hiding that he's using again
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2
hiding that he's using again
Hi. I'm new here. I have been in a relationship with someone for 6 months who is a heroin addict. He has been using for about 10 years now, all of his adult life. I knew this going into it and tried my best to prepare myself how to handle stuff. After coming home from prison he was clean for the first month we dates, relapsed and went into rehab about a month later. He relapsed a week after coming home and used for a month. (We were not together during this time) After several incidents he ended up coming to stay with me for 2 weeks until he went to detox. He then went to rehab and we talked almost everyday. He got set up with a recovery house and things were sounding so good for him.
During his last relapse he got into a lot of trouble and has several court cases coming up, one of which was this past week and really threw him for a loop and he went out right after and used and left the recovery house. He used for 3 days and then came to stay with me again. He found a good na meeting he liked and says he feels like he can really do it this time. I know he doesn't want to live like this anymore and just cant seem to figure out how not to use. He insists that he is clean right now (one of the conditions of him staying here is that he's not using) but I know he's not. He's not using like he was but theres several signs that he's definitely back at it. I found a syringe cap on the floor, but he always keeps one even when he's clean in the past, I just handed it to him and said you forgot this. Then the next day he was in the bathroom for like 10 min and came out looking a little high and nodding off a bit here and there. When I saw him nod off I asked straight out if he used. He said no and if he did he would tell me bc he knows he can talk to me. The next morning I heard the bathroom door lock and he was in there for a little while, I said I had to come in for something and found a tissue with blood on it on the floor in the area I know he sits to use and I saw him take a water bottle in the bathroom, which he does when he's using. Later I saw the bottle not closed right and found a filter caught in the rim. Last night he was in there for a bit and came out totally nodding off. He's also asking people for money, I mean he's not working right now so he does need some money but he doesn't have any bills to pay or food to buy (he gets food stamps.) He's spending longer time in the city than he should be for what he says he's doing there.
I know from him using for only a few days and stopping that he'd be having some slight withdraw questions and telling me about when he's tempted or having a hard time not using. So far no withdraw and he's only mentioned cravings briefly a couple times. I know it really would not be this easy for him to stop after 3 days of using.
I know he's using, not one doubt in my mind.
We have always talked openly about his drug use and he's never tried to deny using before, he usually tells me he relapsed before I ever ask. I brought up a few of these signs here and there to him and he told me he feels like he's getting interrogated by his mom all over again. I know he hates that but I can't just sit here and pretend to ignore it. I asked him how can I bring up my concerns in a way that doesn't feel like I'm grilling him or not trusting him. I'm trying hard to not question him about where his money's going and what he's doing all day in the city unless I can make it casual conversion just to see what he'll say even though its probably a lie anyway.
I feel like he wont fess up because he thinks I'll throw him out, even though he said he knows I'd understand if he messed up. I told him I would understand and as long as he got back on track I would not kick him out. Anyone making such huge changes is bound to slip up especially with the stress he is under. And I know if he is on the street he'll give up and not try to stop using. He's been in that situation way too many times in his life and being homeless sucks but gives him even more of a reason to use. Also once I realized he's using I stopped helping him out with any kind of money.
If I keep bringing up the signs I see I'm going to push him away and make him not want to tell me even more. I've seen him do it with his mom. But I can't sit here quiet until I catch him with a needle in his arm.
I really need some advice on how to approach this subject with out him getting defensive and trying to turn it on me and make me sound like i'm being paranoid. I know I can't keep this in much longer, I'm afraid I'm going to blurt it all out and make our communication worse.
He's always told me I'm the one person he can talk to about anything and I don't want to ruin that by going about this the wrong way but I really feel like I need to make him accountable. Its killing me that he's lying to me about this, the one thing he knows he can talk about freely with me.
During his last relapse he got into a lot of trouble and has several court cases coming up, one of which was this past week and really threw him for a loop and he went out right after and used and left the recovery house. He used for 3 days and then came to stay with me again. He found a good na meeting he liked and says he feels like he can really do it this time. I know he doesn't want to live like this anymore and just cant seem to figure out how not to use. He insists that he is clean right now (one of the conditions of him staying here is that he's not using) but I know he's not. He's not using like he was but theres several signs that he's definitely back at it. I found a syringe cap on the floor, but he always keeps one even when he's clean in the past, I just handed it to him and said you forgot this. Then the next day he was in the bathroom for like 10 min and came out looking a little high and nodding off a bit here and there. When I saw him nod off I asked straight out if he used. He said no and if he did he would tell me bc he knows he can talk to me. The next morning I heard the bathroom door lock and he was in there for a little while, I said I had to come in for something and found a tissue with blood on it on the floor in the area I know he sits to use and I saw him take a water bottle in the bathroom, which he does when he's using. Later I saw the bottle not closed right and found a filter caught in the rim. Last night he was in there for a bit and came out totally nodding off. He's also asking people for money, I mean he's not working right now so he does need some money but he doesn't have any bills to pay or food to buy (he gets food stamps.) He's spending longer time in the city than he should be for what he says he's doing there.
I know from him using for only a few days and stopping that he'd be having some slight withdraw questions and telling me about when he's tempted or having a hard time not using. So far no withdraw and he's only mentioned cravings briefly a couple times. I know it really would not be this easy for him to stop after 3 days of using.
I know he's using, not one doubt in my mind.
We have always talked openly about his drug use and he's never tried to deny using before, he usually tells me he relapsed before I ever ask. I brought up a few of these signs here and there to him and he told me he feels like he's getting interrogated by his mom all over again. I know he hates that but I can't just sit here and pretend to ignore it. I asked him how can I bring up my concerns in a way that doesn't feel like I'm grilling him or not trusting him. I'm trying hard to not question him about where his money's going and what he's doing all day in the city unless I can make it casual conversion just to see what he'll say even though its probably a lie anyway.
I feel like he wont fess up because he thinks I'll throw him out, even though he said he knows I'd understand if he messed up. I told him I would understand and as long as he got back on track I would not kick him out. Anyone making such huge changes is bound to slip up especially with the stress he is under. And I know if he is on the street he'll give up and not try to stop using. He's been in that situation way too many times in his life and being homeless sucks but gives him even more of a reason to use. Also once I realized he's using I stopped helping him out with any kind of money.
If I keep bringing up the signs I see I'm going to push him away and make him not want to tell me even more. I've seen him do it with his mom. But I can't sit here quiet until I catch him with a needle in his arm.
I really need some advice on how to approach this subject with out him getting defensive and trying to turn it on me and make me sound like i'm being paranoid. I know I can't keep this in much longer, I'm afraid I'm going to blurt it all out and make our communication worse.
He's always told me I'm the one person he can talk to about anything and I don't want to ruin that by going about this the wrong way but I really feel like I need to make him accountable. Its killing me that he's lying to me about this, the one thing he knows he can talk about freely with me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi this probably should be moved to Substance Abuse you are on the Friends and Family Forum for Alcoholism
But I'll give you my two cents.....
What does it matter whether he tells you or not? You already know. Clearly your boundaries are not enforced. You told him can't use and he is. You won't kick him out.
Addicts lie. There is no accountability because you aren't willing to remove him from the home.
Sounds like its your house. What about how YOU want to live? Is this acceptable to YOU?
P.S. If your way of dealing with this is to "expect slip ups" you are in for a long hard road.
But I'll give you my two cents.....
What does it matter whether he tells you or not? You already know. Clearly your boundaries are not enforced. You told him can't use and he is. You won't kick him out.
Addicts lie. There is no accountability because you aren't willing to remove him from the home.
Sounds like its your house. What about how YOU want to live? Is this acceptable to YOU?
P.S. If your way of dealing with this is to "expect slip ups" you are in for a long hard road.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What red said. And I'm confused about something else. Did you meet him WHILE he was in prison?
I'm not sure what you think you are doing, but you don't just swoop into an addict's life and "save" them with love and understanding. If that worked, none of us would be on these boards.
I don't know what he's charged with now, but if he's been out of prison only a few months, he's looking at a parole violation in addition to whatever new sentence(s) might be imposed. It seems to me that this is not a promising relationship.
I'm not sure what you think you are doing, but you don't just swoop into an addict's life and "save" them with love and understanding. If that worked, none of us would be on these boards.
I don't know what he's charged with now, but if he's been out of prison only a few months, he's looking at a parole violation in addition to whatever new sentence(s) might be imposed. It seems to me that this is not a promising relationship.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
He's manipulating you by telling you you remind him of his "Mom" so you won't ask.
And you are getting tied up in knots trying to figure out how to ask.
Also have you been tested for H.I.V and Hep C? Take care of yourself not him.
And you are getting tied up in knots trying to figure out how to ask.
Also have you been tested for H.I.V and Hep C? Take care of yourself not him.
Originally Posted by ineffablehope 
Hi. I'm new here. I have been in a relationship with someone for 6 months who is a heroin addict. He has been using for about 10 years now, all of his adult life. I knew this going into it and tried my best to prepare myself how to handle stuff. After coming home from prison he was clean for the first month we dates, relapsed and went into rehab about a month later. He relapsed a week after coming home and used for a month. (We were not together during this time) After several incidents he ended up coming to stay with me for 2 weeks until he went to detox. He then went to rehab and we talked almost everyday. He got set up with a recovery house and things were sounding so good for him.
During his last relapse he got into a lot of trouble and has several court cases coming up, one of which was this past week and really threw him for a loop and he went out right after and used and left the recovery house. He used for 3 days and then came to stay with me again. He found a good na meeting he liked and says he feels like he can really do it this time. I know he doesn't want to live like this anymore and just cant seem to figure out how not to use. He insists that he is clean right now (one of the conditions of him staying here is that he's not using) but I know he's not. He's not using like he was but theres several signs that he's definitely back at it. I found a syringe cap on the floor, but he always keeps one even when he's clean in the past, I just handed it to him and said you forgot this. Then the next day he was in the bathroom for like 10 min and came out looking a little high and nodding off a bit here and there. When I saw him nod off I asked straight out if he used. He said no and if he did he would tell me bc he knows he can talk to me. The next morning I heard the bathroom door lock and he was in there for a little while, I said I had to come in for something and found a tissue with blood on it on the floor in the area I know he sits to use and I saw him take a water bottle in the bathroom, which he does when he's using. Later I saw the bottle not closed right and found a filter caught in the rim. Last night he was in there for a bit and came out totally nodding off. He's also asking people for money, I mean he's not working right now so he does need some money but he doesn't have any bills to pay or food to buy (he gets food stamps.) He's spending longer time in the city than he should be for what he says he's doing there.
I know from him using for only a few days and stopping that he'd be having some slight withdraw questions and telling me about when he's tempted or having a hard time not using. So far no withdraw and he's only mentioned cravings briefly a couple times. I know it really would not be this easy for him to stop after 3 days of using.
I know he's using, not one doubt in my mind.
We have always talked openly about his drug use and he's never tried to deny using before, he usually tells me he relapsed before I ever ask. I brought up a few of these signs here and there to him and he told me he feels like he's getting interrogated by his mom all over again. I know he hates that but I can't just sit here and pretend to ignore it. I asked him how can I bring up my concerns in a way that doesn't feel like I'm grilling him or not trusting him. I'm trying hard to not question him about where his money's going and what he's doing all day in the city unless I can make it casual conversion just to see what he'll say even though its probably a lie anyway.
I feel like he wont fess up because he thinks I'll throw him out, even though he said he knows I'd understand if he messed up. I told him I would understand and as long as he got back on track I would not kick him out. Anyone making such huge changes is bound to slip up especially with the stress he is under. And I know if he is on the street he'll give up and not try to stop using. He's been in that situation way too many times in his life and being homeless sucks but gives him even more of a reason to use. Also once I realized he's using I stopped helping him out with any kind of money.
If I keep bringing up the signs I see I'm going to push him away and make him not want to tell me even more. I've seen him do it with his mom. But I can't sit here quiet until I catch him with a needle in his arm.
I really need some advice on how to approach this subject with out him getting defensive and trying to turn it on me and make me sound like i'm being paranoid. I know I can't keep this in much longer, I'm afraid I'm going to blurt it all out and make our communication worse.
He's always told me I'm the one person he can talk to about anything and I don't want to ruin that by going about this the wrong way but I really feel like I need to make him accountable. Its killing me that he's lying to me about this, the one thing he knows he can talk about freely with me.
During his last relapse he got into a lot of trouble and has several court cases coming up, one of which was this past week and really threw him for a loop and he went out right after and used and left the recovery house. He used for 3 days and then came to stay with me again. He found a good na meeting he liked and says he feels like he can really do it this time. I know he doesn't want to live like this anymore and just cant seem to figure out how not to use. He insists that he is clean right now (one of the conditions of him staying here is that he's not using) but I know he's not. He's not using like he was but theres several signs that he's definitely back at it. I found a syringe cap on the floor, but he always keeps one even when he's clean in the past, I just handed it to him and said you forgot this. Then the next day he was in the bathroom for like 10 min and came out looking a little high and nodding off a bit here and there. When I saw him nod off I asked straight out if he used. He said no and if he did he would tell me bc he knows he can talk to me. The next morning I heard the bathroom door lock and he was in there for a little while, I said I had to come in for something and found a tissue with blood on it on the floor in the area I know he sits to use and I saw him take a water bottle in the bathroom, which he does when he's using. Later I saw the bottle not closed right and found a filter caught in the rim. Last night he was in there for a bit and came out totally nodding off. He's also asking people for money, I mean he's not working right now so he does need some money but he doesn't have any bills to pay or food to buy (he gets food stamps.) He's spending longer time in the city than he should be for what he says he's doing there.
I know from him using for only a few days and stopping that he'd be having some slight withdraw questions and telling me about when he's tempted or having a hard time not using. So far no withdraw and he's only mentioned cravings briefly a couple times. I know it really would not be this easy for him to stop after 3 days of using.
I know he's using, not one doubt in my mind.
We have always talked openly about his drug use and he's never tried to deny using before, he usually tells me he relapsed before I ever ask. I brought up a few of these signs here and there to him and he told me he feels like he's getting interrogated by his mom all over again. I know he hates that but I can't just sit here and pretend to ignore it. I asked him how can I bring up my concerns in a way that doesn't feel like I'm grilling him or not trusting him. I'm trying hard to not question him about where his money's going and what he's doing all day in the city unless I can make it casual conversion just to see what he'll say even though its probably a lie anyway.
I feel like he wont fess up because he thinks I'll throw him out, even though he said he knows I'd understand if he messed up. I told him I would understand and as long as he got back on track I would not kick him out. Anyone making such huge changes is bound to slip up especially with the stress he is under. And I know if he is on the street he'll give up and not try to stop using. He's been in that situation way too many times in his life and being homeless sucks but gives him even more of a reason to use. Also once I realized he's using I stopped helping him out with any kind of money.
If I keep bringing up the signs I see I'm going to push him away and make him not want to tell me even more. I've seen him do it with his mom. But I can't sit here quiet until I catch him with a needle in his arm.
I really need some advice on how to approach this subject with out him getting defensive and trying to turn it on me and make me sound like i'm being paranoid. I know I can't keep this in much longer, I'm afraid I'm going to blurt it all out and make our communication worse.
He's always told me I'm the one person he can talk to about anything and I don't want to ruin that by going about this the wrong way but I really feel like I need to make him accountable. Its killing me that he's lying to me about this, the one thing he knows he can talk about freely with me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2
Thank you for all of your input. Sorry i posted in the wrong forum, i meant to be in substance abuse. I know he's manipulating me , I just dont know what to do about it. I'm trying so hard to set boundries &stick to them &reminding myself its in his best interest not to break my bou dries. The only thing I haven't stuck to is him living with me. I can't bring myself to kick him out after knowing what being homeless was like for him before. I hate this. I know addicts lie &manipulate to get what they want but I guess I was delusional into thinking our relationship was deep enough that he'd be honest with me. I know I can't keep letting him lie to me &stay here. He's used up all of his rehab time insurance pays for the year, I feel so helpless knowing he can't turn there for help again. It feels like unless he ends up going to jail there's no hope. I told him I would never give up on him or stop having faith that he can get clean, I feel like i'm going back on my promise or something.
To answer some questions no I've known him &his family since we were in 2nd grade. I didn't meet him in or just out of prison . I've known of his ups & downs over the years but we've just gotten much closer since he's been out. And yes I am being safe &looking out for my health, and trying my best to look out for my mental/emotional well being. I've never been in love like this before.I'm trying to sort out what's manipulation and what's the truth &I'm just not sure about anything anymore except that I love him &I want him clean so we can have the life we talk about having one day. I've decided to talk to him &tell him he can't stay as much as it upsets me. It'd be so much easier if I felt like being on the street would be his bottom, but I know it won't change anything for him other than make him more depressed.
To answer some questions no I've known him &his family since we were in 2nd grade. I didn't meet him in or just out of prison . I've known of his ups & downs over the years but we've just gotten much closer since he's been out. And yes I am being safe &looking out for my health, and trying my best to look out for my mental/emotional well being. I've never been in love like this before.I'm trying to sort out what's manipulation and what's the truth &I'm just not sure about anything anymore except that I love him &I want him clean so we can have the life we talk about having one day. I've decided to talk to him &tell him he can't stay as much as it upsets me. It'd be so much easier if I felt like being on the street would be his bottom, but I know it won't change anything for him other than make him more depressed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Addiction is addiction, whether alcohol or drugs, the disease follows similar and predictable patterns.
Have you sought out any support for yourself, like Naranon or Alanon meetings? Alanon is where I have been learning how to stick to my boundaries and protect myself from other people's poor choices.
I told him I would never give up on him or stop having faith that he can get clean, I feel like i'm going back on my promise or something.
There's a difference between not giving up on someone and enabling their self-destruction. Giving him a comfortable place to use without consequences may seem OK because you think you're keeping him off the streets, but it's just allowing his disease to progress. All the times I thought I was helping my ex, I was really just giving his alcoholism a soft landing so it could continue unabated. You can support someone from afar, offer them encouragement and comfort without giving them a license to abuse your your kindness by using drugs in your home and disrespecting your boundaries.
It feels like unless he ends up going to jail there's no hope... It'd be so much easier if I felt like being on the street would be his bottom, but I know it won't change anything for him other than make him more depressed.
I used to feel like I knew what my ex needed to get sober, but that was me trying to play god, and control the uncontrollable. No one but him can know what will be the turning point in his life. His choices and his consequences are his own. All you can do is take care of you.
Have you sought out any support for yourself, like Naranon or Alanon meetings? Alanon is where I have been learning how to stick to my boundaries and protect myself from other people's poor choices.
I told him I would never give up on him or stop having faith that he can get clean, I feel like i'm going back on my promise or something.
There's a difference between not giving up on someone and enabling their self-destruction. Giving him a comfortable place to use without consequences may seem OK because you think you're keeping him off the streets, but it's just allowing his disease to progress. All the times I thought I was helping my ex, I was really just giving his alcoholism a soft landing so it could continue unabated. You can support someone from afar, offer them encouragement and comfort without giving them a license to abuse your your kindness by using drugs in your home and disrespecting your boundaries.
It feels like unless he ends up going to jail there's no hope... It'd be so much easier if I felt like being on the street would be his bottom, but I know it won't change anything for him other than make him more depressed.
I used to feel like I knew what my ex needed to get sober, but that was me trying to play god, and control the uncontrollable. No one but him can know what will be the turning point in his life. His choices and his consequences are his own. All you can do is take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but I think my story may shed a little light.
I was a hopeless codependent, in love with an alcoholic. I tried, for over 20 years, to make it all right. I couldn't and unfortunately, I turned to drugs to deal with it.
I have two other ex bf's who were addicts. I was a slow learner.
Number one - addicts will lie or manipulate to protect their addiction. I'm a really lousy liar, but I lied to my dad. It didn't take long for the truth to come out. By then, I was living on the streets and I didn't care, I was brutally honest.
He offered to go into debt to put me in rehab. I had access to a free rehab, didn't want it. As much as I hated being an addict, I was then in my comfort zone.
I went from being an RN to selling myself for drugs. I slept wherever, an abandoned apartment, on someone's porch, in one of the dope boy's spots.
Consequences kept happening and my dad finally said "that's it. I will not help you destroy yourself".
I got locked up, I had to get a job and I did. I did darned good for about a year, then relapsed in a major way.
I went back to dad's with my head held low. I am WAY older than a person who should be living with a parent. I was treated like a teenager - answer my phone, let him and my stepmom know where I was, pay my bills and pay rent. It was hard, but I was DONE with drugs and knew that I had to re-earn trust.
With a little bit over 8 years in recovery I can tell you this. I am in recovery - one ex is still a drunk, one is dead and I have no idea where the other is.
The same dad that showed me "tough love" enabled his wife, my stepmom, with her addiction. She died a little over a year ago. I found her, in the next room and tried CPR but it was too late.
I was a recovering addict, but I could not get through to my stepmom.
If I had not been forced to deal with my consequences, I would probably be dead or in prison.
There are several moms here who have had their children die of a heroin OD in their house.
I don't say this to scare you, I say this to point out that you can't control what he does.
My stepsister is a heroin addict and I love her dearly. She's been in prison, she did good, she was high as a kite when my dad called to tell her that her mom was dead. I love her, but I can't fix her.
My addiction recovery blossomed when my codependency recovery took hold. I let go of the idea that I could save anyone. I can share what I know, but people will do what they will do.
Please keep reading and posting. You aren't alone. I found SR when I was first thinking of getting clean, it took 2-1/2 years before I joined. I found my "home" in the F&F forums.
I believe we have to take care of ourselves and allow others to live their life. It may not always have a happy ending, but sometimes it's what our loved one needs.
A saying we have around here is "let go or be dragged". Don't let yourself get dragged down, you deserve better than that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I was a hopeless codependent, in love with an alcoholic. I tried, for over 20 years, to make it all right. I couldn't and unfortunately, I turned to drugs to deal with it.
I have two other ex bf's who were addicts. I was a slow learner.
Number one - addicts will lie or manipulate to protect their addiction. I'm a really lousy liar, but I lied to my dad. It didn't take long for the truth to come out. By then, I was living on the streets and I didn't care, I was brutally honest.
He offered to go into debt to put me in rehab. I had access to a free rehab, didn't want it. As much as I hated being an addict, I was then in my comfort zone.
I went from being an RN to selling myself for drugs. I slept wherever, an abandoned apartment, on someone's porch, in one of the dope boy's spots.
Consequences kept happening and my dad finally said "that's it. I will not help you destroy yourself".
I got locked up, I had to get a job and I did. I did darned good for about a year, then relapsed in a major way.
I went back to dad's with my head held low. I am WAY older than a person who should be living with a parent. I was treated like a teenager - answer my phone, let him and my stepmom know where I was, pay my bills and pay rent. It was hard, but I was DONE with drugs and knew that I had to re-earn trust.
With a little bit over 8 years in recovery I can tell you this. I am in recovery - one ex is still a drunk, one is dead and I have no idea where the other is.
The same dad that showed me "tough love" enabled his wife, my stepmom, with her addiction. She died a little over a year ago. I found her, in the next room and tried CPR but it was too late.
I was a recovering addict, but I could not get through to my stepmom.
If I had not been forced to deal with my consequences, I would probably be dead or in prison.
There are several moms here who have had their children die of a heroin OD in their house.
I don't say this to scare you, I say this to point out that you can't control what he does.
My stepsister is a heroin addict and I love her dearly. She's been in prison, she did good, she was high as a kite when my dad called to tell her that her mom was dead. I love her, but I can't fix her.
My addiction recovery blossomed when my codependency recovery took hold. I let go of the idea that I could save anyone. I can share what I know, but people will do what they will do.
Please keep reading and posting. You aren't alone. I found SR when I was first thinking of getting clean, it took 2-1/2 years before I joined. I found my "home" in the F&F forums.
I believe we have to take care of ourselves and allow others to live their life. It may not always have a happy ending, but sometimes it's what our loved one needs.
A saying we have around here is "let go or be dragged". Don't let yourself get dragged down, you deserve better than that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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