Being attached to a specific outcome
New Life Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
Being attached to a specific outcome
Okay, I have posted about Step 1 and Step 2 that I have understand the whole thing about we admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable and Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I am having problems with step 3- I put this on here cause I still feel like I am still a newcomer and wanting our other newcomers to see that is hard to understand things and are not alone. I would like to get help on this step and go on. But, I feel I am Attached to a Specific outcome and cant let go for my higher power to do the rest.
Could it be that I might not ready for my higher power to take over my life? Could that be a specific outcome?
I really want to understand and take control of the things I need help with and get me through it.
I am having problems with step 3- I put this on here cause I still feel like I am still a newcomer and wanting our other newcomers to see that is hard to understand things and are not alone. I would like to get help on this step and go on. But, I feel I am Attached to a Specific outcome and cant let go for my higher power to do the rest.
Could it be that I might not ready for my higher power to take over my life? Could that be a specific outcome?
I really want to understand and take control of the things I need help with and get me through it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Hey Jen, I am not in AA. But I think I apply some of the concepts.
I think it's about putting all your trust in your creator. God. To see him as a loving father that can help you cary the burden of sobriety.
Personally my creator cannot do it for me, but after I open my heart and make the steps to remain sober, he is right there with me to carry the weight.
My grandpa died of Alcohol liver failure. He always said why doesn't god remove my thirst? He missed on that one and died. God will never directly intervene and take the bottle out of our hands. We have to walk half the road.
Hope my 25 cents makes sense
I think it's about putting all your trust in your creator. God. To see him as a loving father that can help you cary the burden of sobriety.
Personally my creator cannot do it for me, but after I open my heart and make the steps to remain sober, he is right there with me to carry the weight.
My grandpa died of Alcohol liver failure. He always said why doesn't god remove my thirst? He missed on that one and died. God will never directly intervene and take the bottle out of our hands. We have to walk half the road.
Hope my 25 cents makes sense
New Life Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
Hi Pat, that makes sense, I know my creator of god is suppose to help me, maybe there is more something deeper in this that I cant just let go.
My father died in 2007, it was awful seeing a body bag in the house I grew up in here Indiana in the bathroom. I moved out in 1999 and got married, so it was just my mom and dad living in the house. I just got this job when my husband called me to tell me he's coming to pick me up. When he told me on the phone cause I had to tell my boss why he was coming to get me. I screamed and cried and fell on the ground underneath me desk.
My co-workers told me we will put everything back in the drawer and clean my desk, they told me go do what you need to do. I called my boss cause she was at a meeting , she called me back and told me, to take a week off and then come back.
When I came back I notice that my internet wasn't working so I couldn't get in my email. I thought maybe it was a technical problem. That wasn't it, I got escort out and lost my job, cause of HIPPA violations... Due to trusting my co-workers to clean up my desk when my father died.
Anyways, maybe I am holding on my father dying that my creator cant help either to go through this path of recovery.
Does this make any sense....... I just need to trust but I cant and I don't know what I need to do.
My father died in 2007, it was awful seeing a body bag in the house I grew up in here Indiana in the bathroom. I moved out in 1999 and got married, so it was just my mom and dad living in the house. I just got this job when my husband called me to tell me he's coming to pick me up. When he told me on the phone cause I had to tell my boss why he was coming to get me. I screamed and cried and fell on the ground underneath me desk.
My co-workers told me we will put everything back in the drawer and clean my desk, they told me go do what you need to do. I called my boss cause she was at a meeting , she called me back and told me, to take a week off and then come back.
When I came back I notice that my internet wasn't working so I couldn't get in my email. I thought maybe it was a technical problem. That wasn't it, I got escort out and lost my job, cause of HIPPA violations... Due to trusting my co-workers to clean up my desk when my father died.
Anyways, maybe I am holding on my father dying that my creator cant help either to go through this path of recovery.
Does this make any sense....... I just need to trust but I cant and I don't know what I need to do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Your father's passing is what needs to most healing and attention.
I understand perfectly. I saw my mom pass, she took her last breath and she looked terrified. It traumatized me and got me to drink like a fish.
Until one day, my ex saw a psychic. The lady told her that an older lady said "i didn't want to leave so early, but now that I am in the light, I am finally happy"
There were additional personal details that only I and my mom knew. So it was not BS or constructed.
Since that day, I realize that there is something greater than us, that it is a loving creator, and that someday I will see my mom and my dad again.
So keep healing and digging my dear Jen, pay attention to the signs your father can communicate with you. Could be a couple of subsequent 11:11, 4:44
Look for the signs
I understand perfectly. I saw my mom pass, she took her last breath and she looked terrified. It traumatized me and got me to drink like a fish.
Until one day, my ex saw a psychic. The lady told her that an older lady said "i didn't want to leave so early, but now that I am in the light, I am finally happy"
There were additional personal details that only I and my mom knew. So it was not BS or constructed.
Since that day, I realize that there is something greater than us, that it is a loving creator, and that someday I will see my mom and my dad again.
So keep healing and digging my dear Jen, pay attention to the signs your father can communicate with you. Could be a couple of subsequent 11:11, 4:44
Look for the signs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Hi Jen,
My sponsor taught me that if we struggle with a particular step, we should always consider whether we truly have done the prior one. In other words (and I struggled mightily with this early on): do you really believe that a higher power can restore you to sanity? Do you truly understand how insane you are/have been?
Great question!
My sponsor taught me that if we struggle with a particular step, we should always consider whether we truly have done the prior one. In other words (and I struggled mightily with this early on): do you really believe that a higher power can restore you to sanity? Do you truly understand how insane you are/have been?
Great question!
Court jester
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 508
I believe we all share the same higher power, although each person may call it something different (Jesus, God, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, Krishna, the Collective Unconscious etc. etc.). It really doesn't matter what you call it. You cannot get wet from the word "water". You have to jump in and experience it.
I also believe that we are all intimately connected to each other and to the energy that is God. For example, the same energy that will grow my hair a millimeter tonight will also grow yours. That energy (God for lack of a better term) is not only all around us, but within us and is available for us to tap into at any time.
You WILL find your own understanding of this step. Just don't drink until it happens
I also believe that we are all intimately connected to each other and to the energy that is God. For example, the same energy that will grow my hair a millimeter tonight will also grow yours. That energy (God for lack of a better term) is not only all around us, but within us and is available for us to tap into at any time.
You WILL find your own understanding of this step. Just don't drink until it happens
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
I just read your reply, above. My Dad passed in 2006, and my drinking went through the roof afterwards. Here's what I came to recognize: on some level, I never expected my father to die. I was so unprepared for that reality that when it occurred, my only possible reaction was disbelief and anger at the injustice I had suffered. The work situation was truly unfortunate, but you apparently expected your employer to be fair and ignore the HIPPA breach. They weren't, you got fired, and if you are still nursing a resentment over it, you will have the opportunity to explore than in steps 4 & 5.
New Life Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
I have dwelled about my father death, I have suffered and suffered wish I cant take it back and wish it could be different. I guess its time to let go and go forward and live my life without him.
I never cried when I was up there standing with my mom, seeing my mother was a awful feeling. I wanted to cry with her but I felt like I had to be strong. I was more angry when days, months and years passed. My mother told me she let go and understand her husband my dad wasn't with us anymore.
I was very close to my father than my mother...
I been thinking about the steps to let go, and this is what I need to do...
Let myself feel
Don't glorify the past
Distance yourself as much as possible
Take care of me
I never cried when I was up there standing with my mom, seeing my mother was a awful feeling. I wanted to cry with her but I felt like I had to be strong. I was more angry when days, months and years passed. My mother told me she let go and understand her husband my dad wasn't with us anymore.
I was very close to my father than my mother...
I been thinking about the steps to let go, and this is what I need to do...
Let myself feel
Don't glorify the past
Distance yourself as much as possible
Take care of me
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
jen,
don't know if this might be helpful to you or more confusing: reading what other people are saying and thinking about each individual step, how they see. you can find tons of threads on each step in the 12-step forum.
don't know if this might be helpful to you or more confusing: reading what other people are saying and thinking about each individual step, how they see. you can find tons of threads on each step in the 12-step forum.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Originally Posted by fini 
jen,
don't know if this might be helpful to you or more confusing: reading what other people are saying and thinking about each individual step, how they see. you can find tons of threads on each step in the 12-step forum.
don't know if this might be helpful to you or more confusing: reading what other people are saying and thinking about each individual step, how they see. you can find tons of threads on each step in the 12-step forum.
I was aiming at the root cause. See my mom did the AA program. It worked good for her for a few years. Yet, she went back to the bottle, and died from Alcoholism. Since I don't know the program, I can only conclude that her sexual abuse as a child was never addressed. I believe this was the root cause for my mom. That being said, even if Jen does 12 steps, 50 times, but never deals with her fathers passing, she is facing difficult odds. Because the memories of her father, unless transcended and healed properly will keep coming back to haunt her.
Good luck Jen
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
.Here is something that happened to me and when step 3 started to make sense.
My profile pic is my beloved Cuervo. She was Ill with cancer and I prayed to God that she would not be in discomfort that day.
I got call from my wife that Cuervo could no longer get up. We brought her to the vet and that day we put her down.
When I prayed that morning to relieve her discomfort I was not thinking about her death.
With the passage of time I can see that she was telling us the time had come. There was no guilt no second guessing. It was time.
At the time I could not see that God granted my prayer in the best possible way available
My profile pic is my beloved Cuervo. She was Ill with cancer and I prayed to God that she would not be in discomfort that day.
I got call from my wife that Cuervo could no longer get up. We brought her to the vet and that day we put her down.
When I prayed that morning to relieve her discomfort I was not thinking about her death.
With the passage of time I can see that she was telling us the time had come. There was no guilt no second guessing. It was time.
At the time I could not see that God granted my prayer in the best possible way available
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
to me, step 3 is a decision to be under the care of a power greater than I so I can at once move forward with the next steps. steps 4-7 are life changing and 8 and 9 are freeing and then we live in 10, 11 and 12
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
To me it sounds like you may be overthinking.
Step three is simply about letting go and embracing that you don't - never have, never will - control the universe and being willing to trust that as the sun rises, so will your life move in a positive direction in sobriety.
It's being willing to accept help, being willing to put your trust in something beyond yourself.
It's about letting go of expected outcomes and opening yourself the the outcomes that are - as blessings and lessons.
Step three is simply about letting go and embracing that you don't - never have, never will - control the universe and being willing to trust that as the sun rises, so will your life move in a positive direction in sobriety.
It's being willing to accept help, being willing to put your trust in something beyond yourself.
It's about letting go of expected outcomes and opening yourself the the outcomes that are - as blessings and lessons.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
To me it sounds like you may be overthinking.
Step three is simply about letting go and embracing that you don't - never have, never will - control the universe and being willing to trust that as the sun rises, so will your life move in a positive direction in sobriety.
It's being willing to accept help, being willing to put your trust in something beyond yourself.
It's about letting go of expected outcomes and opening yourself the the outcomes that are - as blessings and lessons.
Step three is simply about letting go and embracing that you don't - never have, never will - control the universe and being willing to trust that as the sun rises, so will your life move in a positive direction in sobriety.
It's being willing to accept help, being willing to put your trust in something beyond yourself.
It's about letting go of expected outcomes and opening yourself the the outcomes that are - as blessings and lessons.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 398
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
to me, step 3 is a decision to be under the care of a power greater than I so I can at once move forward with the next steps. steps 4-7 are life changing and 8 and 9 are freeing and then we live in 10, 11 and 12
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
For me, Step Three is about trust. Yes, willingness is always pointed out but willingness for what? For me, summarizing what the BB says, it means being willing to trust. And, for me, that means to trust God.... to trust God to know more than I do... to know better than I do what is good and right for me... to have my best interests in mind. It means to be willing to trust in His care as a child does their parent. I had searched my whole life for something or someone to trust in. I trusted people, including my Earthly parents and spouses, and things like the sense of security money brings to no avail and experienced a great deal of pain in the process. They all let me down so to speak. And, of course, I trusted myself all the while making some really awful choices. How could trusting God be worse than that? When I looked back over the past, I realized that it couldn't. But, what was still holding me back?
It was, in my case, fear.... fear that, based on some pretty tough life experiences, I would find that there really was no God and I had taken something on faith that was simply a fantasy created by the powerful to keep people in line or that a belief in God was just a sign of my own weakness and needing a crutch to get through life. Or said another way, that my inborn need and drive to trust could actually be a huge flaw. Perhaps, egotistically, I was most definitely NOT willing to accept that at all believing that, though I often lost sight of it, I was ultimately good and my need to trust ran so deep it had to be an inherent part of being human and part of that goodness. So, there I was, full circle back to God and facing whether or not I was willing to find out if He was real and, if so, to trust Him but the prospect of finding out He wasn't real became a terrifying one because it was the end of the line in my thinking by that time... there was nowhere else to turn. If I found out He really didn't exist or that He might but didn't care enough about me to show Himself to me in my extreme need... what would I do then? What if I found out that I was alone in this frequently cruel world with no protection from it other than myself? As I hit my knees, I was actually trembling with fear but gathered every ounce of courage I had and jumped which is something that can't be described in words. Its kind of like willingly releasing one's grip on reality, letting go entirely.... no words... and sounds, in a way, even to me, insane. But it was in jumping that I found the meaning of Grace.
That was my Step Three experience. And I had to do that Step twice. I thought I was willing the first time but wasn't really and had to do it as described a second time but on my knees and not in my head. And, today, when I hit some snag or other... usually because I'm in fear of something... I still have to get on my knees. Somehow, that position helps me to get back to Him and His will for me.
It was, in my case, fear.... fear that, based on some pretty tough life experiences, I would find that there really was no God and I had taken something on faith that was simply a fantasy created by the powerful to keep people in line or that a belief in God was just a sign of my own weakness and needing a crutch to get through life. Or said another way, that my inborn need and drive to trust could actually be a huge flaw. Perhaps, egotistically, I was most definitely NOT willing to accept that at all believing that, though I often lost sight of it, I was ultimately good and my need to trust ran so deep it had to be an inherent part of being human and part of that goodness. So, there I was, full circle back to God and facing whether or not I was willing to find out if He was real and, if so, to trust Him but the prospect of finding out He wasn't real became a terrifying one because it was the end of the line in my thinking by that time... there was nowhere else to turn. If I found out He really didn't exist or that He might but didn't care enough about me to show Himself to me in my extreme need... what would I do then? What if I found out that I was alone in this frequently cruel world with no protection from it other than myself? As I hit my knees, I was actually trembling with fear but gathered every ounce of courage I had and jumped which is something that can't be described in words. Its kind of like willingly releasing one's grip on reality, letting go entirely.... no words... and sounds, in a way, even to me, insane. But it was in jumping that I found the meaning of Grace.
That was my Step Three experience. And I had to do that Step twice. I thought I was willing the first time but wasn't really and had to do it as described a second time but on my knees and not in my head. And, today, when I hit some snag or other... usually because I'm in fear of something... I still have to get on my knees. Somehow, that position helps me to get back to Him and His will for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I think of it as a handing over of my free-will on the alcohol issue (and sometimes in other areas), as i have accepted that alcohol is an area in which I do not trust myself and if left to my will, there's likely to still be trouble and inner-conflict. (This is necessary as I don't believe that my HP would purposefully take away my free will UNLESS I'd handed it over).
So, I can pray for my partner to get sober. The thing is, he still wants to drink, and he HASN'T handed over his free-will, so it won't be taken from him.
I hope that makes sense outside my head as well as in it (even if you don't necessarily agree with it). x
So, I can pray for my partner to get sober. The thing is, he still wants to drink, and he HASN'T handed over his free-will, so it won't be taken from him.
I hope that makes sense outside my head as well as in it (even if you don't necessarily agree with it). x
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