MrsD

I'm not sure if you can see where I originally posted for the first time last week; but I just wanted to update about the struggle with the husband. I don't have big news, I just don't want to lose touch with the helpful support on this website.

By Sunday evening I was ready for him to leave. Why haven't I "made" him leave? Well he pulled me back in with a good one Monday. "Would you throw a sick person out on the street?" he said. "Would you really just give up on a person you love?" he said. Well played, hubby. I caved and gave him another, another chance. Again.

For a few days, he didn't drink in the evening. During the day, I don't know. Its likely. He's home all day, I'm not home from 6:30-4. I can't say that I was hopeful, but i applauded his effort.

Last night, he was an hour later coming home from the gym than he should've been. He had stopped by a bar, it was clear. I figured that would happen because my rule, as of last Monday, was no alcohol in the house. I've never even attempted to make that rule before.

So as I was sitting there thinking how disappointed I was that he had secretly stopped at a bar, he went back out to his car and brought in a 6 pack of high alcohol IPAs. He sat on the couch right beside me, and without saying a word, drank them all within 10-15 minutes. Now we had a rough few days & I made it pretty clear I didn't want alchol in the house anymore. It was either that he didn't take me seriously, or it was a bold & cocky statement that he can do as he pleases.

Instead of saying anything, (like I should have,) I just went to bed. I didn't have time for the fight. I have early mornings, because one of us sure as hell has to go to work. He did his usual all night drunken wander through the house.. Which always keeps me awake. He finally settled down not long before I had to get up at 5am. I staggered into work/classes sickeningly exhausted as usual. He's perfectly rested after sleeping half the day.

So, same ol same old.
And the answer is no, he's not really contributing anything positive to my life.
I don't even know how I'd get him out of this house now if I wanted to. He's not working & really has no where to go. I spoke with his parents over the weekend & they say "Don't send him here."

My husband told me last week: "This is my problem not yours. Let me deal with it."

Alcoholic spouses truly seem to believe (or just want to believe) this doesn't affect us.

Oh, and he's at "the gym" again right now.

Duckygirl1

Well dear one, you established a boundary. He obviously had no respect for it or may have sincerely forgot. Or, and this is my guess, like a rebellious child, he was testing you to see if you would cave. You did. He now feels like he can do what he wants. They all think that they can handle it on their own until they stop being enabled and hit rock bottom.

This is going to sound harsh, but so what if he has no where to go? Would i throw a sick person out? No, not generally. But let's say he has Ebola. Do you kick him out because you're mean or do you kick him out to stop him from infecting the rest of the village? He is infectious and making you ill. It most certainly is your problem too if everything is left to you. Even his parents know that and they don't want the infection in their home.

Protect yourself. Make a plan for your financial and legal safety. After you've made your plan, stick to it. It will be hard because you are not cruel, thoughtless and self centered. But it's only going to get worse if you don't(((Hugs))))

maia1234

D- You need to find your legal rights about kicking him out. If you threaten you need to follow through, or don't say it. Because it means nothing to him.

You were smart not engaging with a drunk person. Who wants to do that. Ignore him and act like hes not there. I am sorry, but when people show you who they are believe them!!

FeelingGreat

Mrs D, we warned you he would get all pathetic and tug at your heart-strings, and sure enough. This is the response of an emotional child. A normal 'sick' person would be grateful and do what they could to contribute and help.

Now he is deliberately challenging your boundary. Can I suggest you seek legal advice?
Don't liaise with his parents because you're buying into his drama then. It's up to him to work out where he'll go. He's only a child in his maturity; he can work things out himself. And you cannot 'send' him to his parents, as he's not a parcel.

Make your plans, and make them stick. The longer he's around, leaching off your energy and good-will, the harder it will be to make him leave. You need to be very, very, strong because he'll do the pathetic helpless child over and over. Why shouldn't he? It's always worked in the past.

honeypig

MrsD, with regards to the question "would you throw a sick person out in the street?"--well, no, not under ordinary circumstances. However, if that "sick person" was doing everything they could to make him/herself even sicker and not trying to get better, you bet your boots I'd throw them out in the street! My A used to pull the "oh, I'm a very sick person, I need help", complete w/tears--it got me every single time, until I started SR/Alanon and learned better.

And "would you really just give up on a person you love?" REALLY?? I don't think YOU are the person who's giving up here...where is HIS part of the effort in the marriage?

Nope, makes no sense that on one hand, it's YOUR responsibility to take care of this "sick person" and not "give up" on him--it's YOUR problem--but when it comes to actually taking action, it's HIS problem and you need to leave him alone, b/c he's got it handled, by gosh!

Stick to your boundary. Check your legal rights. Take care of yourself. He's an adult and perfectly capable of taking care of himself; it's not your job.

And by all means, keep coming back to SR, and check into Alanon if you haven't already.

Butterfly

I agree with Honeypig no you wouldn't throw a sick person out on. The street but he's not doing anything to help himself get better infact he continues to drink and refuses to get help and as for would you really give up on someone you love?? Manipulation he has given up on himself and there comes a point where you have to prioritise your own needs over his.

I always struggled with boundaries for many years he wasn't to drink in the house then I relented as I wanted him home, then he began drinking and driving so that was a new boundary, no driving drunk what did he do his friends drove him drunk and off their heads and his response was well you didn't tell me someone else couldn't drive drunk just that I couldnt arghhhhh!!! They will always push the boundaries especially if like me you have a history of not enforcing them.

I think you did the right thing by not engaging him last night when he was drunk it wouldn't have achieved anything. So he has broken your boundary what do you want to do now? When will you put you and your peace and happiness first?

It's hard to put you first I know but it does get easier with lots of practice. ((((Hugs))))

Refiner

Who is paying his gym membership? His bar bills? For his IPAs? If he's not working does he use his "living expenses" from a trust fund or something?

MrsD

Thank you all. I am listening, even if I'm not *doing.* Yet. As far as his spending money, he seems to conveniently work enough throughout the year to have just enough of that. He has worked a couple of 30 day out-of-town linguist assignments in the past couple of years and he has had a few assignments sent to him to work on at home. Combined, he only makes enough to pay his child support & have leisure spending money. (I sure don't have leisure spending money working & taking classes full time.) His PT sporadic work is not enough that would allow him to live on his own & pay his own bills. Not to mention if he ends up arrested for drunk driving, he will instantly lose his security clearance for both the home and the out of town assignments.

The out of town work becomes "costly" anyway, because he admittly nearly drinks himself to death each time. He says there's "not enough accountability" when he's alone like that. On his last assignment he ended up at a cardiologist and was sent home before the end of the contract.

I know the fact that he can't take care of himself is ultimately not my problem, yet I keep trying. Honestly it probably has something to do with the fact that in my former marriage, I was completely dependent on my husband financially, and some part of me must like having the financial "upper hand" so to speak. That could be one of those subconscious truths that sure sounds ugly when said out loud. I don't know. We always do things for a reason.

Refiner

Thanks for being so honest. If I remember right you are very newly married... You sound like you've got a really good head on your shoulders and have your eyes wide open and know what's going on. I'm sure as more time goes on you'll get tired enough of him not contributing and being disrespectful (the audacity of him bringing home the IPAs I mean REALLY!) and you'll have had enough and move on. Or maybe he'll have had enough of himself with no self-respect and decide to get help and want change. Glad you found SR.

Ursula745

Oh, good grief. What a load of crap. This statement simply means, that "I am not going to hold myself accountable, so I will put that responsibility on you and others". That burns my biscuits!

MrsD

Yes, you remembered correctly, we're pretty newly married.

Just another word about the "ups & downs" of this existence, followed by a little bit of a venting rant at the end: This morning my 16 year old son asked my husband to take him to the park to work on tennis with him, since he has a match coming up & the husband is quite the tennis pro. He gladly took him & worked with him. That kind of thing makes me crazy happy. (Remember I work for crumbs.) They came back at noon, my son came in house, and when the coast was clear, AH ran back out to his car & grabbed beer from his trunk, came in, poured it into his infamous plastic cup, and went to his computer claiming "work assignment."

I noticed that he was on Facebook instead, looking up people he went to high school with, sadly browsing their pics, seeing what a "great life they have now," in comparison to his I guess. He sat there drinking & depressed. He does this often. I think a lot of people do that kind of thing but don't realize:
1) If they have a "great" life now, its probably because they worked extremely hard all their lives to get there. There was probably a lot of self-discipline & sacrifice involved. And 2) I, too, have a great profile pic on there, standing next to a handsome husband with a perfect smile, my 2 sons & 2 step sons by my side, beautiful young men all dressed up & smiling in their collared shirts & ties. No one on the outside would ever look at that picture & realize that the handsome man pictured next to me is an alcoholic, that he pees the bed at night and wanders the house out of it and half dressed; that he doesn't contribute financially, that we live below the poverty level and have no health insurance, that I'm all alone dealing with the difficult behavior & social issues of a mildly autistic child.

Probably someone I went to school with is sitting at their computer, enviously looking at that picture of "perfection" too.

Ok, rant over.

Refiner

Rant on Sister, rant on. Pretty incredible, isn't it...

LexieCat

Honestly, you're making it very comfy for him there. He doesn't have to do a thing. And all the unpleasantness involved in having him under your roof is simply excused for the sake of having a male figure (one who still looks pretty good when he isn't peeing in inappropriate places or sadly browsing Facebook while drowning his sorrows).

I think you need to decide what your priorities REALLY are. Because nothing looks like it's about to change around there. He will manipulate and bargain with you until the cows come home--as long as you let him.

He is living in YOUR home--one that you shared with your kids before he came along. I'd say you're well within your rights to tell him that he's not welcome there. If he refuses to leave, you can consult a lawyer about your options.

If he "has nowhere to go" then he can couch-surf, go to a homeless shelter, or *gasp* get a job that will pay him enough to put a roof over his head. He doesn't have to do that because YOU are willing to carry him.

Lest you think I am judging you, I did the same thing with my second husband up until I left him. I carried him financially. The last straw was when he signed a new lease on the house we were renting after I had explicitly told him not to, because we could no longer afford it on just my salary. I told him it was his problem, left him money for ONE month's rent, and told him he was on his own after that. I moved out and got myself a small, affordable apartment. Eventually he got out of the lease and did the same--living off his disability payments from his near-death experience due to drinking.

Obviously, it's your decision. But you were ready to tell him to leave until he started manipulating. You can still stick with your original decision. There's nothing unfair about it. He can get help if he chooses to. But your life right now sounds pretty miserable.

MrsD

I know darn well you're right. I think the time is coming, I guess unfortunately something inexcusable is going to have to happen to get me to commit to a decision & not keep second guessing & giving him more chances. That's certainly not the ideal way to be, but it's realistic, until I'm a lot stronger of a person.

gettingstronger

Does it seem like he feels the universe *owes* him a great life? My own AH acts that way, a lot.

Refiner

And you do recognize the manipulation and the offering of a "crumb" here and there only to "reward" himself with more beer and announce in a way that he "deserves" it bc... Look at me! I'm off to WORK! Only to see h effing off on FB. I honestly can't see why you don't call him out on those things so it should be no surprise when you tell him to get out. He knows he's faking it and must thing you're too dumb to catch on. You're obviously NOT too dumb, that's for sure!

Refiner

You need to call him out and quit tip toe-Ing around the gigantic PINK elephant in the room and that will bring you the "next step" you so desperately need.

MrsD

Yessss.. gettingstronger... Yes. (I dont know how to use the quote feature on this phone.)

Entitlement... The world owes him... He deserves.. He shouldn't have to... Blah blah blah.

That's why he won't get just any job, they're all "beneath" him with his 2 bachelor's degrees.

I've wondered if this has more to do with alcoholism, or just personality. He grew up very rich and his parents have always bailed him out of problems, they still do. They just can't bail him out of this one.

I have a bachelor's degree too and I grew up rich too, my dad was the president of a bank. When it comes to providing for my kids though, I have absolutely no problem working jobs that I don't necessarily "deserve" to have to work at. Its hard to relate to the attitude.

MrsD

I don't call him out on it anymore because of past experiences,we never get anywhere. He doesn't listen and he is not open to discussion about his own faults.

Worst and most cowardly thing I could possibly do, yes. I'm still a work in progress, myself.

Refiner

Ok, ok I guess it's out in the open and he knows and you know and if that's the case, I agree there's no reason to go there just for the sake of argue. So, you put a twist on it... He's a spoiled brat with a sense of entitlement. That means nothing changes if nothing changes. Until he feels any consequences, he will enjoy the status quo. But you know that. Even "Cousin Eddie" was holding out for that "management position".