livinginhope

I am 81 days sober today. I've posted here with very positive feelings about my recovery, and they were honest. Yet I have had some serious ups and downs.

It's been a brutal week, and I think stress kicks in the symptoms.

I feel like I have a hangover most of the time. I am very emotional. I am not handling stress well at all. I have mood swings and I feel a lot of despair. Many days I can't stop crying for periods of time.

I've had a physical, by the way.

I quit drinking in 2008. I was 47 at the time. I had three hard weeks of brutal withdrawals. I thought that was bad. I started back up when I discovered that my ex was unfaithful, and I went from a family man to completely alone overnight.

Now I am almost at three months, and this time has been much, much worse.

I also quit for three months in Spring/Summer of last year. When I was laid off of my job of 23 years, I fell off the wagon.

Each time it gets incrementally worse. The withdrawals, the phantom hangovers, the wild mood swings, the depression. The agony. Erratic sleep cycles.

I've done a considerable amount of reading up on PAWS and Kindling, and I firmly believe that these conditions exist. The literature also describes my experiences to a tee.

I really thought that I would be doing better by now. Part of me just wants to throw in the towel, but then all the problems I experienced while drinking would return, and the endgame of that would be a drunken early death.

I can't stop now. I am not complaining (well, not JUST complaining). I want to tell those who are on their first recovery that as bad as it is, chances are it will be much worse should you relapse and try again at a later time.

It's gotta get better fairly soon. Right? I am so weary and exhausted from suffering.

Calitano

Thanks for that - it's a lesson I'm trying to drum into myself at the moment…

Will be thinking of you, feels like you got it though

Best - C

Jen73

Hello hope, awesome job on the 81 days... you can do it and yes sometimes you will have more bad days than others. We are just use to picking up the bottles every time we have a bad day or something bad really happens. We have to be stronger and not give in cause you had a really bad day. That is what your demon/AV wants you to do, Fail!! Don't let it win, You win by being strong over it.

You can Do It!!

Thepatman

I cycled a lot between sobriety and active Alcoholism, my last detox was really bad.

I know the only way to avoid going trough this ever again is to never take even one drop of Alcohol. You can as well, by reaching out for support when you feel weak.

livinginhope

Thanks. I know that this is it. Now or never. I have to make this stick.

I'm trying. God knows I am.

Tomorrow's going to be a good day, right?

hope22

Livinginhope 81 days is a great accomplishment! Keep going, I too believe PAWS is real. I kept a journal when I quit and sure enough the hardest times I had seemed to fall into cycles. Around 30, 60 90... day marks were tough for some reason. But you have to keep pushing through. You can do this.

least

My last relapse, over five years ago, was the worst w/d I've ever had. I still remember it. I never want to go thru that again.

sva777

Did any of you experience the dt's when going through withdrawl. My last withdrawl was brutal so hopefully never again will I have to deal with that. People said you will feel better in 10 days... yeah right more like 50 before I really noticed a difference.

alphaomega

I didn't have hallucinations but my anxiety was unbearable. My blood pressure was through the roof, my heart would pound and skip beats, my hands shook, I felt faint, often.

Forget about even trying to go to a grocery store or Costco or a restaurant, between the noise and the fluorescent lights, I wanted to pry my eyes out with a spoon then turn the spoon on my ears. I would sleep under weighted blankets just so I would stop trembling.

I'm 80 days sober. And I am never ever EVER doing this again. This has been my fourth serious attempt at sobriety amd every damn time, it gets harder and harder and harder.

This last withdrawal tried to kill me.

sva777

That sounds exactly how my withdrawl was. The costco thing is exactly what I went through, I was terrified of crowded places and over stimulation.

I am at 70 days and just beginning to be able to go and do that stuff and not have a panic attack.

OnMyWay7

Can you give me the reference to read. Sometimes I think I'm crazy and sometimes I think it might be PAWS.

FeelingGreat

Hi LIH, I've suffered from depression my whole adult life, on and off, drinking and not, and some of what you've described sounds familiar. In normal circumstances it would be natural with the life changes you're experiencing. I'm definitely not diagnosing, but asking if you've been medically evaluated?

Sometimes I've made the mistake of thinking because I've done research on a topic, I'm an expert. My suggestion is you see a professional about help with your moods.

I don't have much sympathy for people who heroically refuse medication which can help them through a tough time. Stoic endurance can become pig-headed stubbornness after a while. I know that anti-depressants have helped me life a far more useful and constructive life without altering my personality.

Hawks

Some people quit, find out booze was really weighing them down and after a few weeks, they are up n running..... Never been happier.

Some people quit, find out booze was really all that was holding them up and without it....
They crash.

Unfortunately, on SR, the people who float up mix with the crashers and everyone ends up confused.

Drinking is precisely the problem for case A.

Living sober is the problem for case B.

Sounds like the same thing, but it's not.

livinginhope

I'm not looking for sympathy, but I want to do this as naturally as possible. No sleeping pills, and no meds if necessary. I have discussed this with my therapist and she agrees.

Stress is the killer. Something happened last Sunday that brought on an enormous amount of anxiety. I think it kicked in the symptoms. I'm feeling quite a bit better this morning. A battle won, and the war continues.

Living sober is a hell of a challenge for anyone who has never really known much of anything but intoxication. Especially for those of us who are over 50 and have steadily drank since being a teenager.

Onward.

FeelingGreat

LH, check out the current thread 'Lexapro - where have you been all my life ?' from someone who had similar views to yours.

Depression is a chemical imbalance, and may not be helped by natural means. Medication, if it works for you, can clear up the underlying depression to allow you to work on the positive stuff. Once again, I'm not specifically recommending for you; just saying it's worth discussing with a doctor.

livinginhope

My therapist says that my depression is situational and not chemical, and does not recommend medication of any kind. Instead she advocates breathing exercises, improved diet, physical exercise, and continued sobriety.

We all have our own paths, and I am on mine. I fully intend to come out the other side of this happy and healthy.

Soberwolf

Good luck livinginhope rootin for you

Thepatman

I like this hawks.