kris101231

Hi All,

It's been a couple of months since my break-up with my serious boyfriend of 3 years. The fact that he has not contacted me (even when drunk) really shakes me. I can't help but wonder why he has not contacted me - to apologize or even fight for our relationship. He knew that his drinking was ruining our relationship, and he also started to disrespect our relationship with other women while drunk. These two reasons led to our breakup. However, rest assured he said he "never cheated" on me (*sarcasm*). Because he acts like our relationship meant nothing to him - he just goes out and drinks with his buddies and "makes a fool out of himself" according to the grapeline - I start to question if our love was even real. I start to question why someone wouldn't fight for me after such a strong, loving relationship.

Any words of advice?
How do you move on when you lose someone to alcohol? Does anyone know how badly it stings when they seem like they don't even care that you are gone from their life? We planned our future together....

Eauchiche

I am going through this with my partner of 15 years. We have been separated for a year, and it is still difficult.
I can tell you, though, that the hard times get further and further apart.
Go to AlAnon. Go to several AlAnon meetings a week if you need to.

suki44883

My first bit of advice is to get away from the grapevine. You do not need to know what is going on in his life. It will just keep you upset and serves no purpose.

Alcoholics/addicts only care about their fix. When it becomes too difficult with one person, they move on so they can continue to drink/use without the hassle.

This doesn't mean they never cared about you, it only means that their addiction has progressed to the point where drinking/using is more imperative to them.

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. (((HUGS)))

biminiblue

I think you should ask yourself why you want him to come back?

Once broken up, the smart thing to do is stay broken up. He's an ex for a reason.

charis78

Same thing happened to me. Hurts everyday. Wish I knew the answer. Hugs!

FeelingGreat

kris, my counsellor told me it was normal to feel there should be 'closure' after the break up of a significant relationship, but it doesn't always happen, and we can move on anyway.

I longed for a heart-to-heart where we told each other we still loved them but couldn't be together etc etc. When you think about it, it's just a TV or movie script, where we think everything is wrapped up neatly, every time.

Concentrate on yourself, and how you will go on with your life. For now, try to resist the temptation to find out about him from friends.

LadyinBC

Because at the end of the day you are interfering in our relationship with alcohol. Ugh I know it is a harsh thing to say.

When I was drinking all I cared about was my booze. How I could get, when I could get it and when I could drink it. I even manipulated my doctor to put me on stress leave from work because now work started interfering in my drinking. I didn't care about anyone or anything else unless it was my booze.

Alcoholism is progressive and it just gets worse and worse. I am lucky I bottomed out when I did. When I stopped drinking I felt like I lost my best friend, I truly did. I mourned it. It is like it is it's own entity if that makes any sense.

It is hard to understand this though if you aren't an alcoholic. Even my daughter still doesn't fully understand it. Heck I didn't understand it growing up with an alcoholic mother, but I sure get it now.

It is frustrating to you though because you haven't done anything wrong and there is nothing you can do to fix him. It isn't you, it is the booze and him.

I am so sorry you are having to go thru this.

honeypig

Kris, I know I always expect there to be some form of "justice" in situations like this--I expect to see the person I view as the wrongdoer get his/her just desserts, and in a timely fashion, too! Once in a while, it happens that way. Seems like most often, though, they go their merry way and I'm left annoyed b/c that person "got away with" things.

I don't know if that's a little bit of what's going on w/you?

What has helped me in the past are 2 things:
1) Remembering that "the best revenge is living well" and working towards making my own life good. The great thing here is that once you're really getting your own ducks in a row to do that "living well" thing, you don't care about the "revenge" aspect any more...
2) Alanon reminding me that that person is not on my side of the street. It is not, and never was, up to me to make sure that he/she got what they deserved. Since when do I hand out judgments? Letting go is huge.

And I'd agree w/those who say to disengage from the grapevine, at least as regards him. You simply don't need to know. It only keeps you hooked in to what has nothing to do w/you any more. Letting go will end your pain eventually--hanging on will prolong it.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

NWGRITS

The best expectations with an alcoholic are no expectations. We are surrounded by these images on the TV screen and in movies about how things always end up perfectly balanced - there is some sort of closure and everyone goes on their merry way. The closure you're going to get from this is likely going to be what you make for yourself. Hanging around and waiting for anything from him is going to breed more resentment, as expectations are wont to do.

The bigger part of this is realizing (and accepting) that none of this has anything to do with you. He is an alcoholic. He is doing what alcoholics do. His actions don't have anything to do with you, it's all about protecting the addiction. Addicts don't do things TO people. He didn't do any of this because of anything you did or didn't do or say. It's not about you. To him, people are expendable and there will always be another enabler to suck into the vortex. All of this just to be able to drink. Be glad he's gone and not talking to you. He did you a huge favor by cutting off contact.

kudzujean

I strongly second that emotion.

The rest of suki's post I thought was good too.

eyeoftheholder

Kris I love your thread it could have been me writing it myself.
I have noticed the many people that have answered your thread have either been through this themselves or have many thousands of posts under their belts and I love the fact seeing it from the other side from LadyinBC.
Im in the early days of my relationship breakdown and I didnt want him to get away with using me and told him off on facebook of all places.
I actually asked him to block me as my addiction to him was so strong and I felt so hard done too.
Its almost 2 months now and even yesterday I spent half the day having a meltdown over my still broken heart.
He is so strong that he doesnt need to phone me, contact me in any way
give me closure, or apologize.
Even though I told him Id cried every day for weeks he didnt give a damn
just so he can be free to drink and not have to worry in case he behaved badly.

The more you seem to love them the more abusive they become and the more you love them the more it hurts so terribly.

Theres no going back you are basically giving this person a certificate to abuse you and what ever pain you are in now would be even worse the next time around.

The pain was so bad inside and nothing would stop it I tried all sorts and now it has lifted an I just have breakdowns and bawl my eyes out.
Im thinking of looking for some kind of retreat so I can learn the art of detachment.

I also love the thread from lightInside from 24 feb rejection and abandonment this helped me a great deal.

Just to let you know Kris you are not alone and the moments I have when I forget my XAB are quite euphoric and Im looking forward to being emotionally unattached from the poisonous person I was with who infected my soul with his heartache.

kris101231

Thank you everyone for the kind words, it is nice to know that I am not alone. I also thank everyone for sharing their experiences and for most importantly being honest. Sometimes the truth is not what you want to hear.

I realize that I may never get closure from him directly - he most likely will never reach out to me at this point. It's just a process of making sense of this all, I guess. The good news is that I'm going to speak with a counselor today. I'll post back any gold nuggets

kris101231

Eyeoftheholder, thank you. Thank you for providing me with your story, and food for thought. I am so sorry to hear that you are processing this in such a difficult way. I completely understand how you feel. Part of what has helped me begin to move on from the breakup side - well at least accept that we are broken up and there is no relationship - is knowing my worth. If your XAB came back to you, would you really take him back, especially if he refuses to change? I think you already implied in your post that you would not because it is just a ticket to abuse. Knowing that, it helps me realize that I do not want that for myself. And that makes it a little bit easier to take bigger steps going forward. As you said, there's no going back at this point.

For me, I need to find a way to make closure for myself. It's hard for me to understand that the person who is abusing alcohol is the same person who was in a loving relationship with me. The worst part is, he told me a month before our breakup that if we were to breakup, he was afraid he would be heading down the wrong path. I think he knows deep down that he has a drinking problem. But he just does not want to admit it yet or do anything about it.

So now I am left with the heartache and have to work things out for myself. I hope we can stay in touch.

kris101231

Someone sent me this quote, and I thought it was spot-on:
"Anyone who has lost a loved one knows you don't 'recover.' Instead, you learn to incorporate their absence and memories into your life and channel your emotional energy toward others, and eventually, your grief will walk beside you instead of consuming you."

eyeoftheholder

Hello Kris
Yes I would love to stay in touch in whatever way you deem possible
I live in the Uk
You know he cannot be saved and has to save himself and that all the love in the world doesnt save them and they have to love themselves and save themselves
The really inflicted ones die alone and very lonely indeed and everyone leaves them due to abuse
The ex alcoholics on here are very brave people learning to love themselves an even then you will always be far down on the list.
The thing is we put them before ourselves due to our low esteem and we have to work on ourselves so we can be appreciated.
hence ordering the book co dependant no more.
This all seems like it is written for us and Im very looking forward to learning detachment especially with my mother bless her as we have a clash
my mum is very loving and needy now
when I was a child I felt unloved and was needy to my parents who were always abandoning me for work and social reasons and i was sent to boarding school for a year for nervous kids age 7.
My Dad ran off and had an afair I got pregnant at 16
We are not alcoholics but food disorder runs in my family and I had a gastric bypass and lost 130 pounds now looking great I dont want to attract dysfuntional relationship anymore
lovely to talk to you Kris (excuse the spelling) I hope this has been therepeutic for us both honey much love <3

Katchie

I'm so sorry for your pain...big hugs!!! Truth is, before this silence, he didn't care enough and that's why you left him. Another truth, you didn't leave him, he left you a long time ago. I've been married for 22 years. I'm beginning divorce. I had all of this guilt in me that *I* would be abandoning our relationship, or marriage. But the real truth is that HE left me years ago for booze. He has not been here for his family even when you could physically see him.
What are you doing to heal yourself sweetie? Do you have a support group? A place to vent? You need to circle the wagons of love around yourself, including loving yourself enough to know you deserve so much better than what he dished out to you. Find yourself. You are still wonderful you without him in your life and I bet you'll find that you're a better you without him. That's what I'm learning!
Hugs hon..it will get better.

atalose

You said his drinking ruined our relationship along with him disrespecting the relationship with other woman, while drunk…….You make it seem like one caused the other but drinking and cheating are two very different issues. Cheating doesn’t cause drinking and drinking doesn’t cause cheating.

And I take it he is still drinking today nothing has changed YET you are looking for him to NOW respect you and the relationship you once had by giving you an apology? Those are some high expectations you have of him.

Not to sound mean or harsh here but keep looking at your part in this relationship and what you allowed before you finally left. Because I know for me it was so easy in the beginning to place all the blame on him but once I began to look at myself and my own behaviors I didn’t like what I saw because I knew I was a much stronger person then that and I hated seeing me as needy and clingy and desperate to salvage the relationship. I needed to figure all of that out about ME. Figuring him out was the easy part – he was an addict doing what addicts do. I needed to understand my part and why I was not seeing the toxic relationship that everyone else clearly was.

I’m glad you are seeing someone who can help you figure it all out.

marie1960

You will feel alot better when you let go of the notion, that he will/could/should apologize.

In order for someone to express remorse, they first, must be remorseful.

I struggled with this for quite awhile, for God's sake, you accidently bump into a stranger in a store, you say sorry, if you arrive a few minutes late, you say sorry, if you dial the wrong number, you say sorry............. but to want or wait for a sincere "I'm sorry" out of addict, thinking there is a better chance of hell freezing over.

Doesn't matter that their actions caused you so much heartache and pain, I kept forgetting it was all about him. All about his selfish need for booze, and how anytime his opportunity to drink was compromised, out came the daggers, and fighting words, and unacceptable actions.

His " I'm sorry, truly isn't going to change or fix a damn thing, a mere acknowledgement of unacceptable in not nearly enough to erase all the years of hurt.

for what it's worth, I am truly sorry you have also experienced life with an alcoholic, better days and times to come, friend, keep moving forward.

(((hugs)))

kris101231

Thank you Marie.

MrsVain

Man! that hit me HARD....OUCH! But so very true.

AX is now living with some hood rat. She lets him drink. hell., she drinks with him. i guess they both are very happy now. but it KILLS me knowing that i was nothing to him. i gave my all to him and i am just NOTHING. he doesnt even think of me. doesnt miss me. doesnt care how much pain i am in. hell. he doesnt even care if i lose my job or house. ADD in the 2 beautiful boys i gave him and it just shatters my world.

so hard to forget. so hard to let him go when i loved him so much. so hard to watch his downfall, and even worse that his life appears good. now he has what he wants, and to hell with everything we had in the past. i guess it is just too hard for me to understand. but i cant change it. i cant control it. my heart is exploded and ripped to shreads, and his is doing better with her then he was with me. life goes on thou, you cant stop it. it hurts like hell, but what can you do? not a damn thing, moving forward only because there is no other way to go.