NOLAGirl

My mom is a 20+ year alcoholic with ESLD. During Christmas she was in the hospital - it was a stressful time with it being the holidays and a very touch and go situation. She came out of it, but her health has been steadily deteriorating. She is back in the hospital right now. It looks really, really bad. This might be the end, or it might not. Is it horrible I secretly yearn for it to be the end? She is suffering so much and I'm so tired of watching her suffer.

biminiblue

I'm sorry she (and you) are suffering.

I think it's done out of compassion, to hope that her suffering will end soon. Pretty normal human thought.

I hope they are able to make her comfortable.

Prayers for your family.

seasaw

NolaGirl I just went back and looked at your old threads and I can't help but feel angry, sad, and exasperated for what you've had to go through for so many years. It sounds like your mom has been at death's door more than a few times due to her drinking. Once would be enough - two, three, four times, and the effect it has on her own child... It boggles me. And it kind of freaks me out because I wonder if that's what I have to look forward to. My mom has only been an alcoholic for 2 years (health problems for longer, increased hospital visits since, of course). If I have to hear, every year or three, that she's 'at death's door,' for the next ten or twenty years, I feel like I would go crazy!

Well... the old me would. The me that has cut ties, the me that is accepting her past and present limitations and illnesses, the me that is figuring out what this grieving process looks like? Of COURSE it's not horrible for you to want to get off this ride!

But the thing is... I got off the ride when I went No Contact and accepted that my mom would never be my Mom (/again). I made sure anyone who hears about her hospital visits knows not to tell me about them. The one exception is that my aunt, her sister (who my mom has on her enemy list now, too, anyway) knows to tell me if she has passed.

So when you say you're watching her suffer... maybe you have to decide not to watch, and take that next step in your own individuation, and no longer lett her drinking effect you and your life. In practical terms that may mean making sure news of her deteriorating health doesn't reach you. What would that feel like?

NOLAGirl

Hi seasaw, thank you for your reply. I just wanted to touch upon something you brought up:

I know you mentioned you went back to look at my old threads, so you may have found the one - posted 2009 or 2010 - when I was struggling with the decision to estrange myself from my mom. If you didn't see it, I did make that decision; with both sadness and determination I went from October '09 until early 2014 without having any contact with my mom. It was probably the best decision I could have made for myself at the time. Come 2014 and the big game changer for ending the estrangement was the birth of my first son. I didn't want to be the reason my son never had the opportunity to know his grandma. I can't tell you how much harder it's been again having her back in my life, but also how much more at peace I personally feel with allowing my son to know her - or really just to be able to tell him later (he's 21 months right now) that he met her and she got to see him/love him/say goodbye before she passed. Yes I'm suffering, but she does suffer so much more than me. She has had so many close calls and for me it has been emotionally exhausting. But I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can't walk away - estrange myself - when she is in her last days/weeks/months - that's where we are at right now and it's a waiting game. I just don't want it to drag on for her in a miserable, painful, horrifying way. I'm tired of this, but I can't even imagine how tired she is.

DesertEyes

Hello there NOLAGirl

Wow, you've been through this many times already. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I do not think so. How could anybody _not_ want another human being to be free from pain? I think it shows a great depth of compassion that you want what is best for your mom in spite of the nightmare she has put you through.

I have watched a number of elderly friends and relatives suffer thru their last days, but nothing as bad as what you have been dealing with for years. I think you have _earned_ whatever feelings you have, no matter what they may be. And no, I do not think you are horrible, quite the opposite.

Mike

NOLAGirl

Thank you, DesertEyes. I'm in such emotional turmoil - sometimes I hope she doesn't make it and then other moments I'm desperately hoping she'll pull through. Sometimes I think it comes from a place of compassion, but also from a place of self-preservation; emotionally I'm just done. It's been a very difficult day wondering which way she is going to go - I think once we know what we're really looking at it will be easier in a way, but right now I'm kind of in limbo.

DesertEyes

Of course, what you are going thru is incredibly intense. You would have to be a _rock_ not to have a huge kettle of feelings.

I'm sure you are. I know I could _never_ have done half the things that you have done, for your kids to have a grandma image of some kind, and for yourself.

So what can you do in order to give yourself a little space? What physical actions can give you a few moments rest?

What I have done when staying with relatives in hospital is I walk down to the chapel in the hospital and just pray for a short while.

I have asked the hospital volunteers to sit with my relative a few minutes while I go walk down to the end of the hallway and back, just to get out of the room for a bit.

I get on my cell and call my friends and ask them how _they_ are doing, just to get _my_ mind focused on somebody else.

We are all here for you, NOLAGirl, so write all you want as often as you want.

Mike

makomago

I identify... ignoring my Mums drinking for the moment (she's dry mostly because she's forgotten her drink problem on account of her korsakoff and dementia).

My Mum suffers and always has with depression, not to mention the sundry other mental and emotional problems (which ever came first?!?!) and assuming in her case they're not one in the same!

Frequently she attempted to take her own life, as a child I witnessed this and sometimes had to intervene by putting my little hands in her mouth to try and take the tablets out.

When I reached a certain age I had many occasions when she was in hospital (after an overdose) or when she had been institutionalised, or even when she was just in the midst of a severe 'downturn' I wished the end but felt absolutely terrible for feeling that way.

Today, I don't feel that guilt or feel terrible for having those feelings. I appreciate how painful it is to watch another suffer and from my own experience I appreciate the suffering of an alcoholic... I practiced trait 4 and became alcoholic, I had a good teacher :-(

I genuinely believe that my thoughts of that nature today are out of compassion, I suspect when I was young the thoughts included more of an element of (weighted heavily) my own self interest i.e. how long could I cope with the worry and upset. I don't make a value judgement about either thought, or reasoning, just that I've accepted fully and wholly that I'm not responsible for her happiness. Her depression is not of my making, her drink problem is nothing to do with me. She continues to pay consequences and is at the point of no return. ... in a nutshell; I'm powerless and have surrendered.

I wish you peace and well being

biminiblue

Hi, Nolagirl. Just thinking of you today, and hoping that your burden will be lifted.

NOLAGirl

Kind of big change of events; not sure how to process it all: My mom was moved to an acute health care facility. I finally talked to two of her doctors and found out a lot of info - her MELD score is 12 which was a nice surprise. It had actually gone down over the past two days, so that was promising. Her doctors made it seem like she would pull through and have recommended her for an inpatient rehab stint of three months. I'm actually cautiously optimistic about the turn of events. Her doctor didn't sugar-coat it though - he told me she is declining and he thinks she could still go either way - pull through or go downhill really quickly. Her ammonia levels were still way too high and she was very disoriented today. But they're going to try their best to bring her out of this.

berryfines

NOLAGirl,

I have reread some of your older posts and I feel as though I could have written them. My mom was at one point in end stage liver failure but some how made a miraculous recovery and was sober for almost two years. Then she relapsed. Then I made the decision to go NC for about two years for my son's sake. While she's sober, she's the worlds best Grammy but how could I explain to my 3 year old why Grammy was acting weird and wouldn't wake up from naps for hours. I have many posts under jen928 from those years but unfortunately can not access that account anymore.
My mom is currently drinking heavily (9 years after being declared end stage) and I know the end is coming at some point in the near future. I have decided to go NC again. I spoke with her on sunday (she actually remembered her grandson's birthday and called) but that will be our last contact as the conversation was strange and upset my son (he is 8 and I have been honest with him about his grandmother's disease).

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and you are definitely not alone. Nothing like growing up with an alcoholic mother.

NOLAGirl

berryfines, I'm so sorry that we share such similar situations. It's a desperately painful situation to have to be in. (((hugs)))

NOLAGirl

Well, it's all gone downhill since my last post. My mom went AMA and left the acute care facility she was in. I was told by the staff there that if she wasn't immediately admitted back there or into any hospital, it was likely she wouldn't make it more than a day, if that. She has an infection in her stomach that is complicating the situation even more. I was able to locate my mom and beg her to go to the ER where she was put in ICU. Her original doctor there contacted me and told me that her prognosis was poor and she was back at the point where she could go either way. My sister is attempting to get power of attorney but my mom is acting "competent" enough that they will likly deny it. Although I do not understand how her going AMA, leaving with an iv still stuck in her arm, a catheter, and a drain in her stomach, is not deemed incompetence. So I think it's safe to assume that she is more likely to die than to survive this time. I'm trying to gather my wits, prepare myself, check out plane ticket prices, make arrangements for my son, in the event I'll be going to a funeral. I can't believe I'm back at this place again.

biminiblue

So sorry, Nolagirl.

Prayers that all your travel plans go smoothly. I have used bereavement fares when going to a funeral. It's kind of a hassle, but at least you can leave the return open. It's still expensive.

berryfines

I am very sorry to hear this. Good luck with everything and keep us updated.

tromboneliness

It's amazing how they can do this -- I mean alcoholics and frail/diminished elderly people... and probably alcoholic frail/diminished elderly people in particular. When they perceive the chips to be down -- someone's trying to send them to a nursing home or persuade them to move to assisted living, or they're being asked/ordered to give up booze, etc., no matter how crazy they've been acting, there's this reservoir of apparent sanity/competence/clarity they're able to call up, to convince a befuddled doctor that, despite the end-stage cirrhosis and brain damage, they're actually complete teetotalers -- or that despite the falls, inability to leave the house, and 68 trips to the ER in the past year, they're actually perfectly capable of living independently. They are able to convince doctors and other authorities that there is no reason they need to change anything. Despite how impossible it might seem to those around them, who've been living with the situation on a daily basis, they can put on a show and make it look like nothing's wrong.

Good luck. I hope your situation is resolved soon, one way or another.

T

AnybodyNobody

I'm very sorry to hear this Nolagirl. What a rollercoaster for you.

seasaw

Hi nolagirl - how how things? Hugs

NOLAGirl

seasaw, thank you for asking. My mom has made it though and her doctor said her health is teetering but she isn't in imminent danger anymore of succumbing to the complications of her alcoholism. I'm in disbelief that she "cheated" death again; I really thought this was the end. So now she is at a cross-roads - her doctor, social worker, and a psychologist recommended she immediately enter an inpatient rehab. Her doctor especially stressed that her liver is shot and the only hope she has left to live more than a year is to have a liver transplant. And a year, by his estimates, is very liberal. She may not make it a month; he said if she drank again that was the most likely scenario. My mom was initially very receptive to inpatient rehab, but she also seemed to be looking for excuses to back out. Well the social worker informing her let her know that my mom's insurance would not cover the treatment, however there are assistance programs that would - it was like my mom only chose to hear "won't cover it" and has since that moment refused to even discuss rehab any longer. As of today she had said she would "try" AA when she was feeling up to it.

I'm feeling so hopeless, but it's shifted again - I'm a spectator to her tragedy once more. I argued with her today quite vehemently over her choice to forgo drug rehab and she used all her guilt/manipulation powers she could muster to make me feel like I was the bad guy. I'm just so, so tired of this. I don't know if I can do it anymore. It was suggested I consider estrangement again and I seriously am. I know now that she has essentially given up and the end is near in sight. The only control I have is how I choose to live between now and that point - do I continue to agonize, cry, plead, become consumed with her every movement towards death or do I quietly shut her out so that I can grieve on my own terms? I have a lot to decide over the next few days.

NWGRITS

It's her life. That's what it boils down to, and the faster you accept that, the better it will be for both of you. She is making her choices. Stop arguing and work on your program.