lucybb

I got together this week for lunch with a coworker who has become a good friend. I told her my tale of woe, and as my AH works in the same office she had some good insights. And she let something slip. She said she knew about his smoking (!?#*) but not about the drinking.

When I first starting dating my AH, I knew he had smoked as a teen but had quit years before. Soon after we started dating, I caught him smoking. I told him then that if he started smoking again, we were through. So he stopped. Over the last few years, I have found lighters in his pockets when doing laundry so I was suspicious. Of course, he said he didn't know how they got there. I sniffed his clothes and they never smelled like smoke so I set aside my suspicions.

So now I know he has been smoking. If this isn't my last straw, what is? I need to confirm with someone else here, as she asked me not to tell him she told me. But I am done. Drinking in secret, hiding bottles, lying, now smoking behind my back and lying about that. He is living a double life, being all nice lately with me but it is all a facade. What else is he deceiving me about?

How do I go about ending this? Should I see a lawyer first or can I turf him out right away? I am not leaving my house - I have paid for the majority of it with my own personal funds.

I don't want this to be a big drama (as much as I'd like to curse and yell), but I can present this in the vein of kindness - he won't have to keep hiding everything anymore - he can smoke, drink, whatever, openly and as much as he wants. Just not while living with me or in front of our son.

Any advise for how to do this? It's scary - I have always been afraid of confrontation and afraid of change and this will be the most significant confrontation and change yet.

SparkleKitty

If you are ready to dissolve the marriage, I recommend talking to a lawyer before you do anything so you understand your rights and obligations regarding your house, your son, etc. Having all of your ducks in a row can give you a measure of confidence when you eventually speak to your husband that might make the difference between a big drama and a small one. Sending you strength and hugs.

ladyscribbler

Talk to a lawyer first, as Sparklekitty recommended, then keep it simple. Trying to end things with an alcoholic can very easily turn into a massive, energy sucking arguement where you fight about everything and resolve nothing.
Be prepared for a bunch of manipulation from him and for him to try and steer the conversation off into random tangents about all of YOUR imaginary flaws or how he's planning to change.
Make a boundary- I will not live with x, and then stick to it. Write things down to organize your thoughts and don't get drawn into trying to justify yourself. If he was capable of seeing this from your perspective, you wouldn't be in this situation.
If you are calm, organized and sure of yourself, it will be much easier for you to keep the conversation on track and stick to your boundaries.

LexieCat

Just a question here--how does his smoking affect YOU? I realize you are probably concerned about his health, but if you can't smell it on his clothes, he doesn't do it in your home, what exactly is your issue with it?

Drinking affects the way people behave in relationships. Smoking doesn't. I can understand if he reeks of smoke (which is a turnoff) or if he were smoking in your home, smelling up the place. It seems pretty controlling to make rules about what he does that doesn't affect you. Would you split up with him because he eats junk food at the office, if you disapproved of that?

Actually, it sounds to me as if you are looking for an excuse to split up with him--a "deal-breaker." You don't NEED a justification to end an unhappy marriage.

lucybb

You're right about this being a deal breaker. It is the deceitfulness that is the issue. He knows I will not stay with a smoker so he does it behind my back. I am not trying to control him, he can smoke all he likes but I will not be in a relationship with him if he does. If I let this go when I told him years ago it was a hard line, then I have no line. It is simply a last straw and shows me how incredibly false he is.

Refiner

In knowing your past from what you've shared, I would think it's time to lawyer up and make some progress to a healthier you. God knows what else he may be up to. If you can't have trust in a relationship, what can you have?

honeypig

Smoking itself may not affect the way people behave in relationships, UNLESS they lie about it and hide it! Then it most certainly DOES affect the relationship. I would suspect that it's the lying/hiding that is the problem, altho I certainly can't speak for the OP.

This same thing has been ongoing throughout my time w/my A also. We both smoked when we met. Then HE decided we should quit, as some friends of his were quitting. I actually quit--he lied about it and hid it for 20 years! I'd believe him when he said he quit, then a month or a year or 3 years later, I'd find a pack of smokes or a butt he forgot to dispose of. I'd tell him it was up to him whether he smoked or not, but would he please not lie about it and just smoke openly if that was his choice? He'd agree, maybe even actually smoke openly for a little while, then I'd again be told "oh, I quit, I know it's really bad for me, blah blah" and like a fool, I'd believe him. Until it happened again.

I engineered all kinds of ways for him to quit smoking. We have been down the route of pills/patches/quit line/etc many times, all b/c he claimed he really WANTED to quit this time. It wasn't until I got "Alanoned up" and decided that it wasn't on my side of the street that I finally let it alone.

Sounds pretty similar to another addiction that we discuss here, right? Same dance between the addict and the spouse as is posted here on a regular basis...Besides, don't we say quite often here that any individual gets to decide what behavior is acceptable or not acceptable to him/her? If she is unwilling to live w/a smoker, that is her choice to make, along w/whatever consequences that choice brings.

So I do understand where you're coming from, lucybb! No advice, just want to say that I get it, I really do.

ETA: The OP posted while I was typing this, sorry if it seems out of place chronologically.

hopeful4

If this really is your final straw, see the attorney first, and don't let him know you did so. Also go see any attorney you don't want him to have as it will become a conflict of interest if they have already spoken to you. I blocked three other attorneys that are knows as real bulldogs that I knew I did not want my X to hire.

Tight hugs.

Sungrl

I agree with Lexi, but you are entitled to what you want and what you don't.

If you made it clear that cigarette smoking was a no-no, and he is doing it behind your back then get the lawyer on the phone.

I know the lying sucks, it's not even the reason behind the lie. It breaks trust and that is huge. I get it.

LexieCat

See, I see this a bit differently. The lying and doing it behind your back might be due to your intrusion into what is really not your concern. Maybe he shouldn't lie--ever--but we all need zones of privacy where we can be autonomous and not be needing to report our actions.

For example, suppose someone extracts a promise from a partner that s/he will NEVER buy a lottery ticket. Assume there is no compulsive gambling draining the family funds--it's just that the partner extracting the promise disapproves of it and believes it is a waste of money. But the other partner enjoys the idea of maybe hitting a jackpot, so spends two bucks a day on the lottery. WITHOUT telling the partner because it becomes a major fight. Is that worth sacrificing the marriage?

I get the principle--partners should be truthful with each other. But I guess I'll step away from this thread because I seem to be in the minority position.

dandylion

lucybb....of course, it goes without saying that you get to draw the line whenever your want for whatever you want.....
I just have to say that I am sort of startled by how unusual this seems to me (more like fascinated)....lol.
You have lived through several years with the abuse and agony that his drinking h as caused--but the reason to bring an abrupt hault is not for THAT--it is because you found out he has been smoking at the office.............

"Filter the elephant and retain the gnat...? LOL! (one of my grandmothers favorite sayings....

dandylion

Sungrl

I agree with you Lexi! Dandy too! I suck at putting my thoughts in print.

honeypig

What a funny saying--I like it! But yes, I'm thinking the smoking is the straw that broke the camel's back.

Everyone has a breaking point, and there is no telling how large or small that last thing that tips the scales may be. There is nothing that says that only a cataclysmic event will get a person to open his/her eyes--in my experience, the small things have hit me harder than the big ones sometimes.