I am back...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I am back...
I have stayed away for awhile due to some negative experiences I had last time.
Divorce in process and separated AH is in month 3 of his recovery. I understand early recovery is hard time but it is so hard on me to co-parent with him. He is just as self centered as before except now he is throwing the fact that he is finding sobriety in my face. Is it possible for me to dislike him more now than when he was actively drinking??? At least then he had moments of kindness.
I seriously feel like I am losing my mind! He acts like he is so perfect because he is seeking recovery and not like he has not put me and our daughter through hell. He keeps acting like I should be grateful for his sobriety. What about me who has been holding down the fort and parenting our daughter over the past few years while he has been having his fun? I know I need to do something with this anger. I am starting here, by typing this out....
Divorce in process and separated AH is in month 3 of his recovery. I understand early recovery is hard time but it is so hard on me to co-parent with him. He is just as self centered as before except now he is throwing the fact that he is finding sobriety in my face. Is it possible for me to dislike him more now than when he was actively drinking??? At least then he had moments of kindness.
I seriously feel like I am losing my mind! He acts like he is so perfect because he is seeking recovery and not like he has not put me and our daughter through hell. He keeps acting like I should be grateful for his sobriety. What about me who has been holding down the fort and parenting our daughter over the past few years while he has been having his fun? I know I need to do something with this anger. I am starting here, by typing this out....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Welcome back. He sounds like a real pain, and you might be waiting a while for an apology or any awareness of what he's put you through. 3 months isn't a long time in recovery, and he's almost certainly re-adjusting mentally, so he might improve.
How seriously is he interfering with the way you live your life? Is his attitude causing material difficulties, or just annoying the h*ll out of you? If it's the second, you can fairly easily limit contact time and any deep interaction with him. Try keeping your responses neutral to any statements that aren't to the point - i.e. about parenting arrangements. You're not his partner any more, you don't have to listen to his BS. Responses like, 'yes, that's true' or 'is that right?' or 'you've got a point' will shut him down fast because you can't have a conversation with someone who just neutrally agrees with you all the time. And he won't mistake it for real agreement, unless his brain's fried beyond redemption.
How seriously is he interfering with the way you live your life? Is his attitude causing material difficulties, or just annoying the h*ll out of you? If it's the second, you can fairly easily limit contact time and any deep interaction with him. Try keeping your responses neutral to any statements that aren't to the point - i.e. about parenting arrangements. You're not his partner any more, you don't have to listen to his BS. Responses like, 'yes, that's true' or 'is that right?' or 'you've got a point' will shut him down fast because you can't have a conversation with someone who just neutrally agrees with you all the time. And he won't mistake it for real agreement, unless his brain's fried beyond redemption.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
I can relate to the anger...I had a hard time even being civil to my XAH there for a while. I knew I had to change something because I didn't like the person I became, the mother I was, when I had all this anger inside of me.
This was an area where I really feel seeing my therapist helped. She had me do some writing, reflecting, and guided me to making conscious decisions about how I was going to acknowledge my feelings but change my reaction and response. I also started running and working out more. Yoga helps too. I focused a lot on detachment and one day it all clicked. I didn't feel that deep resentment and rage anymore. I'm not letting him walk all over me (we are now divorced) but since I've let go of the anger things are better for everyone and I like me again.
This was an area where I really feel seeing my therapist helped. She had me do some writing, reflecting, and guided me to making conscious decisions about how I was going to acknowledge my feelings but change my reaction and response. I also started running and working out more. Yoga helps too. I focused a lot on detachment and one day it all clicked. I didn't feel that deep resentment and rage anymore. I'm not letting him walk all over me (we are now divorced) but since I've let go of the anger things are better for everyone and I like me again.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I at - glad you came back!!!
I think this is pretty common. Is he working a program or just not drinking. If he is just not drinking, he is nothing but a dry drunk and nothing will change. The most important part of being sober is growing up and working a program, for long time sobriety Imo
my sister in laws father was an a. She was just telling me years ago her dad did the same thing. He was all that because he got sober. Her mom did divorce him during his drinking day's and they did end up re marrying. But she said it took him about a year of aa to realize he wasn't all that. But since they were divoiced wife didn't deal with it, just the 3 kids had to listen. The ego thing is all shot down in aa.
Once again , take care of u. Work your program. Don't engage in his stuff, as he has a lot of work to do. Give him a year of sobriety and see if he is still so high on himself.
Hugs and great to see you back!!
I think this is pretty common. Is he working a program or just not drinking. If he is just not drinking, he is nothing but a dry drunk and nothing will change. The most important part of being sober is growing up and working a program, for long time sobriety Imo
my sister in laws father was an a. She was just telling me years ago her dad did the same thing. He was all that because he got sober. Her mom did divorce him during his drinking day's and they did end up re marrying. But she said it took him about a year of aa to realize he wasn't all that. But since they were divoiced wife didn't deal with it, just the 3 kids had to listen. The ego thing is all shot down in aa.
Once again , take care of u. Work your program. Don't engage in his stuff, as he has a lot of work to do. Give him a year of sobriety and see if he is still so high on himself.
Hugs and great to see you back!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Welcome Back! It's understandable that you are angry. As humans we all have a right to be angry now and again. The problem is when we hold on to that anger it drains the life out of us but it sounds like you are ready to work on it and let it go....Good for you!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Try being grateful for your daughter's sake, if you can't be happy for him. I'm not suggesting you have to be happy for him, but it certainly will be better for your daughter if her dad is sober than if he's drinking.
If he starts going on and on about how great he's doing, just say something like, "That's nice. I have to go now."
ETA: It can also be good for YOU if you don't have to negotiate parenting time, etc., with an unreliable drunk. You don't have to like the guy, you just have to trust him where your child is concerned.
If he starts going on and on about how great he's doing, just say something like, "That's nice. I have to go now."
ETA: It can also be good for YOU if you don't have to negotiate parenting time, etc., with an unreliable drunk. You don't have to like the guy, you just have to trust him where your child is concerned.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
So glad to see you back!!! 
I think this all sounds unfortunately normal for early recovery. The same tools that work when dealing with active addiction can be helpful here too - detachment, realistic expectations, etc. My RAH was a emotional roller coaster for a long time when he stopped drinking & I found myself infuriated with (what I saw as) his holier-than-thou turnaround.
Hang on your side of the street as much as possible & pick your battles/drop the rope as it benefits you. He's likely to go through a few more highs & lows as his recovery (hopefully) gains momentum. More will be revealed, right?
I hope you are still making time for yourself whenever possible & actively working YOUR recovery though - I used to get complacent during the *good* times & it worked against me when the *bad* times came around again.
I think this all sounds unfortunately normal for early recovery. The same tools that work when dealing with active addiction can be helpful here too - detachment, realistic expectations, etc. My RAH was a emotional roller coaster for a long time when he stopped drinking & I found myself infuriated with (what I saw as) his holier-than-thou turnaround.
Hang on your side of the street as much as possible & pick your battles/drop the rope as it benefits you. He's likely to go through a few more highs & lows as his recovery (hopefully) gains momentum. More will be revealed, right?
I hope you are still making time for yourself whenever possible & actively working YOUR recovery though - I used to get complacent during the *good* times & it worked against me when the *bad* times came around again.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Glad to see you!! 
Yep that anger can sure be a b1tch can't it?
Remember, in OUR recovery it is necessary for us to detach from the behavior of the A (recovery or no).
If he wants to behave as if you should be GRATEFUL (which is BS)....then it is up to YOU to give YOURSELF the credit for all the years you've held the fort down. I know this is easier said than done...but we are always seeking some validation from THEM and it's not gonna happen like that. We're NEVER gonna get the closure that we want from them, so we need to give it to ourselves.
I say you may want to really try separating yourself emotionally from him right now. Some safe distance (emotionally) can make all the difference in the world. It's like a warm blanket on a cold night. Sort of like a safety net. You don't have to allow his self-righteous behavior to have POWER over you!!
Hugs!!!
Yep that anger can sure be a b1tch can't it?
Remember, in OUR recovery it is necessary for us to detach from the behavior of the A (recovery or no).
If he wants to behave as if you should be GRATEFUL (which is BS)....then it is up to YOU to give YOURSELF the credit for all the years you've held the fort down. I know this is easier said than done...but we are always seeking some validation from THEM and it's not gonna happen like that. We're NEVER gonna get the closure that we want from them, so we need to give it to ourselves.
I say you may want to really try separating yourself emotionally from him right now. Some safe distance (emotionally) can make all the difference in the world. It's like a warm blanket on a cold night. Sort of like a safety net. You don't have to allow his self-righteous behavior to have POWER over you!!
Hugs!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Hi Iamthird good to see you! Sorry you had a bad experience here.
A jerk is a jerk is a jerk. Now he's just a recovered jerk. I'm not surprised.
A jerk is a jerk is a jerk. Now he's just a recovered jerk. I'm not surprised.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
We missed you!
I'm so glad you are physically free of him!
Gah, the anger - it is maddening, and it eats us alive, I KNOW!
It helps me to find a way to say something nice to AB, every time I want to head butt him. I know that saying something nice is exactly the opposite of what we feel they deserve, or what we feel at the time, but it's kind of a fake it til you make it thing.
"Your should be happy i am sober."
"I am very happy you are sober - look at the difference it will make in your life!"
"Now that I am sober, you have nothing to be upset about."
"Congratulations on your sobriety, i am happy our daughter will have her dad around for a long time."
"Now that I am sober, you need to work on _____."
"It makes me very happy that you are maintaining sobriety."
You may have to say it through clenched teeth and the urge to vomit the first few times, but I promise it can help him, and you!!!
Glad youre checking in and doing well!
I'm so glad you are physically free of him!
Gah, the anger - it is maddening, and it eats us alive, I KNOW!
It helps me to find a way to say something nice to AB, every time I want to head butt him. I know that saying something nice is exactly the opposite of what we feel they deserve, or what we feel at the time, but it's kind of a fake it til you make it thing.
"Your should be happy i am sober."
"I am very happy you are sober - look at the difference it will make in your life!"
"Now that I am sober, you have nothing to be upset about."
"Congratulations on your sobriety, i am happy our daughter will have her dad around for a long time."
"Now that I am sober, you need to work on _____."
"It makes me very happy that you are maintaining sobriety."
You may have to say it through clenched teeth and the urge to vomit the first few times, but I promise it can help him, and you!!!
Glad youre checking in and doing well!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Welcome back and good luck! Hopefully he will get tried of the wonder and majesty of his own belly button, look up and realize there are other people in the world. I think that the early recovery stage is so annoying because for non addicts this persons new found sobriety means that they are basically BEGINNING to do the things that we do every darn day. Have been doing for years and did while taking care of them.
Oooooh, you go a whole day without getting wasted.? Bought groceries, washed clothes aaaaaaaand paid your rent on time? Went to work everyday this week? Drove there by yourself with a real license and no accidents? And you're only 39? My, what a big boy you are!
Obvious sarcasm aside. For them it really is a big deal. They are seeing the world again through different eyes. Unfortunately some get hooked on the "my recovery" song and those eyes are staring in a mirror most days. For people who spent so long hating themselves, self love is new.
Try and be patient. And this is coming from a notoriously impatient person who suffer no fool lightly. There is a pay off. Of course if he starts slacking in his responsibilities because "his recovery comes first" the law will will let him know that this ain't no either or situation, it's a both and balance. Self centeredness is toxic no matter what reason you give.
Oooooh, you go a whole day without getting wasted.? Bought groceries, washed clothes aaaaaaaand paid your rent on time? Went to work everyday this week? Drove there by yourself with a real license and no accidents? And you're only 39? My, what a big boy you are!
Obvious sarcasm aside. For them it really is a big deal. They are seeing the world again through different eyes. Unfortunately some get hooked on the "my recovery" song and those eyes are staring in a mirror most days. For people who spent so long hating themselves, self love is new.
Try and be patient. And this is coming from a notoriously impatient person who suffer no fool lightly. There is a pay off. Of course if he starts slacking in his responsibilities because "his recovery comes first" the law will will let him know that this ain't no either or situation, it's a both and balance. Self centeredness is toxic no matter what reason you give.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I am sad to say that I read this post from almost 2 months ago and I am in the same place. He relapsed in middle of April, got back next day to his outpatient rehab program. He got on anti-depressants so things got a little better but it is still such a roller coaster!
DD6 asked to go with him on a day that was mine and he said he would take her but to keep the schedule. I said ok, I was just expressing to you that she missed you I wont ask you again. He said for his recovery he just needs to stick to the schedule. I understand that. Then tonight he wanted her, not his night...but he wanted her. She wants to be with him too but then if I say no stick the schedule I am the jerk. So it is ok to veer from schedule if he wants but not if I suggest? Annoyed!
I feel so beaten up. I am damned no matter what I choose and this is just co-parenting! I am trying to be cooperative with him because I value his efforts in trying to stay sober. I am trying to stay in my lane and not speak on his recovery at all. But I really don't know how to be a good mom in this...sadly it made more sense when he was drinking because I could blame everything on that.
DD6 asked to go with him on a day that was mine and he said he would take her but to keep the schedule. I said ok, I was just expressing to you that she missed you I wont ask you again. He said for his recovery he just needs to stick to the schedule. I understand that. Then tonight he wanted her, not his night...but he wanted her. She wants to be with him too but then if I say no stick the schedule I am the jerk. So it is ok to veer from schedule if he wants but not if I suggest? Annoyed!
I feel so beaten up. I am damned no matter what I choose and this is just co-parenting! I am trying to be cooperative with him because I value his efforts in trying to stay sober. I am trying to stay in my lane and not speak on his recovery at all. But I really don't know how to be a good mom in this...sadly it made more sense when he was drinking because I could blame everything on that.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
You know it takes a looooooong time to reprogram the brain. There are no guarantees he will ever be a kind and considerate.
it sounds like you are stuck in people pleasing mode. Trying to appease him and your daughter. He doesn't get to drive you nuts unless you let him.
I would stick to the schedule for now and not deviate. If your daughter has a problem with it its not up for discussion. You do not have an obligation to try and bend to her desires - and its not that what she asks is so much its that the person that you have to negotiate with is a jerk. Take him out of the equation. If he calls and asks for her on a day that isn't his simply state that "you need to stick to the schedule. Bye" click.
If she asks to see him on a day that isn't his day then you'll just have to say "we need to stick to the schedule for Dad's recovery" and end of explanation.
It doesn't mean it always has to be like this, maybe further in his recovery he will be easier to deal with. Till then take ahold of the reins.
it sounds like you are stuck in people pleasing mode. Trying to appease him and your daughter. He doesn't get to drive you nuts unless you let him.
I would stick to the schedule for now and not deviate. If your daughter has a problem with it its not up for discussion. You do not have an obligation to try and bend to her desires - and its not that what she asks is so much its that the person that you have to negotiate with is a jerk. Take him out of the equation. If he calls and asks for her on a day that isn't his simply state that "you need to stick to the schedule. Bye" click.
If she asks to see him on a day that isn't his day then you'll just have to say "we need to stick to the schedule for Dad's recovery" and end of explanation.
It doesn't mean it always has to be like this, maybe further in his recovery he will be easier to deal with. Till then take ahold of the reins.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Good to see you!
I would say, oh you've asked me previously to stick to the schedule and I think you were really wise to point out the best approach. Thank you for telling me that is how I can best support your recovery.... Tee hee.
That is not a lie, but the boundary is for YOU.
I would say, oh you've asked me previously to stick to the schedule and I think you were really wise to point out the best approach. Thank you for telling me that is how I can best support your recovery.... Tee hee.
That is not a lie, but the boundary is for YOU.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by iamthird
I am sad to say that I read this post from almost 2 months ago and I am in the same place. He relapsed in middle of April, got back next day to his outpatient rehab program. He got on anti-depressants so things got a little better but it is still such a roller coaster!
DD6 asked to go with him on a day that was mine and he said he would take her but to keep the schedule. I said ok, I was just expressing to you that she missed you I wont ask you again. He said for his recovery he just needs to stick to the schedule. I understand that. Then tonight he wanted her, not his night...but he wanted her. She wants to be with him too but then if I say no stick the schedule I am the jerk. So it is ok to veer from schedule if he wants but not if I suggest? Annoyed!
I feel so beaten up. I am damned no matter what I choose and this is just co-parenting! I am trying to be cooperative with him because I value his efforts in trying to stay sober. I am trying to stay in my lane and not speak on his recovery at all. But I really don't know how to be a good mom in this...sadly it made more sense when he was drinking because I could blame everything on that.
DD6 asked to go with him on a day that was mine and he said he would take her but to keep the schedule. I said ok, I was just expressing to you that she missed you I wont ask you again. He said for his recovery he just needs to stick to the schedule. I understand that. Then tonight he wanted her, not his night...but he wanted her. She wants to be with him too but then if I say no stick the schedule I am the jerk. So it is ok to veer from schedule if he wants but not if I suggest? Annoyed!
I feel so beaten up. I am damned no matter what I choose and this is just co-parenting! I am trying to be cooperative with him because I value his efforts in trying to stay sober. I am trying to stay in my lane and not speak on his recovery at all. But I really don't know how to be a good mom in this...sadly it made more sense when he was drinking because I could blame everything on that.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
A hundred percent what redatlanta said. There is a schedule for a reason. When you are dealing with someone reasonable you can sometimes be flexible, but when you are not, if you stick to the schedule like glue you cannot go wrong.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm sorry things are still rough for you. But I'm glad you cam back for support! ((((hugs))))
I completely agree with the others that you should just keep it to the schedule & remind him of that when he tries to initiate the change. The fact is, you can't win & you'll go crazy trying. There's no way to predict his behavior as he makes his way through recovery.
Until he has a much larger chunk of continued sober time you have no way of gauging what to expect. Maybe that's part of this feeling you have now?- Subconsciously holding onto expectations that are unreasonable? (just food for thought, not a judgment) That flip-flop, refusing to change the schedule for you but expecting you to do it for him, is definitely hypocritical. (so don't feel badly about holding him to it!) A normal person would be able to see that but at this stage of recovery he probably can't. (& maybe never will - time will tell which traits are his & which are more associated with his addiction.)
I completely agree with the others that you should just keep it to the schedule & remind him of that when he tries to initiate the change. The fact is, you can't win & you'll go crazy trying. There's no way to predict his behavior as he makes his way through recovery.
Until he has a much larger chunk of continued sober time you have no way of gauging what to expect. Maybe that's part of this feeling you have now?- Subconsciously holding onto expectations that are unreasonable? (just food for thought, not a judgment) That flip-flop, refusing to change the schedule for you but expecting you to do it for him, is definitely hypocritical. (so don't feel badly about holding him to it!) A normal person would be able to see that but at this stage of recovery he probably can't. (& maybe never will - time will tell which traits are his & which are more associated with his addiction.)
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