DoubleDragons

I was talking about my alcoholic mother's lastest saga (broken heel) with one of my best friends today and she started shaking her head. She said to me, "DD, you have done some amazing changes to and for yourself over the last year or so and you should feel very proud. But you have not let go of trying to change others."

She was so right! I have been really stuck lately, in my recovery. I was not understanding why I was "stuck" because I have worked so hard on myself that it seemed I had changed internally. The big difference is that before doing any recovery work, I was entirely outward focused. If I changed everyone else in my life that "needed to be changed" (HA!) than everything would be just right. During my recovery, I came to terms with the need to change myself. So, I have come far in that regard of making personal changes, but I am still having a hard time with letting go of trying to change others, too. I didn't get that because I had done so many changes to myself that it seemed I had changed my focus. In actuality, I had just added myself to the change list and made that my number one priority, which is good since I am the only person who I can change, but I didn't erase the rest of the list.

I am sure that this is confusing, but it was such a good reality check for me. Thanks for humoring me by letting me get it out in writing here at SR.

hopeful4

That is a great realization! I agree, you have done wonderful internal work. Your friend is right, we cannot control anyone else or their situation, no matter how hard we try. It takes a while to change that behavior.

Good for you! Enjoy your weekend!

happybeingme

Great insight and personal growth. Now that you recognize it you can work on it

dandylion

DoubleDragons....a question for you....do you tend to try to change (control) other people in your life....friends, co-workers, mates, neighbors, kids....or is this primarily with y our mother?

dandylion

Hawkeye13

Very insightful and applies to me too DD--

Sounds like you are on your way to the next level of recovery now.

Thank you for sharing this

DoubleDragons

I tend to over-nurture people in my life (i.e. taking on all of their problems, talking ad nauseum about their problems, etc.), which I now see as a form of codependence and sometimes control. However, my mother has always been my biggest "problem" relationship. I think I have a relatively healthy relationship with most other people in my life. I am curious about your insight, Dandylion. I really do appreciate what you have to say to others and would welcome any feedback.