ArtFriend

Thank you all for "talking me off the cliff" last night. I made it thru without a drop.

As you already know, my family history is pretty horrible. As part of my recovery I am learning to "unhook" myself from the tethers of that past and try to forge ahead to a healthier and happier life. Of course that includes not drinking, but also distancing myself from toxic family members.

I have been considering legally changing my last name in a symbolic attempt to "divorce" my family. I was married eons ago and after I divorced I went back to my maiden name (family name). I want to change it to something of my own choosing rather than something handed to me by my alcoholic father.

What are your thoughts?

ScottFromWI

What other steps would you take to help distance yourself from the toxicity of your past relationships? That is what will really make a difference. And many of those things could be done prior to legally changing your name.

My personal thoughts ( since you asked ) is that symbolic gestures in themselves only generate symbolic results. In a way it's similar to the "sobriety date tattoo" that some folks get or think about getting. The tattoo isn't going to get you sober - it's all the work that you do in the background that does.

ArtFriend

I know Scott. Like i said, it is symbolic and a mental shift. I know I have to do many many other "real" things to maintain my sobriety. This would be "in addition to".

JT0626

Art Friend,

I'm from the school of thought that whatever helps you heal, do it....as long as it is healthy. Changing your name could mean many things to you...a new life, a fresh start. You could even tie it into your sobriety...new name...new life....new me (sans the alcohol).

I do agree with Scott that a symbolic change is just that, you still have to put in the work to get the results you want out of life. But, if you think it will help you- I am all for it!

Hugs, Monica

Weasel1966

All for it!!!!!

Our realities are only what we make of them. If your name holds you back emotionally from becoming yourself more fully then, by all means, do it.

ScottFromWI

Perhaps you could make a "master plan" of how you would move forward. List some of the "real" things that you will do and how/when you would do them. You could add the name change in as a future goal or milestone to look forward to. That way it would be even more symbolic as you'd have accomplished a lot when you get there, and the process does take time to file all the paperwork and have all of your documentation changed.

Jen73

if u think it will help u, maybe u should. I think you will find away to forgive your family someday and it will work out the best.

Aellyce

I agree with those that said do it if it helps you get in peace with yourself and your life. I would perhaps just make sure this "divorce" by changing name is something you have thought about carefully and consistently, stably desire rather than from some moments of resentments.

I also have family members I stay away from because they tend to be negative influences, and I also experience benefits from symbolic acts sometimes, so I understand.

AliWProk

I think that sounds great! And if it makes it more difficult for those toxic people to find you, so much the better!

least

My daughter wants to change her first name. (besides changing to her married surname) I said "go for it, but I'll always call you the name I gave you at birth".

Anna

AF, I really, really get that.

I changed my name when I got married in my early twenties and was more than happy to do so. In my forties, I moved to a place where, believe it or not, I was forced to use my maiden name for health care and things went downhill from there. I was actually physically sick at having that name dredged up. I totally understand and I think you should anything that helps.

ArtFriend

Wow Anna... sorry you had to go through that. I am glad that you and others here understand where I am coming from. That helps me feel stronger in my resolve. A friend of mine said that I would also be distancing myself from my mom (who I adored) as well. But that was her married name and she probably would have gone back to her maiden name when my dad died had it not been for us 4 kids still being in school.

Gonnachange

My position is, if you think it's going to help you then go for it. You've already written that you know it's not the total answer, but worst case it's not going to hinder you either.

@Least: Not the same as your story, but maybe a cousin. There's a family I know in town where the parents could not agree on the name of their first child. His legal name is what his mother wanted, but his father has and continues to call him by the name he wanted. BTW, the kid is now 21.

AliWProk

A friend of mine's parents couldn't agree on her name, either. They wound up hyphenating the two names they came up with. They are now, of course, divorced.

neferkamichael

ArtFriend, FANTASTIC, I think it's a bold move in the right direction that would boost your self-esteem and self-respect, rootin for ya.

Gonnachange

The divorce in the situation you described doesn't really surprise me although I think they came to a better solution than the one the couple I wrote about did. I mean the kid is now 21 and is used to it, but I would think a youngster of 5 or 6 would just be terribly confused by having his parents calling him different names. FYI, they are still married.

fini

AF,
i changed my last name almost twenty years ago. i really didn't want to carry my ex-husband's name around nor want to go back to my Dad's.
it was and continues to be one of the best things i've done for myself.
will say, though, that i did talk with my kids who were teenagers at the time, as it meant i'd not share names with them any more. they were just fine with that.
will say, too, that when the legally- embossed document arrived in the mail, i had a huge "holy !!!" moment.
it's not been a solely symbolic change. it is something real. with real implications in how i felt/feel about myself.

take your time in choosing your new name.

FeelingGreat

Hi Art, if you feel that's what you want to do...however your surname didn't just belong to your father. It represents many generations going back, not just him.
If you were to change it, would you take your mother's maiden name?

sugarbear1

gotta be a bit blunt here, it's about changing our insides first, then the outsides.....kinda like a geographical "cure" "Wherever I go, there I am."

Can you look at issues inside of you with the help of a therapist, counselor or something else? Then you can spend time changing other things if they are still bothering you

ArtFriend

Please read the above about this being a symbolic gesture