howtoforgive

I'm about to turn 50 years old. I do not drink every day. I can go months without drinking. If I am out with certain people, I can curtail my drinking, only have one drink. A glass of wine or a margarita....but, I have a serious problem.
I'm extremely shy. Up until the time I was 23 I never knew what it was like to be drunk. I started to go to clubs and I quickly started to be a crazy drunk chick. It was almost excusable then because I was still relatively young. I outgrew clubs, got married, settled down, never had children. During my marriage, I would only drink if my husband I went out. This would only be every once in a great while. I never drank at home and still do not. I hope this is not sounding like one long rant, so maybe I should get to the point.

Throughout my life, I only drink every three months or so, but each time it is with the intention of having as much to drink as possible, partying. I'm now through my second divorce and currently I'm depressed because of the end of a five year relationship. I'm on dating sites and going out with great frequency, so now I'm binge drinking once a week. I am in trouble and don't know how to stop my behavior.

I'm so ashamed of myself. Each time I go out with a guy from one of the dating sites, he absolutely loves me, until the alcohol takes over, I turn into a raging lunatic. My dates are told to remove me from the establishment because I am grabbing guy's crotches, kissing random guys, flashing people my body parts, dancing alone, and that is only the stuff I remember.

I have woken up at home with no recollection of how I got home. Ive had terrible bruises without knowing how they got there. Something happens when I drink, I am not a normal person when I drink. I am not violent, I am just a lunatic crazy lady. I do not do any sort of drugs, but I would think someone seeing me would believe I'm on something other than alcohol. One of my dates actually called the club the following day because he was convinced someone at the club had put some sort of drug in my drink. This was great because he didn't realize that was just common practice for me. By the second date, he knew.

When I go out, I do not take anything of importance because I will lose it. This includes my ID, my keys to my house. I hide my key somewhere before I leave. I take only cash. I've learned this the hard way having lost my credit cards, purse and contents multiple times. I'm sure the DMV wondered why the hell I constantly needed my license replaced.

Anyway, I've acted this way at some pretty high-end places and I am ashamed and embarrassed. One gentleman I dated through match told me I was up on the piano singing ( I cannot sing at all) and giving beaver shots to the diners. wtf? I cringed so bad when I got the email. As I said, the things I remember are bad enough. I never drink at home or crave alcohol. But when I go out, I make it count despite the devastating consequences on my self-esteem. I am a very kind-hearted, intelligent, giving person. But I feel so ashamed of myself and I am fearful to even go to the grocery store because I'm afraid of running into someone who has seen me in one of my finest drunken hours. Last night I passed out inside the door. My poor dog was so concerned, he licked my lips raw. I woke up with these really fat lips that were raw. Bless his heart. I don't know who to talk to. I could not tell anyone this because it is too embarrassing and they probably would not believe it. My relationship of five years ended largely because of my drinking episodes. Each time I party like this and do such damage to myself, i wake up feeling horrible and vow never to repeat it. History has taught me that I probably will, but I do not want to. It strips me of any self-worth or self-esteem. It makes me feel so ashamed. I think this is binge drinking syndrome, which I realize is alcoholism.

One time I came home with my underwear on inside out and backwards and I know I didn't put them on like that. The stories go on and on. I'm very fortunate I have not been killed, murdered and left somewhere. I don't have any sort of support system. Can someone please just tell me something of comfort to help me. I am so lost and desolate and scared. Thank you.

Just now as I am getting ready to hit send, a text came in. It is a photo of me from last night and I have no idea who sent it to me. It is an embarrassing photo. I need help. Please someone say something to help me.

least

Welcome to the family! You can stop drinking and live a better life, but it takes effort. You have to make the decision to not pick up that first drink. Do you have any support in real life? Can you go to some AA meetings? There's lots of support there.

I'm glad you joined us.

Soberwolf

Welcome Howtoforgive its nice to meet you

KeepTruckin

I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but I know very much how you feel. I get the same way when I'm drunk and it's embarrassing and scary and I've left my phone turned off for a day or more after a binge because I didn't want to see who I called or texted. Or receive stories from the night before. And the depression and shame I've felt in the days after is so intense, I feel like I will never get past it.

But the thing is I do. And you will, too! But the only choice for me to avoid going through all that is to quit drinking totally. I get in a cycle of feeling awful and saying I will quit, then forgetting just how BAD I felt and thinking I can moderate my drinking next time. And maybe I do, for a while. But I always end up back in the same lousy place. That's why I'm here

So just know that you aren't alone. We're all here for similar reasons and can relate to each others struggles. You will find a lot of support here and though I'm still pretty new at my resolve to abstain, I'm finding posting here and replying to others posts are really helping me stay focused. You can get past your past if you want to and you will find a lot of people here to help you.

Congratulations on taking some control of your life and confronting your problems and welcome to the forum!

Knurdyone

Hi welcome, glad to meet you. I think most of us have been in the same type of situation. Earlier for me, it was very similar to what you're describing - but then I went to secret drinking alone and things got even worse.

Im reading two of many things you've got going for you: 1) admitting there is a serious problem, asking for help & willingness; and 2) you mention you've regularly gone several months sober.

You can do this. Know that you're definitely not alone!

Anna

Welcome, I'm glad you posted.

I think that shame and guilt is a big part of alcoholism and it can keep you from healing. Use it to motivate you to stop drinking, but don't let it overwhelm you.

countrygirl2014

Welcome and nice to meet you. You are not alone with your stories. I have quite a few myself. You are in the right place.

Jennifer

melki

Welcome to the forum! I hope you stay and keep posting. Once you decide to put a definite end to drinking, it gets infinitely easier.

thomas11

hi howtoforgive, well, it does sound fairly extreme. Since you understand what is causing this behavior the first thing I would recommend is forgiving yourself. What's done is done. You can't change it. But understand completely that if you date and get sh*tfaced again, its going to happen...again. Period. If you can handle not dating for awhile, I would stay at home for a period of time and learn as much as you can about alcoholism from this site and elsewhere. Just my 2 cents. I wish you the very best.

Hevyn

It's great to meet you howtoforgive.

You've taken an important step by joining us. We all understand and know what you're going through. Remember, it isn't how often you drink - but what it does to you when you do. I came to realize that every time it got in my system I was in danger. There was no control, so to stay safe I had to stop all together. In the end, it was a relief to be free of it. It had been ages since it was fun or relaxing. You can do this!

DoubleDragons

Dear Howtoforgive,

I was very much a crazy, party girl binge drinker. . . started when I was a teenager and didn't end until my forties. Every embarrassing event in my life, ever major regret, has involved alcohol, every single one. Do yourself a favor and make a copy of your post and keep it in your wallet. I keep a list of every cringe worthy,dangerous, scary thing that I did when I was drunk in a notebook on my desk. So when my AV tries to tease me with false ideas of "drinking in moderation", I have a sickening reminder as to where those drinks lead.

The great news is that you and I never have to add to those disgusting lists again by doing only one thing. Never drinking alcohol again. I quit drinking 18 months ago and my self respect, confidence and peacefulness has never been better. Give yourself this gift. Drinking and drugging is for suckers. Sobriety is living fully alive! You can do it!!

Dee74

Hi howtoforgive

It's never too late to make a fresh start and to be the person you want to be

Believe it or not reputations can be rebuilt. I used to be the neighbourhood bum

Keep the past where it belongs. Today is a new day.
I'm glad you've found us

D

totfit

I wouldn't drink if I were you. Wait a minute..........I am. That is why I don't drink.

howtoforgive

I am new to figuring out the messaging thing, but would like to thank each and every one of you for embracing me. I do not have any support at all, thank you for your understanding and caring. As I go to bed tonight, I feel a bit lighter in my heart already and a bit of hopefulness is creeping in as well.

I'm so happy to be here.

strategery

The awesome thing with getting sober is you never have to go through these kinds of situations again. Welcome howtoforgive!

chicory

Welcome Howtoforgive!

I am glad you are here

This is a wonderful place.

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, Howtoforgive! I'm glad you found us. I drank for 25 years before coming here. In the beginning I was a binge drinker that could take a while between binges. As the years went on my binges became daily, and by the end I went years without two sober days back to back.

The good news is you can make the change. I was 42-43 when I quit. I wish I'd have done it sooner but I'd probably already be dead if I hadn't had the sense to quit when I did. It's never too late!

breath

You do have support, right here on SR.com. And here you'll find how to get more personal support in your community, and find the other resources we all have to live a life free from the bondage of addiction/alcoholism.

Latte

This can be the first day of the rest of your life. You never have to feel that way again.

I can't drink either. It took me a long time to be ok with that.

I ruined two marriages with my issues with alcohol (first one was not dealing with having an alcoholic parent and what that does to a person), second was my own alcoholism and addiction.

Today I live with someone who no longer drinks either. We have a lot of fun! I'm telling you, I haven't had this much fun in years. Oh, I still have issues. I'm facing a huge one right now but if I don't drink or use drugs, I know things will be ok. The minute I ad mind altering chemicals (I'm not talking antidepressants-I do take one of those) I make poor decisions and my self esteem goes to sh&&.

Pouncer

Howtoforgive,

Thank you so much for the honest story. I really can relate to what you wrote. I stopped drinking two weeks ago (I tapered and have been abstinent 10 days) and I still have a mystery bruise on my arm. It is hard to get over the shame, but it does get better with time. You have no reason to be embarrassed here. We can relate - 100 percent. My last binge was two weeks ago and I still can't bring myself to talk to people that I scared (and scarred) when I was black-out drunk.

You will get over the embarrassment soon; but just don't be embarrassed here. We understand and your story helps us, too.


KeepTruckin,

You nailed it. Those little behaviors like turning off your phone...only addicts understand.