One Month
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1
One Month
It's been a month since I left him. No contact. A month of confusing ups and downs. I know I did the right thing, but I'm thinking it was the right thing at the wrong time/ in the wrong way...
We'd been together for 4 years, living together the majority of that time. We were best friends. I knew from the start he wasn't good for me and looking back, I should have listened to myself. I knew he could/would let me down, but I gave it a chance. Maybe I thought he could change. That he didn't really have a problem - that it was just in his head, put there by his neurotic/dysfunctional/overzealously religious family/friends and abusive childhood.
...We met alone at a bar one day, to commiserate about our recent ex's. And were together every day since. I felt closer/more attached/involved with him in the first couple weeks than I ever did in my previous 5yr relationship. I knew we were eachother's rebound, but it grew into love. He had an apartment, a PT job, a car. All provided for him by people that cared enough to try to set him straight. A few months into it I was driving somewhere over state-line, busted taillight, they ran his ID and took him in on a warrant d/t failure to pay fines from a DUI from a few years before we met that I didn't know about. He was in work-release program for 2 months, I visited every visiting day, I paid his fines (he did pay me back), I sent him money/supplies, talked daily. He lost his job, his apartment, the respect of the people that had given him that job/apartment. When he got out he came to live with me and my family. For 2 years he "couldn't" find work. I was in school and working. I made excuses for him, 'it was a small town/no jobs' 'he can't drive' 'he contributes/helps out around the house'....I wasn't really thinking about the future too seriously, I though it would all work out.
I've never been a regular/heavy drinker. We were living with my mom and her bf who both drink but can moderate, both have great jobs, are responsible, and have a healthy relationship. He was a father-figure to my ex, they talked a lot, he tried to set him straight and looked out for him like a son...One night they drank too much and fought. And then it was tense in the house, so we moved out.
Rented a small house, great location, he found a job. And things were good for about a year. We had never fought before moving into this house. It was very tiny, like a studio, and we had nowhere to escape eachother. And so the little arguments started. After a year, the first real fight happened. He's been off the night and drinking. I got home from work (work nights) and had some beers with him. I don't know what the fight was about but it escalated, and I wanted to leave the house for awhile. I went out to sit in my car and call my mom. He took my phone and broke it. He sat on my car hood and wouldn't let me go anywhere. He took my keys and locked me out of the house (that I paid the majority of expenses for). The fight lasted all morning, and he calmed down but was still drunk, and said he'd only let me back in if we went over to my mom's together and forget about the fight and had a good day (it was a holiday dinner thing we were supposed to go to). I didn't feel like I had a choice so agreed. He wound up drinking more and fighting with my brother. They told him to walk home. He did. Then came back. Then we drove him home (6 miles or so one way). He had to work that night and I didn't want him to lose his job so my mom drove him to work. He left work to go to the ER b/c he thought his ribs were broken from the fight with my brother. I told him I was moving back in with my mom and moved all my stuff out. I continued to pay 1/2 the rent/bills for a month. I needed space and would consider coming back if he did something to change. He went to meetings, he wasn't drinking. (He's always had an issue with AA, his mom made him go when he got his DUI, but he is stubbornly atheist and wouldn't go for that reason, and the closet secular meetings were 50+ miles away)...
I went back. I missed my best friend. I missed the companionship. My person. We didn't drink for awhile. Then summer came, bonfires, BBQs, parties. He started up heavy again. He lost his job, drank before work and mouthed off to his boss. He's use my card to buy his cigarettes, his drinks, food, weed. I made good money so I didn't really notice. He found another job but lost that too for the same reasons. It was a small-town and my landlord found out and was pressuring me to kick him out. My family was pressuring me that I deserved better, that he was using me. He told me many times I deserved better than him. That he'll never make as much money as me. ... But we were using eachother. Finally a month ago I decided enough was enough. It was pretty much the same fight, he took my phone, my card, my keys, and locked me out. I walked the 6 miles to my mom's in the cold, and went back with an officer to get my valuable things and my cat/dog. I broke the lease, moved everything out.
And haven't heard from him since. I don't know if he's in a shelter, on the streets, in the woods. He has no phone, no friends nearby, no money, his family will have nothing to do with hm. I don't know if he's alive or dead.
I blame myself. For enabling him. For not taking his admissions of needing help seriously. For not doing enough to help him. For wasting 4 yrs of eachother's time. But I had enough of being someone's caretaker and figured he needs to help himself. And I need to help MYself. I need to save money, I need to go back to school. I need to worry about myself first.
I've stopped crying everyday. But I still think about him. About how I sould've done things differently. I should have set boundaries/rules and stuck by them. I could have helped him, and instead I just abandoned him, like everyone else in his life.
But I'm angry because he was mooching off of me. My family. Not taking responsibility for himself. I'm holding myself back from having friends and meeting new people because I still think about him. I still love him very much.
Sorry this was long, just feeling very sad.
We'd been together for 4 years, living together the majority of that time. We were best friends. I knew from the start he wasn't good for me and looking back, I should have listened to myself. I knew he could/would let me down, but I gave it a chance. Maybe I thought he could change. That he didn't really have a problem - that it was just in his head, put there by his neurotic/dysfunctional/overzealously religious family/friends and abusive childhood.
...We met alone at a bar one day, to commiserate about our recent ex's. And were together every day since. I felt closer/more attached/involved with him in the first couple weeks than I ever did in my previous 5yr relationship. I knew we were eachother's rebound, but it grew into love. He had an apartment, a PT job, a car. All provided for him by people that cared enough to try to set him straight. A few months into it I was driving somewhere over state-line, busted taillight, they ran his ID and took him in on a warrant d/t failure to pay fines from a DUI from a few years before we met that I didn't know about. He was in work-release program for 2 months, I visited every visiting day, I paid his fines (he did pay me back), I sent him money/supplies, talked daily. He lost his job, his apartment, the respect of the people that had given him that job/apartment. When he got out he came to live with me and my family. For 2 years he "couldn't" find work. I was in school and working. I made excuses for him, 'it was a small town/no jobs' 'he can't drive' 'he contributes/helps out around the house'....I wasn't really thinking about the future too seriously, I though it would all work out.
I've never been a regular/heavy drinker. We were living with my mom and her bf who both drink but can moderate, both have great jobs, are responsible, and have a healthy relationship. He was a father-figure to my ex, they talked a lot, he tried to set him straight and looked out for him like a son...One night they drank too much and fought. And then it was tense in the house, so we moved out.
Rented a small house, great location, he found a job. And things were good for about a year. We had never fought before moving into this house. It was very tiny, like a studio, and we had nowhere to escape eachother. And so the little arguments started. After a year, the first real fight happened. He's been off the night and drinking. I got home from work (work nights) and had some beers with him. I don't know what the fight was about but it escalated, and I wanted to leave the house for awhile. I went out to sit in my car and call my mom. He took my phone and broke it. He sat on my car hood and wouldn't let me go anywhere. He took my keys and locked me out of the house (that I paid the majority of expenses for). The fight lasted all morning, and he calmed down but was still drunk, and said he'd only let me back in if we went over to my mom's together and forget about the fight and had a good day (it was a holiday dinner thing we were supposed to go to). I didn't feel like I had a choice so agreed. He wound up drinking more and fighting with my brother. They told him to walk home. He did. Then came back. Then we drove him home (6 miles or so one way). He had to work that night and I didn't want him to lose his job so my mom drove him to work. He left work to go to the ER b/c he thought his ribs were broken from the fight with my brother. I told him I was moving back in with my mom and moved all my stuff out. I continued to pay 1/2 the rent/bills for a month. I needed space and would consider coming back if he did something to change. He went to meetings, he wasn't drinking. (He's always had an issue with AA, his mom made him go when he got his DUI, but he is stubbornly atheist and wouldn't go for that reason, and the closet secular meetings were 50+ miles away)...
I went back. I missed my best friend. I missed the companionship. My person. We didn't drink for awhile. Then summer came, bonfires, BBQs, parties. He started up heavy again. He lost his job, drank before work and mouthed off to his boss. He's use my card to buy his cigarettes, his drinks, food, weed. I made good money so I didn't really notice. He found another job but lost that too for the same reasons. It was a small-town and my landlord found out and was pressuring me to kick him out. My family was pressuring me that I deserved better, that he was using me. He told me many times I deserved better than him. That he'll never make as much money as me. ... But we were using eachother. Finally a month ago I decided enough was enough. It was pretty much the same fight, he took my phone, my card, my keys, and locked me out. I walked the 6 miles to my mom's in the cold, and went back with an officer to get my valuable things and my cat/dog. I broke the lease, moved everything out.
And haven't heard from him since. I don't know if he's in a shelter, on the streets, in the woods. He has no phone, no friends nearby, no money, his family will have nothing to do with hm. I don't know if he's alive or dead.
I blame myself. For enabling him. For not taking his admissions of needing help seriously. For not doing enough to help him. For wasting 4 yrs of eachother's time. But I had enough of being someone's caretaker and figured he needs to help himself. And I need to help MYself. I need to save money, I need to go back to school. I need to worry about myself first.
I've stopped crying everyday. But I still think about him. About how I sould've done things differently. I should have set boundaries/rules and stuck by them. I could have helped him, and instead I just abandoned him, like everyone else in his life.
But I'm angry because he was mooching off of me. My family. Not taking responsibility for himself. I'm holding myself back from having friends and meeting new people because I still think about him. I still love him very much.
Sorry this was long, just feeling very sad.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
It's ok to love people. In fact, sometimes loving them does mean letting them go. There is nothing you could have done more. They bring the horror of addiction upon themselves through habitual use. No one is born this way. One drink after another, one hit after another, day by day until the body takes over. They can stop or never have started. It doesn't matter. They are the only ones who can change it. They are locked in a cage of their own construction with they key in their hand refusing to let themselves out. Not your fault.
It's not that we don't take their cries for help seriously. It's that they don't. I wish I had a dime for each of my xabf's "I need to go to rehab", "please help me", "nobody listens to me", "if I just had another boss, a diffrent car, more money, time for the gym, diffrent diet". QUACK. Try to love them and not let them die in their own filth and you're branded co-dependat, controlling, no fun etc. etc. and immediately dropped for "people who will let them be themselves" ie. other junkies. We take their cries for help seriously the first or second time. By time 100, it's all white noise in the background. They are the ultimate boys who cried wolf.
Sometimes we get caught between what was/is and what we wanted. What we want is a normal life. What they want are drugs and booze. The DOC was always, and until he gets serious, will always be the most important thing in his life. Not family, friends, work , proper shelter, cleanliness , non-mooching, respect, pride in accomplishments, etc etc or any of the decent normal actions, institutions and activities that keep a society and family healthy. And certainly, certainly not a relationship. They are no more capable of it than a wheel-chaired man can walk.
It will take time for you to heal. That is normal. The most important person to focus on right now is yourself. Your finacial, mental and spiritual renewal should be your priority. Interacting with healthy people in al a non or another support group does wonders. Please don't isolate and get lost in your own head. Get out and run if you can. Clears the head nicely. Try and envision the life that you want, the healthy partner that you want and the healthy person that you want to be from this day forth. ((((Hugs))))
It's not that we don't take their cries for help seriously. It's that they don't. I wish I had a dime for each of my xabf's "I need to go to rehab", "please help me", "nobody listens to me", "if I just had another boss, a diffrent car, more money, time for the gym, diffrent diet". QUACK. Try to love them and not let them die in their own filth and you're branded co-dependat, controlling, no fun etc. etc. and immediately dropped for "people who will let them be themselves" ie. other junkies. We take their cries for help seriously the first or second time. By time 100, it's all white noise in the background. They are the ultimate boys who cried wolf.
Sometimes we get caught between what was/is and what we wanted. What we want is a normal life. What they want are drugs and booze. The DOC was always, and until he gets serious, will always be the most important thing in his life. Not family, friends, work , proper shelter, cleanliness , non-mooching, respect, pride in accomplishments, etc etc or any of the decent normal actions, institutions and activities that keep a society and family healthy. And certainly, certainly not a relationship. They are no more capable of it than a wheel-chaired man can walk.
It will take time for you to heal. That is normal. The most important person to focus on right now is yourself. Your finacial, mental and spiritual renewal should be your priority. Interacting with healthy people in al a non or another support group does wonders. Please don't isolate and get lost in your own head. Get out and run if you can. Clears the head nicely. Try and envision the life that you want, the healthy partner that you want and the healthy person that you want to be from this day forth. ((((Hugs))))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nothing you could have done would have made any difference. Nobody "abandoned" him--they all just decided to quit enabling. You, too. Sometimes that's what it takes--lots and lots of losses--for an alcoholic to realize what his disease is costing him.
You absolutely did the right thing for yourself (and, incidentally, for him).
I cared very much about my second husband, but he was very self-destructive and I was paying for everything, too. It was sad to walk away, but it was absolutely necessary for my own sanity and peace.
Hugs, stick around. There's a lot of support and understanding here.
You absolutely did the right thing for yourself (and, incidentally, for him).
I cared very much about my second husband, but he was very self-destructive and I was paying for everything, too. It was sad to walk away, but it was absolutely necessary for my own sanity and peace.
Hugs, stick around. There's a lot of support and understanding here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think ambivalence after a relationship ends is very normal. It may be hard for you to understand right now today but all of your should have’s – would have’s – could have’s can’t change another person into what we wish for them to be. He’s an alcoholic, and was one long before you came along and will remain one long after you are gone.
You could win the lottery, become a Victoria Secret model and none of that would change the fact he’s an alcoholic and until HE decides he truly wants to stop drinking and seeks real help and puts a plan in place…..he’s not going to change.
Quilt – did you force the alcohol down his throat? Did you tie him up and make him drink and not be responsible or care about his life?
Don’t own quilt that is not yours to own. Maybe you feel saddened that this is the life he chooses and he chooses it over and over and over again but quilt is not your to own.
Endings take time, they take working through all of these feelings that are coming to the surface and learning to watch for and listen to our own internal voice warning us about certain people, places and things that will eventually harm us……..learn from this experience so that you do not repeat it again with another addict wrapped in a different package.
You could win the lottery, become a Victoria Secret model and none of that would change the fact he’s an alcoholic and until HE decides he truly wants to stop drinking and seeks real help and puts a plan in place…..he’s not going to change.
Quilt – did you force the alcohol down his throat? Did you tie him up and make him drink and not be responsible or care about his life?
Don’t own quilt that is not yours to own. Maybe you feel saddened that this is the life he chooses and he chooses it over and over and over again but quilt is not your to own.
Endings take time, they take working through all of these feelings that are coming to the surface and learning to watch for and listen to our own internal voice warning us about certain people, places and things that will eventually harm us……..learn from this experience so that you do not repeat it again with another addict wrapped in a different package.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
*hugs* You may have done the best thing possible for him. While he was living a cushy life with you, he never had to face any of the consequences of his drinking. Now that he is on his own, reality has set in, and he will have to face it. Rock bottom is usually the only thing that can incite change in an addict, from what I have heard. You gave a gift.
I know it's sad. And there will always be regrets and "what if"s. But his disease is progressive...you couldn't have stopped it. Things would always have ended up bad in the end if he continued to resist recovery.
I know it's sad. And there will always be regrets and "what if"s. But his disease is progressive...you couldn't have stopped it. Things would always have ended up bad in the end if he continued to resist recovery.
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