Still dealing w/ the divorce, almost done.... maybe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Still dealing w/ the divorce, almost done.... maybe
Hi there,
I know I haven't said much for a few months but I've been hanging out here and there. I took some time and quite frankly, isolated myself for a while trying to get myself together. I really just needed the pressure of everyone around me (not you on here, but people in my day to day life), to just stop telling me I should be "over it" and how I "should" feel. I quit everybody and turned to focusing on myself. I haven't felt supported by anyone around me and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. My feelings aren't a faucet that can be turned off. I just needed time for time to do it's work so to speak.
I eventually found AH in detox at another hospital where they could also treat his heart for those who are familiar with my story. He left the one hospital, went to his mom's where he got the papers and she convinced him to go to the next hospital. The bright side is that his family now knows the truth, I was never lying that he was using. However that hasn't translated to an apology or any actual support or help. No contact from them at all really. Turns out though that he was snorting pills, whatever he could get his hands on and not using meth or at least so he claims. Oh yeah, and don't forget the coke, he was/maybe still is, using that too. He just can't seem to decide on a DOC since there's so much to try out there I guess......
Whatever the case, I suppose it doesn't matter, a drug is a drug is a drug with the same devastating consequences to anyone connected to an addict. So he got clean for a bit, claims he still is clean......but he's turned into an insensitive, angry, helpless, blaming, irresponsible, emotionally and verbally abusive dick......so I don't believe he's really IS clean. Or it's already existing defects of character amplified I chose to ignore all these years. Take your pick of one or both. Of course his idea of clean is to simply substitute smoking hydro all day, every day which makes him tired and zoned all day and night. A drone really that is impossible to have a productive conversation with let alone resolve or compromise anything with.
During this time though he claimed and still claims, that he still loves me, doesn't want the marriage to end and made lots of promises. It's hard not to get roped back in but I've still kept the divorce going and we are now a bit over half way through. Despite his declarations of love, he still disappears regularly, blames me for the problems in our marriage, is very angry with me, uncooperative as far as ignoring the paperwork we need to both sign, and doesn't maintain contact with me. Not exactly the signs of someone who really cares about their marriage. It's left me hurt and confused but that's my fault for hanging onto hope no matter how remote. Guess I got to own that part. What does one do who goes back and forth? Wants their marriage but does nothing about it? Acts like if we gets divorced it no sweat off his back but doesn't cooperate to make that happen? What the hell is he thinking? Is he trying to delay it? Then why isn't he doing anything to improve the situation? I still can't seem to wipe these questions out of my mind and it makes me angry at myself I'm still allowing my mind to be bogged down in this crap.
I admit that I never wanted and still don't want to divorce but I'm still going through with it anyway. I still cry. I still get sad and depressed. But not to the extent that it was when I made my first panicked appearance on here.
I still feel confusion too over how can he even say he loves me but do nothing about it. It makes me angry like I'm still being thrown away. It's hurt my self - esteem somewhat. I still feel abandoned. I still don't feel closure. I've had some depression. Is there no end to these feelings for goodness sakes? DANG IT ALL, I WANT A DAMN APOLOGY!!!! (Sorry for my language but that's how I feel).
But life still moves along despite that stuff so I'm just trying to take it one day at a time still. That's the best I can do right now for an update is rambling right now. My excuse is that today I'm supposed to meet him to finally get some of the paperwork signed. After weeks of doing well, yesterday I literally sobbed all day into the night, tossed and turned and the fear and anxiety and the finality is hitting me. It's really over. My marriage is about to be done. Court is coming up soon. There's no turning back and even though I admit I never wanted a divorce......I still want it too. I know that doesn't make sense probably but that's the best I can describe it. I guess I just want an ending. I'm exhausted though.
I know I haven't said much for a few months but I've been hanging out here and there. I took some time and quite frankly, isolated myself for a while trying to get myself together. I really just needed the pressure of everyone around me (not you on here, but people in my day to day life), to just stop telling me I should be "over it" and how I "should" feel. I quit everybody and turned to focusing on myself. I haven't felt supported by anyone around me and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. My feelings aren't a faucet that can be turned off. I just needed time for time to do it's work so to speak.
I eventually found AH in detox at another hospital where they could also treat his heart for those who are familiar with my story. He left the one hospital, went to his mom's where he got the papers and she convinced him to go to the next hospital. The bright side is that his family now knows the truth, I was never lying that he was using. However that hasn't translated to an apology or any actual support or help. No contact from them at all really. Turns out though that he was snorting pills, whatever he could get his hands on and not using meth or at least so he claims. Oh yeah, and don't forget the coke, he was/maybe still is, using that too. He just can't seem to decide on a DOC since there's so much to try out there I guess......
Whatever the case, I suppose it doesn't matter, a drug is a drug is a drug with the same devastating consequences to anyone connected to an addict. So he got clean for a bit, claims he still is clean......but he's turned into an insensitive, angry, helpless, blaming, irresponsible, emotionally and verbally abusive dick......so I don't believe he's really IS clean. Or it's already existing defects of character amplified I chose to ignore all these years. Take your pick of one or both. Of course his idea of clean is to simply substitute smoking hydro all day, every day which makes him tired and zoned all day and night. A drone really that is impossible to have a productive conversation with let alone resolve or compromise anything with.
During this time though he claimed and still claims, that he still loves me, doesn't want the marriage to end and made lots of promises. It's hard not to get roped back in but I've still kept the divorce going and we are now a bit over half way through. Despite his declarations of love, he still disappears regularly, blames me for the problems in our marriage, is very angry with me, uncooperative as far as ignoring the paperwork we need to both sign, and doesn't maintain contact with me. Not exactly the signs of someone who really cares about their marriage. It's left me hurt and confused but that's my fault for hanging onto hope no matter how remote. Guess I got to own that part. What does one do who goes back and forth? Wants their marriage but does nothing about it? Acts like if we gets divorced it no sweat off his back but doesn't cooperate to make that happen? What the hell is he thinking? Is he trying to delay it? Then why isn't he doing anything to improve the situation? I still can't seem to wipe these questions out of my mind and it makes me angry at myself I'm still allowing my mind to be bogged down in this crap.
I admit that I never wanted and still don't want to divorce but I'm still going through with it anyway. I still cry. I still get sad and depressed. But not to the extent that it was when I made my first panicked appearance on here.
I still feel confusion too over how can he even say he loves me but do nothing about it. It makes me angry like I'm still being thrown away. It's hurt my self - esteem somewhat. I still feel abandoned. I still don't feel closure. I've had some depression. Is there no end to these feelings for goodness sakes? DANG IT ALL, I WANT A DAMN APOLOGY!!!! (Sorry for my language but that's how I feel).
But life still moves along despite that stuff so I'm just trying to take it one day at a time still. That's the best I can do right now for an update is rambling right now. My excuse is that today I'm supposed to meet him to finally get some of the paperwork signed. After weeks of doing well, yesterday I literally sobbed all day into the night, tossed and turned and the fear and anxiety and the finality is hitting me. It's really over. My marriage is about to be done. Court is coming up soon. There's no turning back and even though I admit I never wanted a divorce......I still want it too. I know that doesn't make sense probably but that's the best I can describe it. I guess I just want an ending. I'm exhausted though.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Just...hugs. I filed for divorce a few days ago myself. It really sucks. I do not hate, dislike or lack compassion for my AH. Inside there, somewhere, is a good person who's fun, funny, intelligent, loves the outdoors, etc. I just can't put myself through all the wondering, confusion, do-overs when he effs up, etc anymore.
Last night was really hard. It was just me & my 5mo old & the dog & there was the tinge in the air like, 'Where's Daddy?" (mostly from the dog-LOL!).
And I do miss him even though the bad seems to have outweighed the good or obviously I wouldn't want him out of my life.
He's sleeping in his car & jobless still. I really wish he could just be happy with normal.
But isn't that the predicament we're all in? We just do not understand why these normal lives with dogs, children & families are not good enough.
Hugs. I get it.
Last night was really hard. It was just me & my 5mo old & the dog & there was the tinge in the air like, 'Where's Daddy?" (mostly from the dog-LOL!).
And I do miss him even though the bad seems to have outweighed the good or obviously I wouldn't want him out of my life.
He's sleeping in his car & jobless still. I really wish he could just be happy with normal.
But isn't that the predicament we're all in? We just do not understand why these normal lives with dogs, children & families are not good enough.
Hugs. I get it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Tight hugs to you.
There is grieving that comes along with divorce. That is absolutely ok. He most likely does love you, he just loves drugs more than anything else. I let go of wanting an apology after so much has happened w/my X. The only one time I have ever gotten one is when he was so wasted drunk and feeling sorry for himself. Eh...whatever. There will come a time that you don't want to hear the apology so badly because it won't be such a huge force in your life. I promise.
Tight, tight hugs to you. Don't isolate, it's bad for your soul. We are always here for you!
There is grieving that comes along with divorce. That is absolutely ok. He most likely does love you, he just loves drugs more than anything else. I let go of wanting an apology after so much has happened w/my X. The only one time I have ever gotten one is when he was so wasted drunk and feeling sorry for himself. Eh...whatever. There will come a time that you don't want to hear the apology so badly because it won't be such a huge force in your life. I promise.
Tight, tight hugs to you. Don't isolate, it's bad for your soul. We are always here for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
I don't get it myself. Why do I miss him and still love him despite all this? I'm still very very angry. We've been separated now 15 months and I'm still feeling like this? I guess it's the limbo since really this whole time I left the door open if he was willing to do what was needed for himself and us. Some part of me thought he'd still choose us I guess. Why I'm shocked he didn't despite saying he would, I can't answer. I'm struggling a bit though to move on or maybe it's normal. I read multiple things about how on average it takes about 3 years to get past a divorce. Lord help me please, I pray that's not me. If I didn't need to resolve bills and crap with him, I'd cut him off completely at this point. So many things remind me of him daily and trigger tears that I didn't ever expect. It's really hard when I do have to see him or talk to him on the phone. Even a text is difficult. Finishing preparing all the paperwork yesterday to sign put me over the edge. I was fine for the past month or so before yesterday, I hadn't cried at all in that time. I thought I was doing good and then meltdown out of the blue and I haven't stopped crying yet! I will be so embarrassed if he actually follows through and shows up to sign stuff tonight. It's pretty obvious I've been a mess the past two days.
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