Left my addicted spouse and feeling very sad.

Old 03-26-2015, 03:24 PM
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Left my addicted spouse and feeling very sad.

Hi,

I posted here for the first time back in October when I found out my husband had picked up a heroin addiction. It was a very short period of time that he was using when we stayed back at his family home, and when I found out was when we were moving house to a new area. He didn't tell me I found out.

However then he quit cold turkey and ended up in hospital.

Then he went into recovery and was attending SMART meetings and seeing a drugs worker.

I knew when I married him that he used heroin many years ago however I thought that was in the past (I got the impression he had been clean of heroin for years).

When we met he was a very heaver drinker, and I refused to move ahead with the relationship while he was drinking like that.

He stopped drinking for a year. Then we got married.

However after we were married more stuff came to light, like that he had only come off methadone a few years ago. Recently I have come to suspect that he has always had some kind of addiction, and that he just switched substances, except possibly for 8 months last year when we were traveling when I don't think he would have been able to get anything (although of course I do not know for sure).

The thing is he is not mean or abusive or any of those things. In fact he is very loving. Which makes it kind of hard, especially when I read some of the stories on here of what some people's spouses do when addicted. Our finances did suffer, however he is not a person who doesn't work... he works.

However after his relapse to heroin the trust in our relationship was shot to bits and I became codependent and unhealthy. I was suspicious, angry, resentful and anxious. I found it hard to get on with my business and my health began to suffer. I didn't like who I was being and I didn't trust him at all.

I also suspected that he was using something again, although I could not prove it. I decided to trust my gut rather than him this time.

So about 4 days ago I told him we needed to separate and I left.

However I really miss him. I'm feeling so sad and I didn't want it to end this way.

Trying to be strong and remind myself that this is the best thing.

We also have a dog, who belonged to him before, and so I have had to leave the dog as well. This is heartbreaking too, and I miss the dog terribly too. Sometimes I feel concerned about them both. I used to walk the dog while he was at work. My ex did always look after the dog, but it still feels bad.

I would love some reassurance or comforting words.

Thank you.
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Old 03-26-2015, 04:28 PM
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My son is an alcoholic and sometimes he is the sweetest person on Earth. It KILLS me to detach and goes against every instinct I have. However, if I could go back a few years and lay down the law I might not have had all these years of pain, mistrust, anxiety, etc. I think you did exactly what needed to be done. We can only hope he will leave that life behind because he wants you more than the drugs.
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Old 03-26-2015, 04:30 PM
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CarmenLove, there is no painless way to go through this, of course it hurts terribly to lose your dreams of what might have been.

But if you read around you will see what you could expect if you remained in a marriage with active addiction and sadly it gets worse over time. Let his actions, not his words, help you decide where to go from here.

Meetings have helped many of us find our balance again, Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about us and learning how to live a healthy happy life...regardless of what we have come from. Maybe give them a try and see if they don't help you too.

Although it hurts right now, I promise that it will get better with time. Living alone is more peaceful than living with active addiction.

Please know that whatever path you choose, we are all walking with you and we care.

Hugs
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Old 03-26-2015, 05:55 PM
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So about 4 days ago I told him we needed to separate and I left.

However I really miss him. I'm feeling so sad and I didn't want it to end this way.
I'm sorry that it had to come to this. And I'm sorry that this hurts so much.

But I'm not sorry you did it. Not by a long shot.

When we love someone like you love your husband, there is a really powerful urge to go above and beyond in trying to fix that person. But the sad truth is you can't fix him. No one can, but him.

Sometimes we're forced to do things we don't want to do but have to, even when it hurts like hell. Emotional pain sucks. Sometimes, we can't avoid it.

But what we can avoid, should we so choose, is being in situations where we are totally compromised. And that's what you did. You removed yourself from a situation that over time would have compromised you to the point where you'd probably break down. That took a lot of strength, Carmen, and I commend you for it.

Stick around. We're here to support you.
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Old 03-26-2015, 06:01 PM
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Hey.... I'm 7 weeks into leaving my ex-wife for the second time. I've invested 14 years into this chaos. Please,.... please know that what your doing is going to save you SO much pain and suffering in the long run. You are doing the right thing, it might not feel good but it is the right thing. Stay strong!
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Old 03-27-2015, 04:03 AM
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Thank you everybody.

It feels good to hear from you all.

Does anyone have any thoughts about the dog? It may seem silly and I really care about that dog and don't want him to suffer. To be clear my ex always loved and took care of the dog, however I don't want the dog to feel depressed while he is away at work and hope the addiction does not affect his care of the dog.
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Old 03-27-2015, 04:51 AM
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Cl- if you put it this way,if you stay you are enabling him to do his drugs. You are helping him kill himself. By walking away, he will hopefully get help. But you don't contribute to his addiction. You really have no option but to stay away or get buRned. You can't help him.

I divorced my a after 34 years together. We have a dog. The dog lives with me but he has taken her about a half a dozen time. I would be more worried about the dog eating and being taken care of if he is a addict, in my opinion. Is the dog safe in his carE?
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:32 AM
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Hi Maia1234,

Well historically (i.e. the last 4 years) he has always taken excellent care of the dog. Even when he has been really broke he would feed the dog before himself.

So judging by that dog should be OK. I don't know the answer though.

Plus it's his dog.

He isn't a mean or abusive addict. He is a functioning addict.

I hope that they are both OK.
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Old 03-27-2015, 12:16 PM
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Carmen, I'm in almost the same situation, except that I kicked my AH out after recurring sketchy behavior, his being unemployed, not being reliable & helping out around the house, blah blah blah.

We too have a dog. I would go with your gut on that. My AH has never, no matter how impaired he's been, hurt, neglected or otherwise abused the dog. He always makes sure he has lots of food & water, plays with him, etc. In all honesty, the dog likely prefers AH over me since our son came along-at least AH gives him lots of attention!!

Stay strong. It sucks. It hurts, & it's humiliating to have to walk away/force the addict to leave. But there has to be an end to what you'll put up with from him, or you'll just end up completely losing yourself.

Hugs.
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Old 03-27-2015, 04:35 PM
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Thank you mnh1982.

Yes I think our dog preferred my husband too as I was always 'bad cop' :-)
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Old 03-27-2015, 04:37 PM
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So I think I have been very codependent feeling tonight.

I have been feeling worried about my ex. Perhaps as a way to avoid my own feelings?

I'm actually feeling pretty awful. Anxious, lonely and not very loveable right now (although I know this is not true).
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Old 03-27-2015, 05:04 PM
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Me too.
Why?
I'm tired. The baby slept terribly last night, so I didn't sleep at all. It is lonely in our house without my AH, even though 80% of the time, when he IS there, it's like there are TOO MANY PEOPLE. I know my decision is for the best, and probably the last & only way to get through to him, but it still seems like everyone is watching, judging & criticizing me. I am not doing this because AH is a horrible or even bad person, I'm doing it because I can't take the selfishness or being taken for granted anymore. I still feel like a harsh, unmoving douchecanoe. As it is, our relationship has put gaps between me and my family, and some of my friends, so I too feel not particularly loveable, and that includes the GD dog who prefers AH.

So...nutshell...just a lot of Friday word vomit to let you know you're not alone, Carmen.
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Old 03-27-2015, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by CarmenLove View Post
So I think I have been very codependent feeling tonight.

I have been feeling worried about my ex. Perhaps as a way to avoid my own feelings?

I'm actually feeling pretty awful. Anxious, lonely and not very loveable right now (although I know this is not true).
Carmen...just because you've left him doesn't mean you've stopped caring about him and what happens to him.

You just can't allow those feelings to hijack your judgment.
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Old 03-27-2015, 06:59 PM
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mnh1982.

It does make me laugh about the dogs though!

Thanks for the support.
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Old 03-27-2015, 06:59 PM
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zoso77,

Quite right. I won't let it affect my decision.

Thank you.
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by CarmenLove View Post
zoso77,

Quite right. I won't let it affect my decision.

Thank you.
I know that this is difficult for you. I'm not trying to minimize how difficult it is for you. I know it absolutely f*cking sucks for you.

But what you need to understand about heroin addiction is it's brutal. It's all encompassing. It will never, ever let go of someone without a fight once it has someone in its grip. His brain vividly recalls what it's like to be under the influence, and in a very tangible way, that works against him. Based on that, the safe play for you is to assume the worst. Which means you have to protect yourself.

Keep posting. Keep reaching out.
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Old 03-28-2015, 09:54 AM
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When I first left my AH, I very much felt what you are feeling and I let myself be paralyzed by it for a long time. I wallowed in it and it took over. I had to be very methodical and deliberate in getting moving again because to my surprise and angst, the whole world didn't stop moving while I languished and grieved. My heart is with you. Giving up on someone you love is super, super hard. But I realized my AH isn't the person I loved anymore and may never be again. How long was I willing to set my life aside and suffer the consequences to possibly find out years into the future I was fighting a battle neither of us would never win and if I couldn't have saved him, I could have at least saved my kids and myself? That unknown became a bigger fear than losing him. The fear of suffering with him and my children suffering with him and losing all those years with him had to be greater than the fear of losing him. So I set myself on a path of constantly reminding myself of what I needed to be happy in my life and the further I went down that path, the further he was left in the distance because he chose to be left behind. I had to do it for my kids and myself no matter how long the short term pain was and sometimes still is if I allow myself to dwell on it. In hindsight now, what is a year of pain in my life compared to a lifetime of it had I chosen to stay married? It's a drop in the bucket. My advice, as soon as possible, write everything down you need to get done and/or should do. Even put down take a shower, go get groceries, call my friend. Do this every evening. Put it on the calendar. Cross it off once you've done it. In the first days, it helps keep your basic priorities straight because believe me, I know how hard it is to brush your teeth when your mind is probably racing and I'm not just saying this to be funny, I'm totally serious. Start there with the real simple things and work your way up to everyday adding one more thing you can accomplish. It will make you feel like you are getting your homework done and taking care of yourself and that will lead to bigger and better things and keep you on track. Good luck and best wishes!
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Old 03-28-2015, 04:39 PM
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What I am finding hard right now is that I am missing him and he has just withdrawn and seems completely indifferent / acting sorta normal / cheerful like nothing has happened.

We've been in touch via e-mail about some practical stuff.

He mentioned his Dad stayed with him for a few nights. I find his Dad very toxic to be around. His dad blamed me when husband relapsed saying it was because I wasn't being a good wife! Urgh. So it's really triggering to hear that he is there.

With everyone acting all 'normal' it almost makes me question my own judgement.

When he relapsed his Mum came to the hospital and while I was glad of the support, and she is a super nice person, she brought him loads of presents and new clothes and stuff for him.... and it's not that I wanted him to be punished, it's just it felt a bit like enabling, or at least cleaning up the mess and sort of 'spoiling' him, as though he was simply ill. I don't know it just felt weird.

I know she loves him, I just don't think any of them have educated themselves about addiction.

She said she 'wouldn't let him (be addicted)'... and everyone acted like it was just a 1 off thing that happened just because he was feel in depressed. Including him.

I see that this addiction has been around much longer.

Since he's been in recovery and clean (possibly??) he calls himself an addict, however he would still reject it if I ever referred back to the addiction he had to alcohol before.

His mum shared some of the stuff that happened during his childhood when his parents divorced and how his dad would humiliate him if he ever cried when he was a child.

It all just feels like so much denial.

And then I doubt myself and wonder if I am just crazy and toxic. I wonder if they are right and I've got it all wrong, and I am simply a bad wife.

He has also developed emotional relationships to younger girls who he worked with in the past. Not sexual, however they would be texting each other all the time, laughing and joking. This happened several times over, always with younger girls at his various work places.

I told him I was not cool with it, however he would say it was innocent. I said it still felt bad.

This was another reason I left.

I see that the connection with us two was lost, and I'm not saying it was ALL his fault, it just feels like everyone else gets the fun, and I get left with the sh*t! Plus it seems like I am the 'crazy' one.

Can anyone relate?

Ah well. never mind.

I need to focus on getting that connection back for myself, and creating the fun by in my life.
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Old 03-28-2015, 04:43 PM
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I notice how much time I (and sometimes we - the spouses and significant others) spend talking about the addicts, and how little time we spend talking about ourselves.

For me I am gradually going to begin focusing more and me and speaking about how *I* feel.

Right now I feel a little bit lonely / sad. And I don't feel that attractive.

However I also feel like things are going to be OK.

And sometimes I feel hella angry.
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Old 03-28-2015, 11:17 PM
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What you speak of carmen is textbook gaslighting and "crazymaking"

It is a form of manipulation used by addicts and their enablers to hide the addiction, and pretend everything is ok. To be brutally honest... It is all simply a lie. You are not the crazy one at all. They are stuck in the insanity of addiction. They really do believe what they say of course, but if I really believed that the sky was neon green and the grass was pink would that make it true!? No! It would mean that my perception of reality was distorted for one reason or another.

There is nothing anyone can do to make another person use or stay sober. I'm sure that you are not a bad wife. There are hundreds of people who have so called "bad spouses" and they don't get high at all. There always seems to be a scapegoat doesn't there? There was a time when my AHs mom blamed me and I blamed her and AH blamed all of us. It's very common. It took a very long time for us to blame him for his own choices to use, and even longer for him to admit it.

Innocent conversations with other girls huh? Well no you are not crazy at all there either. A good husband would respect you enough to limit interactions with other young floozies if it made you uncomfortable.

We do spend so much time talking about them instead of talking about us don't we? That's the nature of it I suppose. A loved ones addiction can be a wonderful distraction from our own issues.

It's ok to feel sad and lonely, just don't unpack and live there. You are never alone. You have us remember?

I can relate to feeling unattractive sometimes. There is and old saying that says:

"If you only washed the outside of a cup, the inside will still be dirty, but if you wash the inside of the cup, then the outside will become clean as a result."

This means that outward beauty really does mean nothing if our souls are in poor shape, but the more we work on repairing and cleaning up our heart, then it will show outwardly. This of course takes time. I started very very slowly. I remember the first day in a long time that I got a pedicure just because I wanted one. I took a bath and read a book. Baby steps of course.

I'm sorry for the long post. Your thread really moved me. Hugs
Lily
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