What was the last straw?

Old 03-28-2015, 05:41 PM
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What was the last straw?

I am having a difficult time understanding why time and time again, I allow my Stbxah to treat me so abusively. Even in conversations on the phone he is abusive. I want this to end. It's like in my head I know he is sick and will never be the man I thought he was. But in my stupid heart, I keep hoping that he will all of a sudden be the man I thought he was and he will want me and want to treat me with respect and kindness.

What has been the last straw for some of you? When was enough enough and how did you find the courage and strength to stick to walking away and no contact?
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Old 03-28-2015, 05:56 PM
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keep posting all the bad things he does, then reread them. They are in black and white. Its hard to remember everything, because they suck you back in when they are nice and you forget, till the NEXT TIME they burn you.

No Contact really works, or just try as little as possible. They make you feel bad and then they ruin your day. Ignore them, have someone else listen to the messages so you don't need to hear their tone of voice (if you have kids). But least amount of drama makes your life SO much better.
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Old 03-28-2015, 05:57 PM
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The day she called me raging on me that she had an STD and was blaming me for it. I knew at that instant, we were done. I knew there was absolutely no way it came from me.

All of that cherade to avoid telling the truth that she had been with so many men, she didn't even know how to find them, let alone which one gave it to her.

So blame the idiot at home cooking dinner waiting for her to come home.

Stoooopid me.
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Old 03-28-2015, 06:18 PM
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My last straw can be a myriad of things. But usually its when I finally decide i don't care what the repercussions are I will do what needs to be done.

I think most of us jail ourselves in fear of something we feel that we can't handle. Like if we tell someone what we think or put our foot down they will leave us, or argue and demean.

i've tried to get better about this because I will take a lot of certain people's crap, not all people (have no idea why). I don't like conflict is another issue - i will try and avoid it. Again I don't know why because in situations that merit it I can argue like no other, and I do not back down.

Last straw and action on it comes when I don't care anymore. When I can't take one more abusive, yelling, demanding, childish whatever. I wish I could tell you how to get there.
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Old 03-28-2015, 06:20 PM
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I guess it is different for everyone and everyone has a different threshold for pain. I am praying that I have reached mine! I am just always shocked at how nasty he is and how much he blames me for things that he created. He takes no responsibility for any of this. I honestly think his verbal and emotional abuse is far worse than the physical abuse from him. The physical has healed and the scars are much less noticeable than the emotional scars he has left.
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Old 03-28-2015, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
My last straw can be a myriad of things. But usually its when I finally decide i don't care what the repercussions are I will do what needs to be done. I think most of us jail ourselves in fear of something we feel that we can't handle. Like if we tell someone what we think or put our foot down they will leave us, or argue and demean. i've tried to get better about this because I will take a lot of certain people's crap, not all people (have no idea why). I don't like conflict is another issue - i will try and avoid it. Again I don't know why because in situations that merit it I can argue like no other, and I do not back down. Last straw and action on it comes when I don't care anymore. When I can't take one more abusive, yelling, demanding, childish whatever. I wish I could tell you how to get there.
I'm like that too! I hate conflict! I avoid it. I hate when anyone is mad at me or doesn't like me. And my stbxah doesn't like me. I have tried the hardest with him. I have shared the most of my inner self with him. So it hurts the most that the person I tried the most with, truly hates me.
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Old 03-29-2015, 07:37 AM
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For me, the last straw was when he picked up the booze for the umpteenth time -- a relapse after 6 months of sober. The love has been dying in my home for a few years because of the drinking and drinking behaviors. It took him being out of the house with little contact for 3 months for me to finally realize that I'm better physically and emotionally w/o him around -- I'm a better me w/o him. This made my decision to leave much easier. The realization that deserve better and its ok to say it.
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Old 03-29-2015, 08:51 AM
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My last straw had nothing to do with HIM... it was when I was the one who changed. I was the one who said ENOUGH. I was the one who deserved better than what he offered. It was like a switch got flipped.
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Old 03-29-2015, 08:54 AM
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I need to add that we had no kids and I was able to financially support myself. So I know it's usually not that easy.
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Old 03-29-2015, 02:06 PM
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But in my stupid heart, I keep hoping that he will all of a sudden be the man I thought he was
This isn't about hope, it's denial and rationalization that are typical of all addiction (both alcoholism and codependence). I recommend Alanon, which saved my sanity and helped me leave a very self-destructive relationship.
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Old 03-29-2015, 02:22 PM
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My last straw was having a bunch of police officers in my house looking at me with pity and disgust. I know they meant well, but I don't ever want to feel that pathetic again.
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Old 03-29-2015, 02:24 PM
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There was a final straw in 2005. But I got over it. There was a final straw in 2007. But I got over it. There was a final straw in ... well, you get my drift.

The final straw was I just gave up wishing, hoping, and praying my AH would change. Maybe he would, in his own time, but he was wasting MY TIME.

It boiled down to me wasting the one life I have hanging around in the hopes he would see the light and seek real sobriety. I was sick and tired of watching countless scenes of insanity. And, yes, I remember who he was before the alcoholism warped him into someone I no longer recognized.

Although I no longer recognized him, I no longer recognized ME either. I was crazy, sick, downright loony. Granted, I hated who he had become, but I hated myself even more. I was ashamed of what I was and who I was.

Pulled the plug, left, and never went back. We had sporadic interactions several years after I left, but I pulled the plug for good in January 2014. I am relieved I finally got on with my life. Loved him then, love him now. But I couldn't subject myself to his disease any longer.
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Old 03-29-2015, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
My last straw had nothing to do with HIM... it was when I was the one who changed. I was the one who said ENOUGH. I was the one who deserved better than what he offered. It was like a switch got flipped.
Yes, this. I remember posting here when I made the real decision after sitting on the fence for 2 years: I left when the pain of leaving was less than the pain of staying.

It was that simple....but, in reality, it was not. It took a lot of work on myself, it was me hitting my own bottom and then crawling my way up to the sunlight...very slowly.
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Old 03-29-2015, 04:40 PM
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the last straw for me was when i went to talk to him after another separation (i had kicked him out on new years day after he didnt come home again), i was still hoping that we could "save" our marriage. after 5 weeks of him being super hateful and cruel on every phone call, and yet i was Still hoping. he already refused to go to AA, and i was Still hoping. he was lying, sneaking around and gas lighting me, and i was Still Hoping. he was not giving me money for bills or support his kids, and yet i was Still hoping. he twisted everything i said, blamed everything on me, had me so confused i didnt know if i was coming or going and yet i was Still hoping. he walked out on me and our 14 years together, didnt care of hurting me or the boys, never putting his family first and i was STILL hoping.

feb 9, 2014, i met him and tried to talk to him. but again, he was being distant, hateful, not really listening to what i was saying and blaming me for sh*t i did years ago. then i saw the hickie on his neck, the smirk on his face when i asked, and the hood rat he had in his truck.....the disrespect and Still i was hoping.

the final straw was that night when i was talking to him on the phone and he let his hood rat take the phone from his hand and allowed her to tell me how i "didnt treat him right" and how i "didnt respect him" and she told me "he doesnt want you" and "he is mine now". i had heard it all before. i knew she was nothing. nothing at all. i knew i could get him back home where he belonged with very little effort. and he would be O So Sorry Again. but somewhere in fighting with this b*tch i didnt even knew and he only knew for a few months, the straw broke. i think it was when i was telling her that we had 14.5 years together and we were a family and his kids needed him and she probably didnt understand being with someone for that long....she tells me "of course, his kids love him, he is their dad." "oh honey, you dont know me, i am still married". i actually laughed and told her "then you two are perfect for each other" even thou my heart was breaking. and then said "why am i talking to you, you are nothing. i dont have to explain myself to you" and hung. i didnt answer the phone for the rest of the night, i couldnt if i wanted to, i was crying so hard i couldnt breathe.

i just couldnt do it anymore. i just couldnt live that way, having to chase my husband every few years, drag him back home, remind him of his responsibilities as a father and a husband. boost up his ego that he is such a good man, and assure him repeatedly how much i loved him. And knowing that the next bump in the road, the next emergency, the next troubled time where i was too busy keeping house and family afloat, the next time i was too distracted fixing what ever life issues to give him attention, soothing and ego stroking he would do it all over again.
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Old 03-29-2015, 07:19 PM
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Mrs. Vain, I could have written your post. Except the part about the other woman. I am sure there are and have been, but I have thankfully not been confronted with that...yet. It's like I have asked him to respect my wishes and the PFA and not contact me, but he disregards it and calls. He has been pure nasty to me since Friday. Last night he was yelling at me on the phone and blaming me for all kinds of problems he has and then he called me an idiot. I hung up. And I thought he is right, I absolutely am an idiot for continuing to allow him to treat me that way and for thinking he will ever change. And then this morning he calls and has the audacity to leave me a message saying he wants to try with me and he loves me. WTH!!!! He can ride his roller coaster all by himself!
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Old 03-29-2015, 07:50 PM
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it was the other woman that broke the camels back so to speak. i would have NEVER given up. i would have NEVER gotten a divorce without her disrespecting me and manipulating him. (of course he let her) i would have keep "TRYING". in my mind, we "could have" worked it out. of course he would have had to be willing to get help but i would have waited forever. and gone on the roller coaster of recovery.

i am still not at a point where i am THANKFUL for her interference and home wrecking. i hate her with a passion that i never had for anyone else. it kills me that they are still together and seemingly doing well. i miss the old him. But we are doing okay. the kids are doing much better after 9 months of no contact initiated by him (her). and i cant deny the peace in the household now that we dont have to deal with the drunken crazy anymore. the crazy is just in my head, and i dont talk to the kids about it, i dont talk to anyone about it. i just need to get to the point where i accept that i am NOTHING to him. But life goes on and we are doing okay day by day. i am sure the pain in my heart and the thoughts in my head will stop some day. the pain is less as time goes on.
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Old 03-29-2015, 11:19 PM
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Mrs vain, I'm so sorry you are still going through a lot of hurt. It isn't that you are nothing to him. It is that he knows he is nothing. He doesn't want contact because he knows you and the kids are better off without him. He is also drinking and being selfish and no one knows what goes on in someone else's relationship. You don't know if they are happy or not. If she feels the need to tell you the things she said to you, it seems she has a need to emphasize it. And maybe things are not what she wants you to think. She obviously feels threatened by you and even by your children. She sounds very sick! Look how strong you are and all you are doing raising your children by yourself and keeping a home by yourself. You are doing amazing! And instead of nothing it sounds to me like you are everything! Give yourself a hug and pat on the back and be glad that he is gone!
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Old 03-30-2015, 09:40 AM
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Thank you so very much searching peace. it is nice when someone thinks you are great and wonderful.....hugs to you..

yes, she is very sick. she is desperate and pathetic. and nothing special. she left her own marriage. she left her own kids. she is evil, cruel and hateful. she has no soul. And yet she is rewarded for her actions. she is the one he is with. she is the one who he hugs and kisses and buys things for and giving his time too. it seems like i am the only person who can see her evil manipulative ways.

yes, they are happy. because neither one has a conscious. And since BOTH of them drink and allow the other person to drink... there is nothing to fight about. She will never hold him accountable for his behavior since she herself is not accountable for her own. everything is ok in the pursuit of "happiness". she is just as shallow as he is. people think she is such a "nice" person because she says all the right things. but when it comes down to it, she cant put her money where her mouth is. And yet....she has him. she respects him (she didnt respect his marriage or her own) and life is just great for her, they go out, they visit, they buy things, new clothes, new shoes, he is giving her gifts, and i cringe on the amount of money they are tossing down the drain......while i struggle, and fight to hold on to my own. i sacrifice for my kids, i dont go out, i dont spend $$.

he doesnt think of us at all.

life is very unfair.
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Old 03-30-2015, 09:50 AM
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I knew for a good year it would not work. However, my last straw was when he physically pushed me and verbally abused me in front of my children. I literally pushed him out the door and told him not to come back, ever.

Horrible.
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Old 03-30-2015, 11:40 AM
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I had quite a few "Last Straws"

1. Last straw for "I don't want DS to grow up like this" was when I found a picture on my digital camera that DS took when he was 2 or 3 of his Dad. The picture was actually of XFIL's puppy, who we were babysitting, standing in the bathroom. AXH was in the background, 1/2 fallen into the tub, shower curtain ripped down with him, looking like he should have been passed out hours before.

2. I knew I had to leave him when one night I realized that I had been sitting locked in the bathroom on the edge of the tub for hours trying to figure out the best way to end my life and fast on the heels of that revelation was that if I actually followed through, DS would be left all alone with AXH.

3. The moment I realized that I didn't have to put my life, and DS's life, on hold to wait for AXH to get his act together was when he got back from rehab and said everyone told him he was sick, but he didn't see it and that it was always the hard stuff, not the beer. He still couldn't see he had a problem. His statement showed he was already getting ready to start up again. I was scared and didn't want to be stuck with that any more. And then it clicked that I didn't have to be.

As much as he and his then-GF kept saying I only filed for divorce because he went back to her, their relationship had nothing to do with my decision to file for divorce. It was all related to the revelation in #3.
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