Berrybean

Just to check...

I've read different mentions of this inventory (also spoken of as a Sex inventory) that seem to suggest putting every sexual encounter ever on there. I haven't done that. I have just put it on if I felt I harmed / hurt them in some way.

(If they harmed / hurt me it's on my resentments list - you betcha!!).

If it was just a 'thing' and no-one was hurt or upset I left it off. That's okay isn't it? I have tried to be completely honest and put them on even if i *think* they may have been hurt even though I'm not sure. But things lie, for eg. Holiday romances when I was young where we all just drifted off into the sunset or kept in touch for a while and it fizzled out from the hottest romance since Cinderella into a vague pen-friendship but no-one seemed to have hurt feelings have been left off.

I've tried to judge my honesty by how I feel at the thought that I might bump into them tomorrow unexpectedly and how a conversation might go. Many of my memories are very vague (due to elapsed time as well as consumed alcohol).

I have also maybe cheated a little by trying to keep my list 'safe' by using initials etc. if others could be harmed if the list got read by someone it wasn't intended for (as suggested by my sponsor).

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

PS I still found the Assets work far harder than the Harms work - I think the Harms work felt more of a relief as I have beaten myself up for these things so much over the years that this was quite cathartic in a way. Whereas the Assets list was turning into quite a bloomin' To Do list, and I am inherently lazy

sugarbear1

I find this to also be a relationship inventory, not just about sexual encounters

Tommyh

initials are good when writing out the names,the main thing is you know who they are and thats good enough.

my sex inventory was basically out of the big book.Here is what my sponsor had me do and it worked very well.
I prayed and listed ,on paper,every sex act that came to my mind,that I had ever took part in....I just made a list first.
when in doubt,put the name on th elist,those 9 questions will weed out something if it isn`t supossed to be there
there are 5 categories to consider
sex with
self
men
women
objects
animals

I went thru my life and listed,as best I could ,everything,in all 5 categories

I then asked myself those 9 questions the big book has us to ask about every thing on our list and wrote out my answers.
where was I
1-selfish?
2-dishonest?
3-inconsiderate?
4-whom had I hurt?(Put ourselves here also)
Did we unjustifiably arouse
5-jealousy?
6-suspicion?
7-bitterness?

8-Where were we at fault?


9-what should we have done instead?

it is important to see our wrongs,not our "part",as people in AA say today.
By following these directions,I saw a lot of stuff I never could see before,like my sexual/relationship insanity.When it was all said and done,it showed me 2 pictures of life,the insane sex life I lived,and I saw how it could have been by answering the last question.

I saw a level of harms I had overlooked for years.I saw a ripple effect
of harms going out to others because of me.

my 8th step list became much longer
a sex inventory is not complete unless we come up with a sex ideal
I got my sex ideal from my inventory,mainly from question 9
I formed a sexual ideal,based on prayer and the results of this inventory.My ideal is in a form of a prayer since the big book suggests we pray for sanity.

like sugarbear says,it went deeper and further than just sex,it ruined many relationships
my relationships was based on sex and self

keep up the good work

Berrybean

That's how I've done it. More as 'people I have harmed' in whatever way.

Berrybean

This is really helpful. I did a lot of work on my Step 4 yesterday and suspect I was maybe getting a little tired towards 'the end' and really want it to be all done. But maybe there's still some more left to do. I shall have another look at my list along with your advice when I get some alone time on Wednesday. Thanks.

Berrybean

*sigh*

I have spent 2 1/2 hours on it this evening as partner is out so can focus without worrying about people looking over my shoulder. Feeling drained and an only about halfway through. What a piece-of-work I've been!!

Fly N Buy

I was guided by my sponsor to " clear away the boulders" from my past. I am also older and listing everything for 40 years would have resembled the federal tax code. He explained we were looking for patterns of behavior, which did indeed pop out.


I was also told by him and others that it was my inventory and really no wrong way to do it. We pray for guidance and put pen to paper. I will say I started with a bunch of templates etc, and eventually tossed them - got a spiral note book and started writing. Worked out well.

Sponsor told me early "if I can count to 4 I will get some results from AA". Most people never get that far......fear.

Good for you on doing a 4th step!

Berrybean

Yep - the patterns are already popping out. Lucky I'm word-processing as the good thing about all those repeated mistakes is that copy-and-paste is my friend. Although I can honestly say that a lot of those (the most worrying to me) habits automatically did seem to clear up when I got sober a year ago, so hopefully there'll be no more need for copy-and-paste in the future!! I will be very thankful if things do turn around that much (like you, after 40 odd years!!) but this is still a soul-wrenching experience.

Fly N Buy

Sponsor also cautioned that if I started feeling really bad or mad to put it down for awhile.......That was indeed good advice.

As I read mine I wanted a life do over - like we play in sports when kids in the backyard......Sad.

But, I am grateful we are given this opportunity for self examination. Few are