Plummeted downhill again. I am destroying my life.

Old 03-27-2015, 07:22 AM
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Plummeted downhill again. I am destroying my life.

Hi all don't know if you all remember me? Alcoholic ex husband cheated and left, found a new woman and cheated on new woman with girl he cheated on me with. That's my background. I was left broken and now I think I still am.

The ex is now in a full blown relationship with the h**r he cheated in me and his new gf with (I hate her as she knew he was married with 2 small children). The ex husband continued from may 2013 until October 2014 claiming he had nothing to do with her.

The kids have been seeing him at his parents home. He has now started having them weekends at his flat or h**rs home. Conditions he doesn't dd kids around or take them to pubs and he hasnt as kids tell me. Yes he drinks numerous cans when he has the kids but his body is that used to it he functions.

I should be pleased he's trying with the kids. Instead I have crumbled. Now I get to hear about her stunning massive home, how pretty she is, how nice she is, her x 3 horses, how daddy cuddles her and tells her he loves her, how he drinks coffee around her and yet gulps can after can when alone.

The ex was supposed to have kids last weekend and I now get to hear that he has took her to Vegas. He lied to me telling me he had a training course. I have sent him a text saying I am not his childminder for his kids so he can take his h**r and his cheating alkie self away on holiday. How childish of me but looking on his facebook at them in Vegas has killed me...... He has put weight on and looks so hAppy. I sit here bitter, resentful with tears rolling down my face as I hate them both.

Me?.... I have been actively destroying my life since I found out that that he has always been in contact with her. Knowing he cheated on me and his gf after with her. She is getting the Vegas holidays, they look happy while I can't afford a holiday to Spain (I am from the uk).

I met a healthy man in December and have been destroying out relationship . The more I get to hear about him and the family wrecker, the more I take it out on this genuine healthy man who adores me. I cannot get feelings for anyone. I did get feelings for the new person but they are gone.... Lost as I want to destroy my ex and his H**r. As time goes on I believe I can't love again. I never loved anyone as much as my ex hubby. He posts pics on facebook of them while I am alone thinking if my life involves not being able to feel love for someone again then I don't want it. I cannot shake my anger. I have tried. I go to counselling and alanon. I adored my husband, tried to get him to stop drinking and now he makes an effort drinking coffee for her(only drank cans with me).

I Sm on self destruct. I am embarrassed to say that since November and finding out about them I started having one night stands (using protection). This is not me!!! I am pushing my healthy man away.... I appear not to care and at the moment I don't! The feelings I had are diminishing and I just want to go out and flirt/pull men. My ex called me derogatory names like leather faced crow and the attention off men temporarily fills the void.

I am now a cheat! I do not care the slightest about me. All I want is for my dx and her to destroy each other. Life has no meaning and seeing them happy is sending me into an uncontrollable tearful rage. Life isn't fair. I deserve to be happy but my I don't care attitude enables me to have no feelings, to walk over men and they cannot hurt me. What's happening here?
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:45 AM
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LifeisHard....you sound like a white-hot ball of anger, right now. It sounds l ike you are acting it out on the other people around you.
Underneath most all anger is a layer of fear and pain.

How long has it been since he left? Anger is also a natural part of grieving.....

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Old 03-27-2015, 08:02 AM
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You certainly are spending an awful lot of time in other people's lives.

No wonder you are feeling like you do.

How is creeping on their FB page helping you? How is sending your ex a nasty text and calling the new woman in his life a *****, helping you? How is his nasty response to your text, helping you?

If you want peace, it starts with you. You have the opportunity to stop slinging mud and pull yourself together and live in dignity.

It appears this ship has sailed, he has moved on.

I truly can empathize with your situation. I am divorced, my ex-husband's indescrection destroyed our marriage. I raised 3 girls on my own, so please know my words come from a place of understanding.

Currently you are hurting, but I can assure you, you will not always feel this way. Best I can offer, place value on your life, respect yourself, search out healthy new alternatives to "one night stands".

Limit contact with the ex to the kids only, you can take your life back, you just have to want better for yourself. Your kids need a healthy mom.

The ex is still an active alcoholic, nothing has changed, his new woman will soon be living the same hell you did, nothing to be jealous of there.

You on the other hand, are starting a new chapter in your story, just because one chapter in the book sucked , doesn't mean the whole book sucks. The choice is yours.

We are here to support you, post all you want, it helps to get it all out.
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:05 AM
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Wow, you really ARE po'd. OK, so you're totally angry. Here's the thing--happiness is not a zero-sum game. Your happiness does not depend on whether he's happy or miserable.

Your CHILDREN and YOU are what you need to focus on.

Do you have a custody/visitation order in place? If not, get one. If so, follow it to the LETTER. If he doesn't use his time because he's off doing whatever, then that's a shame for the kids, and a burden on you, but it is really irrelevant WHY he is not using his parenting time.

As you are discovering, running after other men to make you feel better doesn't work. And it really isn't fair to this nice guy you've met, when you are in no condition at the moment to be in a relationship, is it?

Are you seeing a therapist? That might help. Are you going to Al-Anon? That might help, too.

Focus on your own recovery and healing. Think of this as a personal emergency. As you said, you are behaving in self-destructive ways. That's good that you recognize that. Reach out for help so you can STOP.

There is happiness to be had in your future. But not until you put this experience in its place.

Hugs,
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:18 AM
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Hi all. Thanks for the response. I am indeed a very angry person. We will have been split 2 years in may 2015. I don't understand why I am still angry. The ex before him I was with for 11 years and I wAs over him within months. The recent ex hubby .... It's still killing me partly becAuse originally I never got to hear his business as no contact with kids. Now he has contact I hear it all from my kids.

How do I make myself happy from inside knowing he hAs got off Scott free. 18 months of counselling and alanon due to the horrific verbal abuse that my older children and I experienced from his hands. And him...... He gets to move on and be hAppy. I have been destroyed and am emotionless. I try so hard . I pick on my partner sometimes relentlessly , dump him and he comes running back. It's cruel and this is NOT me. Treating him mean like my ex hubby did. Why am I so cruel, cold and heartless. I don't want this life anymore.
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:30 AM
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I don't consider living in denial getting off scott free. There will be consequences, they just haven't surfaced yet.

This disease is progressive, health problems, financial problems, legal problems, relationship problems, are all a strong probability for him, those are the facts of this horrible disease, I don't view that as a very happy ever after, or living scott free.

May I suggest a break? Perhaps now is not the best time to be dating. Sounds like you have some inside issues that need your attention?
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:32 AM
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You'll feel a lot better when you start making better choices and start treating others the way you want to be treated. When you abuse others, you are abusing yourself.

Let go. He's gone, and sounds like good-riddance. The harsh reality of life is that anyone can leave anyone for any or no reason. Afterwards, moving on is the only solution. I'd get off FB, for one thing.

My life got lots better when I started praying for happiness for my ex. The only way out of misery is to wish the other well, and let go. Forgive him and wish happiness for him. It's the only way.
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:35 AM
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I had to stop looking at the external parts of my ex's life that seemed good- marriage, vacations, his whole "new life." The thing is, the inside hasn't changed. He is who he is- an active alcoholic, abusive, incapable of holding down a job, all the negatives are still there, no matter how much he tries to keep the surface looking good.
Just because someone's life doesn't instantly unravel before your eyes doesn't mean that the perfect surface is reality.
People put vacation pix on facebook, updates on how great their life is. No one ever says "The alcoholic who cheated on his wife with me is abusive behind closed doors."
This is where letting go can help you. I had to let go of my hopes that my ex's life was going to fall apart, because that was not a healthy way to validate myself.
I wish I could give you a magic formula and say "do X,Y,Z to heal yourself and everything will be sunshine and roses." But it doesn't work that way. I had to take several BIG steps back and detach, detach, detach. My ex isn't on social media, but I stopped getting updates on him from his family, stopped engaging with him when he called to speak to our son, and practiced mindfulness to stop those obsessive thoughts of him when they invaded my brain. I still haven't found the courage to start dating again. I know I'm not ready for another relationship- we've also been split up for about 18 months, and that just isn't enough time to heal from severe emotional trauma and abuse.
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:42 AM
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((((Hugs)))) welcome back we joined here around the same time. the pain your feeling is very obvious in your post and it's good you got all those thoughts and feelings out instead of keeping them all bottled up!!

I think it would be a good idea if you blocked him from your Facebook and don't go back near his page it only hurts you. It doesn't hurt him!! I'm like you in many ways keep hurting myself by contacting him, but I'm hurting myself by wanting him to make everything better, he can't he's ill and the sooner I accept this the sooner I will reach acceptance and move forward on my recovery. Every time you look at his FB page you are re opening wounds that haven't healed yet. I don't know how old your children are but are they off an age where you can say to them to not tell you about dad and his gf and what they are doing and only tell you about anything that upsets them or worries them??

I understand the one night stands hoping to fill a void and erase the hurt you feel but I sense from your post that it's not working. I could be wrong but I also sense that your not ready for a relationship however nice this guy is and is it not better to let him go rather than hurt him by having one night stands.

no one can fill a void within us only ourselves and I know for me definately I'm not ready to be with anyone else not until im happy within myself and reach a point where I don't need anyone elses validation, approval or love to feel happy. If I find someone when I'm ready who will love and care about me that will be a bonus and should add to me as a person not consume me.

You can and you will come through this take it one day at a time and keep coming back and posting don't keep everything bottled up!!
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:54 AM
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Hey Life, so sorry that you are going through this anger. Sometimes I think I'd rather be depressed than angry, it feels like I can do something about it easier than the anger.

It's time, time to stand up and walk away. Time to live for you and your wonderful children. Living for you is not one night stands, that is satisfying to the ones you are with.

Of course, you know this. That is why you're here. Isn't it? I don't know how old the kids are but you probably should let them know you don't need to know about the cuddling, coffee drinking, moments. Are you asking them questions?

Look, it's so easy for us to be here telling you to stand up and move on, what you're going through sucks. And of course you are going to think he is happier and she is better than you, but really, she's not. She has the problems that he brings wherever he goes. I don't care how many times he's cheated WITH her, eventually he will be cheating ON her. That is who he is. All her horses and her big mansion is what is seductive to him in addition to the thrill of the affair. But, remember....... now that he is with her it is no longer an affair, its reality, they are together.

Take some time for you and only you, no one night stands and maybe no Mr. Healthy, maybe you should focus on you.
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:58 AM
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Oh Lifeishard... HUGS to you
This breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
My AH was unfaithful to me too. Nothing hurts like being cheated on does... and to have to hear about it and about her from your children, oh that just makes me literally sick to my stomach. I horribly dread the day I have to deal with that...
Everyone else has given some good advice... Just give yourself time... and please be kind and gentle with yourself.
I'll be thinking of you
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Old 03-27-2015, 09:22 AM
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You also might have a chat with the kids about how mom and dad are living separately now, and that unless there's something one of you NEEDS to know about what's happening at the other house, it's best for them not to be carrying reports back and forth.

You can explain that adults have a right to privacy. You don't want him knowing all of your business, and he doesn't care to have you knowing all about his. You want to STRESS that if they feel scared or uncomfortable about something going on at one house that they SHOULD tell you (or their dad, if it happened at your house), or someone like a teacher or counselor at school. But that just everyday stuff--what they did on vacation, how much money someone makes, whom someone is spending time with--those things don't need to be shared with the other parent.

It's good to have a conversation like this. After all, you don't want the kids talking about whom you're seeing, etc. And it will spare you from hearing some of the details about their lives.

Incidentally, blocking them on FB is a very good idea.
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Old 03-27-2015, 09:31 AM
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If he went up in flames tomorrow you'd still be in the very same spot. The self destruction is no longer about him. If you are getting no-where with your counselor perhaps you need to re-assess your goals with them and/or look for a different counselor.

Many hugs to you. That was hard to read - can't imagine how hard it is to live.
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Old 03-27-2015, 09:43 AM
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Thank you all for the kind words. Coming in here and Having support helps. As some of you may know my parents are alcoholics and I have no support networks except from couple friends. It's painful for me to look back at my posts when I first joined here and what he did. My pain was and still is imaginable. I truly adored him, never cheated.... He's the only man I have truly loved and letting that go and watching him move on whilst he moved on is the hardest and most painful experience of my life. Nearly 2 years later I love him from a distance. Fear is I can never truly live again and life is a chore and pointless. I exist for my kids. For the moment thanks to you all my tears have stopped. God has plans for me and it's so hard to focus on what they may be. I have decided to go out tonight for a meal and a good cry in my friends arms and hope that tomorrow I find the strength to continue to out one step in front if the other. My kids are 5 and 8...., still want daddy home..... But as my daughter says.... Without the drink. He has moved on....
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Old 03-27-2015, 09:46 AM
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Hi Life. I have been in your shoes and yes, it bites. I was so consumed with what my X and his pregnant fiance were doing I could barely breathe. I became physically ill over it all. To see them and how "happy" they were it was heart breaking. I too shut out people that were good to me, lost some good friends along the way.
Eventually I HAD to let it all go. No we were not married and no there were no kids involved but I felt the same way you did. Bitter, anger, hate. I had a small group of friends and my family rally around me to support me thru this hell I was in. When I finally decided to break free it felt as if the entire world was lifted off my shoulders. It was hard but I was able to move on.
I hope you can find the strength to move on, not just for your sake but for the kids.
Life is way too short to spend it consumed with bitterness, anger and hate.

Tight, tight hugs to you!!!

Last edited by knowthetriggers; 03-27-2015 at 09:56 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 03-27-2015, 10:23 AM
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You are sure giving him a lot of power to still be taking up so much real estate in your head. He sounds like a POS and you deserve so much better. Try taking YOUR power back and think of him moving on as a kind of favor to you. He doesn't hound or belittle you any more. Be good to yourself.
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Old 03-27-2015, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Lifeishard View Post
Thank you all for the kind words. Coming in here and Having support helps. As some of you may know my parents are alcoholics and I have no support networks except from couple friends. It's painful for me to look back at my posts when I first joined here and what he did. My pain was and still is imaginable. I truly adored him, never cheated.... He's the only man I have truly loved and letting that go and watching him move on whilst he moved on is the hardest and most painful experience of my life. Nearly 2 years later I love him from a distance. Fear is I can never truly live again and life is a chore and pointless. I exist for my kids. For the moment thanks to you all my tears have stopped. God has plans for me and it's so hard to focus on what they may be. I have decided to go out tonight for a meal and a good cry in my friends arms and hope that tomorrow I find the strength to continue to out one step in front if the other. My kids are 5 and 8...., still want daddy home..... But as my daughter says.... Without the drink. He has moved on....

Hi Life

I too am a very angry person. It's getting better as I mature...at least I hope it is!!

What do you miss about your ex?
Not talking about your feelings for him or what you envisioned in the future

what about him is so special to you? His looks? His charm?

Maybe identifying wxactly WHAT you miss about him will help clear some of the anger....

I know from experience that when I stay angry for long periods of time my healthy suffers.

Please stop beating yourself up, it's ok to be going through this!!
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Old 03-27-2015, 12:48 PM
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LifeisHard.....deliberately and consciously abusing another person is the wrong thing to do.
Abuse is always wrong. No matter who is doing it....
Even if we are in pain.
Blowing out someone else's candle will not cause yours to burn any brighter.

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Old 03-27-2015, 09:20 PM
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Breathe. Believe me when I say that if I had the power of Zeus there are days I'd throwing lightening bolts at people like I pitched for the NY Yankees. You have been betrayed, used, lied to and cheated of a whole family. He is so indiscreet as to bring his children into it to give it an air of respectability. To top it off it seems like the ass hat and skankzilla are being rewarded for it. Not so. He may sip coffee in front of her, but you know as well as we do the secret cans don't stay secret for long and missy mistress will get her self an avatar and join our little family. The kids do need to respect their dads privacy and not tell you things. And you need to not ask.

Don't cheat yourself out of even more than you've already lost. Life can be grand if you let it. It really wants to be! I wish I could say I had a great guy. I will again and I will cherish him the more because of what I just got out of. Love him for who HE is not for who your exah is. That's not ex alcoholic husband. That's ex ass hat. It's my new abbreviation. I rather think it's accurate. (((Hugs)))
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Old 03-27-2015, 10:52 PM
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Huge hugs LIH. You can't help your feelings right now, but you can control your reactions and the work you do to help yourself. I went through a break up with the only man I was crazy about, and I know how terribly it can affect you.

You have the means to move on, but you have to draw on all your resources, even if you don't feel like it, or it's against your instincts. You probably need to be honest with your BF about your inability to have a healthy relationship right now. This alone will help your self-esteem.

Draw up a mind picture of the person you want to be, even if it seems unattainable right now, then break up your project into tiny steps, and go for it.
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