AnybodyNobody

I had a lightbulb moment in the middle of the night. Yesterday I was reading about emotional blackmail in relation to my AM and the four types of blackmailers. She is, as most are, a combination of the types (Punishers, Self-punishers, Sufferers, and Tantalizers), but mostly the Sufferer/Self-punisher dynamic of victim and martyr.

Anywho, the lightbulb moment was my realization of how egregiously manipulative it is for her to make statements of "I don't have any plan to commit suicide, but I don't want to be alive. If it weren't for you and your sister, I wouldn't have anything to live for. I'm so grateful to have you, you're such a good friend and daughter". I have heard this line of thinking from her since I was in high school (so for over 10 years now) and it JUST clicked that this is another way of threatening to kill herself if we don't comply with caretaking her. Wow. It is so obvious to me now.

As I've been detaching and having less contact with her, this has been in the back of my mind and causing some guilt feelings I needed to process. The threat that if I go no contact she will kill herself. I bought it all these years. What a heavy responsibility to lay on your child.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to deal with this kind of veiled threat. What are some of your emotional blackmail experiences with your A's?

Duckygirl1

From my own experience and others I've known. You have absolutely no worry that she will kill herself. People who want to die, do so without too much chatting before hand and certainly not ten years worth. She may honestly not be trying to manipulate. But when a person says that they don't want to be alive, it may be a sign of depression and a badly executed cry for help. She's just asking the wrong people in the wrong way. From her statement you quoted, I didn't read "I WILL kill myself if my kids go no contact"

I am coming to learn the power of taking responsibility for my emotions and reactions. Any action or inaction a person chooses to make is also their own. I'm not saying that we have free reign to act an ass or treat people like crap then add insult to injury by telling them that we're not responsible for their happiness. I'm saying that at some point she has to own her stuff and ultimately the choice is hers and no part of you being "a good friend and daughter"

Next time she says that, maybe try replying, we need you too. It's worth a try.

AnybodyNobody

Hi Ducky, thanks for the response. I agree that she is not actively suicidal, but she is definitely depressed. She is on anti-depressants and has been in therapy in the past for her depression and anxiety. And obviously drinking on top of her antidepressants is not helping her mental health any.

It isn't so much that I believe she actually would kill herself (outright, other than the slow death caused by her drinking), and I understand that even if she did it could never be my fault or anyone's fault as her behavior and choices are her own.

It is more that I am gaining new awareness of my codependent relationship with her. I see the manipulation behind using that kind of language with me. It is designed to keep me as an enabler, in a friend/therapist role as opposed to a healthy mother/daughter, adult individual to individual relationship. My father died when I was in high school and she has used me as a surrogate partner in a lot of ways also since then. I have felt responsible for her emotions and maintained a pretty high level of caretaking to try to ameliorate her internal pain. And now I that I am seeing the dysfunction I can make different choices about how I'm willing to relate with her.

happybeingme

That is really good growth on your part. Well done. I don't have any advice but I do have experience as my mother's friend, partner, confidante. It is a sick position to be in. I finally went no contact when I could no longer deal with my mom seeing my boundaries as nothing more than something for her to stomp all over.

Rosalba

I used to work for a suicide helpline and, actually, people who attempt/commit suicide DO generally talk about it beforehand. It's a known factor when assessing suicide risk. I'm not talking about people with terminal illnesses who do so as a form of voluntary euthanasia, but people who are emotionally troubled.

My late father started taking overdoses when he was 16. He would make suicide attempts at not infrequent intervals, but he was 47 when he finally took the massive paracetamol which killed him - and he certainly talked about it for more than ten years. Alcoholics have a massively high suicide rate; there's research on it here: Alcohol and suicide. - PubMed - NCBI

To the OP - yes, it's very important not to let yourself be manipulated by threats or veiled threats. A suicide threat in its own way is as aggressive as a murder threat. There may be times when your mother needs support - but don't forget that there may be times when you do, too.

(((HUGS)))

PurpleWilder

Can someone find a link to an article on the 4 types of manipulators mentioned in the starting post? I think I and others would be interested in reading this....

AnybodyNobody

Hi Purple,

It comes from the book "Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You" by Susan Forward.
Here is an Amazon link:
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blac.../dp/0060928972

I couldn't afford to buy it (will look into whether my library carries it) but I found this website that has a good portion of the book as a sample you can read:

http://www.harpercollins.com/web-sampler/9780060928971

BlindBfour

AnybodyNobody I am so glad I found your post. I really need to read this book. Thanks for posting the link. Last night my alcoholic told me it would be a mistake for me not to take him back because I would be missing out, it would be my loss because the future was going to be great. He can promise ponies and rainbows everyday but I will not bite.