slowlygoincrazy

First let me say I don't care what great advise anyone gives me regarding leaving my significant other, it's not going to happen, I would die without him and even though I know a person isn't supposed to be another person everything, he is essential to my happiness addiction and all... Ok so if you're still reading hopefully you won't reply suggesting I leave. I've been with him three years, met in a substance abuse/homeless program( him in the treatment portion me in the homeless portion) we met became friends and actually fell in love before becoming lovers, everything was great for the first 18 months, he helped me overcome my substance abuse, he helped me realize my self worth and helped me get help for my suicidal and self mutilation (mostly cutting)issues. Then he relapsed it happened unexpectedly and he was gone for two days, when he came home he was apologetic and wanted to go back into treatment, we put him on the list and then before his name came up he disappeared again. This time he was gone three days. The cycle repeated until the treatment center finally had a spot for him (took the better part of 6 months) he went into treatment stayed for 3 months then they released him and said he passed the program. The day after he was released we went to a meeting and that night he left again. At this point I was back to my suicidal tendencies and my actions led to his using and his using led to my actions, it was a bitter cycle until he got arrested, he only spent two nights in jail but we both realized that we both needed professional help. I started taking about my feelings instead of hurting myself and he stopped using, for a minute at least. Now he's using again, this roller coaster is slowly killing me but I can't leave I can't abandon him to the drugs/streets. I'm not okay with the using but I do prefer he use at home where I'm certain he's safe well as safe as an addict in active addiction can be. But he still disappears, he says it's not me, it's not another man or woman and he really doesn't know why he pulls the disappearing acts... I just need suggestions on how to survive until they (another program, a longer more intensive program) call him.
Any help other than telling me to leave is welcomed and appreciated!

Jaeger

You cannot lead him to use. He uses because he is an addict.

incitingsilence

There is nothing safe about using, nor is there a safe place to use. It doesn’t matter if he is home using or on the street.

He disappears because he is using, that simple.

YOU are not responsible for his addiction. HE is not responsible for you falling back into the suicidal tendencies … YOU cannot cause him to use and sadly you won’t be able to stop him if he wants to.

It is hard to watch and not spiral down when you aren’t an addict yourself. It is even harder if you are. And even more so if you aren’t stable enough in your own recovery.

The deck is literally stacked against you.

So if you are resigned to hang around and watch then I would ask what are you willing to do for yourself to give you the best chance in this? Are you going to commit to and work your own program not only from the addict side, but the codie side and make sure you are getting the counselling you need for the suicidal tendencies and cutting? Are you willing to make sure to protect your finances, protect yourself from the consequences that will arise from his addiction? Are you willing to see the lies for what they are, the truth? Are you willing to not buy the lines and excuses? Are you will to put strong boundaries in place?

There are people who stay. It isn’t easy and most lost their souls bit by bit with an active addict in their home, even with a recovery program. Some even lose their sobriety cause wtf after a while you just don’t care anymore. You become so worn down and in time the anger and resentment become the prefect fuel to allow. Because in reality they didn’t do anything but be who they were in the moment. The cycle of dysfunction. If he stays active it will just get worse and worse and worse … can you imagine worse?

Take good care of you. Make you your top priority and seek out all the support you can for yourself. That is where you hope lies, that is where you will find the answers you need and learn how to make the best choices for yourself.

Stay safe.

CarmenLove

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

Is there any small thing you can do today to make yourself feel a little bit better (nothing to do with him, just something small for you).

I'm sure some of the more experienced people will have good advice however I hear that meetings for family members are very supportive. Are you under a counsellor or some kind to professional support for yourself?

Sending love anyway.

PS - a good resource I have found is anything by Byron Katie (she has some free Youtube videos).

Ileana

Have you ever heard of the term Detachment with love? People in Al-Anon use the term, which is often misunderstood to mean "leave". [Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others. Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety.] From: Hazledon Betty Ford

Think of it this way, you can love, support, and have an emotional relationship with your addict, but you have to realize that support does not mean picking up the pieces or fixing the mistakes. Love yourself. Love your significant other. Support your choices and love him enough to make him to support his. If his choices are his problem then you "slowly going crazy" isn't part of the equation. Good Luck.