Katchie

Its Friday and he was able to make his call. I made it clear that we are separating. He wanted to know what that means exactly and I was clear that its the same as a divorce but without the final decree, but even w/o the final decree I was not making any promises. I told him I have a lot to work through and that with these months on my own I have been able to really look back and remember a lot of things I hadn't had time to think about in the middle of the chaos living with him. I told him I could forgive him but that I didn't know if I could ever forget and be intimate with him again. He asked if that meant he wouldn't be able to ask me on a date like we had talked about. Gosh, his memory sucks. We had talked about this before too, that after a YEAR of worked sobriety we could start doing that but not before then because I didn't trust him. However, with time apart, I've changed and I don't know that it will ever work. I've made that as clear as I possibly could. He said he is pretty devastated about the separation, but we had talked about the first week he left in January. His memory is pickled. Well, I'm devastated too. I have the memories of rape, he doesn't. I don't know if he even remembers it. One part of me hopes he doesn't remember because what kind of person does that? I just don't know if I can get over that and be a wife to him.
Anyway, I didn't have much to say to him but when I did it was as straight forward as I could possibly be. He isn't coming back Saturday after all. He is waiting to come back Monday when the boys are at school; he thinks it will be easier on them to not see them just yet. I agree. He asked if he can still talk to the boys and I told him that will be up to the boys and he will have to ask them. I don't want to be a part of any of it. I will support my sons but I won't be in the middle.
Very few tears...a little grit in the jaw, but I'm ok.

Mango blast

(((((Katchie)))))

One day at a time, healing happens. Let go and let God, as you have been.

May life be full of unexpected blessings for you. You deserve much kindness and happiness.

hopeful4

Katchie, keep sticking to your guns. He is dealing with consequences that he has not had to before, and going to fight it like crazy. That's his to deal with, not yours.

Tight, tight hugs.

amberly

Hang in there Katchie. Sending warmest thoughts and hopes your way.

Refiner

This is YOUR time Katchie, not his. Stay strong and don't let him manipulate you into doing ANYTHING you don't want to do. As we know, time will tell. And after a year of him working a program and being sober and you don't want to "go on a date", then so be it. You have that right. Stay strong, Katchie!

firebolt

You are amazing, Katchie! I can't wait to see what the next year holds for you!

Katchie

Im really irritated that some of the things I have to fill out on the separation papers will have to wait until he returns. My accountant won't release 2012 and '13 tax information because the HAVEN'T been filed yet! Whaaaat? My husband has so lied to me. She said if they had been filed then it would be my information too, but to give me his info before then would have to be with his permission. I don't get it, it doesn't make sense. I feel like a nonperson in this. *sigh*

hopeful4

Oh wow, that is a bunch of BS Katchie. She can black out his social or whatever, but you are right, that is your info too.

Refiner

Oh GOOD LORD!!! I pray to God there's not more damage that he hasn't revealed to you. Like DEBT you don't know about. Geesh!! Good thing you're getting legally separated FINANCIALLY.

Katchie

She wasn't going to budge about it. When I talked to my AH earlier he said he had a message from her that she was trying to get a hold of him. I told him what it was about. He says he will do whatever I want and help fill them out when he returns. It just really grates me wrong. I told my CPA that he is in rehab and cant be gotten a hold of until Monday, and thats if he even feels up to taking calls like that.

FireSprite

Tread carefully here Katchie...... unfiled tax returns is a gigantic red flag to me. The extension periods for those returns are long passed & if you owe money you could be up to your eyeballs in penalties before you know it.

At this point, I would seriously consider consulting with a new CPA to make sure that YOU are being properly represented & ask them to run the numbers with you filing jointly & separately to see how it all shakes out. (I used to do this for clients ALL the time, it's not unusual.) It may not work in HIS best interests, but it could protect YOU in the long run from overdue tax, penalties & interest.

I definitely would not sign ANYTHING for 2012 & 2013 without getting more info first.

FireSprite

I think, technically, it doesn't "belong" to Katchie until after they sign/file a joint return. Then she IS entitled to that info as it involves her once it is reported to the IRS.

Up until that point either party has the right to file separately & they have no obligation to inform their partner about their income/expenses.



FWIW Katchie, I've been in those situations between a rock & a hard place with married clients & your CPA is likely erring on the side of caution here to make sure she doesn't step into a mess between the 2 of you. No matter what her personal opinion is or how well she knows you, it's smart of her to hold the info until she talks to him.

freetosmile

OH katchie!!

I have missed so much of what has been going on with you lately... so sorry friend.

But I do know that you are a VERY smart woman and if this is what you feel is best, then I support that 100%.

You are doing the right thing and it sounds like him being gone has really brought you some clarity. Rehab brought me a lot of clarity as well. The memories are raw as if it happened yesterday and yet they have no recollection of it.....it sucks for sure.

I'm sorry for all this, but I feel confident that you are doing the very best for you and your kiddos.

Sooooo many hugs to you right now katchie.

Florence

Katchie, so many hugs.

You're right to draw some new boundaries to protect yourself. It's an impossible thing to ask a woman to be loving and open and intimate with a man that raped her. How this one feels about your new boundaries isn't your problem. His issues with boundaries are part of what leads to rape in the first place. If he doesn't respect your needs in this new phase of your relationship, you have all the answers you need.

walkinganewpath

((hugs)) to you Katchie. Hoping this is another step for you on the recovery road towards happiness and peace.

Butterfly

((((((Hugs)))))) katchie

Hawkeye13

(((((((Katchie)))))))