Am I wasting my time loving him?
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Am I wasting my time loving him?
Hello, I'm new here. I have been off-again on-again with my boyfriend for about 18 months. I was married for ten years and I know how relationships go, but this man has me so confounded and causes me much suffering. He seems to have had little experience with women beyond the relationship he had at age 18 with the mother of his two teen children. He and that girl lasted about 6 years. His friends told me that in the past 15 years he never really had a girlfriend. He is 38 now. I knew he was odd and very different but I fell hard for him because of that, not in spite of it. He confessed his love to me 3 weeks after we started dating. I loved him too. It was an intense three months, then he began distancing himself. He has a job that takes him on the road, a white-glove roadie if you will, for a popular band. Very intelligent and charming, most people seem to like him and he's done very well for himself, self-taught with everything. Well the texts slowed way down and when I talked to him about it, he said he didn't know what was happening between us either. I felt he got too close to me and was withdrawing out of fear, but he lacked the self-awareness to know that's what it was. In desperation I told him that if we could not communicate better and he was going to act like a flake, we were not going to work. This seemed to freak him out and he came and got his stuff from my house. We didn't speak for two weeks, then he texted out of nowhere, I replied, and heard nothing back for about two more weeks. I basically by then was so hurt I just stopped all contact. He came back about a month later and wanted to reconnect. He seemed sincere, taking my kids and I out to eat and planning a daytrip with us for the next morning, for which he promised to set ten alarms and not let us down (he tends to sleep till 2-3 pm due to his job and lifestyle). Not surprsingly, he let us down and by 3 pm I was leaving voicemails asking how he could do this to us. Of course, no reply. He then didn't text for a few more weeks, then wanted to reconnect again, I went for it, everything was great for a few months then one night at a football game, I was cold having under-dressed, and left to go wait in a bar for him until the game finished. I texted him that he seemed a bit distant, and that was all it took for him to become really upset and accuse me of not having any fun with him (not true at all) and then he says we are not going to work, sorry. I ended up taking a cab home from that bar and not seeing him for two months. I desperately texted him after that for about ten days, getting no replies, trying to understand how he could be in love with me the day before, seem so content with me, and then just break up over something so dumb? And then ignore all my texts for ten days? Then I just gave up and went silent.
How he works is, once I stop all communication then he comes back to me, he usually tries to wait for enough time to pass that he can then text me something like "I think about you all the time and wonder how you are doing". He rarely ever addresses the break ups or our really bad communication breakdowns. He just waits until he thinks the worst has blown over and then tries to come back. He has done this to me basically four times now, with mini breaks in between the big ones too. He claims he loves the hell out of me, but when do I normally hear just how much he loves me? At 4 am when he's drunk. As the relationship goes on, he seems to become more bonded to me but also more afraid of our connection. He refuses to talk about things really, avoids seeing me in favor of heading to the bar to drink with friends. Yes he is an alcoholic. He doesn't drink every night, but when he does, he usually gets hammered. He is extremely charming and loving when drunk, but sober he can be moody, aloof and withdrawn. Our sex life has been torture, as he has some ED issues, and doesn't seem to have a high drive. But when drunk, I get texts that I am the sexiest woman in the world and he wants to do this or that to me. He never initiates anything while sober, but when drunk he wants to kiss for hours, he is hyperfocused on me but sex is never the outcome when he;s drunk, it's only ever worked a handful of times and when sober. I can only recall one time he really initiated it. but he inititiates kissing all the time when he drinks. Kissing has been our substitute for sex. I thought maybe I could live with it, but with all this other stuff I just don't know. He seems completely clueless about women, relationships, sex, but yet his career is soaring, he has great people skills, he's very clever and charismatic, collects friends everywhere and chats with famous people regularly. He almost never opens up about anything. I tend to overthink things, especially when there is conflict between us or we've split up again, and will text or email him like mad. He seems to accept this in me, and some of the other bad behaviours he brings out in me, and I accept him too. We know we love each other very much but I know we are two broken people. I too drink but not to the extent he does by any stretch, and I can and want to communicate with people and connect on deeper levels, whereas he tends to have shallow connections with others. I know he's ultimately lonely and empty inside. I feel guilty myself because I lose it and let him know what a mess he is. It's because I have given this man all my love, and everyone who knows me knows this, I have been so devoted to him, I see all the good in him, but all he keeps doing is running and reconnecting, running and reconnecting, at his convenience. Meanwhile, I don't know how many tears I've shed over him. I'm told I'm much too good for him. We can't seem to really let each other go. He is not the type to seek help either, at all. Very closed off. To the point that I feel he has physical blockages, and he has had health problems relating to blockages as well. Am I wasting my time with him? He knows he drinks too much and says he wants to cut way back now. He knows at 38 his body is really starting to resent it.
Is this behavior due to his alcoholism, or could it be something else, like fear of intimacy? Oh, and he's definitely not gay, I've confirmed that. The sexual stuff is another big mystery to me. He sometimes seems really frustrated and says it's not ok that he has these issues. I've been very patient and never anything but supportive and loving. We both think about each ALL THE TIME. But something keeps us apart and moving closer. I would say we are moving closer but at a snail's pace. Sometimes I tell myself it's worth it. Sometimes I say it's okay that I'm lonely because it is teaching me to love myself more which is always better for any relationship. But I'm in love with a man who really does NOT get it, any of it, and has failed to succeed in any relationship he's ever had. He doesn't really show he cares, but then he drunk texts me saying he cares a lot about me and he's sorry I can't understand that. He says he is who he is and he can't change. But he loves me and wants to be with me. I feel like ripping my hair out sometimes. But on the flip side, I have had some beautiful memories with him, and he is a very fun, funny, lovely person. I don't know what to believe anymore. Do I let him go, do I learn to understand him and accept his ways completely, and work on filling in the voids in myself, not expecting him to do that? Is this the addiction, will he ever break this pattern of running and reconnecting? He seems to hate himself at times. He wants everyone to like him and is that guy at the bar buying everyone drinks and tipping 50%. I'm at a loss. Loving him has been a crazy, painful, exhilarating, life-affirming, humbling, fascinating, experience. But will he ever really love and commit to me in his heart? Are two people down on themselves a recipe for disaster? Is loving an alcoholic a complete waste of time? I hate his silence. He says he doesn't reply because he can't "properly respond". And when he drunk texts me how he loves me so, he seems to withdraw after that too for several days. Very confused. Thank you for reading this.
How he works is, once I stop all communication then he comes back to me, he usually tries to wait for enough time to pass that he can then text me something like "I think about you all the time and wonder how you are doing". He rarely ever addresses the break ups or our really bad communication breakdowns. He just waits until he thinks the worst has blown over and then tries to come back. He has done this to me basically four times now, with mini breaks in between the big ones too. He claims he loves the hell out of me, but when do I normally hear just how much he loves me? At 4 am when he's drunk. As the relationship goes on, he seems to become more bonded to me but also more afraid of our connection. He refuses to talk about things really, avoids seeing me in favor of heading to the bar to drink with friends. Yes he is an alcoholic. He doesn't drink every night, but when he does, he usually gets hammered. He is extremely charming and loving when drunk, but sober he can be moody, aloof and withdrawn. Our sex life has been torture, as he has some ED issues, and doesn't seem to have a high drive. But when drunk, I get texts that I am the sexiest woman in the world and he wants to do this or that to me. He never initiates anything while sober, but when drunk he wants to kiss for hours, he is hyperfocused on me but sex is never the outcome when he;s drunk, it's only ever worked a handful of times and when sober. I can only recall one time he really initiated it. but he inititiates kissing all the time when he drinks. Kissing has been our substitute for sex. I thought maybe I could live with it, but with all this other stuff I just don't know. He seems completely clueless about women, relationships, sex, but yet his career is soaring, he has great people skills, he's very clever and charismatic, collects friends everywhere and chats with famous people regularly. He almost never opens up about anything. I tend to overthink things, especially when there is conflict between us or we've split up again, and will text or email him like mad. He seems to accept this in me, and some of the other bad behaviours he brings out in me, and I accept him too. We know we love each other very much but I know we are two broken people. I too drink but not to the extent he does by any stretch, and I can and want to communicate with people and connect on deeper levels, whereas he tends to have shallow connections with others. I know he's ultimately lonely and empty inside. I feel guilty myself because I lose it and let him know what a mess he is. It's because I have given this man all my love, and everyone who knows me knows this, I have been so devoted to him, I see all the good in him, but all he keeps doing is running and reconnecting, running and reconnecting, at his convenience. Meanwhile, I don't know how many tears I've shed over him. I'm told I'm much too good for him. We can't seem to really let each other go. He is not the type to seek help either, at all. Very closed off. To the point that I feel he has physical blockages, and he has had health problems relating to blockages as well. Am I wasting my time with him? He knows he drinks too much and says he wants to cut way back now. He knows at 38 his body is really starting to resent it.
Is this behavior due to his alcoholism, or could it be something else, like fear of intimacy? Oh, and he's definitely not gay, I've confirmed that. The sexual stuff is another big mystery to me. He sometimes seems really frustrated and says it's not ok that he has these issues. I've been very patient and never anything but supportive and loving. We both think about each ALL THE TIME. But something keeps us apart and moving closer. I would say we are moving closer but at a snail's pace. Sometimes I tell myself it's worth it. Sometimes I say it's okay that I'm lonely because it is teaching me to love myself more which is always better for any relationship. But I'm in love with a man who really does NOT get it, any of it, and has failed to succeed in any relationship he's ever had. He doesn't really show he cares, but then he drunk texts me saying he cares a lot about me and he's sorry I can't understand that. He says he is who he is and he can't change. But he loves me and wants to be with me. I feel like ripping my hair out sometimes. But on the flip side, I have had some beautiful memories with him, and he is a very fun, funny, lovely person. I don't know what to believe anymore. Do I let him go, do I learn to understand him and accept his ways completely, and work on filling in the voids in myself, not expecting him to do that? Is this the addiction, will he ever break this pattern of running and reconnecting? He seems to hate himself at times. He wants everyone to like him and is that guy at the bar buying everyone drinks and tipping 50%. I'm at a loss. Loving him has been a crazy, painful, exhilarating, life-affirming, humbling, fascinating, experience. But will he ever really love and commit to me in his heart? Are two people down on themselves a recipe for disaster? Is loving an alcoholic a complete waste of time? I hate his silence. He says he doesn't reply because he can't "properly respond". And when he drunk texts me how he loves me so, he seems to withdraw after that too for several days. Very confused. Thank you for reading this.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
What do you want to do? The man is an alcoholic and he is not seeking treatment. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and will get worse unless he stops drinking. Would he be interested in getting couples counselling with you to try to work on the intimacy issues that he has? I hope that you find some peace in your life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi Truthseeker, welcome to the forum. Regardless of whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic, he doesn't sound like the right fit for you. Nothing you wrote seems to signal compatibility.
If he is an alcoholic, it's only going to get much worse. If he isn't an alcoholic, he's not treating you very well at all. The silent treatment. The pelting you with a bunch of texts if it seems you're getting tired off it. He's a grown man. He's acting like an immature high school guy. I had a guy that treated me this way. Broke up with me in an email. After being fast and furious. I have no idea if he was an alcoholic or not. But he wasn't the right guy.
I guess ask yourself whether you're willing to put up with living this kind of life in this kind of relationship. Doesn't sound like it's particularly stable or supportive. You've been crying your eyes out and say he has caused you so much suffering. I dunno, but this just doesn't seem very healthy. Doesn't matter if he is charming or handsome or attentive. If you don't feel good about yourself and are always questioning him, his motives, the whys and wherefores, guessing what's going on. trying to find out ways to support him and "fix" the problems when he doesn't see there are problems or want to fix things, I'd say it's better to end it but only you can make that decision.
Check out the family and friends of alcoholics forum on here. There's a bunch of good information and some very supportive people. Good luck.
If he is an alcoholic, it's only going to get much worse. If he isn't an alcoholic, he's not treating you very well at all. The silent treatment. The pelting you with a bunch of texts if it seems you're getting tired off it. He's a grown man. He's acting like an immature high school guy. I had a guy that treated me this way. Broke up with me in an email. After being fast and furious. I have no idea if he was an alcoholic or not. But he wasn't the right guy.
I guess ask yourself whether you're willing to put up with living this kind of life in this kind of relationship. Doesn't sound like it's particularly stable or supportive. You've been crying your eyes out and say he has caused you so much suffering. I dunno, but this just doesn't seem very healthy. Doesn't matter if he is charming or handsome or attentive. If you don't feel good about yourself and are always questioning him, his motives, the whys and wherefores, guessing what's going on. trying to find out ways to support him and "fix" the problems when he doesn't see there are problems or want to fix things, I'd say it's better to end it but only you can make that decision.
Check out the family and friends of alcoholics forum on here. There's a bunch of good information and some very supportive people. Good luck.
Court jester
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 508
It sounds like you have poured your heart and soul into making this work, given it 100%. Do you think maybe that if you let him go, you would feel inadequate because your 100% was unable to bring him around? That you would somehow blame yourself that your best efforts did not work? (Which of course would be totally irrational and untrue)
And welcome! You will love it here!
And welcome! You will love it here!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 173
Hi truth seeker. Wow...you could have written my recent relationship story! I split with my partner about 2 months ago...for good, after what you have described so well...the on/offness of us, the full-on/distance scenarios, the lack of care from him, and the little need in your b/f to see some of the difficulties. It is heartrending i know, its painful and well...frankly goes nowhere really...except round and round - unless you can both agree to work on something different 'together'. Like you i tried sooooo very hard to make it work. Its exhausting - you'll agree? But, after his last distance/wanting to end it...i agreed, and havent tried to rekindle it...and know now i wont.
I am in recovery from alcohol myself (only 36 days in), and am with SR community for help with that. Although my former partner doesnt drink now...he had alcohol problems and was 10 mths sober when we met. Our parting wasn't to do with my drinking (it was hidden), but I made a HUGE decision (only god knows how) to try to recover from both this relationship and the alcohol...so far so good on both...
It's rare that the advice of others works truth seeker...I know that. So I wont offer any directly. But maybe ask some questions of yourself like:
- do you deserve to continue having so much pain?...try to honestly gauge the ratio of how much of those 'super' feelings you describe you have - against the weeping, questioning, not knowing what's going on times?
- do you want to really sign up to being the woman who helps your man 'develop' himself into someone more caring/selfless/self enquiring? This can be an enormous commitment. And will sap your energy like nothing else...this should be the job of a professional/ therapist...if he was willing to see one
- think you said you had kids? What's the impact of this/you being so unhappy on your little household?
- maybe you are addicted (just a little?) to his behaviour..maybe consider other friendships (with men or women) you've had? I answered 'no ' here for myself, but certainly fell hook, line, and sinker conclusion into my own relationship nevertheless. i am now convinced i was addicted to his charm/beauty (yes beauty), and talent (yes he was an 'ex well known musician' - a bit older than your man). It can help to ask this question of yourself, because it might help get a better sense of you seeing what 'you' can do to change this...instead of relying on him to change?
Anyway, I am going on a bit now - maybe a bit agonyauntish? But i hope something in this post might ring true for you...I wish you well...and, take good care x
I am in recovery from alcohol myself (only 36 days in), and am with SR community for help with that. Although my former partner doesnt drink now...he had alcohol problems and was 10 mths sober when we met. Our parting wasn't to do with my drinking (it was hidden), but I made a HUGE decision (only god knows how) to try to recover from both this relationship and the alcohol...so far so good on both...
It's rare that the advice of others works truth seeker...I know that. So I wont offer any directly. But maybe ask some questions of yourself like:
- do you deserve to continue having so much pain?...try to honestly gauge the ratio of how much of those 'super' feelings you describe you have - against the weeping, questioning, not knowing what's going on times?
- do you want to really sign up to being the woman who helps your man 'develop' himself into someone more caring/selfless/self enquiring? This can be an enormous commitment. And will sap your energy like nothing else...this should be the job of a professional/ therapist...if he was willing to see one
- think you said you had kids? What's the impact of this/you being so unhappy on your little household?
- maybe you are addicted (just a little?) to his behaviour..maybe consider other friendships (with men or women) you've had? I answered 'no ' here for myself, but certainly fell hook, line, and sinker conclusion into my own relationship nevertheless. i am now convinced i was addicted to his charm/beauty (yes beauty), and talent (yes he was an 'ex well known musician' - a bit older than your man). It can help to ask this question of yourself, because it might help get a better sense of you seeing what 'you' can do to change this...instead of relying on him to change?
Anyway, I am going on a bit now - maybe a bit agonyauntish? But i hope something in this post might ring true for you...I wish you well...and, take good care x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Truthseeker--you've gotten some good feedback here, and I can't add much. Here's the link for the "Family and Friends" section of the forum that was mentioned by others: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Coming here to post is a good first step in your own recovery. There's a lot to take in, and it's going to take time to find your way. I wish you strength and clarity, and I hope you keep coming back.
Coming here to post is a good first step in your own recovery. There's a lot to take in, and it's going to take time to find your way. I wish you strength and clarity, and I hope you keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Are you seriously going to let him jerk you back and forth? He will do it if you let him.
From your post I feel he brings too much drama and turmoil and you would be best served to cut him out. He will not change for you... We change when WE are ready. You might also be helping him by not enabling him anymore...
You deserve better!!!
From your post I feel he brings too much drama and turmoil and you would be best served to cut him out. He will not change for you... We change when WE are ready. You might also be helping him by not enabling him anymore...
You deserve better!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I had a very similar experience with a man a couple of years ago. I loved him desperately. He loved me, but couldn't follow through on communications, pulling away and then throwing himself forward. Two books gave me great insight and helped me to make the decision to let go of the relationship. The first was "He's Just Not That Into You" (which was made into a movie, but the book is different - more of a self help book, not fiction), and "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl."
My ex was also charismatic, amazing, beloved by others, dynamic. It was the way he continually overwhelmed me with attentions and then abandoned me (over and over and over) which finally led me to end things.
I still see him (through my profession). He is still very attractive to me, and I can feel that he is still very attracted to me. This doesn't matter. What does matter is the way someone treats me, and he did not treat me well.
My ex was an alcoholic, and it sounds like yours is too. Still, that doesn't really matter. What did matter is that my ex was a narcissist, and didn't really care about my experience.
It is okay to let go of someone extraordinary, if they don't treat you the way you need to be treated. There are many extraordinary people in the world. We only need one person to love and to love us, so necessarily there will be many people who we find attractive or interesting but don't have relationships with...
My ex was also charismatic, amazing, beloved by others, dynamic. It was the way he continually overwhelmed me with attentions and then abandoned me (over and over and over) which finally led me to end things.
I still see him (through my profession). He is still very attractive to me, and I can feel that he is still very attracted to me. This doesn't matter. What does matter is the way someone treats me, and he did not treat me well.
My ex was an alcoholic, and it sounds like yours is too. Still, that doesn't really matter. What did matter is that my ex was a narcissist, and didn't really care about my experience.
It is okay to let go of someone extraordinary, if they don't treat you the way you need to be treated. There are many extraordinary people in the world. We only need one person to love and to love us, so necessarily there will be many people who we find attractive or interesting but don't have relationships with...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 112
Thanks to you all for your replies. I will think about what you've told me. Every bit of advice or sharing your similar experiences helps me to see reality, because my love him sometimes clouds that for sure. And I know I deserve better. I sometimes feel sorry for him because he seems so genuinely confused why and how he is hurting me. Thank God I have a ten year marriage under my belt to see that his behavior isn't normal. If I hadn't had all those years with a "normal" man I might really be blaming myself for everything and thinking only I needed to change. But my ex husband was never this way. He understood what I would say, he would know when he made me upset and understand why when I would explain. Bf seems confused and only gets defensive.
I've considered bf might be a narcissist but I haven't been able to decide if he is, or just afraid of getting too close to me. He admitted to me he is "****** up" but he never elaborates. He will say things like "I try to be good, but it seems like no matter what I do I fail at that", "I want to be a better person for you", "I wish things were not so hard between us because I would love nothing more than to be yours". And he will get drunk and text "Dammit, why can't you understand how much I love you? I don't even know what to do!" It's like he knows he's not right but is powerless to do anything about it. I think his masculinity prevents him from seeking help. I feel like he's got a good soul, therefore I don't see him as a narcissist. I really feel I awakened something in him though, that I hope will somehow get him on a more spiritual path, more self-awareness, but that kind of stuff can take a long time to happen. Plus he has to want to change, even if I changed him completely and he will never be the same, he still has to change in the ways that allow him to have a healthy relationship.
It must be exhausting to be him and put on that front to the world all the time, then maybe he has no energy left for me and the relationship. Whatever the case, I know this is not good for me. The good doesn't outweigh the bad. It's so hard because I truly do love him. Thanks again, for your comments and welcomes, and I am happy to have found this forum.
I've considered bf might be a narcissist but I haven't been able to decide if he is, or just afraid of getting too close to me. He admitted to me he is "****** up" but he never elaborates. He will say things like "I try to be good, but it seems like no matter what I do I fail at that", "I want to be a better person for you", "I wish things were not so hard between us because I would love nothing more than to be yours". And he will get drunk and text "Dammit, why can't you understand how much I love you? I don't even know what to do!" It's like he knows he's not right but is powerless to do anything about it. I think his masculinity prevents him from seeking help. I feel like he's got a good soul, therefore I don't see him as a narcissist. I really feel I awakened something in him though, that I hope will somehow get him on a more spiritual path, more self-awareness, but that kind of stuff can take a long time to happen. Plus he has to want to change, even if I changed him completely and he will never be the same, he still has to change in the ways that allow him to have a healthy relationship.
It must be exhausting to be him and put on that front to the world all the time, then maybe he has no energy left for me and the relationship. Whatever the case, I know this is not good for me. The good doesn't outweigh the bad. It's so hard because I truly do love him. Thanks again, for your comments and welcomes, and I am happy to have found this forum.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
You may be reading far more into what he is saying than is actually there. Sometimes a rock is just a rock, and not a diamond in the rough. He's telling you loud and clear what's going on. He's "effed up." Things are so hard between you.
I kept getting involved over and over and over again with guys who either needed major fixing (in my eyes), who were the poor misunderstood misfit, the addicted. My husband is an addict. I think I gravitated to the unavailable for whatever reason guys because I was punishing myself for divorcing a perfectly nice, absolutely normal man. I tried to fit these guys and myself into little boxes and the results were always painful.
I guess ask yourself why you are willing to accept so little for so much energy expended and so many tears shed? Maybe take a breather from him for a bit.
I kept getting involved over and over and over again with guys who either needed major fixing (in my eyes), who were the poor misunderstood misfit, the addicted. My husband is an addict. I think I gravitated to the unavailable for whatever reason guys because I was punishing myself for divorcing a perfectly nice, absolutely normal man. I tried to fit these guys and myself into little boxes and the results were always painful.
I guess ask yourself why you are willing to accept so little for so much energy expended and so many tears shed? Maybe take a breather from him for a bit.
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