numa729

My ex wife has been a addict for the 15 years I've known her. First alcohol then later the pain pills... they robbed her of her identify. About 10 failed inpatient and outpatient rehabs, 10 times in one particular place just to detox, and 3 documented suicide attempts in which she was placed on a mental hold. 2 years ago I divorced her and took full custody of my three small boys. The lying, cheating and immoral behavior was literally killing me. After a year she returned and claimed sobriety and I fell for it. I watched her spiral out of control once again with pills. I gave her the ultimatum she took her pills and left. She immediately hit a detox facility and came off opiates yet again. That was just over a month ago. Now she refuses to communicate with me and ignores her children, other than the three phone calls a week the court stipulated. When she calls the children refuse to speak to her anyway. She was granted supervised visitation 2 years ago but has never even set it up. She was fired from her job because of being in a rage at work, which generally means she is popping Sudafed or something with Ephedra, which is common after she detoxes from opiates. She has never held a job more than a few months in the 15 years I've been with her. I am in counseling and Al Anon. I still cannot understand the immoral behaviors attached with addiction. my ex is now attached to a 50 year old man who she is manipulating for the things she needs and still refusing contact with me. The loss of her family and even going to jail has not stopped this woman. In all my groups I've attended she is the most severe case anyone has seen. My attorney stated the same thing. Why am I the enemy and what will it take to make her stop? I do not understand addiction. No amount of self realizations and therapy can make sense out of it. Surrender and Acceptance....I know. Please any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Anna

Why do you think that you're the enemy? Your wife is in the clutches of addiction and will do anything to support the addiction. It's not personal and it's not about you. I'm very sorry you've had to deal with this for so many years. I hope that your wife makes the decision to live a sober life for her sake and for her children.

biminiblue

I'm sorry for your situation.

Unfortunately the bottom for some people is death.

I hope you can come to the realization that you didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Just be the best Dad you can be and let go of her and her illness. Don't let it suck any more life out of you or your beautiful children.

Nonsensical

How awful for you. I am sorry you are going through this.

Absolutely nothing within your control.

For the sake of your children, let it go and move on. You have a HUGE job in front of you. Do not let your boys grow up believing the person in the mirror wasn't good enough for their own mother.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum numa!!

Addiction is exactly that, being addicted to something and obtaining it by what ever means required, which is why a path of destruction can be a part of an addicts actions, and sadly some never turn things around even with death being the final consequence!!

There is no more mystery than that I'm afraid!!

numa729

I don't know why I feel I'm the enemy. I guess I don't understand why she is intentionally hurting me with her silence, as she knows it does.

biminiblue

Asking "why" isn't going to help you.

Whether she's being silent to hurt you or whether she hasn't even given you a thought is not the issue - the issue is that you are holding on to something that is over and done.

Let her go.

God puts a period where we put a question mark.

FreeOwl

Something I finally learned with my ex that has really helped; trying to make sense out of senselessness is senseless.

Or to put it another way; trying to figure out crazy will only make you crazy.

Let go, move on.

2muchpain

I think the best thing you can do is channel your time and energy into you and your family staying healthy. Her addiction and behaviors have nothing to do with you. It's normal to feel guilty when someone you love is hurting, thinking maybe if I did this or that. I think that's why some people become codependent, trying to help or fix the other person, when the addict needs take responsibility for their actions, and be will to do something for themselves. Sounds like she might be trying to play on your feelings by giving you the silent treatment. DON'T BUY INTO IT. It won't do her any good, and will only cause you more heartache. Try to focus on you and your kids. Her addiction is hers, not yours. Your in a tough spot. Take care. John

Soberwolf

Welcome Numa unfortunately you know it has to be her who chooses to be sober but to be honest i think your better off away from her & moving forward with your life being a good dad

have you checked our friends & family section ?

Sisterbobby

she is also manipulating you with her silence. I hate the silent game. Let it go and Run like hell and be the best dad you can be.

good luck and welcome to SR

numa729

I have not. Thank you.

thomas11

hi numa, that sounds very rough. Sorry to hear it. Like others have stated, you probably can't fix it, so focus on yourself and your children. I believe you will be happier.

sva777

Even though she was your wife and mother of your boys don't waste any more time and let her go. Do not be tricked to letting her back in and dragging you down. If she ever recovers she needs to start fresh and not with the responsibility of 3 kids.

Bmac

I guess I would ask what does she have to offer you by NOT being silent? Is there anything positive that she can contribute to you or the kids at this point? I agree with the above posts, let go and move on.

Welcome to this place brother, it will help you tremendously!

Dee74

Welcome to SR Numa. I know you'll find support here

I know it's hard to watch that descent, especially if you care for someone - but like Anna says - you're not the enemy. It's not about you at all I don't think?

D

numa729

Great feedback by everyone, I very much appreciate it. This is just not a situation I ever imagined I'd be in....

Mountainmanbob

Some, it is sad to say will die in that condition. All you can really do is take care of yourself and your boys and pray for her.

I have known many drunks and or addicts who sobered up for a while more than once only to die in the end while into yet another relapse.

MM

Latte

I'm sick. I am your wife. I mean not really, but similar circumstances.

I'll tell you what their Dad did. Al-Anon, we divorced, I have to be clean when I see them. He has full custody and I have visitation. They are 12 and 16. I rarely see them because they are very angry at me. I'm clean now and have been for a little over a year but I cannot take care of them and they are happy. I live with someone and we love each other and their Dad is getting remarried.

I didn't quit until I was ready. Today I choose not to drink and use. The things I want are elusive if I don't stay clean and sober.

You have my .02 now.

You can only help yourself. You're in the right place.

numa729

Posted one few days ago, found feedback very useful so posting again. My ex is a addict. I have sole custody of our boys and continue to work and raise kids etc. I attend Al-anon and counseling. I have no contact with ex. But I can't stop thinking about her constantly! It's driving me crazy. I know she is out there shacking up with men and using, it's what she always does when she bails on the family. Why can't I just stop? I feel nervous and down most of time. I know about admitting I'm powerless and all that.... but how do I apply it? And how does the addict say they love you and 2 weeks later move in with someone they just met? My ex is 36, no Diploma, no car, no driver license, no money, can't keep a job, and only place to live is at her mom's crappy little trailer. If it wasn't for our history and kids together she would never be someone I would be with. That's my dilemma... why do I feel like I miss her? Or even "love" her? She abandoned us time and again. Does this feeling go away? How can I stop being consumed by this and lead a stress free life and be a better father to my kids? Please advise me. I just hate this. Is their anyone who can relate?