Maybe it isn't the alcohol maybe he has a PD
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Maybe it isn't the alcohol maybe he has a PD
The binge drinking seems to bring it out. I rarely post because honestly it can be 3 or 4 or 5 weeks and he will just have a couple. Or then he will have 4 and bait me, provoke a fight or try. And I am left wondering why I am living here.
I just tried to broach why I was so upset with his behaviour and I am told he is done with me and I am a controlling abuser.
Why do I let it hit me so hard. I am going to the dr and getting a counselling appoint tomorrow. I am just so weak and in so much doubt. As he is police in this tiny community there is literally no one who I can talk to... And I miss my AL anon group. so alone I just wish things could change. And tomorrow I fues it will be 'normal' again and i will try and forget.
I just tried to broach why I was so upset with his behaviour and I am told he is done with me and I am a controlling abuser.
Why do I let it hit me so hard. I am going to the dr and getting a counselling appoint tomorrow. I am just so weak and in so much doubt. As he is police in this tiny community there is literally no one who I can talk to... And I miss my AL anon group. so alone I just wish things could change. And tomorrow I fues it will be 'normal' again and i will try and forget.
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I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I am involved with an alcholic abuser and have come to think that the abuse and alcoholism are two separate beasts. I read a book called "Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" which really helped me. It was a facinating read for anyone who wants to understand abuse. Take care of yourself!
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You seem to question whether or not your husband is an alcoholic and have for a while. Some things to think about:
Alcoholics do not necessarily drink all day or every day. In fact some alcoholics can go months even years without drinking. Binge drinking can confuse because of preconceived notions of "what" an alcoholic is. The days they don't drink prove to themselves and others that they aren't an alcoholic when they may be.
Some signs to look for are : Tolerance, Inability to control the amount one drinks, Craving, and possible physical dependence such as withdrawal symptoms (shaking, sweating, nausea etc.) when they stop drinking. Not all alcoholics have physical dependence, and not all alcoholics necessarily appear the same. Often A's sneak what they drink an present what looks like a tolerable amount when in fact its actually double or triple what you have seen.
I do not know if your husband is an alcoholic. What I do know he appears to have at the very least a "drinking problem".
It doesn't really matter what the label attached is, YOU have a problem with his drinking. When you approach him with it he immediately shuts you down by stating something negative about you then threatens to leave you. This is what we call "gas lighting" where the A will not respond to their own actions, instead they twist things around and put it back on you: You are crazy, you are controlling, you have problems, you are abusive, they didn't do what you say they did, YOU YOU YOU. The receiver of this behavior begins to doubt themselves and sometimes their sanity. Here you are after another instance where he has attacked you after drinking, and you are wondering if your husband is an alcoholic AGAIN. Personality disorder is certainly possible but his behavior is indicative mores IMO of addiction you haven't really stated why you think he may have a PD.
Going to suggest some things:
1) Stop approaching your husband regarding his behavior. You have written on here enough times his response is always the same. Its not going to change. Stop subjecting yourself to HIS abuse its working on you.
2) Detach labels from him its got you confused. It doesn't matter "what" it is be it alcohol or PD, you have a problem with his behavior, you are justified in feeling that way.
3) You aren't the problem here. He is.
I'm sorry you have lost your Al Anon group. There are phone in and online groups for support. In the meantime I would suggest reading "codependent no more" by Melanie Beattie. You do have signs of classic co-dependency.
Switch the focus of the alcoholic and put the focus on yourself.
BTW how many times has your husband threatened to leave you and is it working on you? because by my accounts of your threads it seems to be something he does all the time. whenever you have a conflict. He is still there. Boy who cried wolf.
Alcoholics do not necessarily drink all day or every day. In fact some alcoholics can go months even years without drinking. Binge drinking can confuse because of preconceived notions of "what" an alcoholic is. The days they don't drink prove to themselves and others that they aren't an alcoholic when they may be.
Some signs to look for are : Tolerance, Inability to control the amount one drinks, Craving, and possible physical dependence such as withdrawal symptoms (shaking, sweating, nausea etc.) when they stop drinking. Not all alcoholics have physical dependence, and not all alcoholics necessarily appear the same. Often A's sneak what they drink an present what looks like a tolerable amount when in fact its actually double or triple what you have seen.
I do not know if your husband is an alcoholic. What I do know he appears to have at the very least a "drinking problem".
It doesn't really matter what the label attached is, YOU have a problem with his drinking. When you approach him with it he immediately shuts you down by stating something negative about you then threatens to leave you. This is what we call "gas lighting" where the A will not respond to their own actions, instead they twist things around and put it back on you: You are crazy, you are controlling, you have problems, you are abusive, they didn't do what you say they did, YOU YOU YOU. The receiver of this behavior begins to doubt themselves and sometimes their sanity. Here you are after another instance where he has attacked you after drinking, and you are wondering if your husband is an alcoholic AGAIN. Personality disorder is certainly possible but his behavior is indicative mores IMO of addiction you haven't really stated why you think he may have a PD.
Going to suggest some things:
1) Stop approaching your husband regarding his behavior. You have written on here enough times his response is always the same. Its not going to change. Stop subjecting yourself to HIS abuse its working on you.
2) Detach labels from him its got you confused. It doesn't matter "what" it is be it alcohol or PD, you have a problem with his behavior, you are justified in feeling that way.
3) You aren't the problem here. He is.
I'm sorry you have lost your Al Anon group. There are phone in and online groups for support. In the meantime I would suggest reading "codependent no more" by Melanie Beattie. You do have signs of classic co-dependency.
Switch the focus of the alcoholic and put the focus on yourself.
BTW how many times has your husband threatened to leave you and is it working on you? because by my accounts of your threads it seems to be something he does all the time. whenever you have a conflict. He is still there. Boy who cried wolf.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Frankly, your husband strikes me as a classic abusive man. He may not hit you, but he tears you down and plays mind games with you. He accuses YOU of being abusive and controlling to justify his own behavior.
I've worked in the domestic violence field for many years, and this is a serious problem in many police families. Officers are well-trained in exercising authority with power and control techniques on the job, and those who are abusive tend to carry those same techniques into their homes. As Earthworm pointed out, this is a different, separate issue from any alcohol problem, although drinking may lower inhibitions and make it more overt.
I believe you've said you're not in the U.S. Is there a hotline for battered women or a women's shelter you could call? I'm not saying you necessarily have to leave immediately (if you feel you are in physical danger, of course, that might be a different story), but an advocate or counselor that works with victims of abuse can help you with your options.
The majority of abusers don't suffer from alcoholism or from mental health problems. They behave the way they do in order to control their partners--it benefits them, in other words. I recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." It does a very good job of explaining the dynamics of abuse. The author has worked with thousands of abusive men, and he knows what he's talking about.
I've encountered many, many victims of abuse who have said that in many ways, the emotional abuse they suffered was "worse" than the physical abuse--the effects lingered longer.
Please take care of yourself and your kids. They will grow up seeing how their father treats their mother and think this is normal, OK behavior.
I've worked in the domestic violence field for many years, and this is a serious problem in many police families. Officers are well-trained in exercising authority with power and control techniques on the job, and those who are abusive tend to carry those same techniques into their homes. As Earthworm pointed out, this is a different, separate issue from any alcohol problem, although drinking may lower inhibitions and make it more overt.
I believe you've said you're not in the U.S. Is there a hotline for battered women or a women's shelter you could call? I'm not saying you necessarily have to leave immediately (if you feel you are in physical danger, of course, that might be a different story), but an advocate or counselor that works with victims of abuse can help you with your options.
The majority of abusers don't suffer from alcoholism or from mental health problems. They behave the way they do in order to control their partners--it benefits them, in other words. I recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." It does a very good job of explaining the dynamics of abuse. The author has worked with thousands of abusive men, and he knows what he's talking about.
I've encountered many, many victims of abuse who have said that in many ways, the emotional abuse they suffered was "worse" than the physical abuse--the effects lingered longer.
Please take care of yourself and your kids. They will grow up seeing how their father treats their mother and think this is normal, OK behavior.
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I found a PDF of "Why Does He Do That?" online: http://www.pdf-archive.com/2014/07/2...he-do-that.pdf
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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I can relate to your situation. My AH has been sober for two days, which I am so thankful. But, I find myself in the back of my mind waiting for the other to shoe to fall...waiting for the drink again. I finally put up a boundary (big deal for me). I told him that if he drinks again I will have to end our relationship. If it happens then I will be ready. I don't want to live a life scared any more. I deserve better and more importantly my kids deserve better. (he is step dad).
It doesn't matter how much he drinks, how much or how often, it's what he does when he is under the influence of alcohol. Step One of AA: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. He won't admit he is powerless but does he make your life and your children's lives unmanageable? Then he is an alcoholic. My AH went 6 months sober, went to AA, then stopped. He started drinking and it has been unmanageable the last 1 1/2 years. I stayed because there were many good days in between, but the bad days are starting to out weigh the good.
Just take one day at a time. you don't have to make a final decision today. Maybe just start thinking of a plan B...that is what has helped me so far...
It doesn't matter how much he drinks, how much or how often, it's what he does when he is under the influence of alcohol. Step One of AA: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. He won't admit he is powerless but does he make your life and your children's lives unmanageable? Then he is an alcoholic. My AH went 6 months sober, went to AA, then stopped. He started drinking and it has been unmanageable the last 1 1/2 years. I stayed because there were many good days in between, but the bad days are starting to out weigh the good.
Just take one day at a time. you don't have to make a final decision today. Maybe just start thinking of a plan B...that is what has helped me so far...
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Originally Posted by SadInTX 
It doesn't matter how much he drinks, how much or how often, it's what he does when he is under the influence of alcohol. Step One of AA: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. He won't admit he is powerless but does he make your life and your children's lives unmanageable? Then he is an alcoholic.
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I just wanted to thank everyone who responded from the bottom of my heart. I know that I sound useless and like I repeat the same thing over and over.
It is hard to explain but it happens infrequently and so when it DOES happen, it hits so hard.
Usually we are in perfect accord - a year ago we made an agreement (based on my codependency and anxiety) that he would have at least 3-4 nights not drinking a week and only a few drinks. He has faithfully stuck to this.
There seems to be no 'tolerance' that I can see. Ever other month or so he will go to a friend or coworker drinking night (the other police in his station all drink very heavily) and i dont see him until the next day and thus no problem.
Redatlanta - you are right - the times that the verbal attacks start on me is if he LOOKS and seems drunk but says he is not. It is infrequent but me making a point and getting upset about it definitely make him react. I just cant seem not to. It doesnt help. So there is no hope I guess.
It is hard to explain but it happens infrequently and so when it DOES happen, it hits so hard.
Usually we are in perfect accord - a year ago we made an agreement (based on my codependency and anxiety) that he would have at least 3-4 nights not drinking a week and only a few drinks. He has faithfully stuck to this.
There seems to be no 'tolerance' that I can see. Ever other month or so he will go to a friend or coworker drinking night (the other police in his station all drink very heavily) and i dont see him until the next day and thus no problem.
Redatlanta - you are right - the times that the verbal attacks start on me is if he LOOKS and seems drunk but says he is not. It is infrequent but me making a point and getting upset about it definitely make him react. I just cant seem not to. It doesnt help. So there is no hope I guess.
Originally Posted by redatlanta
You seem to question whether or not your husband is an alcoholic and have for a while. Some things to think about:
Some signs to look for are : Tolerance, Inability to control the amount one drinks, Craving, and possible physical dependence such as withdrawal symptoms (shaking, sweating, nausea etc.) when they stop drinking. Not all alcoholics have physical dependence, and not all alcoholics necessarily appear the same. Often A's sneak what they drink an present what looks like a tolerable amount when in fact its actually double or triple what you have seen.
Going to suggest some things:
1) Stop approaching your husband regarding his behavior. You have written on here enough times his response is always the same. Its not going to change. Stop subjecting yourself to HIS abuse its working on you.
2) Detach labels from him its got you confused. It doesn't matter "what" it is be it alcohol or PD, you have a problem with his behavior, you are justified in feeling that way.
3) You aren't the problem here. He is.
I'm sorry you have lost your Al Anon group. There are phone in and online groups for support. In the meantime I would suggest reading "codependent no more" by Melanie Beattie. You do have signs of classic co-dependency.
Switch the focus of the alcoholic and put the focus on yourself.
BTW how many times has your husband threatened to leave you and is it working on you? because by my accounts of your threads it seems to be something he does all the time. whenever you have a conflict. He is still there. Boy who cried wolf.
Some signs to look for are : Tolerance, Inability to control the amount one drinks, Craving, and possible physical dependence such as withdrawal symptoms (shaking, sweating, nausea etc.) when they stop drinking. Not all alcoholics have physical dependence, and not all alcoholics necessarily appear the same. Often A's sneak what they drink an present what looks like a tolerable amount when in fact its actually double or triple what you have seen.
Going to suggest some things:
1) Stop approaching your husband regarding his behavior. You have written on here enough times his response is always the same. Its not going to change. Stop subjecting yourself to HIS abuse its working on you.
2) Detach labels from him its got you confused. It doesn't matter "what" it is be it alcohol or PD, you have a problem with his behavior, you are justified in feeling that way.
3) You aren't the problem here. He is.
I'm sorry you have lost your Al Anon group. There are phone in and online groups for support. In the meantime I would suggest reading "codependent no more" by Melanie Beattie. You do have signs of classic co-dependency.
Switch the focus of the alcoholic and put the focus on yourself.
BTW how many times has your husband threatened to leave you and is it working on you? because by my accounts of your threads it seems to be something he does all the time. whenever you have a conflict. He is still there. Boy who cried wolf.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
The important thing, for us, is that WE are powerless over their drinking, and it's up to us to do what it takes to be restored to sanity, whether the alcoholic/problem drinker quits drinking or not.
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Florence thank you for the book I really appreciate it no end.
I have been reading through it. My husband certainly deflects anything to do with confronting about alcohol. But with other problems he can communicate well. And he doesnt fit the abusive type...except with when I try and confront him about has he been drinking. But that is not even weekly. It could be every second month. Most of January and Feb has been quiet.
Is this how I want to live though. Or maybe I should stop trying to antagonise him?
Lexie, I really appreciate what you said. Usually if I confront him it is after the kids go to bed. Lately if I see his mood I will try and withdraw immediately. And text the next day. And then generally he will just agree to keep peace I guess.
I dont feel unsafe - but i dont feel like i classify as a battered woman. I feel like I would be wasting valuable resources and peoples times?
I have been reading through it. My husband certainly deflects anything to do with confronting about alcohol. But with other problems he can communicate well. And he doesnt fit the abusive type...except with when I try and confront him about has he been drinking. But that is not even weekly. It could be every second month. Most of January and Feb has been quiet.
Is this how I want to live though. Or maybe I should stop trying to antagonise him?
Lexie, I really appreciate what you said. Usually if I confront him it is after the kids go to bed. Lately if I see his mood I will try and withdraw immediately. And text the next day. And then generally he will just agree to keep peace I guess.
I dont feel unsafe - but i dont feel like i classify as a battered woman. I feel like I would be wasting valuable resources and peoples times?
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Originally Posted by lolitalola
Lexie, I really appreciate what you said. Usually if I confront him it is after the kids go to bed. Lately if I see his mood I will try and withdraw immediately. And text the next day. And then generally he will just agree to keep peace I guess.
I dont feel unsafe - but i dont feel like i classify as a battered woman. I feel like I would be wasting valuable resources and peoples times?
I dont feel unsafe - but i dont feel like i classify as a battered woman. I feel like I would be wasting valuable resources and peoples times?
I had a case several years ago (I'm a former prosecutor) where the couple had been married 25 years. The abuse during that time was "only" verbal/emotional/economic. At some point the victim left with her children, and after he found her and took one of their kids back, and she returned with the others, he began inflicting the most horrific kinds of physical abuse you can imagine.
I'm not saying that would happen to you. I'm saying it sometimes DOES happen and nobody in the DV community would think you are wasting their time or resources. They can help with safety planning, help hook you up with a counselor to deal with the fallout from this demoralizing abuse, and help you sort out the safest way to leave if you ever decide you're ready to do that.
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Do you see yourself living out your life with expected crippling anxiety when he is in
a drinking phase?
Especially as the drinking will progress and he won't "stick" to 3-4 time a week but will drink more and more through the years?
Is this the role model of a loving relationship you want you kids to model their own after?
Do you feel safe and trusting of this person, or only so at times?
This is your life--you deserve to feel happy and safe and not anticipating fear and anxiety from a partner's substance abuse, however "periodic" it is at the moment.
Worse will come as the addiction progresses.
I was a drinker who very gradually progressed from "occasional" drinking over the years to nearly daily drinking near the end.
I got meaner and meaner to my spouse as my own self-loathing increased, even though when I was sober, I apologized and said I wouldn't do it again.
Didn't work until I quit totally. Alcoholics just can't drink in moderation over the long term.
a drinking phase?
Especially as the drinking will progress and he won't "stick" to 3-4 time a week but will drink more and more through the years?
Is this the role model of a loving relationship you want you kids to model their own after?
Do you feel safe and trusting of this person, or only so at times?
This is your life--you deserve to feel happy and safe and not anticipating fear and anxiety from a partner's substance abuse, however "periodic" it is at the moment.
Worse will come as the addiction progresses.
I was a drinker who very gradually progressed from "occasional" drinking over the years to nearly daily drinking near the end.
I got meaner and meaner to my spouse as my own self-loathing increased, even though when I was sober, I apologized and said I wouldn't do it again.
Didn't work until I quit totally. Alcoholics just can't drink in moderation over the long term.
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