just have to get the crazy out.

Old 03-23-2015, 06:00 AM
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just have to get the crazy out.

Literally. Help.

1. My mom and her boyfriend's relationship is beyond unhealthy. I love my mom to death, I think she is the nicest and most helpful person anyone will ever meet. Deep down she sees herself getting taken advantage of by this man, but she just lashes out in codie style, hoping he will change. It kills me to see her live like this. She works herself 24/7 with her business to make ends meet and provide for us.

2. I took little blossom to an Irish festival this weekend. We had a blast. Mom's boyfriend had mentioned he might go up there too and take pictures of stuff. Okay. later that evening when we were all home he showed mom and I the pictures. He had apparently seen LB and I but didn't say hi. Instead he took distance shots of us standing in line. Creepy?

3. I took LB yesterday to see her paternal grandmother. Found out things about exabf that I think I knew deep down were possibilities but hearing them from his own mother kind of upset me in a way. He portrays his childhood as a struggle, one where he had to literally steal food from other peoples houses to feed his little sister and himself. I didn't tell any of the things he tells people to his mom but as she was talking about him and his childhood and past relationships it really did set in just how manipulative he is. He didn't steal food, he was just one of those teens who stole to steal. He was physically abusive to his ex wife, and one of his ex girl friends he technically raped (one of those, "yea lets do it, wait I don't want to" things where she changed her mind and he went ahead and did it. Which he kind of did to me too.). He beat up his mom. He terrorized his sister. Its obvious that his mom still loves him, but she is scared of him. I'm very glad to be away from him but all night after our visit I couldn't help but worry about LB in the future. Though he was never overly physically abusive with me (more mental/verbal), will he be with her when he blacks out drunk? I don't think he was like that with me because he had grown smarter with experience.

I just had to get some of this out. I will be so happy to move and give LB and I the peaceful place we need.
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Old 03-23-2015, 06:37 AM
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I don't know that the picture-taking is necessarily "creepy" (though you know the guy and we don't). Maybe he figured you were on a mom-daughter outing and he didn't want to intrude.

Your mom has to manage her own relationship with her boyfriend. You can encourage her but you can't fix it for her.

As far as your ex goes, he sounds like a pathological liar, among his other no-doubt sterling qualities. I'd make sure LB knows how to tell if dad doesn't seem "right" and make sure she has a phone to call you if she needs you. Have you had her in counseling or had discussions with her about her dad's drinking?
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Old 03-23-2015, 06:41 AM
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Mom's bf just does stuff like that. It would have been better if he had come and said hi, instead of taking pictures of the back of our heads while we were standing in line.

I know I can't fix it for her, I think just living there and seeing it makes it hard to be around.

She is too young to put into counseling, or so I've been told. She is 3. I told her she can always call me when she is over there if she is scared. Not that he would let her if it were actually something bad going on. I know I'm worrying right now for something that may or may not happen. My dad was abusive to all of his exs and my mom, but never ever laid a hand on me. I'm hoping that with exabf. It just brought up a lot of fears I didn't really know I had yesterday.
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Old 03-23-2015, 06:53 AM
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I'm really sorry, honey. I would be upset too.
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Old 03-23-2015, 07:10 AM
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I second that Blossom. So sorry you have to go through this. I am betting that it is super hard to watch your mom who you love have such codie behavior.

We nanny cammed my grandma's nursing home just for peace of mind. We were well aware if something did happen we could not use that legally but it did allow us to monitor. It was through a teddy bear that had a camera inside it. Just a thought. Not trying to encourage that, just saying that there are those types of items out there. The good thing is that she will soon be older and able to tell you things that are going on.

Tight hugs to you my friend. XXX
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Old 03-23-2015, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I second that Blossom. So sorry you have to go through this. I am betting that it is super hard to watch your mom who you love have such codie behavior.

We nanny cammed my grandma's nursing home just for peace of mind. We were well aware if something did happen we could not use that legally but it did allow us to monitor. It was through a teddy bear that had a camera inside it. Just a thought. Not trying to encourage that, just saying that there are those types of items out there. The good thing is that she will soon be older and able to tell you things that are going on.

Tight hugs to you my friend. XXX
Video recording someone in his/her own home without their knowledge is a crime most places. I don't even know how such a thing could even be placed, but it's considered harassment, invasion of privacy, potentially stalking, etc. NOT a good idea.
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Old 03-23-2015, 08:21 AM
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Oh wow. Did not know it was actually against the law. It was done for her protection and kept her safe and my mom from having a nervous breakdown, so I won't say I am sorry it was done. However, my wonderful grandmother passed at the age of 89 years old happily, so now it's not a factor.

Blossom, scratch that I even mentioned it!!!


Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Video recording someone in his/her own home without their knowledge is a crime most places. I don't even know how such a thing could even be placed, but it's considered harassment, invasion of privacy, potentially stalking, etc. NOT a good idea.
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Old 03-23-2015, 09:14 AM
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Obviously, not all alcoholics are violent or sociopaths. Beating a mom, terrorizing sisters and stealing to steal sounds more like mental illness totally separate from boozing.

Here in NY it is illegal to tape or voice record without permission. However, if you have power of attorney and can make a decision on behalf of your nana, you could tape.
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Old 03-23-2015, 09:22 AM
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Okay. later that evening when we were all home he showed mom and I the pictures. He had apparently seen LB and I but didn't say hi. Instead he took distance shots of us standing in line. Creepy?
Maybe. Is there some context that you're leaving out? He may just not have approached you because there is tension or because he knew you were doing a thing with LB. I have been a weirdo before and avoided saying hi to people I know exactly because I'm a weirdo. (Now I try to say hello.)

On #3, my last post from last week is similar. A long time ago I resigned myself to a deep understanding that my XAH was a liar who lies. He lied to me, to authorities, to therapists, to his parents, the police, the judge, and a lawyer. He lied to my family, my kids, employers, friends, other family, etc. Liars lie. I am no longer shocked and disappointed at the depth and breadth of the lies. I'll never know the extent of them, but I know he lied in abundance. And so it goes.
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Old 03-23-2015, 10:19 AM
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mom's boyfriend didn't mean to be creepy, he very, very socially awkward. He offends without meaning to, that is usually why he can't keep a job. It just kind of irked me...and it kind of triggered other stuff from mom's ex husband before him. He didn't mean for it to be creepy but it still is weird to me.
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Old 03-23-2015, 10:19 AM
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I'm not so sure about video recording in a nursing home--it would probably depend in part whether your grandmother was OK with it, or whether she was competent to consent and/or you had legal authority to consent on her behalf. Those things can get tricky.

But someone's private home is a definite no-no, even if you have good reasons for doing it. You can understand why--stalkers use those kinds of techniques to monitor what their victims are doing. Even the police generally couldn't get a warrant to do something like that. And even in your own home, most places you wouldn't be permitted to video record someone without his/her knowledge. Imagine one's spouse who suspects you of cheating. How creeped out would you be to find out there was a hidden camera in the ceiling of the bedroom?
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