amberly

AH is doing well in treatment. He says and means all of the right things. He is making a change for us. But I don't want him to come home. The last few months were so hate filled. I know I am crushing him but I don't even want to give him or us a chance. I cannot even picture us together now. His hope is that he can heal and we can be together. I would ratherbe lonely but on my own. Why am I being so hateful if he is actually trying?

LexieCat

You aren't being hateful, you are responding to what you've been through. You don't "owe" it to him to take him back. He can get well, you can be happy for his recovery, and still not want him back. End of story. It is TOTALLY OK for you to not want him back, drunk or sober.

Some relationships are too damaged. There's NOTHING wrong with you, and never EVER say that you're "hideous" or "hateful" because of that.

FeelingGreat

Hi amberly, you sound fairly healthy to me. You've had a break from him which is allowing you think clearly. That's hard to do when you're in crisis mode, and now the pressure's off you can decide what's best for you in a calm frame of mind.

Whatever you do, don't take him back because you feel guilty. It will be better for both of you if you're up-front honest with him.

Are you afraid to tell him? Afraid his reaction will be abusive or bullying?

amberly

Thank you. I just feel shattered. Who was I kidding thinking everything would be ok? I make myself sick with how pathetic I am. I can't see a future with him. But right now I just can't see a future at all. I really thought I was past this. All I can see and feel right now is pain.

CodeJob

Right now you don't know. It is OK. Send him to sober living. Let hime show some time and allow you to work it out in your head.

Ladywind

You are not a bad person for thinking this way. I am right where you are. I have left my AH. There is no way I could go back, he is my nightmare on legs. Sometimes you need to be far far away from them to heal yourself, to grieve the loss of all they have taken from you, including the terrible wounding of your heart.There comes a time when you HAVE TO put your needs first. I would have lost my mind if I stayed with him and noone deserves the suffering inflicted by an AH.

amberly

I am afraid. Mostly that he will suck me back into this hellhole. All women love him- he is so charming. I just want to run and hide as fast as I can. I wish I could just run away and hideaway for a long time. The police know what is up but they have told me to stop calling. I don't blame them. I just can't believe how fast time goes by. I cannot wrap my head around him being back.

Duckygirl1

You are not hateful at all dear one. You have every right to feel the way that you do and never feel guilty about wanting a life of peace, freedom and joy. It's your birthright as a member of planet earth!

He is just healing, the fog is lifting and realizing that he's lost one of his greatest supporters. He probably thinks he can handle a relationship now that he has a few days and some new skills, but he can't really. If he really loves you then he will respect your wanting to be left alone and do so. To pursue you when you've said no shows that he isn't thinking of you at all. If he's doing step work, then he will learn about making amends, but that is pretty far away. He will also learn that making amends might be just leaving you alone.

Now, go to the mirror and tell Amberly that you love her and only want what's best for her because she is such a wonderful person! (((Hugs)))

Impurrfect

amberly - there may come a time when we are done. He can do all the right stuff, but we've lived through the bad stuff, and we don't want any more.

I've been in relationships with 3 A's (slow learner) and am also an RA. I was a major codie.

I had to accept my part in the dysfunction. It was hard, it hurt. I allowed a lot of things to happen.

What helped me was to get distance. To reach out for support of people who understood (mainly, here).

We do the best we can with what we know. When we know better, we do better. Simple statements, but I learned to trust them.

When I realized that my last ex could have YEARS of recovery and I would still be waiting for the other shoe to drop, I was done.

You are not hideous or hateful. You are realizing that you deserve to not worry about what someone else is doing.

Take care of you, sweetie. If you have any doubts about it, please just come here - post, read around. You're not alone.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Ladywind

Sounds like my AH. He is charming too. But now I see it is manipulative and self serving. When your are wanting to run, listen to yourself. It is called self preservation.

LadyinBC

You are not hideous nor are you hateful.

Sometimes we do so much damage that there is no going back for the person we harmed. And that really is one of the consequences we have to face. Sometimes they just can't get over it and honestly, we shouldn't expect them to or make them feel bad because of it.

Trying is fine, however, actually doing and committing to being sober for yourself is what shows that the person is making a serious effort. I have to stay and be sober for me. A good year of being sober and working on yourself is a good time frame to see if someone is committed. And some people still end up being terrible people even after they quit drinking.

Being with me for example is not for the faint of heart. I have lots of faults and I have to work on myself everyday. Being an alcoholic is never going to go away. I will always be one.

You are under no obligation to stay with this man. And if you don't want to don't. Most of us are charming cause we know that someone will fall for the bull**(& that comes out of our mouths LOL.

Addiction really screws with people's head on both sides of the fence. If you took out the addiction and this person did this crappy stuff to you, most of us wouldn't stay. But the manipulation and addiction keeps you there cause it is always a matter of "well if they just quit drinking or using..............''"I can't leave they are sick............." ".... this time it will be different etc etc. and now you are on the merry-go-round.

At the end of the day you have to make decisions that are good for you and what benefits you. You need to look out for yourself. You need the time to recover from this too. Never settle for anything but the best from someone else in how they treat you. Because you deserve the best. All of you fine people here do. Never forget that.

FeelingGreat

OK, there's absolutely no uncertainty in the way you feel, so I suggest you swallow your guilt (which is unwarranted when you think about what he put you through) and start divorce proceedings.

It's better to do it early rather than hang on indecisively not telling him. At least he's in rehab, and will have time to talk it over with the counsellors there. Get it over with, and don't look back.

amberly

Thank you all so much. It's funny how when people are so nice, and I'm not used to nice, that kindness can bring more tears than cruelty. Thank you for my happy tears.