Birthday MONTH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
Birthday MONTH
My XAH has a daughter with another woman. They were never married.
She and I have been in contact since XAH's drinking got so bad that he couldn't have visits with the kids, so we started arranging visits with the kids ourselves. We quickly got past the stage of not trusting each other, etc. We talked a lot and found that XAH did a lot of lying and manipulating to keep us apart.
In speaking with her recently, I am becoming concerned about HER drinking. She announced at the beginning of the month that this is her "birthday month" and she had a lot of plans to celebrate (we're in our mid-40s). This was a big red flag. I took her daughter overnight last weekend so she could celebrate her actual birthday with friends from out of town. Then, Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day and apparently she went out again...
She called last night to tell me how she assaulted her long-distance boyfriend, someone who has cared for her and her daughter for a decade, and has been a friend of hers since childhood. She broke his nose. She doesn't remember it. She's been going around to friends to find out what she did Tuesday. It's scary.
I am a non-drinker, but not A. I stopped drinking in order to quit smoking 12 years ago, so I could get pregnant without worry. I might have a drink twice a year since. It has only been recently, at the end of my marriage and since my XAH has gone precipitously downhill, that I even recognize a potential drinking problem. And I see screaming red flags with her.
I ended our conversation last night rather abruptly because I could feel myself starting to judge her, starting to develop a line of questioning that was surely none of my business. I would like to call her back tonight and maybe let her know I'm worried. What do you all think? I don't know this woman well, but I know she drinks every day after work (at least this month) and had a blackout night Tuesday.
She and I have been in contact since XAH's drinking got so bad that he couldn't have visits with the kids, so we started arranging visits with the kids ourselves. We quickly got past the stage of not trusting each other, etc. We talked a lot and found that XAH did a lot of lying and manipulating to keep us apart.
In speaking with her recently, I am becoming concerned about HER drinking. She announced at the beginning of the month that this is her "birthday month" and she had a lot of plans to celebrate (we're in our mid-40s). This was a big red flag. I took her daughter overnight last weekend so she could celebrate her actual birthday with friends from out of town. Then, Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day and apparently she went out again...
She called last night to tell me how she assaulted her long-distance boyfriend, someone who has cared for her and her daughter for a decade, and has been a friend of hers since childhood. She broke his nose. She doesn't remember it. She's been going around to friends to find out what she did Tuesday. It's scary.
I am a non-drinker, but not A. I stopped drinking in order to quit smoking 12 years ago, so I could get pregnant without worry. I might have a drink twice a year since. It has only been recently, at the end of my marriage and since my XAH has gone precipitously downhill, that I even recognize a potential drinking problem. And I see screaming red flags with her.
I ended our conversation last night rather abruptly because I could feel myself starting to judge her, starting to develop a line of questioning that was surely none of my business. I would like to call her back tonight and maybe let her know I'm worried. What do you all think? I don't know this woman well, but I know she drinks every day after work (at least this month) and had a blackout night Tuesday.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
That situation has bad news written all over it. I would reach out and share my concerns with her but I would do it face to face so you can be sure she is sober. And definitely make sure the child is ok even if it means anonymously getting child services involved.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Maybe if she brings it up again, ask very lightly
Do you think you might have problem?
and if she says yes or says not sure
mention casually that there are some recovery forum on the net then leave it at that.
If she says no, then just drop it.
If she blacked out, got violent and has an XABF she is already probably quite concerned about what happened and might already be looking into getting some help.
Do you think you might have problem?
and if she says yes or says not sure
mention casually that there are some recovery forum on the net then leave it at that.
If she says no, then just drop it.
If she blacked out, got violent and has an XABF she is already probably quite concerned about what happened and might already be looking into getting some help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Or she might have focused so much on her Ex's problem, so that she can be in denial about her potential problem use?
Either way, tread carefully. Ultimately, it's not your situation to get involved it. Good for you for recognizing the codependent behaviour as it popped up in the phone call.
You can't save her. Offer resources, and leave it at that. Make sure the kid is safe.
Either way, tread carefully. Ultimately, it's not your situation to get involved it. Good for you for recognizing the codependent behaviour as it popped up in the phone call.
You can't save her. Offer resources, and leave it at that. Make sure the kid is safe.
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