Kepakin

I posted another thread about this in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics thread, but I guess I can focus a little more on some other stuff that goes a bit deeper than the alcohol abuse. My mom is getting a divorce from her husband of 16-17 years. He is a straight up abuser and she has only really come to recognize this within the last 6 months to a year. She had been thinking that something was wrong, but wasn't able to truly see it until now, and that has brought out some demons that have been hiding in her from well before she even met him, in addition to the hell she has been put through being married to the devil incarnate. She is the kind of person who is "type-a", busy-body constantly needing to be doing something whether it is errands or a project that she creates for herself in order to avoid feeling the grief she has in her life. One of the ways she deals with it is drinking wine to the point where she's spilled nasty secrets and ruined relationships with her sister, as well as her children.

My younger brother used to be what she considered her "rock", but now that he's out of the state, I have become that person--the "dumpee" if you will. Our relationship is now strained because she is having to deal with hard things she hasn't dealt with in the past. We are constantly walking around on eggshells, and making assumptions about each other that probably aren't even true. Most conversations end with her shrieking her head off, getting offended and very defensive at anything I have to say, and sometimes calling me very rude and hurtful names. She "cools off" with a drink when she's done with her busy-body work and treats alcohol like it's her saviour. I believe, though, that she shouldn't have any at all considering how she abuses it and how she has abused it in the past. She won't even acknowledge and take responsibility for how badly it's hurt and shaped my life. It's always, "Get over it" or "I'm not perfect; I can't change the past". If I don't get over it somehow, I'm the weak one, and I'm the one with the problems. She may say she understands me, but there is no true understanding because she has not shown me with her actions.

I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place and I feel as though I'm bashing my head against a wall. There is no leeway with her. She is stubborn and I highly doubt anything will change for the better. This is how I live my life, in constant fear, panic, and doubt about everyone and everything.

Seren

Hello Kepakin,

I'm so sorry to hear about all that your family has been through. I'm glad that you found us here at SR, although I am sorry for the reasons...

I guess my first question would be this: Have you considered that one of the reasons your brother moved is that he wouldn't have to be your mother's dumping ground anymore?

None of you, her children, are required to fill that roll of "dumpee" for your Mom. She has been through a lot, and she really sounds as though she needs help. We family members can be supportive, but we are not qualified to help or fix these kinds of problems. Even if she is not ready to seek help for herself, do you have an opportunity to seek help and support for you?

It might help you untangle the knotted family relationships and help you understand the boundaries between healthy support for your mother and feeling as though you have no choice but to be her "dumpee"--because you do have a choice!

Please also know that if your mother behaves in a verbally abusive way in person or over the phone, you do not have to continue the conversation. I've had to set boundaries with my mother in the past. She was calling me non-stop prior to an operation I was having, and saying awful things about my husband and his inability to care for me (an episode completely out of character for her, actually). So, I had to tell her that I was not going to put up with her speaking that way about my husband, and that I would not be speaking to her at all until after the surgery because she was just adding to my stress. I actually did not speak to her at all until after I came home from having the operation.

I do understand that feeling of obligation toward your mother, though. Please know that you and your feelings matter, too.

Morning Glory

What is it about your role that makes you feel stuck? What responsibility are you taking on either physically or emotionally?

Kepakin

I have and continue to set boundaries between us. I was the one who encouraged her to get an attorney to get out of the mess she called a marriage. I was the one who encouraged her to go seek out a therapist (who she was/is seeing off and on), and for a while there the dumping stopped because she had someone who could handle her problems in a neutral and professional manner. There are times, however, when she will slip and let things go. I tell her I can't listen to it, but often times she explodes when she is stressed out and becomes rather irrational, shrieking and telling me I'm a bitch or that I'm disrespectful because I won't listen to her. I feel like the only way to end the conversation is to hang up, but that is entirely too rude and I'll have to face hell for it later. Part of my problem is dealing with the consequences of actually telling her "NO", but it's something I know I need to do and have done so in the past.

My role is the imagined caretaker. Although I am practically on my own (she helps me out with a bill or two), we live in separate places about 15 minutes away and she is fully capable of taking care of herself, as am I. I've only really discovered and come to understand my role with the help of therapy in the last month or two. Of course I knew it wasn't healthy, but I didn't realize how deeply seated it had become and still is even though I haven't live with her for over 10 years. My brain is hard-wired to worry about her, the people she meets, the things she does, and all of that to the point where it becomes anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. It has manifested that way often times in the past, but my panic attacks now are few and far between. It doesn't change the fact that I harbor a steady sentiment of anxiety on a daily basis, so right now...TL;DR answer is an emotional responsibility.

Morning Glory

Being aware of what's happening is the biggest hurdle.
Creating a change takes time and practice and it's not very comfortable.

NWGRITS

For people who grew up in dysfunctional families, the option of leaving the chaos and cutting off (or severely limiting) contact with our Family of Origin (FOO) feels like committing murder. We would never even consider it because that's just not something you do, "abandoning" your family member. But it's the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves when faced with the kind of situation you're in now. The FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that we live in is a learned trait and it can be unlearned. You aren't obligated to do anything for your mother. You don't *have* to do anything. You have the choice to be done and walk away. It's amazing the freedom and peace that comes with disconnecting from a dysfunctional FOO. Living life in a constant state of anxiety and guilt is NOT normal. You deserve better.

Seren

It sounds as though you have done a lot to help your mother--things for which she should be grateful, but it doesn't sound as though that sentiment will be expressed by her to you any time soon. For that I am sorry.

In my experience with my stepson, and that one incident with my own mother, hanging up the phone has been a perfectly valid response. If I'm on the phone with anyone who is shrieking, screaming, yelling at me, calling me names, then I have the right to NOT be abused in that way and end the call by hanging up--even if it is my own hysterical mother. I am well within my rights to end an abusive conversation be it in person or over the phone.

Between my husband and my stepson, some horrible phone calls took place during the 'fun-filled crack days'. My husband also learned that he did not have to take the abuse being dished up by his son. At first, he, too, would hang up--then catch you-know-what for it later. Then, he learned he did not have to put up with the you-know-what, either. He eventually told his son that if he could not have a calm, respectful conversation then don't bother. His son finally learned, and hasn't been hateful and evil with either of us in a while--just occasionally snippy

Oh well, some progress!

The one thing I hope you will come to believe, Kepakin, is that you do not deserve to live in "constant fear, panic, and doubt about everyone and everything". You do deserve peace and you do deserve joy!