets all night long?? Forget trying to get the stain out.

I really do not know how you take this. I'm having trouble with one of my dogs peeing in the house on occasion and it is wearing me out cleaning up after him. A man coming home soaked in urine and then vomiting in bed. WOWSER.

My ex-SO's son just got out of jail from his DUI. I had been keeping this from my 12 YO daugher. But he left amessage on the ansewring machine "HI. I'm home from jail." Her eyes got wide as she asked me if he had been in jail. I said yes. She just looked at me and said I can't believe we know someone who has been in JAIL. Out of the mouth of babes. It is amazing the circumstances we find ourselves in.

Well, he is your fiance NOT your husband. One bright spot. I sound harsh becuase I am in that mood. I am in NO mood to take someone else's crap which is what your fiance is expecting you to do. Here is just my circumstance: I finally decided that the 30% of the time that was miserable when he was drinking wiped out almost all of the remaining 70% of the time when things were great. But just my decision. I miss him every single day. But I wouldnt' change a thing about asking him to leave. A person can only take so much.

Rella927

((((Hugs)))) Tiny and ((((Hugs))) Lynne

So well put TINY! I guess we all have to get to that point-30%/70%. *wipes* her eyes and says WOW so true!!!! I have dealt with a diabetic dog and having to clean up the pee but not the AB because I do not allow him to stay over much-and when he does he is not allowed to drink! He can clean up his own arse at his own home!!

Happy Labor Day weekend! Hang in there Lynne!

Cadence57

EXACTLY. No one can expect to be happy 100% of the time - stuff happens, arguments, problems, life... it's not always sunshine and roses but it also shouldn't be alcohol and drugs. Period. It's one thing to have LIFE throw you a curve, but another thing to put yourself in the path of a runaway train...

Magichappens

.
Hey Tiny,
I know it's frustrating. Your decision is perfectly valid. You are right about only taking so much. We all have our limits. Just remember that his alcoholism isn't about you. It's not directed at you. You just happened to be standing in the street when the alcoholism truck ran over you. Our mission, if we choose to accept it, is to learn to step to the sidewalk when we see that truck coming. How we do that is up to us, but now that we know we have a choice, we are responsible. Hugs, Magic